The Journal of Angel J McRae You'll read if you're so inclined
07/16/2006 07:39 a.m.
My Life is falling apart, ever so brilliantly, falling, falling, falling...apart. Brilliantly of coarse in a bad sense, when it falls into a beautiful disaster it seems I can't move, I can't find my way out through this net, trapping me down. And the troubles keep piling, and the chances of escaping without major damages are minimal. I need an insurance appraisal person to come in and estimate the damages this month will cost me. But then I'll just hve an amount as a goal that I can't possibly reach under these circumstances. But I have no choice. And that's life, and I HAVE to be able to do this on my own, and there is no way I want a mommy pocketbook reinforcement; besides, it's not even like she really has it either. And if money was everything....but it's not, I still screw myself over. It's times like these that I believe karma exsists because I don't deserve any better. I deserve to have everthing else shatter, into millions of pieces that can never all be found to glue back together. It's not pity, it's not self loathing, it's just the truth. I'm no better, no better than you, no better than all of them, no better than that person you despise for ruining your life...because I AM that person. Selfish. Selfish Jenn who can't even get what she wants, if there really is anything that could content me. I don't want to be down, and all it really takes to shift is for someone else to come to me all blue so I can be all happy Jenn to the rescue. Trying to make other people believe that this world holds wonderous joys for them after jumping a few more hurdles. But is it ever over? Does bliss exsist, or only in past tense. I remember being happy, I remember wanting to be held by you; but reading back through my pages of rave only prove that memory misjudged. Only looking back now can I realize what I had then, only by things getting worse can I judge what was bliss. I'm making sense in my head, but I feel the right words will never form the right sentences and yadda yadda you'll never get it right. So what's there left to type but sounds and phrases that let me be self-absorbed as if there isn't life outside this frame. I'm sorry, gah, those words are useless and meaningless. I'm not sorry, not yet at least..... I am currently Troubled
I am listening to Dashboard Anything
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Needless to say I haven't slept yet
07/14/2006 12:17 p.m.
I'm a horrible person
A terrible horrible rotten bitch whore
And I can't deny that it's what I wanted...just not how I wanted the situation to be when it finally happened.
And the sad thing earlier John called me and I got all giddy, as if that was going to somehow pan out any differently then last time. Seriously what is wrong with me?! These actions I'm watching myself make aren't right, aren't good Jenn. I'm starting to wonder/think that there never was a good Jenn. Which is kinda true and I know it. I know that I'm not different then those girls I hated, the ones I called whores. And there's nothing I can do to take back what I've done, there are things I can do to make it better or to not screw up again. But I'm not really sure if that's what I'm going to make myself do. I kinda just want it, and I don't think it's too wrong; and I don't think I want to control it; and all I can think right now is SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! GAHHHHHHHHHHH!! But once that passes I'm all egh, round two??
Another secret........... I am currently Evil
I am listening to the blades of the fan spinning the cold air around me
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Catches eyes and giggles
06/30/2006 11:52 p.m.
I gave my number to some really cute stranger boy today......well atucaly, Hilary gave it to his friend to give to him, hahaha. We were at Tijuana Flats and I saw this cute boy, and he was apparently, according to Hil I'm not being conceited, checking me out. Soooo I wrote a lil note cuz on the way out he caught my eye and gave me a smile and then his friend turned around and looked at me too. Had to beg Hil to give it to him and since they were with some girl she just gave it to his friend because he was away from the table at the time. Gahhh, sorry this is a stupid entry but I'm still really in awe that I actually did that =))))))) I am currently Cute
I am listening to Brand New suckas
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and he's gone
06/27/2006 08:40 a.m.
Left with the tides taking back the seaweed stuck to the surface of the sand. Left with the whirling fired bee-bee's leaving bruised blood bursted veins unhealed. Left with the walls spackled and splashed white, clean. Left with a silk button down left hanging one button too far undone on soft breats. Left with dark tinted oversized replaceable eyelids in Tony's car. Left without enough memories to old on to, and a fading personality to this MTV generation. Oh dear sweetness that is music ringing in my ears, echoeing off the walls to lull my head to rest. You sir really are a trip! And I'll miss the bejesus out of your ass! And who knows if I'll ever see you again, if you'll disappear in the vastess of the mountains and we'll all forget about your amazing talent to make rooms spin with glorious revelations and laughter.
So yeah on to other news, it seems my past can never be left behind...and even when i run away, it comes, it follows me throughout zipcodes. Ok, that's kinda ridiculous of me. It doesn't exactly follow me by choice to really follow me. It just happens that their life fits so perfectly where I am. But who know, it'll probabaly get screwed up once I start getting excited that you'll be living closer. I really shuldn't either way, because it won't make any difference except for the fact that I'll have someone to lean on while I screw up another possible relationship. I'll have an extra pair of arms to rapture me at night, and that is all. I am currently Awestruck
I am listening to screams...on tv so calm down
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Fear & Loathing
06/17/2006 08:31 a.m.
I still shudder at the sound of his name, I lose my breath and can't swallow. My limbs numb freightened tightly....and my heart sinks, my body becomes warm all over and the feeling is overwhelming. My stomache churns and a nauseating bubble tries to escape from my clenched lips. I hate him, and he doesn't know it, he pokes me on facebook, friend requests me on myspace and I don't know how I'm suppose to react or what to do. He doesn't know I've wished to never see him again, and if he did he wouldn't understand and my voice will not find the delicate words needing to be said to make him know. It's pointless now, and I'd rather be burried alive than have anyone else know it. I slipped up the other week.....I blame liquor and mad deep convos. I'm not too sure if Hilary or Niki were too drunk to remember, or if John was even conscious to hear me; but I sure hope not.
Anyway.....wasting the hours away till we're suppose to wake up and drive. Ber and Josh are making up..... It's good that they're making up, I hate things being complicated or messy within a group. I'm never going to have josh back again, not the way our friendship use to be, just spending time together doing nothing and talking and watching movies and just sitting around soaking in each others good company. And Nick has become distant too. Why is it that way?? Every relationship I have is intense and short lived. It's beautiful and plentiful and then gone. But I guess that's what needs to be, or else someone really may know all of you, and there'd be no shadows to hide away or corners to back into. I've had so many "best friends" and they're all on again off again. Coming in and out as we both please, dancing so gracefully amongst each others lives, entertwined for moments and then there's nothing but the space between where we use to be. If my friendships are this screwed up, how could I have possibly ever expected my other relationships to thrive?! In this wasteland of eternity......but I still try. And that keeps my spirits lifted, that in the face of adversity (sp?) I can still pick myself off, do a quick brush-off, and jump back on. It's either that hopefulness that keeps me going or I'm just insanely attracted to life's pain. I'm not sure which it is sometime but my smiles keep me going and there are others even more hopeful than me which makes me believe that some people can really find happiness, without settling, selling out, or pretending.
I'm glad when I can be angry with you, and tell you it's messed up. Because it means I'm comfortable enough to realize that you'll always come back somehow.
The tides change everyday, but in predictable patterns....that is me....ever changing but predictably. I am currently Odd
I am listening to "I wouldn't bother telling him about the bats..."
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no caps for me
06/12/2006 07:59 a.m.
MySpace Avatars
could this just be done already and delete his phone number and it never happened until my mind accepts that it wasn't right?! why did it have to feel soo right? for just one instance things just kinda made sense again, and i was happy, i was glowing, and life was good. but things change in a heartbeat and then there's further to fall from your grace..... I am currently Bummed
I am listening to the wreckers------"...i wish i could start over again..."
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Did I shave for this?
06/09/2006 08:34 a.m.
So....last entry kinda bleh, and things seem to rise just to fall again. Where is optimistic Jenn? She's running away to North Carolina and maybe then she can finally keep a Chris....just playing. So I play fastforward in my mind with John and bypass the pain, meet Chris and get cozy for all of five days.....he's leaving in two months,"great just enough time for me to get really hurt". Now it's changed to two weeks....gahhh. So knowing me I'm assured that I'll make rash rushed decisions before he goes to keep what litlle bit of him I can here with me. And I don't even know him that well, I dont feel like I could seriously fall for him, but I'll continue along this path anyway as long as he doesnt screw up. ok, so??? Ahhhhh ok someone banged on my window earlier and I texted Chris and he just called to make sure everything was fine =/ :] I make assumptions and drastic conclusions in my head when someone disappears for a few hours. Ugh, I really can't stop that insecurity of them not calling. I know it's simple and there's always a reasonable excuse, but when does it turn from that to they're just avoiding you or disappearing?!? Seriously I can be an amazing girl, and I don't ask for much, and usually I don't get this crazy...it's just this lil voice inside my head that, lately especially, I haven't been able to shut up. And she's crazy and insecure and untrusting and all screwed up. And I thought the other morning while walking back down the hall from his apartment to mine, that maybe this was a rebound of some sort from john. And then that maybe john was a rebound of friends and that far before that they were all began from a rebound of some sorts. Does this make any sense? Am I just losing my mind in this sea of uncertainty??? I want to grasp something that is real, and hold it for more than just an instant. My head is all sorts of crazy and I still really wanna see him these next two weeks, and a part of me wants to try and just talk to john and the other says well fuck that prick. And then I keep calling Carson, gahhhhhh, I never leave behind my bad habits. The past always comes in handy and I have to really try and stop myself and come to grips that something went wrong and it ended for a reason. But my blame is always handed to timing, because it really does all depend on when you meet someone, and it's never the right time. Ok?? Making nonsense again and babbling away into the midhours of the, well until the wee hours before sunrise and alarm clocks and work. I knew earlier that I wanted to take a day off and not see him, but that was before the news of him moving, and now I'm overanalyzing a boy I just met because I want someone to hold me before I pass out, and to brush the hair out of my face, and to say he wants to have me. Gah, see aren't these feasible tasks from a guy? I only ask that he want just me, and the same in my return. So I'll keep continuing these screw ups until it is I think I've found it...... I am currently Brooding
I am listening to "shark bait ouhaha"
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I know what I should do
05/30/2006 05:28 a.m.
I should just tell him to leave me alone. I should let him disappear. And I should agree with him when he says he's a piece of shit. But I'm sitting here talking to him instead asking if he'll even try to fix things....how stupid am I this month?!? It's like I still hope tat it'll all workout in my favor, and really it can't. Nick and Josh will never accept him and never let it be. God I really hope I'm not just wanting him to want me and give me everything just to be like ok later. And at the same time I hope I' not holding on beause of last Sunday, but I think that may be it. Then again it's like that because when I made that decision I made it because I realized I could fall for him. Wow, I know how to pick em.....
Anyway, I'm gonna hit up the gym like a maniac whether I like it or not. And I'm getting off this all liquid diet, hahaha I gotta be sober to deal appropriately. Or maybe drunk Jenn would just say what's on her mind. Black cat...hahahaha...fuck that shit! Oh well, I'm gonna go ake that phone call like I told him I would.
Boys are stupid, and girls just aren't any smarter apparently. I am currently Bleh
I am listening to MXC Announcers
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Answer
05/27/2006 08:52 a.m.
My heart it aches
And my body is used
And no happiness comes to me for longer than a moment, and then taken away the next
Geez this has been an incredibly suckiest of sucky weeks this year, and it's only May. God knows it gets worse in the winter, lonlier in the colder months. I'm tired of pushing people away, I'm tired of finaly letting someone closer and getting screwed. I'm tired of mixed signals and complications. I'm not open enough with my feeligs but sometimes I can be overwheming. :( WTF?! It's just even more hurtful because I understand what he means. I won't let you know how I feel, and then I'm too much for you to take. This is ridiculous. I wish I could just think it was about another girl, that maybe it wasn't me. It's not you
Jenn, it's not you jenn....but you're disappearing because of who?? Oh, that'd be lil ol' me. Being in a relationship with me is like being in one with my friends too, and it's too much to handle. Drama Rama, that's what I bring. I don't fucking do anything, but it's me, it's my fault. Ughhh he keeps saying it's not, but it must be. I chose my friends, and they may love me too much, and things may get complicated, and no one is good enough to pass their approval, and Nick will never let anyone touch HIS Jenny. I love my friends with all of myself, more than life itself. But why do I feel like I'm never going to get to be happy, at least not happy "with" someone?! Shouldn't they allow me to make my own mistakes and just be there for me when it fucks up, not break all and any attempts. God dammit, it's not their faults....it's mine. God I wish I could erase last Sunday, gahhhh Sundays are suppose to be relaxing. And mornings aren't meant to be steamy after complicated drunk fighting. I'm so done, soo done with feeling this way, sooo done of letting it hurt me, soooo done of trying. I'll crawl back in my empty heart for another 3 1/2 years and then let some asshole come along and screw me up again. Shut me down again. I just wish....that wishes could come true. Why does he have to disappear from me???? Don't blame drama you fucking coward, blame yourself and let me hate you, oh god please... I am currently Hurt
I am listening to Echoes
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Always a predicament...
05/21/2006 11:35 p.m.
j0hn?!?!??!?!?! I am currently Questioning
I am listening to Leann Rhymes on a mixed cd (My Mistake Mix)
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