Writers block...?
05/12/2004 12:34 p.m.
I want to write.. but I don't know what to write about.. I have all these ideas... all at once.. I spew this onto a keyboard without a glance... and this is all just making me wonder more and more.. my place in this life.. I can spend my time writing all these stories, poems, songs.. or just let them fester.. I dont need to worry about all this... all of the time.. I don't feel like spending all the free time I have working on these things that I doubt anyone will ever read...

What's the point of pouring your heart out on a page if no one's ever going to notice you when you're alive...


I am currently Alienated
I am listening to The Entertainer - Billy Joel

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Hmmmm...thats strange...
05/08/2004 09:01 p.m.
I keep loosing comments on my work.. I guess they must be some of the older comments phasing out... just a reminder of time I guess... how people come and go in this community..

I've been working alot with blogs latly, as you can tell from the plugging.. I'm starting to really wonder if it's all worth
while to sit down and be self involved in writing something about yourself so much as to just bleh about yourself..

I dunno.. maybe blogs have a bad rap.. it just seems pointless to pour so much effort over something that no one is ever going to read... and if they do, it'll be at a passing glance over music in the background and IM's popping up.

Writing is my preferred mediam.. but maybe I'm just old school.
I am currently Apathetic

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New update...and words of truth.
05/04/2004 05:18 p.m.
Well.. Since I’ve spent most of the day working on stories and backlog for my new blog, I figure I’d spend a little time here… it’s only fair..

I haven’t slept again… I just couldn’t… I was too wrapped up in what I’m going to do with my life… what I’m going to do to make my friends and family proud…

I once thought about an easy way out.. but I just can’t see the logic in running from something…something that sooner or later is going to catch up with me…Life… Life and Death.

I used to think with all these complications… I derailed that train of thought… I figure it was only going down a one way line.. and that line… would end in a bad way… and I’ve trainwrecked my life long enough… long enough for two lifetimes…and I’ve paid my price… I’m even working on overtime now..

I used to be angst ridden… but I found that it was all just me hating myself for not doing anything that matters… well now I do something that matters.. I help someone.. when I’ve only helped myself for so long… maybe this was exactly what I needed.. a way to pay my debt to my family for putting up with a fuckup like me.. I guess I’m past the denial phase.. but I guess after 28 years, coming up on 29, you start to think about all that shit you’ve taught yourself…

I don’t even think life begins until 30… and man. Do I have a lot of catching up to do..

I also have a lot of writing to catch up on… I’ve realized over these last couple of weeks what I’ve got a chance to do… live my life… and watch him live his… I might not be able to see through his eyes.. but I sure as hell can make the world a little more colorful for him.

A lot of people, I’m sure are wondering why I’m doing all this…
I think it will become more and more evident as time goes on…

I’ve given up writing for a long time… I tried to write stuff.. but I couldn’t.. I couldn’t come up with more bullshit that’s non related to my sitation… I can’t write cheerfull love stories when I have a bag full of tragedies just waiting to be herd…

I’m not looking for pity.. but maybe a chance for someone to understand me.. and why I’ve done the things I’ve done…

I’ve promised myself to be honest.. and that in itself is something that will either break me.. or set me free…
I want to be free.. I so want to sing.. and fly… but only time will tell…

I’m just happy to have a chance to help someone.. I’m happy to be here.. in this place that people would trade a body part to get out of.. a place where people just say goodbye and send you off to a home to be ignored and neglected.

If anyone deserves a break in this world… I do..and maybe.. maybe I’ll earn my chance at greatness… maybe I already am great.. who knows.. I sure don’t.. and I don’t think of myself as a saint.. I’m anything but… and if you asked me last year this time.. If I’d have dropped my life to take care of the old bastard.. I’da laughed… but those months I got back from snowshoe and had all that time to talk to him… and become friends again.. changed me.. and this situation.. has only changed me for the better..

Writing about it has been hard.. writing in general has been hard for me.. since I really have a hard time relating this life to anyone… which.. in honesty.. is what this is all about..

I’m planning on taking a majority of the work in here.. and making a book.. showing that maybe even the gutter orchin can make a comeback.. maybe the underdog with a heart of gold can make something for himself in this world of dog eat dog… maybe you don’t have to be an asshole to win over the hearts of America… maybe you can just wing it on a prayer.. and come from shit..smelling like a rose..

I guess it all comes down to how honest about yourself you can be…. At this point, I can’t lie.. it’d ruin the stories…

I am currently Calm
I am listening to MicroPhone Fiend - Rage

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the jumbled insomia aftermath
04/29/2004 10:42 p.m.
I found it this morning.. didnt really know what to do with it.. but I know now.. this is going to be the beginning of my blog on www.greasygrandma.com.. I have a litle reserch to do on it all.. but here it is.. in it's crazy.. and long glory..

bring me home to your most resolute hug
bring me in from the starving wind
bring me your brand of solid love
bring me no reason to pretend
bring us brighter days
more lucid nights
flying like mad kites above our city
bring me all the tears I've shed
put them in blue and amber glass bottles
and tell me they're pretty
i'm so dirty
i'm so tired
i'm so mired in mud and broken down
bring me rain kisses to cleanse and purify
bring me midsummer dreams to wear as a crown
bring me to my knees praying
saying thank you and amen
bring me peace of mind and a deep still quiet
then bring me back

It all boils down to this.. this one moment.. this one crystallized period.. this frozen second upon white seas..

These are the musings and ramblings of someone who should have been committed..
Set loose upon the world, through the cracks in the system.. slipped through like sand..
And maybe.. maybe you’ll see some drug induced morals to my lost soul..
Maybe you’ll see the poetry for what it is..
And maybe.. just maybe.. You’ll live life.

I can’t live your life… I can’t even live my own that well… but these are my glances..and notes..
And inner thoughts. but who knows.. maybe these are just the voices in my head getting out
After I haven’t slept in 48 hours and staying up tonight seems like a good plan.. what’s sleep to the
Insomniac? An on running joke.

Suicidal? Naw.. I’m closer to death everyday, one way or another. so why rush?
Eh but sometimes I get impatient.. I want to spill grey matter over the tread safe carpet..
Upon the sheetrock of my reality.. but thoughts like those.. well.. sleep cures all sadness..
For my dreams are the stuff of legend.. maybe upon some closer inspection.. I’ll one day figure all of this out… maybe not..

It doesn’t seem like much a point to be trivial when you haven’t slept.. everything has an edge
Like you’re in new York in winter.. and forgot your coat… you know the basis.

So,… also.. I have a twisted sense of humor.. I’m not racist.. I love black people.. they taste like chicken..
Well.. then again, everything tastes like chicken… even oatmeal when you’ve got a cold..

So through this spark of an epiphany, I know now the purpose in my life… to make you laugh…

I do it so well.. actually.. when I was a kid, It was really the only attention I got other than bad..
But we all know that song and dance.. been there.. forgot it. Always the class clown.. the fuckup who would take the joke on himself.. just for a laugh.. even if it was a cheap one. So I was the fuck up.
My jokes never understood unless in a Monty python sort of sense. thank god they were actually good.

So.. my twisted sense of humor wasn’t understood then.. and probably wont be understood now..
I laugh at decapitated cats.. funny walks of life….Shit jobs… People who are too stupid to realize how stupid they are… god’s children are all here for our amusement…some people don’t see it that way…
This world is so stuck up from when I knew it as a kid.. people being arrested for their speech.. people being subjugated against for what they do behind closed doors sexually.. or hell, what I do period..
She’s got to be 18, It’s got to be bought from the package store, It’s got to be 30% of your paycheck..
This world is on the downward spiral as we look into the next generation pokemon brainwash to the needless dreams of being at peace with the middle east… we dream of cascading fountains in far away lands, where it’s about what’s under those sands… it’s not about the people anymore, just cold hard cash..
So I just keep my thoughts all up here .. In my secret stash.

Fuck the vote.. yeah.. lets shuffle more shit.. If an actor can be president, let me score a box office hit..
I’m over this disdain of our generation.. the slackers of tomorrow, drowning today in sorrow..
Grasping at messages in music, lost tribes of social retort
And looking up tomorrow as a last resort…

The laughter here’s somewhere.. but it’ll come later.. I got a rambling point to make..
And I make them a lot in this mismatched dream of what a 48 hour sleepless night does to your brain chemistry.. these moments where you just think a thousand thoughts a minute and you can’t remember what you were just talking about… where you dream into conversations and out of relationships…

You just wonder what’s going on in the world when you don’t need drugs to give you that edge.. you need to skip the nap.. you’ll get plenty when you slip into that alpha drained sleep coma.. just don’t be driving..
And sex is usually out of the question at this point… you love someone.. but physical exertion would just waste the pent up mind juice that I’d like to call my whacked ass reality wrapped in paper and ink…something to make you laugh and think..

I’m a great guy.. I have a great heart, a great listener.. a great lover.. but as a person.. I’m average at best..
A dreamer.. a writer.. a poet.. a horrible singer… a last gasp at a horrible dream that has been my life…
I try to think of myself of an inspiration that I’ve made it this far without self destructing like so many of my friends and lovers and family… it’s been a long trial and tribulation of pain and promotion..
I’ve gone out of my way to make people’s life a living hell and made my life a living hell for the sake of other people…

Some of these stories of my life are going to be quick.. some long.. some rants and raves.. some about how jesus saves.. some about my life.. some about this thankless life… I’ll probably die old, broke and alone.. but at least I can cut my honesty down to the bone…

Drug references galore.. I will say more.. but It’s just a chore to tell you about me on the floor…
It’s a hazy maze in this mind of mine, with photographic memory and a wit matched by a rock
And sometimes I just forget about the clock and listen to the ringing in my ears, confronting my fears..
Dreaming this dream of love in the new millennium… woozy like my brains mixed with helium..
Notorious oxide to make me woozy and I’d rather smoke myself retarded than get boozy..

Fucking metaphors within my own misbegotten slang.. this misplaced English to see if you can hang..
These fables of the street urchin, locked outstay till 8pm.. streetlights coming on when mom’s stash is finally safe from me slash him..
A dream within a dream, of a nightmare of my childhood.. but I wouldn’t change it if I could..
I look back upon all these memories of pain.. and I’m just stronger.. but insane.

I laugh at dead fetus’s and bad nigger jokes.. I laugh about abortion and the peoples it chokes..
I laugh at violence.. fuck man, it’s in my culture… since the media circles it just like a vulture..
So this is just an internet dream… ripped apart at the seems.. put down in scribbled post it notes
Filled with crazy links and post it notes and fucked up party quotes..

I’ll have to mention all my friends and family.. it’s only fair.. since really.. I don’t fucken care..
This is the personal life of me.. the poet.. the dreamer.. the liar.. the schemer…

I’ll explain more as time goes on.. and maybe.. maybe you’ll understand what level I’m on..
Maybe not.. but I’ll give it a shot…

And did I mention… I’m insane?

Sneezing has to be my favorite bodily function..
It’s so close to an orgasm it’s scary…
And for most men.. it’s the closest they’ll come to being multi orgasmic..

People just want to be loved right? I think sneeze are better than love..
They sneak up on you.. just like love… out of no where..
Then there’s the foreplay.. sometimes a sneeze is just a sneeze..
But sometimes.. sometimes it just lingers out of reach.. like a lover…
You want it sooo bad… and sometimes.. it just disappears…
So enjoy your sneezes.. watch out for those rapid fire ones though…
They make you see angels descend from the sky and rainbows from traffic lights.

Sneeze on America.. it’s the aftereffect that matters. Cleansed.. clear…and feeling a whole lot better.



I used to dream I was a prophet.. have visions.. have these dreams that came true. thought I was mad..
But I found out that really things aren’t all that bad…
I just speak onto paper castles of ill lost morality… since after its just you and me..
So let me introduce the new world order, since we love to expand our border..
This isn’t anti-American jargon or bullshit for drama, this is the life of America.. where we’re the comma.
We’re not even in the picture, we’re off in a mass grave labeled consumer and this isn’t just a rumor..
They just use this false power of complicity on the 40 oz and the kind bud fifty..

So this is all jargon and dream speak.. since now.. my souls beginning to leak.. out onto this paper, out into the world.. paper rock scissors, into the cold wet stain curled.
Dream back to when you could hack it
and hold them tight, don’t ever slack it.
Drunk, passed out alone…
This honesty.. cutting to the bone..
Lastly but not least the dreams that come true
Never come to tell me the meaning of you..
You the muse, the people I wish to address
The one’s I see in this befuddled mess.
This conspiracy of lies tacked on in gods name
These company’s called churches bringing our name, shame.
We’re humans.. but savages.. killers of the free…
Since we’re all humans.. unfortunately..
We dream of being free like a bird, or happy as a tree
But we all know it sucks in our part of reality..
Constant worry, dreams to drive you insane
But hey, it’s fucken life.. So don’t complain.

Bitching and moaning never got anything done
And if you count who wants to hear it.,. it’d be no one.
Rambling on about your errant ways.. and who’s flavor is flavor these days..
So just shut the fuck up..I don’t want to hear it anymore
Just pack it up.. grab your crap.. and head out that door..
No more misery by the smack ramen pot
And worrying about what I don’t happen to got..
Dreaming this American dream only for nightmare in return..
But I guess this is the way our country has to learn..
Revolt seems futile in this day and age..
But I think it’s almost about time, to set the stage..
For this sack of shit, called a government is greedier than before
And I’m tired of having to work harder to for over more..
I dreamt one day money would be done..
And for once.. everyone was having fun..
Money is a control issue to keep man from his potential..
And greediness in human kind is really exponential..



I had a dream I was living down at a beach…
We’re traveling around a military base, looking for someone..
We were by a sky rise apartment building.. I mentioned it was very tall
The person standing next to me said ‘Yeah, Its almost as the nuclear reactor stacks next to it
I move to the left and can see the massive building behind it. there are these stacks.. they have these light blue stripes…
When we were a few miles away, I’d seen some large buildings on the horizon, but didn’t know they were all part of a nuclear reactor system for the military..

He says, yeah, they shut it down as a security risk.. too many people were also just going in and out of the building… no civies, just military personnel and all.. but that was enough.. even some rods disappeared..
And sure the people got caught… but even I went in and got something for myself… I mean hell, it’s not like they are going to know now.. now that’s the projects been abandoned..


He said ‘ Yeah, they almost finished it, but the government shut it down after 9-11 as a security risk..
I’m like, yeah I could see why…

But why doesn’t it look like the normal reactor?

Cuz they are trying to build newer types of reactors.. they said the old bell shape reactors scared people…since after 3 mile island, everyone knew what a meltdown looked like…

Pan to me at the beach… I walk into a convenience store and buy a pack of smokes from this guy who looks homeless, and then there is a flash…

Pan back to the reactor…

You see a bunch of guys in environmental suits.. standing at attention… pans over to a laptop with a timer stating 1 hour and 03 minutes.. and counting..

A bunch of scientists walk up to the laptop…

We’ve only got an hour? (the timer clicks to 1h 2Mm)
Well we’d better call in the professionals and figure out what we’re going to do about the nearby town..
Is there any live material in the building?
Only wastes… how powerful do you think it is?
Probably a couple of megas.. enough to wipe out the base and some of the nearby residential.. then there’s the fallout..

Time runs out a 1 hour 0 minutes…a little smiley face pops up and says ‘Have a nice Day!’

Back off to the apt building..
An explosion blows out part of the factory. sending shrapnel high into the air..
Then comes the chain reaction… another explosion rocks the camera with it’s shockwave..
And now.. now it’s apparent that something more is happening..
A huge explosions comes from between the stacks sending black smoke and a small fireball into the sky..
Then.. then a white explosion happens.. sending a beam of light into the sky.. the stacks collapse on top of the building as the beam of white light gets wider.. then shoots up the mushroom cloud…

The apartment building starts smoking from the cement and then the shockwave hits it. it falls like a house of cards..




I am currently Calm
I am listening to the fan and it's never ending breeze

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Wow.. another day with no sleep
04/28/2004 07:01 p.m.
Ok.. it's been four days of hell so far..

First day I couldnt sleep.. stayed up 36 hours..
then like a miracle.. I slept.. for about 10 hours..

then.. then I havent been able to sleep since..

and I'm already past 27 hours... usually.. I'd feel like writing..

I wrote some stuff last night.. but it's pretty depressing.. but fuck it.. this is all about sharing with imaginary people right?

It’s 4/27/04 5:20 Am...

I haven’t slept in two days... and even when I did sleep.. it was only for 4 hours..

I been wrestling with what to write about...
how this insomnia is distorting my views, my choices, my life...
how my mind frame is great.. for the tragedy, I'm chipper
how I see shadows out of the corner of my eye..
how I've been up for almost 48 hours... and I'm not even tired..

My brain shut down sometime last night.. logical sense just alludes me now.. I try to
find things to amuse me.. so I've spent the latter part of 12 hours surfing the web, reading
posting and just generally being weird..

I keep yawning.. but it's not a tired yawn.. it's not one of those I'm exhausted yawns..
this is more like one of those yawns you let out after lunch...

so at this point.. I'm just writing from my soul... there's nothing left in me to bare..
so it might as well be my soul.

Im so full of doubt when I have a full days sleep.. I'm so worried about how things are going to turn out
I'm just so stressed.. and as I've been in constant stress since Christmas...

you might wonder what the stress is from.. it's family drama.. real life drama
taking care of someone else drama, changing an old man's diapers drama..
and this.. this is my time to shine.. when I'm all strung out on Dr. Pepper and blogs..
when I'd rather spend my time masturbating on a cam than having sex with a real person..
When I'd rather just be a flirt.. than be someone's daddy..

I'd been through the whole kid game before and I lost.. I lost hard.. I lost so hard
I still can't get an erection when the subject of kids has been mentioned in the last 15 minutes..

I was tired sometime last night and I tried to go to sleep.. but as soon as I was drifting off..
the world shook me awake and left me with just half a brain and less patience..

Now.. now I can't even stand myself.. the only thing I enjoy are these hallucinations that make the world.. new again
it's like I'm 5 all over again.. world's all sparkly, people look now, and I'm horribly
emotional at this point.. people seem human for a change...
then again, everyone seems human after 3am.. you see the deprived side of humanity at 3am
you see the crack heads looking at aquarium gravel with drool running down the chin
you see waitresses trying to support that meth habit between you grand slam and coffee refill
You see the cops shooting at bystanders, just because the bad guy knows to move out of the way.
people strapped to an xbox, huddled over a 2 liter of jolt cola and hoping.. just hoping they will
meet a girl/guy on there.. so for once.. they can share everything.

I wish I could share everything.. I can share my soul, my time.. but, I guess since i was a kid, I was never good at sharing my stuff..
It's mine... but now.. now I don’t care.. just take it..

I'm lethargic, by the way.. I only leave the house when I have to.. I don’t see a point
in dealing with people anymore that I don’t have to.. I mean hell.. If you had a choice about drama, you'd pass, right?
Sure you would!

Drama doesn’t make the world go around...
and yet..
somehow.. somewhere....life goes on..


Well.. enough of the ramblings of a sleep depraved madman.. for now.. I have to dookie and make some breakfast..
maybe masturbate into sleepy slumber, since orgasms have my number
send me off in peace..
since when she left, my booty raids had to cease.

fuck man.. I wish I could sleep..
just drift away and dream of Rene
blonde hair, blue eyes, like Hitler’s hidden surprise..
for if she was his envisionment of a perfect soul

I am currently Tired
I am listening to Who's line is it anyways.

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Who am I?
04/26/2004 04:13 a.m.
Ahh.. The self loathing kicks in...

Who am I? What am I to you?
anything? Anything at all?
am I just words passed upon a page
and I the one past my age?
I thought I'd be someone, a long time ago
but now.. fuck man.. now I just don't know..

I'd swallow down a bottle of pills to kill this pain
but now, now I just think thoguhts like that are insane..

I'd drown my sorrows in a bottle of rum...
but then I'd just forget about where I'm from...

Retarded cartoons and legacy's lost in forgotten fables
but now I've found the cost, passed out under too many tables..

I slept once, I slept deep and pure..
and now, I wake, with this feeling so unsure...

I feel like I'm a trainwreck, waiting to explode
and as I wait, I feel my inside corrode..
I wisheed for happiness, only to find hell in return
so now, in this life, I guess I'm forced to burn..

I'd give it all up.. just for that second of true bliss..
and its all the other stuff in my life.. that'd I'd never miss.


Will someone or something just finish this chapter
so I wont have to live a life of regret without her?

I just want something that I can call my own..
my sanctuary, my love...My home.

Is it worth all that? To forget and forgive?
Is it too much to ask, to be the life you live?

To find happiness at the bottom of the barrel
while your life is in utter perril?

To forget who you are, on some lost desert road
when back in your old life, you were ready to explode.

Someone.. just finish me off, it's been long overdue..
and now, since I don't have the ball, I leave this up to you.

I am currently Bleh

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Long time, No write...
04/24/2004 10:09 p.m.
Well I've been pretty busy with life and all.. really hasn't left me with much time to write and all...

Feel like I just don't want to work on poetry at the moment..

I have all these t-shirt designs to make, a website to build, a grandfather to take care of and a girlfriend and friends who wanna hang out...

I wish I could just become famous and have a nice bank account... so then I wouldnt have to keep starving with Smack ramen and sandwiches..

I guess that's the way life goes... be an artist.. and starve like an artist.


I am currently Tired
I am listening to the fan and it's never ending breeze

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Update...
03/15/2004 08:25 a.m.
Well I got up the gumption in a midnight spark and posted a bunch of stuff I'd had lying around.. I tossed up a couple new dreams and even started a little section of stories/uban legends...I figure there'd be some good ones in there to share so might as well..

I proabbly wont really be posting anything for a little while since I have alot of other stuff to work on at the moment.. but I'll keep you all posted..

Oh.. and I brought back the user favorites..I had someone mention that it would make it easier to wander about in some of the better works.. so I just lumped those all together, since it's really about the title.. lol..

Needless to say, the season change is kicking my ass.. I went to bed today at like two oclock..I havent been able to breathe either.. ugh. The pollen is already stomping my ass.. I can only wait in anticipation for the real assault comming in a couple of weeks. :: Whew ::

Catch yah on the flipside.


I am currently Good
I am listening to Freebird(outtake version) -Lynyrd

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Hence..another Journal entry..
03/14/2004 02:11 p.m.
Well.. I’d been writing some stuff.. mainly dreams and stories.. but nothing that I'm sure would sit too well with the general population of pathetic.. but hell.. I'll post um anyways... who else would read it?

Hmmm.. How to describe it.. Hmmmm...

Well.. I'm in love.. I know, I know.. you hear this all the time from me.. but I feel like I'm on a different planet when I stare into her eyes... I feel like I'm a better person than this piece of shit that I've come to the conclusion, I am....

or at least she makes me want something more...

and it scares the shit outta me.. like I'm on the verge of a great adventure.. or disaster.. but hell..I could always use another tragedy in my life.. spice things up, yah know?

Sleep deprived once again.. a cup of coffee is the straw that broke the camels back and brought me in here to rant.

I dunno anymore.. I feel like this isn't me in here, like it's some quirky off shoot of my personality.. all spiced up and glorified, just because I know someone might read it.. but hell.. I'm not pulling the punches at this point..

I'm too tired to give a fuck.

I watched FLCL again... I love that show... for three hours of Anime, it sure kicks mucho ass.. I wish I could produce something as artistic...

Speaking of producing.. I'm about halfway started on my own t-shirt company... kind of along the lines of Rottoncotton.com and Tshirthell.com... a more humorous type shirt company.. I've come up with tons of material.. I've been trying to figure out how to really use Photoshop, but it's hard to know whatcha wanna do.. I wish I had some help in that dept.. I tried asking a few people.. but nothings panned out... hence why I'm still working on it... I'm just worried I'm going to fail.. like I do so well in the rest of my life.. even though this is something I've wanted to do for a long time..

it kind of sucks though.. even if I did get things going well.. I'd only make like a buck or two on a shirt... so I'd have to sell thousands to be able to make any kind of decent cash...I know it's a shot in the dark and all.. so fuck it.. might as well try and see where it leads, right?

Hmmm.. what else..

I feel poetic.. like I could write tonight/this morning.. but I don’t feel like I have the proper subject matter/frame of mind... but I ramble so well.. when my minds all jittery.. skittish from the coffee.. spun from the thc.. skipped over from my blood sugar level.

I feel angry.. angst ridden.. like I want to destroy the world... but wouldn’t have the balls...

I wish I could... just wipe the slate clean.. make this planet the wonderful place it was without our invasion of pollution and steel towers... just another field.. just another river... not this cosmos of glass and steel rooted into the planet like a weed....

and it's roots run deep.


Rebellion has always peaked my interest.. this overturning of the powers that be... this hunt for the freedom we so desire.. and trying.. with a life.. to risk it all for freedom.. or whatever god told you to do...

Sometimes I feel like I'm Jesus during the missing years..
Like these have been my trials.. these have been my struggles with myself... and now I'm just starting to emerge...

I want a motorcycle.. ride the desert with the sun rising.. hauling ass down blacktops to a path of inner discovery... finding something of myself along that road..

I haven’t found it here.. and this place bugs the shit outta me like that... I look around and I know everyone.. everything.. and everything knows me... and after a while.. it gets old.. I'd like some adventure.. I'd take a heaping helping of abstract thought for a change.. instead of this lockdown nightmare called existence.


I wish I knew what I was meant to do... I dream these gory nightmares about the world ending, and demons and tornado's.. storms raging the coast and wiping out whole towns.. and yet.. I have dreams about children on swings and monkeys in the trees....what does this all mean? dreams to tell me the tragic for the terrific? Jobless for the junkman? Jack of all trades, traded in for a jack and spare tire? I don’t know. I'm too lost these days with my gramps still gone and the world flipped on it's ear on a constant basis.. one day he's walking, the next he can't talk again.. not like he can talk well to begin with...

f'n breaks my heart.

So lets just agree I have allot on my mind... and I don’t know what all to spout out here to help it all.. make me feel better...

I've been pretty suicidal lately.. been thinking about it allot.. like is this the best it gets? Is this the calm before the storm? I know it is... and knowing me.. I still wouldn’t have the balls to hurt myself.. but I do wonder... what death would be like.. to escape this path that I've walked for so long.. to be able to be graced with the presence of angels and devils.. souls intertwined in the great scheme of things.. this world seems so lifeless compared to the afterlife..

and besides.. the audience would be allot better. =)
You can keep the harp, I'll stick with the bass..

I had a dream once I went to have my soul judged.. and it told me I wasn’t ready to be judged at that time..

I hope masturbation isn’t really a sin.. or else, I’ll see you all in hell..

and then I dreamt I was breathing water... jerked and then herd the slam of steel on steel.. and woke up... cold and sweaty.. like I'd ran a marathon in the dead of winter..

I don’t dream of leaving my body much anymore.. mainly just dreams about storms and the oceans... but I think that has allot to do with the fact that the Air force base is always flying these thunderous jets over my house... I'm surprised it doesn’t wake me up... instead.. it just gives me dreams about nuclear bombs..

I love my dreams... I could watch a planet on fire.. and live.. see it as if I was there.. burning...and then poof! Safe and sound in my warm bed.. sunlight creeping through my window. Ahhhh.. I love these different realities we are blessed with.. these little bubbles of life.. that we tend to forget by lunchtime.. these romances in the middle of the night that leave stains on your sheets and lust in your heart.. these midnight excursions to distant lands and blood soaked hands..

Ahh.. what a wonderful time to be a dreamer.. even if sometimes they happen to be nightmares.

I am currently Wired

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This is just all messed up...
02/22/2004 11:23 p.m.
I think I've had an epiphany.. I used to love to write in here.. used to love to ramble on about my problems and such.. but you know what? Writing about it all.. didn’t really help the situation.. it never does..
And considering the situation I feel like I’m in right now.. I don’t feel much like writing.. I don’t feel much like creating.. I just feel like. I’m looking at the world from the bottom of a well.. (to quote M.Doughty)..and no matter how much I ramble on about it in here.. I don’t feel like it would make a matter of difference… to be honest.. I feel really detached from the world.. like strange.. like this electric feeling on the back of my neck when I get in a open space.. and everything I do in the outside world, seems like a dream.. its crazy.. maybe I’m just stir crazy.. I don’t know.. I so want freedom.. but I’m nailed to a cross of my own stupidity once again.. just when I think I’m going to get ahead for once.. the easy way.. nope.. I fucked off and should have saved and scrimped.. so I’m almost in the same boat I was in when I started the fucken job at channello’s… fuck. So needless to say, I’m pretty emotional of late.. I feel all pent up.. like I have a million things to do and not enough time.. so now it’s just a fuck you very much kinda fate I resign myself to in these situations.. I need to do something.. something drastic.. like a job change.. I need to live… why do we hold ourselves back with this inner fear of failure? Like I have anything to worry about…

What the fuck… I guess this is really why I haven’t felt like writing.. I feel all angst ridden.. like I want to kick someone’s ass, but I don’t know who.. (it’s really me)… and now I just wonder what the hell my problem is of late.. I just bounce from a job when I get stressed.. I mean I don’t mind a good job where I’m making money.. but hella stress for 7 bucks an hour just isn’t worth it.. especially when I’m dishing out sales in the thousands..

Sheesh.. what a fucken’ life we’ve created in this American environment.. we have no culture, no background other than murder.. so now we just tax you for the blood of the Indians, and the dmv steals your blacktop soul.. so your stranded with the greyhound.. and not the dog, at least that would be company…

Naw.. it’s just my fault.. my stupidity.. my constant wrong choices that just show me what kind of person I am… and honestly.. I don’t think I like me much anymore. I don’t like many people these days.. but I guess that’s just a reflection of my view on myself.. but whatever.. like you need to hear about this…

Well.. I’m taking a break from writing.. I don’t think I’m up to pouring my heart out to people at this point… Sorry.

Oh.. and if you get a chance.. get the song Feeling good by Nina Simone... Great song.. and alot of her jazz stuff is awesome too..

I am currently Detached
I am listening to Hypocrits - Bob Marley

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