summer
06/18/2008 06:13 p.m.
i love it when i get up early enough
or have enough time
to shower in the morning instead of at night.
my hair is still sort of damp, cool, even now at 2:11 PM

i'm wearing my grandmother's jade, and i feel connected
there are birds singing outside and the sky is that shade of blue
that is almost but not quite unbelievable.

before we moved here i didn't think the skies could actually look like that
and that artists
were just making it up
were just out-doing themselves. but they were telling the truth all along

speaking of truth, have you ever read
the things they carried, by tim o'brien?

interesting to think of that book today. he is an amazing writer. changed the way
i think about writing and story-telling


(exhales)
now.
i have to go take a drug and/or breath alcohol screening test thing. lovely.
maybe i'll stop at the farmer's market on the way home.

thank you for tuning in to my fabulous and exciting life
I am currently Calm

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school
03/03/2008 09:39 p.m.

sucks.

i am feeling unmotivated and listening to the sort-of silence

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lack of confidence
02/20/2008 01:45 a.m.
is the reason why


i spend so much time
trying to fit my entire room into
a suitcase. i
don't know what i'll need, or when
i'll need it, i just know that i'm not confident enough to venture
out
unprepared.

also: i'm a compulsive listmaker
and packing is more interesting when
it's a debate inside my head,
what is worth being put
explicitly on
The List, and what can be just thrown in or left behind?
(mark you, i don't have many of the latter)

everything is necessary. i have thousands of niches for
items
that seem.. . without use.

i have six pillows. and the cat sleeps in the middle of my bed. my light is
adjusted so
i can wake up at 2 AM and crack a journal or favorite book within 30 seconds.
my glue is at my fingertips,
colored pencils and permanent markers in their assumed places.

i can't stand to leave this behind.
i feel restless with and without my room. my alcove.
argh. i feel so abnormal and obsessive.

I am currently Restless
I am listening to last song. matt pond pa

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coughing
02/17/2008 12:50 a.m.
my chest hurts. from coughing.
i can't cough like a normal person - normal little coughs, clearing the throat, -
no i cough like
my lungs somehow need to jump out of my body, need to be pushed hacked pulled out. and it hurts really bad.
and coughdrops don't help
and my bronchi are probably all red and sore
and
and
and...

i am going to be sick in a few days i just know i just know
and then i won't have to go to school
and i can hang around the house
and worry about what i'm missing at school
and watch tv
and stay in bed
and then feel bad for watching so much tv and being a slob
and eventually

it will be the next day and i will be back at school and
convincing myself i should have been there the day before
because it sucks missing all that time
especially in my adobe class
and physics, since we had a test
and finite math, since we are going to have a Huge test
and being there for my friends who are emotionally unstable
and giving free hugs to people i don't really like.

and then, when the week is almost over
(ie Thursday)
i will pack up my stuff
and my new swimsuit which i feel horribly fat in
and go to Florida
where it is sunny and rainy and warm and no obligations
except to the friend that will also be in florida and wants to hang out even though we don't ever hang out when we're Not on vacation.
and then i won't be sick

i'll just wish i was.

i am feeling unenergetically restless/spastic
I am listening to nothing

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waiting./midterms
01/22/2008 08:39 p.m.
unsuccessful day of studying
i retained no old knowledge
and regained no new thoughts.
sleeping the sleep of dreams
and thrown pillows, tonight,
reminded throughout of the
morning to come, will i ever be.
but the thought of you
instead to take my breath,
sleep silently in dreamless bed,
would i ever welcome.
who are you, anyways?..

i guess i'm stuck on the idea
of meeting someone to sweep me off my feet and
carry me to a place where there is no need to dream, we we become
"such stuff as dreams are made of"
flung to the high corners of neither here nor there, but
without care or reason
flown to such a place

and if only to be with whoever this person is, i'm waiting..

waiting sucks.
i distract myself. i should be studying.
my sister is home. i should go.
just a thought.
I am listening to pollen and salt by daphne loves derby

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switching out
04/23/2007 07:13 p.m.
the old hot stuffy winter clothes and dragging up to my room the summer clothes that don't fit the way they did last summer but are better than nothing...
it is so ridiculously hot/nice out today...
we rowed today at 7 a.m.... the water was amazing. did i mention i'm on a crew team?
well it has been pretty intense..
and i'm not a morning person, but i could be if i was willing to put in the effort to listen to my alarm clock.. everyone else in my family listens to theirs, but i slam the snooze button and wonder every morning that i'm late and have 5 minutes to get dressed/eat breakfast/etc - why do alarmclockinventors hate to let people get up when they should? -
what in the world are we all doing and does anyone realize there's something more to live for?
as for me and my house...

well. tangents are fun like that. i think i'll go back to downloading music from a cd that i stole from my friend. actually i don't really know if we're friends since we don't really talk and he doesn't actaully know that i took his cd but he left it at the church and i'll give it back eventually. he has good music..

I am currently Peachy
I am listening to .. um. well i have to google it but it's tres interesante

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because it seems i only write when i'm depressed
02/11/2007 02:45 a.m.
i definately am not always having a bad day..

i'm just mood-swing -ish.. anyways

so the other day in my american literature class we were having a really intense discussion about stephen crane's "the open boat." which is, by the way, a really dense piece of literature.
anyhow.. someone brought up a part of the story that resembled "the perfect storm," and we were talking about the suspense that was building up..

me: oh! kind of like the really intense music in those scenes! i always mute it when i get too scared..
the class: (intense laughter)

so yeah.. i have too many outbursts like that. but i actually like that class. it's probably the best english class i've had. i love being able to Talk about stories, writing styles.. etc with people who actually care too.
you know what i mean?

so in case you haven't noticed, the word of the day appears to be: intense

btw...
have you heard about the fire at the circus? it was intense
camping is intense..

haha get it?
wow that was incredibly mature.
anyways. have wonderful weekend
I am listening to (air1) - - "everything you ever wanted," - hawk nelson

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new years day whoopdeedoo..
01/01/2007 07:28 p.m.
.. so that's all really fun. and i'm just hanging around
you know
avoiding homework. the usual
exciting stuff. i want to play monopoly.. or some cheesy boardgame. not to say that monopoly is cheesy. it's really intense. but i want to do something
exciting
you know?
we went sledding yesterday.
but now it's rained and the snow is slowing dying. our winter wonderland is being pulverizedd even as i sit and type.
somebody should DO something!! -- this looks like a job for ----- ???
lol nevermind that last tangent.
i'm pretty sure i'm just tired from staying up last night and these are the results..
octopus. isnt' that a fun word to say>>? and predispostioned.
awesome
i like words with many syllables. even syllables is fun to say. even if it's a pain to type.
ben and jerry are my homeboys.
seriously. if you've never tried vermonty python, you need to go and and buy some today. it's the best. there are CHOCOLATE COWS in it !! i know! amazing
"coffee liqueur ice cream with a chocolate cookie crumb swirl and fudge cows"

i really hope you know what i'm talking about
sort of
but have the time I don't even know what i'm talking about, so it's understandable if you're not really getting this

i guess i just like to talk
and have people's attention
i like to leave long messages on people's answering machines. becuase then i can just assume they listen to everything i have to say. without interruptions.
have you noticed how much people interrupt other people these days?
having a conversation is a kind of battle for the other person's understanding of you. in a way..
it's sad that conversation has deteriorated so much. or maybe it's just the kind of people that i hang out with
but aren't we all just fighting for attention? don't we all want to be hear?
in a way yes. i'm partially undecided...lol
but you know, a lot of people just delete the message before they hear the whole thing.. 2 minutes of the day is worth too much to waste it on listening to someone monologue.
i like to monologue...
even if it's only to myself..
of course i don't talk to myself.. only weird people do that.
well
i guess i'm weird then.
only occasionaly.
can you be ocasionally weird?? hmmm.. i guess that's like being partially undecided.

well..

my attention span is short lived, so i'll be going now
have a nice day
and yes - happy new year to you.
I am currently Scattered

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substitute teachers
12/18/2006 03:56 p.m.
well. that's a total lie right there. they can't replace the teacher you had the day before. not really... they just sort of sit there. and look like they're busy (but i will venture to guess that they spend a lot of time emailing and shuffling papers and writing 'important' things down... or looking severe. )
i've had two substitute teachers today. so far. which gives me a fair excuse to ignore the to-do list on the board and write in this e-journal or whatever it is. don't you think?
perfect strangers we are... but i like to write. however confusing it comes out to be. i like to write and not explain myself.
explaining takes too long
i type faster than i write
mostly...
i write really fast at night. my handwriting changes all the time. sometimes it looks like my mom's. sometimes it looks like my dad's.
mostly it looks like mine, scrawly. my sister says it's hard to read at first glance. but it's clear enough i think.

i was sick last week. stayed home 1 1/2 days
fun
missed swim practice and the whole bit

and slept.. usually i don't sleep when i stay home sick. i watch lord of the rings the extended edition. then i watch all the extras. it takes about 8 hours + per film... i love the lord of the rings.
what's your favorite character in it? hmm i have no idea.
i haven't watched it recently...

i did go to see a movie yesterday. the nativity story. everyone should see it. i thought it was really good... it made the story seem so much more really. mary's struggle. joseph's courage. etc etc.. it was really inspiring i think
and i liked that it wasn't all happy like in the storys they tell in sunday school. like justin said "the donkey wasn't smiling."
i love that idea. that it was real. that it really happened. that it wasn't all fun and cookies, but it took real effort to get to bethlehem and people were willing to make those sacrifices because god asked them to.
wow.

why don't people have that kind of obedience and faith today? i wish i had mary's faith..

well that was pretty deep. especially the donkey part... justin is awesome

i'm getting really distracted now. can't think in a straight line. but who does anyways? i'm supposed to be writing an analytical paper on the short story, "sweat," by zora neale hurston (what an awesome name!)
i don't like to analyze things. it is what it is. and if i make all kinds of assumptions and try to prove them, it changes the meaning. the meaning will be different for everybody, becuase everyone is different.. you know?
which is just another excuse to not write an analytical paper.

i feel. i don't know. tired i guess... i haven't done all my christmas shopping. i saved a major project that's due tomorrow for today. and the stress is kind of catching up to me.
i feel obligated to get people presents that have gotten presents for me, you know?

new expression to replace wow or interesting... "cool beans"
mostly i say it to bug my sister.
I am listening to people talking. who are supposed to be working. and typing.. etc

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a scientific analysis of my recent thoughts on life. or not.
11/20/2006 10:28 p.m.
"in science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. but in poetry, it's the exact opposite."
- Paul Dirac

so yes.. i definately agree with this guy. but i thought it was a bit odd that i like to write poetry and my favorite subject at the moment is chemistry.
i don't know why, but i find it oddly satisfying to balance chemical equations, to convert from one set of units to another.
just as it is satisfying to "finish" a poem. to post it and get comments for it...
i don't know. i just thought that was interesting
"exact opposite." i love the way that sounds
the number of the day is 25000
the phrase of the day is: hakuna matata
i love the lion king. pumba and timon are the best. i like to watch disney movies when i'm sick. or whenever i feel like it. disney movies are right up there with timon and pumba..
to each his own. i guess... i like the way that phrase sounds too...
it was really cold today. i wanted to go ice skating! ice skating is so awesome. you have no idea. or maybe you do... whatever
my cat shed all over my bed. it's all fuzzy and black cat hairs everywhere you sit. but i <3 my cat anyways. she's basically amazing.
i like to make collages.
and watch movies.
and read the comic strips in the newspaper. although i don't read much else in there... what else is there to read? lol..
magnolia is an awesome word.
my swim team is practicing from 8.30 to 9.30 tonight. not a good thing. way too late. no me gusta.
i'm feeling: bored and tired and bothered and figety and nervous (but i don't really know why) and tired and antzy and i already said tired didn't i?

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