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The Journal of Aaron Howard

The thing that cannot die...
11/02/2020 06:59 p.m.
After 20 years being on this site, I'm so shocked that it's still actually a thing.

The community came together and hobbled the site along, even with all it's quirks and problems.

I'm really taken back as I look back on the past failures of the internet and how everything became so passing that we barely noticed which service we used, we just headed towards the next big thing, without really looking back on the cost or the problems inherent in that next big thing.

I doubt Pathetic ever sold our personal information, and even if they did I doubt it'd be much of an issue for something that was made for 20 years ago.

I don't know how much longer this good place will last, but I admire it's stamina.
It didn't bend over backwards to sell itself as something it wasn't.

One of the good guys...
Pathetic.org
I am currently Melancholy

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Long time gone by...100k Reads
04/06/2008 07:38 p.m.
Wow, first journal post in almost 3 years. What's happened since? Hmmmm... lots? I moved to another house in Virginia beach, over behind a frizbee golf course. It's a really nice place.. quiet.. and I get to watch the sun rise from my back porch. Very peaceful. My grandma's had alot more health problems these last years.. recently had to take her to the ER twice in a month... I constantly live in fear of something happening. It's quite maddening to constantly try to see the best, but know the worst is coming. Still been working at a huge bar/concert venue, but all that came to an end in February. I guess all good things must come to an end sooner or later. 3 Years... wow.Yeah, I know boys and girls....
it's been quite a while.

Honestly tho, I really haven't created any poetry or fiction for quite a while.
Some little spastic creative moments, but they have been over clouded by everything
else in my life.
I'd love to be able to spend days creating stories and poems...
but honestly, I can't see the value in it, when I'm always in need of the legal tender.

I lost the job I'd had for almost 6 years. So all my time's been spent trying to find a new job, or at least something to help bring in food money at this point.

It's so funny, you expect things to go one way. You can't be angry when they don't.
Just another lesson in life.
Regardless, I'm lurking around still.. so no worries about if I'm still alive.

Once I get back to organizing my writing, I'll post up a bunch of it.
It' just all over the place a the moment, alot like my mind,
and I'll post them up.

Thanks again everyone,
for the reads and kind words.

-Aaron
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Jam on it - Newcleus

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Catching back Up...
08/17/2005 06:01 a.m.
Well.. I lost all the data on my HD a week or so ago..
Had a ton of computer issues.. mainly with trying to recover data... insane pain in the ass.. let me tell you..
I've had to install xp like 4 times.. and that my friends.. is a nightmare.. lemme tell you.
Im a one man geek squad.

But I lost alot of my writing.. mainly stories and stuff..
I hate data.. it always seems to go corrupt when you toss it in a corner alone by itself.. :: sigh ::
besdies.. I guess it's only fitting.. since really.. when it comes down to it.. I dont have time for it anymore..

Yeah.. back to two Jobs.. had to.. was stuck in a deep hole..
hell.. I still am in that hole.. but I'm making babysteps out.
I swear.. sometimes I wish I could be so ignorant.. and just be like the shit of america and suck off Uncle Sams millions..
but I have too much pride for that shit.
I'm proabbly just gonna die from an infection from my impacted wisdom teeth... and I'll just be another statistic in america.
another reason to teach your kids to purchase health/dental insurance as soon as they can mow yards.

I love how america now blames the war on us...
Not only do we send our kids into warzones..
But now.. we pay triple at the pump.
It's bullshit.
We don't need to be there..putting our husbands and wives in harms way.. for something that's been going on for a couple thousand years.. and will continue, weither we're there or not...
I mean, we've already just reinstalled the CIA as a puppetmaster over there.. We've set up all the pins.. taken out who we needed to.. and for what? to be hated. You look around at these 3rd world countries.. and see how shitty life could be for you. But what do you do? Think you can help.. You can't help. You can only help yourself.
So What do we do?
We do what every one else does..
Hate America for what it is.
The Anti-Christ Neuvo Rome war machine.
I wonder how much gas we use just on One Hummer over there.
then there's all the aircraft..and tanks..and ships..and generators...No wonder gas is 3.50 a gallon...
Either they fix this.. or they are gonna end up with a full on recession.
I'm already seeing it in the service industry. Everyone's dead. Shops, Pizza, Bars... and man.. Just you wait till it's 5 dollars a gallon. You're gonna see people flipping the fuck out at a gas pump and pulling a gun.

And see.. what most of you dont understand..
the higher gas goes.. the more everything is going to cost..
Airlines are already jacking up rates..Like you wanna fly.
Shipping has already raised prices..Maybe we can just drive america into the ocean and watch it sink with a mound of bubbles and a gurgling little girl in the trunk..called freedom.

We're so screwed. We've got a jerkoff for a president.. who's on fucking vacation while we're at war.
War.
yeah.. War.
We're in it.
Again.
You know.. they say that War helps the economy.
Yeah. It's just helping big oil fill it's pockets with our blood and sweat money... we dont get shit from shithole deserts. Just wait.. Alaska's gonna be what starts WW III.
Once the drilling wait expires there..we're all gonna be playing grabass with nukes over alaska..
with china making the deadbaby human bridge around the world.

I look so foreward to waking up tomorrow.. and working a double.. from 10am to 2am.
and then goto bed.. only to have to go do it all over again.
I can't wait for the weekend now... Just so I can sleep.
Speaking of which.
I'll wander back around soon.
-a
I am listening to TimeLess - Ron Van Den Beuken

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It's been a year...
07/04/2005 06:48 p.m.
I've made it a year now from the death of my grandfather..
and everything's been surreal.

Had a dream I was down at the ocean swimming. I could feel the bottom of the ocean.. and it felt greasy. I jumped off the deck and could feel the salty water sticking to me like sand on wet skin. I backstroked.. but lil kids kept getting in my way. It was bizarre to say the least... oh.. and the sky.. It looked like an overcast sunrise.. but it felt sunny.

I've been trying to keep the gramma happy.. just cuz I know how this stuff has all effected me. I just think.. wow.. a year.. it doesnt feel that long.. but then again, I guess that's the point of life... makes it easier to single out situations.. makes it easy for you to remember something like that.

Not to mention.. it's proabbly been a good year since I really spent alot of time creating poetry.. I picked up a notebook last night.. but I wrote nothing but shit. I dont think I've ever been good thinking when Im writing with a pen. Give me a keyboard and I can at least keep up with my mind.. a pen.. just slows me down so much.

I dunno anymore.. my lifes been a rollercoaster.. I thought I had finally found a great job.. but honestly. this job sucks too. I dont make enuff money to survive.. so at this point.. I'm kinda like fucked. I never make an excess.. just running from check to check. Night to night.

I miss adventure. I miss being on the road, having a purpose. Haveing a form of drive. Going somewhere.
I should be a truck driver. at least that's a job that takes you places. LoL.
My dad's a truck driver. Ole' Crankin Frank. I miss him alot. He's not doing so well either.

I'm all tore up inside.. I feel like I just constantly stab myself in the heart everychance I get. Like Life doesnt have enuff pain to dish out.. I just have to think about it more.

I found that it's usually easier to remain oblivious to things now. Just keep it outta sight outta mind.
I miss love.
I miss my old friends.
and now? Now Im just left with these memories of things in the past. Sometimes I think about them and laugh. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to being a kid. Cuz this.. all this is just a nightmare fading into midnight.. waiting for the sunrise.. I could use some sunshine.

I sat in an afterhours club last night.. just feeling dead inside.. looking around at these people I dont even want to know.. just happy I had a chair to sit in and drink myself sleepy.

I used to wonder why my dad tried to drink himself to death.. I blamed it alot on his breaking off from the hard stuff.. they say alky is a natural trade off for H heads.
I like it cuz it makes me happy.

I had someone ask me if I was a mean drunk... and I've never been one.. One night, I can think of.. but it really didnt have much to do with drinking, that was a situation that was going to happen regardless.

I dont think I could drink myself to death.. but I dunno. I think that life alone can kill me. Not drinking.
I just hope Im in a car when it happens...and it's not my fault. so at least my grandma will get that vacation she didnt get in 50 years. Horrible trade off, I know. but, if I gotta go, I hope she gets something that I couldnt give to her... a big fat wad of cash.

I know I keep comming off as whiney and depressed.. I dunno.. I guess I just feel like I've slighted myself.. so I'm a lil apathetic about the whole thing.. and I guess venting here is about the only way I can really talk about this stuff to myself..
thinking that it's informing you.. when really.. it's informing me.

When I get locked up and they throw away the key. I'll write my story for the world.. since I'll be convicted of my crimes..I can share them all with you. In book form. So you'll buy it.

I used to think there wasen't anything wrong with me. But now. Now I'm not in denial.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to The Saint - Orbital

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I'll be Okay.
06/20/2005 06:20 p.m.
Yeah.. I know you think Im all sad and depressed..
well I am.
but it's ok.
I'm used to it at this point..
I've lived this long dealing with it all..
what's another 20 years?
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Exit Music (For a film) - RadioHead

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I doubt You'd UnderStand
06/11/2005 08:16 p.m.
I know why I quit doing this...
It feels so futile to sit here and ramble on about my inner thoughts..
Since I was a kid.. hell.. I've been in this lifelong pit of depression.

Im like the worst case scenario when it comes to anything.
The shrinks told my parents, which had the nerve to tell me,
that they expected me to be a suicide by 18-21.
I guess they overshot me by about a decade..
but then again.. I've been using drugs and people since then..
just to cover this hole in my heart.. this pain in my head...
this depression.

You look around at almost 30.. and see people who've built empires by now.. people with the right training.. who've just had the whole world handed to them.. and me.. I look around.. and I see a yardsale waiting to happen.
I see this life where all I've produced is mediocre poetry..
friends who are complete fuckups..
ruined lives and misrable wives..
I look around.. and I see.. Depression.

And I've hauled this heavy heart around the world.. I've spent the better parts of my years.. hoping.. that it would somehow turn out alright.
Lets call that the optimist in me.. the hope that yeah, tomorrow will be a better day.

Nope. Those are just lies we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.

Now?
Now I just feel like completeing my prophecy of suicide by 30 if I hadent done anything with my life.
All I see is bullshit at this point.. I havent gained any ground.. hell.. if anything.. I've slipped back past the begininng. and now? Now Im resentful at myself.. Like I can change something I've been for over a decade.
I feel like Im just a leech, Sucking off those around me.. working for tips will do that to you.
I feel like it's hopeless. No matter where I turn, I see problems.
My teeth have been killing me for over a decade now.. and I havent done anything about it... last week I had an abcess that swole up my face...and made me a wreck of a human being. Made me have to wander into the ER at 11pm and beg for antibiotics and painpills. That's been as low as I've gotten..
unless you consider I've had to cancel my health insurance, think of selling my 4runner and a host of other personal possessions.. just to pay rent.

At this point. I just want something to end this. I want it all to stop.
I want to cry. But Im just too dried out. I havent cried over something real...since...a kid. But I guess back then, I knew what tears get you.. nothing.

I trudge on. One more day till my birthday. and.. I dont have anything positive to say.

Love? That's a joke I told myself to make me laugh. Now.. Now I hear the joke over and over.. and it's not even funny anymore. Depression kinda ruins love, like rain on suedue. Now.. Now I am just content with company. Love isnt something I look forward to. I actually shun it on most occasions..
I gave it a try a year or so ago.. and all it got me was wrapped up in someone elses life.. a life that was so much better than mine.. and I grew to resent it. On a higher level. So at this point.. I just look at myself as this lost cause. Because.. in reality..that's all I've ever been.
I've been one to my parents.. I've been one to my peers.. I've been one to myself.
And what am I left with?
Horrible Memories. Sad Stories that I no longer wish to share..
I'd make oprah do a backflip off the highdive with my truth.
I dont even think.. You can handle the truth.
So I've been dishonest.
With you... the reader.. with me.. the writer.. with everything.
In the name of.. not having to explain myself to anyone.
For me to explain.. would just leave me guilty.
and that's all I need.. another person other than me knowing my levels of guilt.
Im not worried about the afterlife apparently.. Summing up my sins in a bowl makes it look like a murky black punch.
Trying to sum up my saintly moments.. is alot harder.
But I guess it's a matter of perspective. I look at it like something I wasnt.. but really, in reality.. I am.
I am the murderer.. I am the sinner.. I am the one you tell your kids not to be. Im the drug addict.. Im the sexually abused child.. Im the one you couldnt look in the eye if you knew me better than my exterior explains.
I have a rare disease..
It's called AaronHowardinitus.
Don't catch it.
It'll be the end of you.

I thought I've found someone.. and they turn out better everytime.
I look around and all I see are reflections of me.
and that's not a good thing.
I attract the wrong element. I knew happy people once.
Now.. now I only know people with pain in their hearts
I only know people who can fake thier own parts.

I knew myself at one point.. but now.. now I just live in denial
and sit here and act innocent, as if my life was on trial.
I wish I could sit down and deconstruct myself for you
but that's something that I can't put myself through.
I've been through hell and back with this family of mine
and I dont even try to think of the things you'd find.
I dont care to explain why mom's not around
I dont feel like trying to act profound.
I just want some fucking me time.
I just want to forget my crime.
I just want to wash my hands clean
but, I doubt you'd understand, what I mean.

I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Chemical Burn = FC Soundtrack

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Spotless Mind
06/11/2005 06:36 p.m.
you know.. few things have touched me in my downward spiral as much latly as sunshine and the spotless mind...
It just makes me wish I had someone like that in my life.. someone who was so honest.. someone who was there.

Love is somwething you wish you had.. pure, drawing a moth to the flame, love.

and yet.. I fall for all the wrong people.. I fall for all the wrong innendo's

I can't forget someone I loved.. someone who knew..or at least wanted to know me... knowing me is like a tragic dream. Something that's almost tangible.. but my fear just overtakes me.

I remember something...something about you.. something thats makes me regret leaving you... going away when I promied I never would.
and I walked away.. and now... i regret. Saying goodbye.

but I guess that's what makes me who I am.. someone who ran from love...
only to live now.. a life of regret.

maybe regret is something that I am best at..
maybe this is all just a metaphore of me...
I never knew love.. until I met you..
and now.. it's over.. I forget.. I ever knew.

So I wake up in the afternoon.. and miss your arms around my neck
and I live my life.. from paycheck to paycheck..
I know one day..at least I can die..
without ever really having to say goodbye.

You know I think that love is proabbly what ruins out lives
where we live through all our days tring to just survive.


I wish you all well in your search for love.
may you find it and never loose it, so dont pick and choose it
for you'll find you had it, but didnt grab it..
and now you wish you'd taken a stab at it.


Happy with a secret... a secret that i still love you.
Happy.. happiest I've ever been.
almost like a dream.. but then again, a dream is usually in hindsight.

I miss you.
and proabbly always will.
the love of my life...
the air in my breath,
maybe I'll be lucky
and meet you after death.

---
I wish I had a girl with two colors in her hair..
someone who lived thier iives without someone else's care

yeah. I can wish for someone outta an anime dream..
I can wish for someone who'd know the real from the seem's.
but I guess a man can dream.
and just take one for the team.

I'll be here. waiting...
while others are just contemplating.

I need you loving, so let the time pass
because I dont want you, for just a piece of ass.


I am currently Anxious
I am listening to Psycho Boy Jack - Fight Club Soundtrack

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the backlog number 1
06/11/2005 06:35 p.m.
I found a couple of files of ramblings for the journal.

The new stuffÖ

Itís been a while since I sat down and really thought about anything to write.. and I did..
And once again.. itís lost in the annals of my memory..
Power outage in the middle of the night wiped the screen clean.. and for some reason.. I think that itís not gonna happen to me.. to something I wrote.. and really.. itís not like I really miss it..
Well actually.. in honesty, I do.. Iíd spent a couple of days just fiddling around with lyrics and poetry.. and some good stuff too.. shame to lose it like that.. but itís just another reminder to me to get my act together..
Just like now.. sitting here trying to reconstruct some of the good points Iíd made..

But alas.. nothing.. just wiped from my memory.. much like my computer.

ExplanationÖ Iíve been trying to get motivated to write.. but honestly.. I havenít found any motivation.. and the main stuff thatís been brought up is either too painful for me to spill on page or too depressing for me to want to have to go back and reedit at one point or another..

An editor.. yeah.. Iíve been writing so long now, that I donít even want to edit my own stuff anymore.. itís like this never ending nightmare of workÖ
And writing isnít supposed to be about a nightmare..
Itís supposed to be about free form flowing action, without distraction
Itís words and verse to converse my feelings of that hurse..
I donít know whatís worse, this self doubt and agony
Or the thought of you not here in front of me..
But hey, maybe some day.. but whoís to say?
Anyways.
I look back on all this and I just think, is it a waste? Is it worth a read? Is it even worth the time? Probably not.. but then againÖ what writer writes for the reader? Well.. Unless youíre writing and book or a screenplay.

Hell.. I thought about doing both of those for a while now.. and I came up with some great ideas for movies..
But when it comes down to it.. what do you have at the end of the day? Bills.. lots of them..
Iíve dubbed them Money landÖ
Iím stuck outside.. but a couple $1000 weeks would defiantly get me to money land..
I donít have any savings. I donít have a good job.. I donít have shit.
Iím stuck in this wet hole and I feel like Iím just digging myself deeper.
And man.. looking around at my life.. it just fucken depresses me so much that here I am..
Almost 30.. havenít done shit with my life.. and now whatÖ spend time on the computer?
What the fuck.
I donít know.. people seem to just plain out annoy me now.. they show me their true colors in a sentence.. I can see the sadness.. I can see the longing.. and I just laugh in the face of misery.. itís like how else can I torture myself.. how can I let you in to my life only to watch you walk back out of it?

I used to feel alone.. but now I just want to be alone.. itís a pretty funny look at things..
I used to think I wanted someone in my life.. but sometimes It seems like Iíll never make anyone happy
Happy enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me.. and I donít think I could torture someone like that. But alas.. her eI am.. back in bullshit land, whining about my so-called-problems.. avoiding people and wondering what the hell is wrong.
Maybe itís cuz I work my ass off and donít get shit.. so thatís my fault.. not having the skills to take my life to the next level.. not planning ahead.. the American dream? Right.
So here I amÖ the writer.. the staring artist.. living on mac and cheese and southpaw.. skid row not far from sight..
And looking at all this.. I wonder.. whatís me to do? Devine intervention would be key in this point..
So Iím praying..
But then again.. itís always nice to wish upon a star..even if it is, the son.

---
When I think of Christmas of my youth.. I think of Dean Martin singing carols off LP and my dog Apollo wandering around stealing peopleís goodÖ
I think I get so depressed around the holidays because as long as I could remember growing up.. itís never been a cheerful Christmas.. itís not that I was robbed.. but there were always other things to worry about.. and just like usual.. Christmas snuck up on me without warning.. and here I am. Depressed. Thinking about how I donít have anything that Christmas symbolized.. I donít have a family.. I donít have Love.. I donít have someone to kiss under the mistletoe..
I have myself.. and this constant reminder around me.. I find it offensive actually.. all these people trying to stuff good cheer down my throat with their fake Jesusí and nativity sceneís..
Itís barbaric how people act during the holidays.. all fighting for their place in line.. all rushing off to the next family ordeal.. in which I have no part. So kick and scrape your way to be next in line for that red light.

I miss when I was a kid.. now all I have to look foreword to is getting things for other people.. Looking around at people who donít even notice me anymore.. but when youíre a kid.. the magic is there.. You believe in the unknown.. then one day.. itís all gone. And Youíre 30 staring down the 12 days of Christmas. Wondering.. where did I let it all go? Eh, where ever it is.. Iím sure Iím better off with it, than without it.



The Sickness Translations..

They say itís best to create when your body is under duress.. Iíve been feverish now for 2 weeks.. feeling like Iím dying in leaps in bounds.. like someoneís taken a baseball bat of e-coli and kicked it around the field until Iím left gasping for air and coughing up blood. Iíve always been a trooperÖGoing into work sick, just so it didnít seem like I was taking the cheap way out and just calling in sick. Even tho I really should at this point.. I havenít eaten a solid thing in 3 days.. the thought of food alone makes me want to vomit.. and since the last time I did eat something, I almost instantly puked it back up.. I think thatís really whatís kept my mind off food. Mmmm and lets not forget the cold sweats.. Mmmm.. how could you?
At first.. Iíd just wake up a lil wet.. Now.. I wake up soaked.. so in an attempt to work around my illness once again.. I change into some comfy clothes.. soak them in my sleep.. wake up freezing and change into another set of comfy clothes. FĒN Great. Dreams have been so different too.. surreal, so easy to get lost in.. So deep. And all the while.. so shallow.. I keep waking up from coughing.. I have this one dream that really freaks me out.. itís either me getting choked by someone, or drowning.. either of them.. not nice to wake up in mid seizure cough.
Iíve been chipper for the most part through all this.. just trying to keep my head up as it feels like Iím gonna cough my brains out. I kind of like being sick in a morose way though.. like this is deathís way of letting me know, he could just be around the cornerÖ how I could just end up 6 feet under a headstone if I didnít fold under and go to the doctorsÖ which in reality.. is why I am this sick.. If I would have been your typical American pussy and headed right to the docs 3 weeks ago.. I could have solved all these problems..
Not like I enjoy swallowing razorblades and sounding like Lois Armstrong when I talk.. but at the same time.. the dreams.. how I feel.. is almost magical.. then again, I am taking more tussin than is suggested.. and I am popping pills left and right.. so they have my head swimming in this sea of Dayquil and Ant amphetamines, and magical mystery brain synapses. So everything looks so deeper than just on the surface.. So deep into peoples eyes.. so Deep into spoken and unspoken..
I guess when youíre miserable inside, you notice the happiness and sadness around you more astutely.
You may see a smiling face.. but looking deeper you can see the sadness in their eyes.. the uncertainty of their demeanor.. the lies that disguise our lives. Just making it through another day.. I hope you find your way.
I dream as I walk.. looking around at a world obscure to me.. Unsure to me.. Lost in uncertainty.
Should I worry? Who has time for that? Where are we at? Do we really have time to chat?
Waste away with emotions and promotions, Up sell and grand sale, Secret Shoppers and Head Choppers.
Just grin and bear it, No point to fear it,
Enough is enough, It isnít that tough
I can rhyme on time in-between lines
My mother didnít raze no cowboy
Nor did I get to enjoy being a baby boy
Those memories and dreams, snatched quick
With lines like, You isnít ever going to be shit.
So I knew from the get go, I had to let the world know
Iím not typical, Iím not less than you, Iím myself and I bring it true.
No one ever understood me, But I guess thatís kind of easy to see.
I live in a world of words, not social herds..
I donít bend in the wind just to fit in.
I never liked faking it, I think thatís all just bullshit.
Be like me. A rebel, an angel and a devil.
I live like there is no tomorrow. Just so I wont look back in sorrow of yester morrow.
I could flex my lyrical might all night, but that just isnít right
Without a message, youíre an empty vessel,
And with your own meanings youíll tussle.
I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to Corporate World - Fight Club Soundtrack

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How to write...
05/26/2005 10:20 a.m.
I used to think I could spend all my time pouring words on page.. but I dunno.. I need inspiration. I dont need depression. I dont need more drugs.. I dont need sleep.. well.. yeah, sleep is nice.. but when I dont sleep.. I come up with edgy brilliant work..(to me anyways...)

My world seems so sour to me now.. bitter tasting.. like drinking bleach. Day after day.. going no where.
Wishing I knew the right answer..but I feel so out of place. Like I belong someplace else.. Like Im not made for this world.
Stress just boggs me down.. and my only release is sleep and occasional company. Occasional because.. that's all I allow.
I feel so drained of life latly.. all I've been dealing with is pain latly.. not like Im not used to it.. but it just feels like it's sapped the happy out of me.. not to mention turning 30 on the 28th...
Man.. dreading the big 30.. I promised myself I'd do something with my life at this point.. or just join the navy.. looking like I should just go sign up at this point.. my life's just been wasting away in this shithole I call a life..
No adventure.. no inspiration.. just this overbearing depression that plauges my dreams.. my thoughts..

I feel like IM living a daily version of Deja Vu.. just watching someone I love waste away all over again.. and it's just killing me. the thought of being alone without family just slays me inside.. the thought that soon.. sooner than I could want.. another person I love will be gone.

I went and saw star wars.. and one thing that really stood out to me was the yoda speech he gives vader about celebrate the conversion to the 'force' or, death. How we're to celebrate someone and not be so attached that it destroys your life.
True words, I guess.. but in the same sense, it's so hard to let go of yesterday.. people you love come and go in your life..You miss them, but nothing can change the face of time.
Love them while you have them. They will be gone tomorrow.
I am currently Better
I am listening to Tomorrow's Song - Phish

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Insomnia Brings out the writer in me
05/18/2005 12:52 p.m.
I've been avoiding writing for a while, since really.. it's just be complaints about my so called shitty life.

I've been working alot.. but havent been making shit..
my manager told us all not to make this job our primary source of income. Yeah. No shit. This last month has kicked my ass worse than anything I've dealt with in the last year.

Abcessed teeth have been really making me sick too.. almost to the point of me going to the free clinic and seeing what they can do to help me out.. the infections keep comming and going.. it's been a real struggle with the pain.
I've never known a pain quite like oral infection.

Honestly.. this last 6 months has been almost unbearable to deal with..
Suicide seems like a great option sometimes.. but honestly.. I can't fold. I dont think I can even fathom folding.
I know people struggle through this stuff.. and it only builds character.
What doesnt kill you.. only makes you stronger..
I guess I could say the same thing about writing.
I sit down and produce a bunch of work.. that honestly.. Im not proud of anymore... stuff that I've just been writing and deleting..

I used to just put pen to page and put out crap.. lots of it.
Now I just delete it before I can even get the nerve to throw it on here..

I have a couple files of druken ramblings/poems.. I might toss those up here after I get some real time..

I need a fat wad of cash. I hate money.
It's my current nemesis.

I'd sell my body on ebay.. but I dont think that'd be something that'd get me much money.
I've been trying to brain storm a way to make more money..
something on the side that could at least put some food in my fridge.. bah. Enough with the complaints already.

I think that's one of the main reasons I avoid writing stuff in here anymore.. just my fear of sounding like I'm always complaining... but in all honestly, this has been a really rough year for me.

I hope next year will be better.
or am I just stuck in a storm, getting wetter?

I am currently Bleh
I am listening to We're all on Drugs - Weezer

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