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The Journal of Angel J McRae

If tomorrow never comes, I would want just one thing
12/01/2006 08:14 a.m.
You know what's funny? I remember dancing in my room back home to this song. Imagining that I was tracing your lips. And that we were floating or something stupid a silly schoolgirl would daydream of..."and it's youuuuu.." I had to replay the song like a million times because it was always so short, and my imagination could carry me away for hours, across oceans, and past all the known stars, and straight into your arms. And then that weird circus sounding recording at the end of the song would snap me back to reality. Where you weren't mine....and I'd rewind to live it again.

How many years and how far I'm not from that same girl....

"Everytime I feel alone, I can blame it on you. And I dooo"
Yeah I've got a sappy playlist on so as to get everything out of my head so I can hold it together for the weekend. Not really sure if it's the stupidest thing for me to be doing, because I know I could make it so much worse by going. I'm trying this numbing out process, and then I stop because I don't want to close it yet. It was so hard to open that part of me back up that just maybe, if I close it now, it will really stay gone. And it was too hard to do it the first time. It was too hard to let go completely and come to the realization that it would never happen again. And then, now after everything, how extremely amazingly painful it's going to be to put it down once more. So just for Michelle Branch's sake: "We both know, that I'm not over you" hahahaha. Numbing, numbing my ears to sappy songs; but I haven't dared so far as to play one song, and I'm worried what happens when I do. And when I do eventually become numb to it too, and then whew...I'm ok??? Numbing more senses, my poor Teddy. What do you cling to for comforte? My nose got a sense and
went Teddy. I sat there all night drifting away and back to it. Stopping the urge to just grap it and suffocate myself in your scent. But then I did. Ughhh.............FUCK THIS!!!!
Anywho, so my VMars is ruined now too, poor V and Logan, lol! I mean I knew that was going to happen, but couldn't it be before or a bit longer after. As corney and sad it is that my favorite show is upsetting me now. You know yesterday was the first time I talked to someone about it. Mack, who is a tad bit more aware and vocal than others, asked. And he made me feel somewhat better. I hadn't told anyone just because I didn't want to have to explain, and especially not Hilary because I don't want to look stupid. After my whole thing at Lazy Moon Pizza last week about yeah I'm done. I would just feel so, well stupid. Like the idoit who walks into the middle of a busy street and doesn't ecpect to get hit. But he does, and down he goes....

I am currently Helpless
I am listening to Michelle Branch "It's You"

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Fake conversations and pretend smiles
11/30/2006 05:32 a.m.
MY (unspoken) rebuttles:
I dunno, I don't want you to know. And you won't want to know either. And yes, I was right. I hate reading it too, but I find myself emersed in it. As if letting it spill into vague words that can be misread will do the tick of releaving it from me. Why would you say something like that? Have you forgotten what just happened? Because I know I haven't, and you saying something like that only pains me more. It wasn't a hmm it was more of an hmph. But what does that matter. AIM gives me the cloak ( reminder I can't spell and don't feel like it) to hide my face, to chose my words carefully, and to hide my tone, my pain. Yeah, I'd prefer oh I wish that too. But I just think thinking it now causes a floodgate to open and short breaths to retrieve control over myself. These days are endless, and I just don't understand why it is that way. Why those amazing days, although forever with yo, are short lived and gone. But even moments of sadness consume, and devour, and turn nights into months, and the moments are frozen. Just as I ask and wish they were on other days, my wish granted too late and I have to regret it now. This is pointless. Done

You know if you don't talk about something for long enough it almost seems like it never happened. Like if a tree falls in the woods and no one's around to hear it, it doesn't really fall. So I keep my lips tight, and say just enough to not get questioned, and laugh at the right cues so as to seem just like any other day. But inside is another story...but it's only mine. It's quite contrary to what I tell others: you need to talk about, it helps, it helps to know that you can confide in someone and have them be there for you, if all they can do for you is give you a shoulder, it helps. Soooooo why can't I do it?! I do, most times, most days I'll have no reserve to let my load off onto another, so as long as it's more anger than sadness. Because I've tried that before, and there is no one that knows how to be there for me. Because other than sad movies they could never imagine me crying. And it seems foreign, and they can't react. And I see this, and know that they can't handle me, so I just breeze past it as if it was nothing, or just pretend it never happened because they'll chose to ignore it before really pressing me for answers. Because it's easier to avoid something as foreign as Jenn breaking down. So it stays here, left on little keys with letters, left ambiguous, left to be forgotten; but it never is.
For tonight this is all I have, my head doesn't form many phrases right now.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to Silence

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Don't let upset Jenn near the computer
11/27/2006 05:54 a.m.
Because it leads to deleting and changing and if I don't stop myself, rambling on and on.

A part of me wishes I wouldn't have opened up again, that part of me that accidently put my ring on wrong and then went oh no. The part of me that's always like I know what's going to happen, and it won't be pretty, and you won't do anything to avoid it, just help it along the way. But that part is silenced now. No "nanananabooboo", just silence. But it hit me like a truck, unexpectedly and flipping me into oblivion. But that same part of me wished you'd stayed. And I hate that part.

I can't do this again....and I'll regret even writing this
I am currently Hurt
I am listening to The Wreckers

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Here kitty kitty
11/20/2006 09:10 a.m.
SO I'm putting in the midnight oil to stay up so I can say goodnight/goodmorning to my boy. Blahhhhhhhh so yeah, trying to think of something productive or creative to say as Julia tells me bout her evening while stuffig the cat into her sweater pocket; which I do have to say if pretty damn amusing! And I was thinking earlier today that I really want to start going to horse ridding lessons again. We were driving on 417 and there's places everywhere for riding and jumping, but I dunno how much it'd cost. EEEEEK it's 4AM gotta make that wake-up call :] Anywho..watching some weird movie then off to bed. I'll be witty later.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Meow

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Everything is Illuminating
10/25/2006 05:49 a.m.
Last night was incredible!! Driving around to loud music, window down (Hil's is broken on the passenger side so grr), and rockin it out! LOL! I missed that crazy fun sooooo much these past month or so, not sure where it went. But it was short-lived, busy life came to steal me away again and now I'm just trying to be patient till Friday.
I am currently Exhausted

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I'm buying
10/13/2006 09:54 p.m.
Waiting...waiting...waiting for another spectacular short-lived weekend. The kind that make you just want to lay in bed all day but be productive at the same time so to enjoy every moment. But for now I'm being lazy on the couch with Julia watching corney ass movies about struggle and pain and the final moment of success...yes thank you Hollywood!
I am currently Anxious
I am listening to Raise Your Voice

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That feeling chokes me
09/29/2006 03:38 a.m.
My heart seriously couldn't hate me more...........why did I lose hope, that's something I could NEVER do. So I just gotta dig a little deeper, and take a little more time, and then get that insanity I once knew called crazy love back!
I am currently Dismayed
I am listening to Snow Patrol (through some magical headphones)

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I never have enough time anymore..
09/01/2006 02:13 a.m.
..to write some long drawn out statement that uses no names and really doesn't make sense after awhile, but always has some hotness effect to it. So lets just be simple: I miss Peaches and he can't come see me :(
That is all, and yes I'm making that sad face till the poopoohead himself gives me something to smile about, hahaha! Do It!!
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to Chitter Chatter in the Library

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People that deserve to win the lottery...
08/13/2006 08:16 a.m.
That D&D Handyman, what a night....almost everything that could go wrong did, and yet it all worked out..hmm, not what I wanted but I'll take what I can get I guess.

The phone keeps ringing and it's not the right person calling...

Although, I did have quite a conversation...but still always too many things left unsaid and I'm always wanting more from you...

I love how Carissa can get drunk right in front of Jeremy and it just makes her want him more...gah perfect couple sometimes that will never get married only kinda ends my glimmer of hope with sadness.

SO I'm not the most honest of people you'll ever meet if you don't know me; but if you do I just can't see how it's not obviously easy to see through everything.

Ughh....I have no clue what I'm talking about anymore and Schmo keeps calling and I feel bad for not answering...but I'm saving myself from stupid mistakes. And I'm not even sure why I need to be saving myself? God I just wish people could be straightforward, and there's no reason to hide behind obscurity. Now only if I could force myself to do the same.

Anywho, this weekend is basically over and I feel I got to see almost everyone i had planned to and didn't disappoint anyone so we'll see how tomorrow goes with Mama Duke's Birthday. Shit I have to remember to call my broham to remind me...shit, I'm no good at this matriarch shit....

Oh and wish everyone a safe and happy drunk night :]
I am currently Fabulous
I am listening to Straylight Run oh this blisss

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I drove to lose myself, but still not completely
08/09/2006 03:46 a.m.
So yeah...um...gah....I'll admit it, I miss you a bit. But that's always a constant factor in my life I guess. The knowledge and assurance that you'll always be a part of me. But whatever. You don't want to make plans because you don't want to disappoint me...you will whether you make the plan or not. I mean, you're not really disappointing me, but not wanting to see me is kinda egh :( not a good feeling.

God I really hope my apartment becomes my apartment, I'm suppose to be moving in a week and we're not even sure if there's a place for us to move. I already feel like I've super-imposed myself on Jay, but it's better than having to live farther away with relatives I guess.

I feel kind of out of place with my friendships....and like there's always something more I'm trying to make them. I dunno what I'm talking about right now. It's just I've been all jittery and having these butterflies and with this approaching weekend home I can't quite pinpoint what will be the problem this time. I want to go to sleeep, but my mind just keeps racing and my body won't ease into REM. But I guess I'm gonna try and try and write something witty later...
I am currently Insecure
I am listening to Silverstein

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