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The Journal of Aaron Howard

How to write...
05/26/2005 10:20 a.m.
I used to think I could spend all my time pouring words on page.. but I dunno.. I need inspiration. I dont need depression. I dont need more drugs.. I dont need sleep.. well.. yeah, sleep is nice.. but when I dont sleep.. I come up with edgy brilliant work..(to me anyways...)

My world seems so sour to me now.. bitter tasting.. like drinking bleach. Day after day.. going no where.
Wishing I knew the right answer..but I feel so out of place. Like I belong someplace else.. Like Im not made for this world.
Stress just boggs me down.. and my only release is sleep and occasional company. Occasional because.. that's all I allow.
I feel so drained of life latly.. all I've been dealing with is pain latly.. not like Im not used to it.. but it just feels like it's sapped the happy out of me.. not to mention turning 30 on the 28th...
Man.. dreading the big 30.. I promised myself I'd do something with my life at this point.. or just join the navy.. looking like I should just go sign up at this point.. my life's just been wasting away in this shithole I call a life..
No adventure.. no inspiration.. just this overbearing depression that plauges my dreams.. my thoughts..

I feel like IM living a daily version of Deja Vu.. just watching someone I love waste away all over again.. and it's just killing me. the thought of being alone without family just slays me inside.. the thought that soon.. sooner than I could want.. another person I love will be gone.

I went and saw star wars.. and one thing that really stood out to me was the yoda speech he gives vader about celebrate the conversion to the 'force' or, death. How we're to celebrate someone and not be so attached that it destroys your life.
True words, I guess.. but in the same sense, it's so hard to let go of yesterday.. people you love come and go in your life..You miss them, but nothing can change the face of time.
Love them while you have them. They will be gone tomorrow.
I am currently Better
I am listening to Tomorrow's Song - Phish

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