I doubt You'd UnderStand
06/11/2005 08:16 p.m.
I know why I quit doing this...
It feels so futile to sit here and ramble on about my inner thoughts..
Since I was a kid.. hell.. I've been in this lifelong pit of depression.

Im like the worst case scenario when it comes to anything.
The shrinks told my parents, which had the nerve to tell me,
that they expected me to be a suicide by 18-21.
I guess they overshot me by about a decade..
but then again.. I've been using drugs and people since then..
just to cover this hole in my heart.. this pain in my head...
this depression.

You look around at almost 30.. and see people who've built empires by now.. people with the right training.. who've just had the whole world handed to them.. and me.. I look around.. and I see a yardsale waiting to happen.
I see this life where all I've produced is mediocre poetry..
friends who are complete fuckups..
ruined lives and misrable wives..
I look around.. and I see.. Depression.

And I've hauled this heavy heart around the world.. I've spent the better parts of my years.. hoping.. that it would somehow turn out alright.
Lets call that the optimist in me.. the hope that yeah, tomorrow will be a better day.

Nope. Those are just lies we tell ourselves so we can sleep at night.

Now?
Now I just feel like completeing my prophecy of suicide by 30 if I hadent done anything with my life.
All I see is bullshit at this point.. I havent gained any ground.. hell.. if anything.. I've slipped back past the begininng. and now? Now Im resentful at myself.. Like I can change something I've been for over a decade.
I feel like Im just a leech, Sucking off those around me.. working for tips will do that to you.
I feel like it's hopeless. No matter where I turn, I see problems.
My teeth have been killing me for over a decade now.. and I havent done anything about it... last week I had an abcess that swole up my face...and made me a wreck of a human being. Made me have to wander into the ER at 11pm and beg for antibiotics and painpills. That's been as low as I've gotten..
unless you consider I've had to cancel my health insurance, think of selling my 4runner and a host of other personal possessions.. just to pay rent.

At this point. I just want something to end this. I want it all to stop.
I want to cry. But Im just too dried out. I havent cried over something real...since...a kid. But I guess back then, I knew what tears get you.. nothing.

I trudge on. One more day till my birthday. and.. I dont have anything positive to say.

Love? That's a joke I told myself to make me laugh. Now.. Now I hear the joke over and over.. and it's not even funny anymore. Depression kinda ruins love, like rain on suedue. Now.. Now I am just content with company. Love isnt something I look forward to. I actually shun it on most occasions..
I gave it a try a year or so ago.. and all it got me was wrapped up in someone elses life.. a life that was so much better than mine.. and I grew to resent it. On a higher level. So at this point.. I just look at myself as this lost cause. Because.. in reality..that's all I've ever been.
I've been one to my parents.. I've been one to my peers.. I've been one to myself.
And what am I left with?
Horrible Memories. Sad Stories that I no longer wish to share..
I'd make oprah do a backflip off the highdive with my truth.
I dont even think.. You can handle the truth.
So I've been dishonest.
With you... the reader.. with me.. the writer.. with everything.
In the name of.. not having to explain myself to anyone.
For me to explain.. would just leave me guilty.
and that's all I need.. another person other than me knowing my levels of guilt.
Im not worried about the afterlife apparently.. Summing up my sins in a bowl makes it look like a murky black punch.
Trying to sum up my saintly moments.. is alot harder.
But I guess it's a matter of perspective. I look at it like something I wasnt.. but really, in reality.. I am.
I am the murderer.. I am the sinner.. I am the one you tell your kids not to be. Im the drug addict.. Im the sexually abused child.. Im the one you couldnt look in the eye if you knew me better than my exterior explains.
I have a rare disease..
It's called AaronHowardinitus.
Don't catch it.
It'll be the end of you.

I thought I've found someone.. and they turn out better everytime.
I look around and all I see are reflections of me.
and that's not a good thing.
I attract the wrong element. I knew happy people once.
Now.. now I only know people with pain in their hearts
I only know people who can fake thier own parts.

I knew myself at one point.. but now.. now I just live in denial
and sit here and act innocent, as if my life was on trial.
I wish I could sit down and deconstruct myself for you
but that's something that I can't put myself through.
I've been through hell and back with this family of mine
and I dont even try to think of the things you'd find.
I dont care to explain why mom's not around
I dont feel like trying to act profound.
I just want some fucking me time.
I just want to forget my crime.
I just want to wash my hands clean
but, I doubt you'd understand, what I mean.

I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Chemical Burn = FC Soundtrack