betrayal
06/26/2005 05:15 p.m.
last night i was surrounded by all my old school friends but i have never felt so fucking lonely in my entire life. i was up at a club with my friedn andy and i saw them all there. its the first time ive seen them in ages but they have all kept in contact with each other. you cant help but wonder in situations like that "whats wrong with me? why does no one stil want to be friends with me?"
i tried to stay in touch a few times, sent them messages, tried to talk to them if i saw them out but its obvious we dont have a connection anymore, obvious they dont want to know.
the reason its so hard for me to accept is cos we all were so close, i never ever felt like an outsider, they were my best friends in the world. ive hung out in other groups of friends and got on well with them but they al had their in jokes and all went way back and though i got on with them, i knew i wasnt really part of their group. but these girls were my best friends all through senior school.
i know its kinda my fault tho. when i got sick and the doctors put me on medication it totally changed me. i used to be really sociable and fun loving but those pills just zapped me. i completely blame inadeqate research into the side effects those kinda drugs can have on young people and they totally took away my entire personality. now no one wants to know.
i suppose they started drifting away when i was in hospital for ages and had to repeat a year of school. they all went to uni and i got left behind. i guess i kinda questioned how they could all cut me out so easily, it kinda made me wonder if they ever really cared in the firsdt place but i just dont beleive that.
when i meet them theyre civil, well aprt from one of them last night. i hugged her but she yelled in my ear dont touch me and walked off, like she thinks mental illness is contagious or something! but she has actully visited me in hospital in the past so that cant be it.
i wish i could just accept that these people arent my friends anymore and move on. i have tried but i just dont feel the connection i had with them with anyone else. tho i dont have that connection with them anymore either so i suppose ive lost the ability to connect with other people. i see groups of friends having a laugh together all the time and im so fucking jealous. i wish i could be happy. even at the height of my fucked up teenage psychosis i was happier than i am now. at least i had friends then.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to blood donors calling me

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LEEDS!!!!!!
04/10/2005 07:30 p.m.
i got my leeds ticket the other day! im so excited. it was like magic last year, the atmosphere, the music, the people, its paradise! gonna see a few bands ive already seen but they kicked so much ass im gonna see them again. the Pixies are an entity onto themselves, brilliant live band, the Foos and Queens of the Stone Age Drop Kick Murphys and Funeral for a Friend also rocked pretty damn hard, cant belive im getting to see them all again! and few bands i havent sene before like the Killers, Futureheads, Bloc Party, Incubus, NOFX, Maiden and Jimmy Eat World!!
least theres none of this branching out crap like last year where 50 cent headlined. had to endure him cos he was playing in between Placebo and Green Day, was not impressed! if youre gonan pay £130 odd for a rock festival ticket then you expect to see rock not whatever the hell he plays. plus festivals are all about spreading the love, chilling out, making friends, not boasting about how hard you are and how many peopole youve shot and actually have gunshots as part of your bloody stage show while promoting the use of fire arms!
ok, ranted a bit there but im going to leeds!! cant wait!oh the excitment! i strongly reccommend everyone gets to some kinda festival this year, if youve never bene to one, it will change your life!
I am currently Excited
I am listening to NOFX - Punk in Drublic

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lonely
05/25/2004 04:28 p.m.
i miss him. its taken time for me to realise just how much. breaking up with him was the single most self destructive thing ive ever done, including all my cuts and scars and over doses. now im dead inside. usually when im upset or confused i write, and i feel better, but its only recently ive even been able to begin to process what ive done. i know he was hurt at the time, but i foolishly beleived it was for the best and i moved on quickly, much too quickly. now hes moved on but im only beginning to feel the enormous weight on my heart. i guess this is what they call poetic justice.


I am currently Nostalgic
I am listening to "painted onmy heart" -The Cult

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one year
01/10/2002 02:56 p.m.
tomorrow is mine and paddy's one year anniversary. i cant belive we've been together a year already. it doesnt seem like it was that long ago we first started going out but looking back over the year, we've been through a lot.

this year hasnt been easy for me and without the continued unconditional love, support, help and friendship of my wonderful boyfriend i dont think i would have managed to make it through. no matter what, he was always there for me to love me. sometimes id have a really bad day and just want to break down and cry, and sometimes i did and he held me and listened to me and comforted me.

most of the time though, if i felt really awful, all he had to do was put his arms around me and hed take all the troubles away. sometimes it seemed to me(ok cheesiest thing ive ever written) that those arms were like a magic sponge that could just soak up everything bad. every time i lay in his arms i felt sfe, secure, warm and loved. i cant count the number of times ive layed in those arms and nothing else matters adn it all just melted away and its like were the only two people in the world.

with most couples. especially couples our age, the intital attraction kind of dies after the first few months. theres no passion and the excitement just leaves the relationship. it was never like that for me. im even more attracted to him now than when we first met. i still get excited every time i go out to meet him and my heart still skips a beat when i catch my firsty glimpse of him. a smile still spreads across my lips when he signs onto msn and my spirits soar when i get a message from him.

as well as my boyfriend, hes also my best friend. theres no one id rather talk to than him, no one id rather spend time with, no one id rather be with, now and forever. i love everything abuot him. i love the way he can put his rams around me and make everything ok, i love the calming influence he has on me, i love how he listens to me and reassures me, i love how he warms me up when im cold, i love how sweet he is, i love how tolerant he is, i love how good tempered he is, i love how peacful he is, i love how loving he is, i love the way he makes me laugh, i love the dimples that dance in and out when he smiles, i love the way i could drown in his beautiful eyes, i love the way his hair curls at the back......i love him.

i have so many happy memories of the past year, though its been hard because of other things, the fact it was spent with paddy makes it the best year. i hope i can spend every year of the rest of my life by his side.

thank you for everything you've done for me paddy. there are no words big enough to thank you enough. you've given me things i didnt know existed and made me feel better than i thought i ever could. i never want to leave you. stay with me forever.
I am currently Lovesick

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people leaving
12/11/2001 03:32 p.m.
so dave was the first oen to go. he doesn thang round with us anymore. he has his own group of friedns. sometiems he coems to hang out for a while, very rarely.
the next one to leave was shorty. he seemd quiet but i spent a lot of tiem with him and he even ate my cooking which shows a certain degree of devotion! he joined a band and then began spedning less and less tiem with us till evetually he juist stoped hanging with us altogether. i miss him. we got on really well. he taugh me a few things on guitar and we always had a good tiem together.

then there was a big issue with johnny nd jen. i met johnny first. hes philys brother. i talked to him online and then i met him on the island oen day during the summer. he was hysterically funny and he cracked me up. i got on really well with him. then met his girlfriend jen and hse was really sweet. i liked her a lot.

then things got complicated. johnny and jen had bene goin out for a long tiem and had decided to get narried but johhny didnt wnat to be tied down so early. he wnated to expereince other girls b4 he setteld down. he suggeste dhe and jen take a brak for a while. paddy and soem of the other people in the group thought he was comin onto me , adn if im honest, he was. i never encouraged him and he knew how much i love paddy. the others tought he was being sleazy, which eventaully led to abig fall out, afterwhich he decided to leave the group adn not coem back.

he got back with jen but then she had a big fight becasue she had controversial views on things in the group. she tought there as too mcuh underdage drinking , as the younger oens were only 14 and we shouldnt be supplying them with alcohal. this caused a major debate, ending in dani leaving a mesage on our mailing list that jen was a bitch and no one liked her. this wnast true, dani was on double zero as i recall when he posted that. anywya johnny and jen never came back.

chris was another oen who had me in hysterics every tiem i saw him. he only had t oen his mouth and id be reduced to fits of giggles immedialy. he was from ards adn suddenly decide dhe couldnt be botherd coming down to bangor every day or every week and he just stoped coming. this meant ian didnt coe anymore cos he came upwith chris. ian left before anyoen really got the chance to get to know him.
phiiy cant coem down very oftenb anymore either.
gradually the group just got smaller and smaller. poele whod been so close now hardly saw each other. i nevr fell out with any of them i and imissed them lot. i still do.

then between the ones who styaed more problems arose. even tho non eof then directly invloved me , i think i was more cut up than anyoen else about it.

it took a very dangerous and extreme experin ce for me to reliase how precous every moent of lif is and how precioes every single person is
I am currently Affectionate

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dave continued
12/11/2001 03:17 p.m.
dave didnt talk to me for monthd. he said i knew the reason but i had no idea. i was really upset about it. wed been through so much together. he saved my life and if it wasnt for him i would without a doubt be long gone. that night he got me to hospital just in time. i stuck by him tho it wasnt easy espicially after he stoped talking to kirsty cos then i had to make tiem for him, dani adn kirsty separatly. i treid to give him advise and cheer him up. i spent time with him, i even gave him my favourite shirt when his got ruined. i didnt understand why he woudl wnat to throw away sucha beautiful deep friendship out of the blue. i cried over him every night.

then suddenly he began speaking to me again. and thats the way it is now. were friends again but we lost that strong bond we used to have. im so glad to have him back as part of my life. i just wish we hadnt lost those few months.
I am currently Quiet

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dave
12/11/2001 12:20 p.m.
the summer signified the unity of the group adn how together we all were and how close we felt. but one by one the group began to drift apart. and the saddest thing ive ever experienced is when someone you know becoems someone you knew.
the first one to leave was dave. he was the oen i was closest to. even before i went into hospital, hed been like a brother to me. id talk to him online for hours and the night before i went to paris i didnt go to bed cos id have to get u too early and i stayed on the net all night and he stayed up to and spoek to me till i had to leave and ctacht he plane. he was the first person i ever showed my poetry to. he was so understanding and encouraging. he told me my work was good. he showed me his for the first time as well. i felt liek i coudl tell him anything. a few times i sneaked out of bed and met him down the road and walekd inot bangor and wtached the sunrise. the first tiem i was freezing and he took off his favourite smashing pumpkins hoodie and gave i to me. he knew i was hungry too and he went to an all night garage and bought me a sandwhich.

then in the hospitl ann afterwds he became even closer to me. and i know most boy/girl friendships get messed up by romance but that was never an issue for me and dave. we were so so close and there never any threat of romantic feelings from either one of us.

then he started getting problems of his own. he was in love with kirsty, who going out with dani. he didnt think dani treated kirtys well enough. dabe resented him for that and ani resensted dave because dave resented him. dave would ask me adn paddy and kirty to hang out with him and not the rest of the group. and i did it cos i loved dave like a twin brother.

but i didnt want to abandon dani. he got anoyed when we would go off with dve adn not him espicailly when kirsty went too. i refused to take sides. i love all 3 of those guys with all my heart and it tore me apart to see them at each others throats, or worse still, cut out of each others lives. when dave spoek about dani i always stuck up for him and i did the same for dave when dani spoke about him. i rmmebr one tome dave, kirsty, paddy and a few other guys wer eon the beach and kirsty and dani had just had a fight and she was talking abuot whata bastard he was and everyoen esle there hated him too and we agreeing with her. i tried to get then to stop cos i love dani and i didnt think it was right thata nyoen art from him and kirsty should be discussing it. basically i was told if i wasnt wit thm i was against them. that really hurt. why should i have to take sides against my best friends?

then it got worse. kirsty 2 timed dani with dave. dani had asked me was anythign oin on but it really wasnt my place to say. dani had becoe very close to me and i knew he cared auot kirstya dn what she as doin was hurting him but i coudltn say cos i love kirsty adn i knew that at that moment she was hapier with dave than she was with dani adn i knew that dave genuinely cared for kirsty and he was happy now he was with her.

kirsty stayed with dani but continued to 2 tiem him with dave. dave refused to ave any contact with dani and vice versa. the 3 of then didnt know what to do. on msn at night id have all 3 of then asking me what i thought they should do adn all saying nasty stuff about the others. i hated that. i love them all adn the only thing i wanted was for tthem all to go back to being friends.

evenatully kirtsy made up her mind to stay with dani. dave was devastated. after that he wernt totally off the reails. he cut hgimself off rom the group totally, apart from me and paddy. he started drinking heavily, smoking and doin whatever drugs he could get his hands on. he wa a wreck. he stopped eatng and sleeping and then he moved out and was sleeping in a different persons house every night. his mum was worried sick and caleld me all the tiem to see if i knew anything. i treid to convice dave to at least call his mum so shed know he was ok.

the worst tiem came when dave was alking in the town one night with me and padyd and then suddenly began droping all his belongings, hos phone, hishandcuffs, his shirt, everythign to the groud. padyd an di picked them up and tried to calm him down he wouldnt even look at us. he walked to the railway track and jumped over. he said he coudltn go on after what kirsty did to him. paddy and i tried everythign we coudl think of to talk him out of it. i was crying. this whole thing was way too close to home. finally we got him off the track and persuaded him to coem home in paddys car. paddy dropped him off but told me he saw him wlaking down the road when he was driving home.

i stillsa w him the odd time and i spoto him onlien and he called pretty regualrly as wellthen all of us udden he stoped talking to me. he blocked me on msn, he ddnt return my calls, he nerv camto my house. he said he never wnated to speak to me agaion. he never told me why.
I am currently Hurt

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last summer
12/10/2001 03:09 p.m.
last summer was the best summer of my life. its not like i actaully did anything that exciting: i didnt go away on holiday, make a lot of money or anything. but it will always stick out as the best 3 months of my life. last summer i had the closest friends i ever had and ever will have.
it was just the simple pleasure of every day life with those poeple i grew to love so much almost immediatly. we foremd an intense friendship, there were so many of us and it seemd as if there ws a new person to add to the group every day. we were the "frekas" as the rest of society classed us, cast aside and unwnated cos we were different. we all came together and extended a warm welcoem to everyone, all those who were excluded were included.
we claimed the traffic island at the bottom of main street as our own for the summer. we had some of the best moments just sitting on the grass, talking, strumming a guitar and eatng pizza from near by piccolos or pizza hut, a sandwhich from subway or a pauls chip.
we never had to spend a lot of money to have fun. probably one of the things that sticks out most about what we did was our "wedding" claire and paul, the 2 people who really founded the whole group had a kind of unofficial wedding on the traffic island. we all dressed up and claires borther, micheal performd the service. johnny brought his cd player with the wedding march and we all threw confetti and posed for photos at the reception, rory played a song on his guitar for the newly wed couple to have their first dance to.

another occasion was our BBQ. i think were the first group of people to have a BBQ in the middle of a main road. that was a brilliant day, it was the day of the parades and we had a couple of disposable BBQs with sausages and burgers and lots of sweets and coke and icecream. everyone chipped and we all shared the stuff out equally.

we had a waterfight in the fountain across the road to kind of christin ourselves as official slackers.

there was kind of fun fair that came to pickie fun park which is across from our island and the bouncy slide there provided hours of fun for us all.

busking soon became an established way to spend our days. almost all of our 20 strong group had some knowledge of guitar and wed take it in turns to sit outside easons, just up the road from the island and busk till we had enough for icecream or a lolly and then start again. we wrote our own songs sometiems or played old favouries liek good riddance and everybody hurts. all of us have a love for music.

there was always a such a light carefree happy atmosphere, u left your house in the morning for a day in bangor, knowing u we gonna enjoy yourself, not knowing exactly how long ud stay or whod be there, u just went with the flow. and u never had to arrange to meet anyone, u just took it for granted that when u went down the town there'd be a least a couple of people on the island.
at nights we'd get a carry out from the off license and all go down to the pier adn have a really good chilled out night.
there was a such an incredibly close bond between us all, and i think wed have doen anything for each other. as well as all the fun( fun is the best way to describe that summer) there was also the snese that u could talk to everyoen about anything. we all trusted each other and knew we were eager to help the others out whatever they needed help with. i was never lonely and i considerd them all closer than family.

but nothing lasts forever.
I am currently Nastolgic

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friends
12/07/2001 10:29 a.m.
im in school now and im really bored but theres a lot of stuff i think i about that i need to write down.


just before the summer soemthing happend to bring me even closer to my friends. thats when i realised how much i loved them and how much they loved me, what made them differnt from other people: they CARED.
one guy, in particular, dave, was like a twin brother. he brought me to the hospital, held my hand in the ambulance, dried my tears, stayed with me for the blood tests, called my mum and came up to visit me every single day that i was in hospital. and when i got out hed call me and coem round my house until i was well enough to come out again.
another guy, dani, who was the real joker of the group, the loudmouth, the oen with a funny crack about everything no matter what the situation was, showed me another side to his character, one he usually keeps hidden from everyone. his sweet, senstive, caring side. he came up to the hospital with me as wel that night. he came to speak to me while i was waiting to be seen by the doctor, he held my hand, kissed my forehead and told me it would all be alright. his dad didnt approve of him hangin round with me, he thoght i was a worthless druggie, but he still came up to see me and i could see the concern and care in his eyes as he took my hand and just sat on the edge of my bed while the others all joked around to cheer me up. and after when i wrote a song about the experience he was very supportve and appreciative and made me belive in myself.
angie, my best friend since primary school, took the day a couple days off school with another good friend of mine, niamh. they both showed how much they cared. they drew funny pictures to cheer me up, they held me, they spoek to me, they cared about me. they're sweet girls al the time but at that period when i needed them they were nicer to me than anyoen deserves.
the rest of the group came to visit me: kirsty, who is now one of my best friends was the one who i was most worried about the same thing happening to her. she promised shed stop tho when she saw how much it meant to me.
wee rory, the youngest one. i totally broke down when i saw him come into my ward. he shouldnt have to cope with stuff like this. i should be protecting him from people like me. he knew how mcuh i cared for him tho and it helped me to see him and gave me determination to get well again. his cheeky little grin and cute messy hair always makes me smile hes the cheery one, the one who always makes me feel happier.
phily came up as well with a book for me cos she knows how much i love sabrina, and a little cuddly dog for me to sleep with.
peter came to see me with chocolates but id already gone home by that stage.
when i got out, there were emails waiting for me from peole who cared and wanted to help. claire sent me a beautiful e card, which i stil have today telling me she was there if i wanted to talk. paul scott and katie had bought me lovely silver bracelet. everyoe was so supportive.
no one was more so than my wonderful boyfriend, paddy. i didnt want him to know cos i didnt want to worry him but kirsty told him. he took time off school to come and see me every day. he wrote me a letter which i still have and bought me a mousetrap. he held my hand, kissed me, held me and for the first time, told me he loved me.i hated to put him through this cos hed already been through it with his sister, a few weeks before. i hated to see him in the pain id caused him. he was there for me when i got out as well. he bought me a cd i really wanted and stayed in with me when i couldnt go out. he was discreet abot it too, he knew i didnt want a lot of peopel to find out.

this was in april, but i still think about it every day. it was a horrible experince for me but i realised what a truely fantastic group of friends i had been lucky enough to find. theres not oen single person among them all i wouldnt consider my best friend.
i love you all
thank you so much
I am currently Reflective

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