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The Journal of Holly H Dunne

betrayal
06/26/2005 05:15 p.m.
last night i was surrounded by all my old school friends but i have never felt so fucking lonely in my entire life. i was up at a club with my friedn andy and i saw them all there. its the first time ive seen them in ages but they have all kept in contact with each other. you cant help but wonder in situations like that "whats wrong with me? why does no one stil want to be friends with me?"
i tried to stay in touch a few times, sent them messages, tried to talk to them if i saw them out but its obvious we dont have a connection anymore, obvious they dont want to know.
the reason its so hard for me to accept is cos we all were so close, i never ever felt like an outsider, they were my best friends in the world. ive hung out in other groups of friends and got on well with them but they al had their in jokes and all went way back and though i got on with them, i knew i wasnt really part of their group. but these girls were my best friends all through senior school.
i know its kinda my fault tho. when i got sick and the doctors put me on medication it totally changed me. i used to be really sociable and fun loving but those pills just zapped me. i completely blame inadeqate research into the side effects those kinda drugs can have on young people and they totally took away my entire personality. now no one wants to know.
i suppose they started drifting away when i was in hospital for ages and had to repeat a year of school. they all went to uni and i got left behind. i guess i kinda questioned how they could all cut me out so easily, it kinda made me wonder if they ever really cared in the firsdt place but i just dont beleive that.
when i meet them theyre civil, well aprt from one of them last night. i hugged her but she yelled in my ear dont touch me and walked off, like she thinks mental illness is contagious or something! but she has actully visited me in hospital in the past so that cant be it.
i wish i could just accept that these people arent my friends anymore and move on. i have tried but i just dont feel the connection i had with them with anyone else. tho i dont have that connection with them anymore either so i suppose ive lost the ability to connect with other people. i see groups of friends having a laugh together all the time and im so fucking jealous. i wish i could be happy. even at the height of my fucked up teenage psychosis i was happier than i am now. at least i had friends then.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to blood donors calling me

Member Comments on this Entry
Posted by Cole Bradburn on 06/28/05 at 11:16 PM

I went back for a week of the summer when all my "friends" would be home...and I had the same experience - loneliness, and even worthlessness due to the fact they did not seem to value me. It was hard to deal with at first, since we all grew up so close together, but on further inspection I guess I have changed and matured while they never let go of any of their preconceptions. Upon further inspection, they were no longer good people to be around. Anyone who cannot be with you in your hardest times is nothing more than an acquaintance, no matter how it appears. Luckily I have one friend who has been with me through everything, and I'm sure there is someone like that in your life. One great friend is all that is needed, they are always interested in your life. About the medication - it is very hard to help anyone's body from the outside (medicine) in...for the body likes to heal from the inside out. Your body only has a handful of hormones regulating growth/emotion/mood, and if you alter 1 of them slightly with medication, side effects will abound like CRAZY since that one hormone controls so many facets of the body. Your not mental, that difference in you may be a gift...obviously you can write!

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