It's been a year...
07/04/2005 06:48 p.m.
I've made it a year now from the death of my grandfather..
and everything's been surreal.

Had a dream I was down at the ocean swimming. I could feel the bottom of the ocean.. and it felt greasy. I jumped off the deck and could feel the salty water sticking to me like sand on wet skin. I backstroked.. but lil kids kept getting in my way. It was bizarre to say the least... oh.. and the sky.. It looked like an overcast sunrise.. but it felt sunny.

I've been trying to keep the gramma happy.. just cuz I know how this stuff has all effected me. I just think.. wow.. a year.. it doesnt feel that long.. but then again, I guess that's the point of life... makes it easier to single out situations.. makes it easy for you to remember something like that.

Not to mention.. it's proabbly been a good year since I really spent alot of time creating poetry.. I picked up a notebook last night.. but I wrote nothing but shit. I dont think I've ever been good thinking when Im writing with a pen. Give me a keyboard and I can at least keep up with my mind.. a pen.. just slows me down so much.

I dunno anymore.. my lifes been a rollercoaster.. I thought I had finally found a great job.. but honestly. this job sucks too. I dont make enuff money to survive.. so at this point.. I'm kinda like fucked. I never make an excess.. just running from check to check. Night to night.

I miss adventure. I miss being on the road, having a purpose. Haveing a form of drive. Going somewhere.
I should be a truck driver. at least that's a job that takes you places. LoL.
My dad's a truck driver. Ole' Crankin Frank. I miss him alot. He's not doing so well either.

I'm all tore up inside.. I feel like I just constantly stab myself in the heart everychance I get. Like Life doesnt have enuff pain to dish out.. I just have to think about it more.

I found that it's usually easier to remain oblivious to things now. Just keep it outta sight outta mind.
I miss love.
I miss my old friends.
and now? Now Im just left with these memories of things in the past. Sometimes I think about them and laugh. Sometimes I just wish I could go back to being a kid. Cuz this.. all this is just a nightmare fading into midnight.. waiting for the sunrise.. I could use some sunshine.

I sat in an afterhours club last night.. just feeling dead inside.. looking around at these people I dont even want to know.. just happy I had a chair to sit in and drink myself sleepy.

I used to wonder why my dad tried to drink himself to death.. I blamed it alot on his breaking off from the hard stuff.. they say alky is a natural trade off for H heads.
I like it cuz it makes me happy.

I had someone ask me if I was a mean drunk... and I've never been one.. One night, I can think of.. but it really didnt have much to do with drinking, that was a situation that was going to happen regardless.

I dont think I could drink myself to death.. but I dunno. I think that life alone can kill me. Not drinking.
I just hope Im in a car when it happens...and it's not my fault. so at least my grandma will get that vacation she didnt get in 50 years. Horrible trade off, I know. but, if I gotta go, I hope she gets something that I couldnt give to her... a big fat wad of cash.

I know I keep comming off as whiney and depressed.. I dunno.. I guess I just feel like I've slighted myself.. so I'm a lil apathetic about the whole thing.. and I guess venting here is about the only way I can really talk about this stuff to myself..
thinking that it's informing you.. when really.. it's informing me.

When I get locked up and they throw away the key. I'll write my story for the world.. since I'll be convicted of my crimes..I can share them all with you. In book form. So you'll buy it.

I used to think there wasen't anything wrong with me. But now. Now I'm not in denial.
I am currently Amazed
I am listening to The Saint - Orbital