Home   Home

The Journal of Aaron Howard

Restless
04/11/2005 12:02 p.m.
Spring approaches.. letting me think to what may come.. what may grow in my life.. things to do.. oh all the things to do.

The rains have sprung the green from the trees.. the blossums crawl from the stem.. the lights flicker from streetlights on freshly rained roads..spreading lights for blocks and dreams for miles.

Personally, I always consider spring a time of change in people.. getting ready for summer.. thinking of tomorrow.. and yet.. Im still restless.. I feel like I dont do enough.. and proabbly never will be able to patch up everything in my tragic life.. but to me.. worry is a waste. So time to move on with great haste.

i wish you a plentiful harvest. I wish you happiness in your so called life. I wish you to grow like the life around you.

I wish.
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to Never Know - jack Johnson

Comments (0)


Sink or Swim
03/27/2005 02:06 p.m.
Sink or swim.. things are looking pretty grim.. j.johnson

Yeah.. that's about how things have been for me latly..
Not to be down on myself.. but yeah. Honestly.. this has to be a peronal trial. I never thought I'd have to do all this for myself. Much less having to worry constantly about someone else.

Personally.. I thought I would have fled a long time ago.
But I consider it a personal test. To prove I can take care of someone else.. that I can Love. that I can give up all that I hold dear for someone else. Maybe no give up it all.. but yeah.. for the most part.. it's all unobtainable for me.

Im about as depressing as a person could get.. I mean really.. looking around.. I wonder why I dont take easier routes in life. I know.. it gets me honor for doing the right thing.. I know.. yeah, Im not a total piece of shit.. but really.. I still feel like one. Sure, I'm taking care of my grandma.. sure I'm working as much as possible.. but fuck.. what else can I do? Kill myself? Fuck that. that's just not an option...
but yet.. a hero of mine.. HST goes and f'n kills himself.
I just dont get it.. with a f'd up letter too..
sure he was proabbly munching on liqid acid.. or shroms or something.. but fuck man.. If I was famous.. and fucked up.. I dont think I'd blow my brains out.. I mean.. I doubt I'll ever be famous..
How could I ever deal with fame?
Not me.
Im too much of a homebody.. I couldnt handle people trying to knock on my door... they'd always know where to find me.
but at the same time.. the duality of me.. yearns for fame.. or hell.. at least money. I dont know.. maybe it's cuz Im tired of eating smack ramen. and yet.. life just kicks me in the balls. time and time again.. but hey... it's expected right? Life is great like that..
I love you... but your married.
great.

Musically, I've been bounding all around.. everywhere from Johnsons new ablum, In between dreams to Bela Flecks new 3 cd set.. which.. you should buy. Now. I'll wait.


Yeah. It's that good.. well.. if you like jazz.. of ambient.. or chill music to fall asleep to.

smog.net has been kinda sucking me in alot too.. I love to read his stuff.. but I doubt he'd even vomit on mine.
I ramble too much.
then again.. Im drunk.. and can still type.. so my brain runs like an old 82 dodge.. kinda sputters.
where's the meth turbo charger?
oh yeah.. I sold that.. too many tickets.

I know I speak in rhyme and riddles..
but I got demons plucking fiddles.

The old man has been popping in emails
and I feel like coffin nails..
hence the midlife crisis
and about the parts I miss
but yah know?
I just continue to grow.

Got Pnumonia.. had it for 3 weeks
that was rough shit there.. discombobulated
praying for death.. I even wrote a will.. yeah.. that bad.
cold sweat fevers for like a week straight.. then I got better.
then.. it kicked my ass so bad I was stuck in bed dreaming about the russian mafia and having sex with Heather Brooke..
man.. can she take the pipe.

I had a trick for beating the cold sweats too.. I'd put on clothes.. wake up soaked.. take off the clothes.. change, into PJ's.. the wake up soaked.. Hop into a hot shower.. dry off.. crawl back in bed.. to wake up soaked.. to go to work.

I'd felt like I'd put in 8 hours of work already..
I'd only get an avg 4 hours of sleep at a time..
but hey.. when you got the Pnu.. whatcha gonna do?

I remember vividly thinking this was death just toying with me
lettimg me know.. Hey buddy.. anytime..just catch the wrong shit. and guess what? I'm tapping on your shoulder.

Maybe I could blame it on stress and depression.. maybe.. but then I'd just be every other pussy.. I know what it was from.. too much time taken and promises I'm breaking. Sleep has always been my best friend.. but I guess those times have to end..
who am I to complain..
I love the riegn.

I have spirits sitting in front of me
so Im here just making up a reality.
I wish you were here
so maybe I could adhere
a point a story, maybe even a moral
but hey, you know my metaphores are like coral.
I try for the imagry and soul.
and a long time ago, appareantly, I lost control.

So.. I wish you well.. those in need of an update..
call this my easter egg, a year too late...
You proabbly dont wanna open it
but hey.. it's all my shit. =)

Happy easter.. and fuck man.. Happy Life.
Im still here.. Sorry I dont write more..
I've just missed myself.
and I can't talk unless Im drunk anymore
and dont care what you.. whoever you are.. think.

I wish you'd drop me a line..
but maybe.. it's better that you dont.
I could use a laugh.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Breakdown = J. Johnson

Comments (0)


Wow.. yeah.. been a while...
02/16/2005 09:19 a.m.
I guess you all havent noticed. or maybe yah did... but I've just been so mixed up in work and stress.. that I dont even feel up to writing about it.. much less have the time to write..

So I'll take this time to.. do it to it...

How's my life been?
Hectic..tried to keep two full time jobs at once and ran myself down to nothing over like 4 months.. So then I got hella sick.. slept straight for 36 hours.. fevers, cold sweats , the whole shabang.. prayed for death on the 4th day.. almost lost my Main job.. then so run down back at the same shithoie job.. not making enough money to pay the bills.. worked outta my mind.. stressed the hell out.. worried that the end maybe soon.. but hoping all this shit will turn out.. now Im off for a week while my job does renovations.. and they didnt even give me a weeks notice.. So now.. Smack ramen all week.. broke as living fuck. I love life.. and I hate it at the same time..

So stressed about the bills and what's next.. and how gramma's doing.. I'm bugged outta my mind. I wish it all had this round a bound happy ending.. but I see dispair on the horizen.. I see my life in turmoil... I see uncertainty. I hate to write about uncentainty.. the future... cuz when it boils down to it.. it's always worst case scenario..

I'm basically over being sick for the most part.. but I still feel it in my chest.. cant get the lung landmines of bacteria out.. yet.. tomorrow's a new day..

I had this awesome dream about a hotel..

60's style beachfront.. something like Hawaii.. or some tropical setting..
I get out of the taxi, and walk in the lobby... Im hungry for breakfast, so I look around for the resteraunt.. I see a lounge sign and follow it up the second floor.. only to find a white 60's art deco.. white pillows and wall inset couches and tables... but no kitchen... I walk back to the lobby and figure it's proabbly on the top floor...hopefully.. I walk over and get in the silver elevator.. nice green carpet and glass walls.. I look at the slive control pannel and see a rooftop lounge.. and figure that's where the kitchen is..I press the button.. 45th floor. Floors 41-44 are for guests only.. I figre penthouses as I look at the keylock and 4 green buttons...
As I hit the 25th floor.. the 44th floor light lit up...My curiousity perked when I get to think I get to glance in on a penthouse at this swank hotel... the walls were still black from being in the steel shaft...
the 44th floor was a white and tan level.. I could see all around in the elevator.. even tho the back walls of the elevator had a blurry coat over them.. the doors opened.. and no one was there.. at the doors anyways.. there were 25 or so women sitting around in bathing suits.. it looked like a playboy party.. they were all godesses.. not naked.. and not being slutty.. just sitting around talking and laughing.. I leaned out and asked a group near the doors.. 'Should I hold the elevator?' they giggle and tell me that she'd be right back.. and she'd get the next one...
I snicker and get back inside.. going to the top floor..

the elevator doors close and lift me to the top floor.. the morning sun makes the elevator gleam like glowing crystal.. the sunbeams enwrap me like the birthing light.. it is quite intense.. but calm and soothing at the same time.. like being in a sunbeam snowglobe...
I step off the elevator.. and notice that the elevator carpet matches the grass now all around me.. it's like a massive rooftop park.. comptete with tree's and a little lake.. quite extroidinary with the morning sun off the ocean.. the cloudless horizen.. the beauty was breathtaking..
then I woke up..

So I guess in the most tedious of situations.. your mind will reward you with jewels of dreams.. things to make you hope for a better day.. happiness around the corner.. hope.

Hope is a powerfull thing.
We'd crumble without the hope that maybe things will get better instead of worse...
I hope.. but I'm a realist.. and I dont see happy endings anymore.. those are too textbook for me.. Not real life..

I've been hoping to find the time to write a bartending textbook of all the drink recipies I have.. along with whatever I could collest.. which is a f'n buttload..
but Im having a hard time rationing an idea I know would really sell to the public.. like Im a sellout.. but honestly.. I have like 5 bar books.. and you know what? they dont tell you the stuff you want.. I mean some of the stuff in these books you could never make unless you had some really intricate ingrediants.. not to mention.. the bar favorites, Scooby doo, dirty bongwater, sex with an aligator.. hell.. these are all great drinks that not alot of people know how to do.. bah..

at least you got a little taste of my world.. Sorry if I ramble.. that's the only way I can share all this..

Hmmm.. Sum it up in a sentence.
I wish I could Be Crazy, Then I'd be Sane in this crazy world.

I'd have an emotional breakdown.. but I can't waste time in the emergency lane of mental health.

Bills dont suck themselves outta my mailbox.. they infest me on a monthly scale like locusts through my bank account..

I had a bank account until someone else found out I had money..

Dreams have been kind to me, even tho the harpy knocks and bangs and the stomping gnomes upstairs having raves at 2am.. It's been shitty to be here.. I haven't slept good in months..

Where's the grim reaper when you need him?
Slacking off with Jim Morrison again..


I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Keller Williams - Crooked

Comments (0)


November Update...
10/28/2004 10:30 a.m.
Well moving has been a trip in itself..
but it's left me depressed, stressed, and a real mess.
I've been unpacking and working as much as I can.. and honestly.. I feel like I'm about to snap. There's so much going on in my life, that when I get some time to sit down to myself, it's quickly robbed by something else that needs to be done.
Not to mention, a few weeks after moving in.. we'd 'noticed' we had a bug problem.
I hate bugs. Mainly the phobia that they are gonna crawl in my mouth or over me as I sleep.
Needless to say.. I havent been sleeping much, unless I swallow something to help. So now.. Im winded.. tired and emotionally drained.

I havent written anything in a while.. I think it has alot to do with the fact that really.. when it comes down to it. I'd rather just forget this portion of being stuck in the doldrums. I just want to look back on happy or sad moments in my life.. and this.. well this, other than the emotional drainage, is pretty mediocre.

Cheers to Mediocrity! if that's how you spell it.

and hey.. thank god to the red sox for winning... since.. hey.. if they can win the world series.. then I should be able to find a good job that'll make it so I dont have to feel like Im drowning in debt while I'm working my ass off doing 60 hour weeks for a mere 300 bucks.

I guess that'd explain why I just wake up wishing I was already dead and not stuck having to deal with another day of this... being mediocre.

I am currently Depressed
I am listening to Puffy - Bela Fleck

Comments (0)


Hello, My old friend..
09/23/2004 09:58 a.m.
Today has been as crazy as they come.. and now.. I come away refreshed.. another day.. another time..washing my hands clean of the past.

I realized, why after all this time.. that I havent been honest with you. I really.. haven't been honest with myself.
and it's tearing me up inside.. and for me to be me. You don't have to be here. I'm used to being alone.

So today I said goodbye to some old friends.. well. new friends.. but I felt like I'd known them for a longer time. Some of them I could spot out in a crowd...others were more elusive. I got over myself and got to something real in me.
I shut these people out of my life.. Said goodbye and seeyah.
and then to top it off.. My most recent of recent ex's stops by for her stuff.

Tugged at my heart strings something feirce. Looking fine. Smelling sweet.. and makeing me remember all over why I loved her. Her grace, her smile, soft voice... I just felt happy.
Then.. reality set in as she spoke to me... gone was the witty retort.. now there was a holier than thou attitude. and it'd been apparent from the get go by her lack of eye contact. It'd taken me at least a month to have a coversation with eyecontact.. so I knew.. I was at worse than square one. Blah blah blah long story short, 'can I have my stuff, wanna see my new car?, have a good life, wish you well'...

and all that ran through my mind.. was how misrable I am without her. How now.. my life seems incomplete.. Mind you she is crazy.. locks people out, doesnt tell you what's going on... but as my philly friend says.. I always fall for the crazy cuties..

Mind this too.. She accused me of spreading a pic of her nude on the internet.. I laughed kinda.. really unsettled her.. but I assured her that I'd deleted it long ago. Which honestly I did.. Nothing makes you want cheesecake when you on a diet than a picture of cheesecake you once had.

We said our goodbyes.. I was a bit cold.. but honestly.. it'd smacked me in the face so hard that.. basically. I felt like crying.. and sitting there saying goodbye really just kinda crushed me inside.. and it's been an emotional rollercoaster with me these last couple of months..
and really when it comes down to it.. I just dont know anymore.. I wish happiness to everyone.. but shouldnt I get a lil happiness on the side? maybe work to supersize it?

Yeah.. it's the american way.. come up with something good.. and sell it. hence why I've been working so hard on www.greasygrandma.com . It's been an uphill battle trying to sell people on the idea of a funny t-shirt company on the net. Not as much as I thought anyways.. I've proabbly sold like 50 shirts so far.. but honestly.. it's been a long battle with alot of hours.. and reall at this point.. i cant spent the time I'd love to to develop it more..

I'm moving at the end of this month.. so I know Im going to be busy packing and stuffing and unstuffing for the next 3 weeks or so..

PS.. A couple of you sent me emails about why I havent been doing much with any writing...

Honestly.. I dont wanna write about that kinda stuff yet.. not for a while... it's going to take some real courage to come up with those last 8 months. and to be honest.. I dont even think it'd be a good read.. it's too f'n depressing...

I dunno. I wish you all happiness... even the ex.

and with that. Tonight.. I sleep alone, again.

I am currently Somber
I am listening to The Rain

Comments (0)


Updates...in my life..
09/08/2004 11:39 p.m.
Soo.. I get this email from a stranger.. asking me why there isnt any new poetry in here..
Good question.

Fuck it. I don't feel like writing latly.. like it's something that's not going to benefit me right now. I need to pay bills, I need to get outta my house.. I need to live.. and sitting behind a moniter hasen't exactly been inspiring me at ALL.

To be honest.. I'm sick of it. Owning my own website has made sitting here a chore. Not to mention.. My hearts not really been in it.

I broke up with my gf of 6 months after she kept standing me up and just basically haveing problems in her life and my gramps dies like a day later..
Im so fucking bitter about it all.. and I don't even think sharing these feelings with you jackasses is gonna be worth a shit.
and to my friends.. Im not talking about you.. Im talking about these random jackasses who think that I live to serve them or something.

To my friends.. You arn't my friends.. You're ghosts.. dreams lost. If your reading this.. just imagine me giving you the finger...as hard as I can. Cuz honestly.. Where the fuck are you? Huh? I can't hear you. Oh that's right.. you're not around. So jackasses.. get it together.. or I'll just forget about you like I forgot about writing poetry.

and to people who say my poetry sucks... Yeah, Well.. I figured you'd realize.. Poetry's gay.. and so are you. So go have lots of sex.. and throw some stank on it, Ike.

I've been working on a couple of book ideas.. but I dunno.. they might just sit on my HD forever.. or I'll just sell them on subway streetcorners for pennies.

Who knows..

Whereever you go.. there you are... and the world spins on by.. somehow, somewhere.. life goes on with or without you.



I am currently Alienated
I am listening to Burn one down(Live)-Ben Harper

Comments (0)


Taking a break...
07/08/2004 08:57 a.m.
I'm taking a break from working on anything on pathetic, or the web for that matter.. I need some time to regroup as a person and figure out exactly what I plan on doing with my life... and this whole trying to be an artist thing...

I am currently Bummed
I am listening to See you when you're 40 -Dido

Comments (0)


The 1st of July...Yah for Greed.
07/01/2004 07:39 a.m.
Hmmm... the season of remembrance.. the loss.. the struggle.

And look where we are.. Smack dab in the middle of a war..

A very good time to be patriotic..

people selling american flag pins to help pay their alimony check or lot rent.

So here we are.. at a loss for words at the dead comming back in boxes off the jetliner.. at loss for what to say.. other than sorry... Sorry your son or daughter had to die for our Oil... Not wellbeing... Wellbeing would be sealing off the borders of our country.. Screening anyone doing terrorist shit.. but no.. No.. We get the Safer America by sending our sons and daughters overseas..

and I thought we were in danger here? Sure.. lets send them into the lions den.. to chanse around a few cameel jockeys.
and hell.. lets take down a dictator.. then send him back after we'd humilated him enough...

Alot to be patriotic about.. The slaughters, the women and children...the fact that all of this could have been stopped..

But we don't have that kind of government.. We have one that wait's for bad shit to happen.. waits for a reason to double thier stock in oil and arms manufacture..

So I guess Yahhh for Greed..

It's gotten (the) us this far...
I don't disagree either..
I'm as greedy as the next man..
Give me my fancy car and home..
Give me the freedom to roam..
but I'll kill you if you don't agree
cuz I guess it's just the American in me.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Feeling good - Nina Simone

Comments (0)


in and out...
06/18/2004 12:01 a.m.
Well it's been a whirlwind last couple of weeks.. So much to do, always something to do.. something to keep my mind at work.. and my fingers whirring on the computer..
bah.
There's a unique joy to manual labor that I love.. something about getting your hands dirty and getting something done..
With computers.. it doesnt seem real.. like it's just all fake.. and doesnt really mean anything.

Writing is a bit different. You do feel like you've gotten something accomplished.. even if it's not worth reading.. heh.

Well I sat down and story lined a book of short stories.. they are going to be a bunch of childhood/highschool expereinces.. I've been working on them now for a couple of days.. and came up with a pretty full list.. I cut a few, but for the most part, there'll be a ton of crazy stories about my laughable childhood.. and I guess it all depends on what you consider laughable in the world of little deviants.

It really just started out as me comming up with some good stories to throw into the urban myths and stories section..
but I guess everything happens for a reason.. So I just formed up this 5 page list of story topics.. stuff that kinda tells about me.. not to mention these bubbles in time when I was a kid, wide eyed to the world.. and I haven't thought to share these yet.. I didn't think it'd be worth while.. but honestly.. looking at the list.. these are going to be great to write out.. so if anything.. maybe this will help me step over some border I've placed myself behind.. maybe this will be the time that I can just break on through to the other side and find peace with what I can do with the written word.

I proabbly should take some classes in english tho.. since I seem to suck at it so... heh.. but at least I got some wicked awesome discription skills.. =P

Well folks, I gots to run.. but keep in touch.. it's only gonna get better from here on out.

Oh.. and I threw a couple of poems out there.. I didnt know where to toss them, so I just sat them at the main page..
I wrote those actually in a spark of sickness.. I wrote all that stuff right before food poisoning kicked my ass for a day or so.. I'm just back to solids.. to lets say I'm happy.


I am currently Bleh
I am listening to Don't Stop Believin By Journey

Comments (0)


Just another day in paradise..
05/21/2004 03:25 p.m.
Well the world spins along.. nothing's changed.. yet it's all changed..

Writers block.. more like just taking a breath... takeing these gasps of reality and trying to transform them to paper..
Just another day in paradise..

You're just too young to understand some things...
there's a quote for the books..

Everyone can understand.. everyone can comprehend..
The Downward spiral of nightmares and truths..
the phone calls from that dark phone booths..
The fights we have, nail and tooth..
but no one ever protects us from the truth.

So I've been working on alot of other things..
Mainly my site.. and blogs.. I don't know if you're into that
sort of thing.. but I like the fact that I can do whatever I want there with no expectations.. well.. other than linkbomb..


So I wish you all well in your piece of paradise..


I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Before and After

Comments (0)


Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries

Return to the Library of Aaron Howard

 

pathetic.org Version 7.3.2 May 2004 Terms and Conditions of Use 0 member(s) and 2 visitor(s) online
All works Copyright © 2024 their respective authors. Page Generated In 0 Second(s)