the backlog number 1
06/11/2005 06:35 p.m.
I found a couple of files of ramblings for the journal.

The new stuff…

It’s been a while since I sat down and really thought about anything to write.. and I did..
And once again.. it’s lost in the annals of my memory..
Power outage in the middle of the night wiped the screen clean.. and for some reason.. I think that it’s not gonna happen to me.. to something I wrote.. and really.. it’s not like I really miss it..
Well actually.. in honesty, I do.. I’d spent a couple of days just fiddling around with lyrics and poetry.. and some good stuff too.. shame to lose it like that.. but it’s just another reminder to me to get my act together..
Just like now.. sitting here trying to reconstruct some of the good points I’d made..

But alas.. nothing.. just wiped from my memory.. much like my computer.

Explanation… I’ve been trying to get motivated to write.. but honestly.. I haven’t found any motivation.. and the main stuff that’s been brought up is either too painful for me to spill on page or too depressing for me to want to have to go back and reedit at one point or another..

An editor.. yeah.. I’ve been writing so long now, that I don’t even want to edit my own stuff anymore.. it’s like this never ending nightmare of work…
And writing isn’t supposed to be about a nightmare..
It’s supposed to be about free form flowing action, without distraction
It’s words and verse to converse my feelings of that hurse..
I don’t know what’s worse, this self doubt and agony
Or the thought of you not here in front of me..
But hey, maybe some day.. but who’s to say?
Anyways.
I look back on all this and I just think, is it a waste? Is it worth a read? Is it even worth the time? Probably not.. but then again… what writer writes for the reader? Well.. Unless you’re writing and book or a screenplay.

Hell.. I thought about doing both of those for a while now.. and I came up with some great ideas for movies..
But when it comes down to it.. what do you have at the end of the day? Bills.. lots of them..
I’ve dubbed them Money land…
I’m stuck outside.. but a couple $1000 weeks would defiantly get me to money land..
I don’t have any savings. I don’t have a good job.. I don’t have shit.
I’m stuck in this wet hole and I feel like I’m just digging myself deeper.
And man.. looking around at my life.. it just fucken depresses me so much that here I am..
Almost 30.. haven’t done shit with my life.. and now what… spend time on the computer?
What the fuck.
I don’t know.. people seem to just plain out annoy me now.. they show me their true colors in a sentence.. I can see the sadness.. I can see the longing.. and I just laugh in the face of misery.. it’s like how else can I torture myself.. how can I let you in to my life only to watch you walk back out of it?

I used to feel alone.. but now I just want to be alone.. it’s a pretty funny look at things..
I used to think I wanted someone in my life.. but sometimes It seems like I’ll never make anyone happy
Happy enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me.. and I don’t think I could torture someone like that. But alas.. her eI am.. back in bullshit land, whining about my so-called-problems.. avoiding people and wondering what the hell is wrong.
Maybe it’s cuz I work my ass off and don’t get shit.. so that’s my fault.. not having the skills to take my life to the next level.. not planning ahead.. the American dream? Right.
So here I am… the writer.. the staring artist.. living on mac and cheese and southpaw.. skid row not far from sight..
And looking at all this.. I wonder.. what’s me to do? Devine intervention would be key in this point..
So I’m praying..
But then again.. it’s always nice to wish upon a star..even if it is, the son.

---
When I think of Christmas of my youth.. I think of Dean Martin singing carols off LP and my dog Apollo wandering around stealing people’s good…
I think I get so depressed around the holidays because as long as I could remember growing up.. it’s never been a cheerful Christmas.. it’s not that I was robbed.. but there were always other things to worry about.. and just like usual.. Christmas snuck up on me without warning.. and here I am. Depressed. Thinking about how I don’t have anything that Christmas symbolized.. I don’t have a family.. I don’t have Love.. I don’t have someone to kiss under the mistletoe..
I have myself.. and this constant reminder around me.. I find it offensive actually.. all these people trying to stuff good cheer down my throat with their fake Jesus’ and nativity scene’s..
It’s barbaric how people act during the holidays.. all fighting for their place in line.. all rushing off to the next family ordeal.. in which I have no part. So kick and scrape your way to be next in line for that red light.

I miss when I was a kid.. now all I have to look foreword to is getting things for other people.. Looking around at people who don’t even notice me anymore.. but when you’re a kid.. the magic is there.. You believe in the unknown.. then one day.. it’s all gone. And You’re 30 staring down the 12 days of Christmas. Wondering.. where did I let it all go? Eh, where ever it is.. I’m sure I’m better off with it, than without it.



The Sickness Translations..

They say it’s best to create when your body is under duress.. I’ve been feverish now for 2 weeks.. feeling like I’m dying in leaps in bounds.. like someone’s taken a baseball bat of e-coli and kicked it around the field until I’m left gasping for air and coughing up blood. I’ve always been a trooper…Going into work sick, just so it didn’t seem like I was taking the cheap way out and just calling in sick. Even tho I really should at this point.. I haven’t eaten a solid thing in 3 days.. the thought of food alone makes me want to vomit.. and since the last time I did eat something, I almost instantly puked it back up.. I think that’s really what’s kept my mind off food. Mmmm and lets not forget the cold sweats.. Mmmm.. how could you?
At first.. I’d just wake up a lil wet.. Now.. I wake up soaked.. so in an attempt to work around my illness once again.. I change into some comfy clothes.. soak them in my sleep.. wake up freezing and change into another set of comfy clothes. F”N Great. Dreams have been so different too.. surreal, so easy to get lost in.. So deep. And all the while.. so shallow.. I keep waking up from coughing.. I have this one dream that really freaks me out.. it’s either me getting choked by someone, or drowning.. either of them.. not nice to wake up in mid seizure cough.
I’ve been chipper for the most part through all this.. just trying to keep my head up as it feels like I’m gonna cough my brains out. I kind of like being sick in a morose way though.. like this is death’s way of letting me know, he could just be around the corner… how I could just end up 6 feet under a headstone if I didn’t fold under and go to the doctors… which in reality.. is why I am this sick.. If I would have been your typical American pussy and headed right to the docs 3 weeks ago.. I could have solved all these problems..
Not like I enjoy swallowing razorblades and sounding like Lois Armstrong when I talk.. but at the same time.. the dreams.. how I feel.. is almost magical.. then again, I am taking more tussin than is suggested.. and I am popping pills left and right.. so they have my head swimming in this sea of Dayquil and Ant amphetamines, and magical mystery brain synapses. So everything looks so deeper than just on the surface.. So deep into peoples eyes.. so Deep into spoken and unspoken..
I guess when you’re miserable inside, you notice the happiness and sadness around you more astutely.
You may see a smiling face.. but looking deeper you can see the sadness in their eyes.. the uncertainty of their demeanor.. the lies that disguise our lives. Just making it through another day.. I hope you find your way.
I dream as I walk.. looking around at a world obscure to me.. Unsure to me.. Lost in uncertainty.
Should I worry? Who has time for that? Where are we at? Do we really have time to chat?
Waste away with emotions and promotions, Up sell and grand sale, Secret Shoppers and Head Choppers.
Just grin and bear it, No point to fear it,
Enough is enough, It isn’t that tough
I can rhyme on time in-between lines
My mother didn’t raze no cowboy
Nor did I get to enjoy being a baby boy
Those memories and dreams, snatched quick
With lines like, You isn’t ever going to be shit.
So I knew from the get go, I had to let the world know
I’m not typical, I’m not less than you, I’m myself and I bring it true.
No one ever understood me, But I guess that’s kind of easy to see.
I live in a world of words, not social herds..
I don’t bend in the wind just to fit in.
I never liked faking it, I think that’s all just bullshit.
Be like me. A rebel, an angel and a devil.
I live like there is no tomorrow. Just so I wont look back in sorrow of yester morrow.
I could flex my lyrical might all night, but that just isn’t right
Without a message, you’re an empty vessel,
And with your own meanings you’ll tussle.
I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to Corporate World - Fight Club Soundtrack