I LOVE THIS SITE
09/18/2007 03:04 p.m.
I love thi site. I love you guys. Thanks you all so much for making my day, for giving me hope. I miss writing, I miss the pictures in my head. Thanks you, thank you, thank you. I'll keep trying.
I am currently Better

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!
08/02/2007 09:09 p.m.
I wrote a poem I love.







I WROTE A POEM I LOVE!!!!







FREEDOM!
I am currently Stunned

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POTD! (belated, I know)
05/19/2006 04:56 p.m.
I got poem of the day! People liked my poem! Wow... I thought no one ever read my stuff anymore.... wow... I'm so stoked. Thanks to everyone who commented or read, I sincerely appreciate it.

Yippee!!

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15 honest things about 15 different people
05/03/2006 05:39 a.m.
Let's follow the trend!

15 honest things about 15 different people


1 I miss you. Like crazy. I don't know whether I can ever trust you again and I'm afraid to, but I miss you, and miss laughing with you about stupid stuff.

2 You're like my best friend. We don't have the same relationship most people like us have. I'm honest to you. You'll laugh at my bad jokes.

3 You're amazing. You amaze me every day. No one in the world has ever made me feel as special or beautiful or accepted as you. When I'm with you, I don't want to be anywhere else. You honestly care about me.

4 I'm sorry I never hung out with you for so long, and I'm sorry I was a ditcher. I really don't know why I stopped, I really like hanging out with you and I'm sad you'll be gone for the summer.

5 You were very inspirational to me. I'm proud of you whether I should be or not. I like to talk with you, I like to tell you my accomplishments.

6 You're actually a rather cool guy. i thought you were a stalker bu no, you're just a regular cool guy.

7 I don't hate you. But I find your behaviour totally disgusting, and I think you're rather piggish, and if you really dislike me I'd rather you said it to my face and told me why instead of just making me feel outed all the time.

8 I think there's just so much going on with you inside your head that nothing is quite clear yet. Part of me wishes you'd realize I was something great for you. The other parts hope I really was.

9 I think overall you are a rather genuine person. I didn't think so at one point, at many points, but I think, maybe just with me, you are a fairly honest person.

10 God I care about you so much! I hate what you do to yourself. I want to whisk you away so that you never have to do any of it or feel like a loser. You are not a loser. You are everything else.

11 I miss our childhood together. I hate you being so far away. I hate not laughing with you too. We were all so close, and we lost it it seems, one way or another. I'd give you a chunk of my liver, even a kidney is you needed it.

12 I don't know why you seem to dislike me. I never did anything to you. Is it because you saw/heard me break down that day? Is it because I'm human, or do I smile too much or what? I don't know. But don't hate yourself. And eat more.

13 I think you are as mature as you think you are, and maybe people over estimate how mature you think you are.

14 Sometimes I just don't like to be around you because it feel like you fight with your boyfriend over nothing, while at the time I fought with mine over everything,

15 I like that you're quiet. I respect the way you act and think. I like you being evry much your own person. You are really, really refreshing to be around. You presume nothing, and hold nothing against anyone, and give most people the benefit of the doubt. I'd love to be friends with you, though I don't know how.




Wow.... that gets out alot of stuff you dont even realize you feel!

"We should come here once a month and clean house!"

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I'm not perfect either
04/07/2006 07:59 p.m.
What is "real life experience"? What differentiates one persons life experience from another's in terms of what is real? The experiences of a child who's just learned to walk are as real as those of a hardened criminal who's just learned to love, aren't they? I think that all life's experiences are real and valid. It's what you take away from them, what you ask yourself when you walk away from that moment, that distinguishes just what kinds of moments you are walking towards. I am not innocent. Not everyone who is guilty has done community service or betrayed someone they cared about, just like not everyone who is innocent has been through life unscathed. Discounting a person based on their experiences alone isn't right. Discounting a person at all isn't right, which isn't to say we haven't all done it. But you cannot do anything, commit any action, without being judged for it. The words on this page are being judged right now, because I write them and they are here in plain sight. I don't lobby for anyone's redemption, but everyone has expectations of how they think things ought to be. There would never be any opinions at all if people didn't have an idea of what things ought to be like, and it's far from me to discount myself, to discount my own sense of right and wrong solely because not everyone in the world agrees. But is it so bad for my personal goal in life to be being a good person, and human at the same time? Is it really so bad to think that I want to be good, and think about my actions, before and after, and weigh my emotions out without discrediting them?

I hated Barbara. When everything that happened did I hated her more than anythingI could possibly dream up. There was nothing more horrible to me than the idea that the person you trusted with one of the only real friendships you've ever had would betray you in such a way as to take everything you love, including herself, out of your life in a way that cannot be replaced.
But I don't hate her anymore. And that took some time, and some thinking, and some reasoning. i don't discount the way I felt because it was real and appropriate to the situation. I didn't want her to die. I didn't want her to be shunned by every living person on the Earth (at times I thought I did, but then I thought...). But I'm not going to just whisk my hand at the whole ordeal and make off handed comments that I don't think about at all, stuff that I just say, just so that they can be said. I don't think thats right. And really, deep down, people don't tend to do things that they know are wrong. They either think they're right at the time or have no other choice.

So sue me for wanting to be better than I am. I am not finished yet. I am a work in progress. and in the "real world" only progress gets you anywhere.
I am currently Fine

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For the Record
04/05/2006 01:19 a.m.
For the record, I do not appreciate people coming at me with curses and accusations based on things that they speculate to be about them here, on this website. This place is not for you to judge what I write like that. For all you know I could be practicing the art of living vicariously through the perspective of someone elses eyes.

You cannot, I repeat, CANNOT take everything here as fact, let alone fact about you, who ever "you" applies to right now. I in no way wish to cater my words to your whims. If I do not say a name then guess what? There is no name to go on, so assume nothing, lest you make a fool of yourself reproaching me for it. This is just my space. This is my corner in the world wide web oblivion that I like to be in. That I like to be me in. That I like to be far reaching extensions of me in.

Reading something here does not entitle you to judge it or base your idea of me in it. Pathetic.org gets the extremes of my moods and opinions more often than not and I make no apologies about it. I title my poems and pages explicit where appropriate, I dont use bad words in my titles, and move on with it.

I am highly offended when people who know me from reality, from life, assume everything they read here to be more honest then what they see from me in reality. Give me more credit than that. If I smile at you it's because I'm happy to see you, or something about you pleases me in some way as to make me smile. Deception is an exhaustive process and I try to avoid it where ever possible.

I am not dishonest here. I am merely polarized, for that day, for that moment. It more of an extreme truth than a wordy lie. It is how I am in that moment. I realize other people live moments like that too, and I realize everyone everywhere judges. If you are to judge me, judge me in your own space, on your own page, and don't call me a fake in real life because I contradict here. I'm not one single idea on a page, I have facets like the rest of you. As stated above, I make no attempt to decieve, but what you see here are a collection of snapshots, most of them taken before I've finished all the thinking I will do on the subject.

I will not necessarily notify the world on my final decision on some topic I write about. This is my journal, not a daily paper.

And if you know my face because you have laughed with it or cried with it or slept with it on your pillow or maybe all three, then you know me better than these words tell, and let that be your proof.


I am currently O.K.

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AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
03/29/2006 03:16 a.m.
There are parts. I see parts there that make me want to vomit. Parts that feel so utterly sick, like innerscum maybe, when I think about them. Parts that are SO fucking IGNORANT and frustrating and BLIND! Fucking BLIND! And nothing will change beause in that mind there is only one that counts, and that all encompassing one is right and grown by default, or so the theory goes. I realize this is cryptic, let that be said, and let it not be a reflection on my coherencey as a whole. But GOD!! I don't look at that particular site all that much but when I do, I usually enjoy it. But this time... I mean FUCK! In the face of all the people who are gently saying "well, think about it...." But no! Nothing! Not a fucking twitch. What is this? What is it, the last and final step in evolution? God's finished and perfect creation? Is there not more to learn from the people OUTSIDE of ones head, or does the singular fact that your thought is a thought make it right to believe it is the only real way for you. It is a FALSE way to establish identity. It is a FALSE way to say "This is who I am and this is what I believe in." Instead of asserting one's humanity and dignity, it seems that it is just to say "This is all I am and all I will ever become and I'm PROUD of this determinate growth, so FUCK OFF." Is that right? Is that progress? Pathetic. It is fucking pathetic. That seems to be the ONLY way there is for this one to feel as if there is a sense of stability or an identifiable whole, for this mind. What a fucking waste. NO it does not mean deny what you are, it means EMBRACE what you are and learn from the people around you instead of believe that everyone BUT you is ignorant and stupid. That there is nothing inside of their heads that is of any worth directly or indirectly. That pretentious, presumptuous attitude, that disgusting self-propaganda and the over-bearing pushing, pushing, pushing into the spot so that there can be maybe one tiny iota of recognition... What is worth being recognized for?

WHAT IS A PERSON IF THEY COMPLETELY RELIQUISH GROWTH?! If you are done shaping and learning you might as well be dead!! Who cares how many grammy's or gold metals or pages of pullitzer prize winners?! Who cares?! You are DEAD if you think you are done evolving, DEAD if you think there is nothing to gain from anyone else around you. DEAD. There is nothing left there if that is how you approach the only life you're given. You think you're using it when really you're taking its tiny little neck and wringing it over the sink, or stringing it up like spring laundry.

IF YOU ARE DONE BECOMING SOMETHING THEN YOU ARE DONE AND HAD BEST LEAVE ROOM FOR THE PEOPLE WITH AIR IN THEIR LUNGS WILLING TO FURTHER HUMANKINDS PROGRESS.

The arrogance that comes with this lofty sense of done-ness creates a stench that gags any cognizant person inthe room. It is pathetic.

Please re-read capslocked words, phrases and statements of the point, at this point, has not been driven home. This is not intended to be so shrouded in mystery, but you never know what prying eyes are surfing the wbe and googling your name.

Hey Barbara, I hope you read this, not because you are part of the irritant in question but because it has to do with you in a not so aggressive and angry sort of way.

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Musing
03/07/2006 03:55 a.m.
Nothing seems to have changed, in that respect. It was never for me in the first place, I was accessory, doomed from the start, as it seems. Voices stay the same, with different undertones maybe, and I still know every breath and pause and cycle.

But none of it ever was meant to be mine
and I could never have had it.

Bright lights maybe. A flash, brilliant then gone, but brilliant is all he ever needs to be, where as me, I need to be more, to be whole and alive instead of living and slowly descending. Ha, descending. That's irony at it's best, I didn't even plan that one! There's a value in all that self-discipline hiding in strings and a shapely body. Applied elsewhere, or everywhere....ahh but no ones that complicated, it seems. Oh well, I dream and want to be all of that. A sort of olympic torch rather than another birthday candle or ignition or whatever.

I am looking out the window at the little cars far away in the night. Pairs of lights gliding and stopping and gliding again. Funny, what are the chances that I'd be staring at that particular car as it goes into the night. To the driver, how funny it must be to not know that there is a girl in a library on a hill staring into your windshield and watching your habits.

Habits. Why is nunswear called a habit?
I am currently Cool

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"The Love I Give Return To Me"
02/22/2006 08:20 a.m.
Everything feels so.... finished. Like a chapter has closed. It's starnge. Jordan's gone. He was gone a few mondays ago. Barbara's gone. She was gone a while before that. Not that I don't see eitherof them at all anymore, or than it isn't fine when I do. That's just it. The chapter is so closed that I'm fine when I do. they're fine. It's like seeing characters from Aladin pop into the screen while you're watching Mulan. It a little disconcerting, and then it's fine, I guess. It just feels so.... strange. I saw Barbara on the street corner with her little brother and I noticed how tall he's getting. William is just getting so tall, and big and grown up. I'm afraid of what little Mikey must look like. I can picture Carol in her floral pants and gumboots and big glasses she used to wear. I remember painting the shed, and me and Barbara and Jen writing our names on the concrete with paint. Blue paint? I don't remember, but Carol power washed it off. I'm afraid to delve into good time memories with Jordan just yet. Too near still. Not near enough to do me harm, but near enough to make me sad. Now that me and Jordan are over, Barbara doesn't make me angry anymore. I mean, what she did still does and probably always will make me angry, but the thought of her, of the person she is, doesn't burn anymore. I get a little sad for everything that this has wrecked. A love and a friendship, gone, over something to trivial. Trivial to do, that is. Not that the act it's self was, just that the decision to do so was, if that makes any sense.

Barbara wants to talk. I'm afraid to until I'm far enough removed from him. As cold as that sounds, it's not meant to be. I just can't heal up these final places until I've given myself that kind of time and space. Me and him going our separate ways was a good idea anyways. I love him, and he knows that. He loves me too. I know for a fact if anyone tried to lay a finger on me in any way I disliked he'd defend me in a heart beat. I'm still his girl, in that way. Likewise he knows I'll be right there when the record comes out. I get the 3rd copy, after him and Mo. Our priorities are not the same, which is fine, but it is what it is. I see him in class and I'm genuinely happy to have his company. He's a good friend to me. A good person, underneath. He just needs to get certain things in his life in order first before he can go on witht he rest, and that's fine. That's even smart, for a person with those kinds of aspirations.

Even so, seeing them.... it's like a dream. Its like at the end of Donnie Darko. It's like the past doesn't correlate with the present. In any event, I think they kind of deserve eachother. Maybe they'd be good for eachother, who knows? It would make what happened less meaningless. But he doesn't need anything long term just now. That'd be like square one all over again. And I don't think any girl wants to be commited to a guy who's just commited to himself at the moment.

Barbara, if you're reading this, which you probably are, let's not do the phone thing, or the in person thing just yet. Email me or something. Letters are probably smarter. I don't think anything can be what it was before all this, I won't lie, but I'd like to hear what you have to say. I'd like to listen, I guess. Whenever you're ready.
I am listening to "You can't love too much one part of it."

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reality
02/11/2006 02:14 a.m.
The difference is that I lived with her on your hands everytime that you touched me, and yet I held on for us, thinking that things could maybe be different. I wonder if now you grasp how I couldn't shake things as quickly as you. But you don't know him. You don't know any of them. I knew her, you know? We told secrets together. We laughed in the summer and drank iced tea and drew funny little comics and cried on the phone until 2. In the back of your head you always figured that you stood alone and that I was disposable. Now I'm disposed, but appreciated. How sick is that? Maybe not appreciated by you, I don't know. Appreciated by someone, for sure though. God how I wished that it could have been you. I'll probably never understand why you work this way. And if you're the same guy you always have been, you'll probably find some way to never regret. But here we are, and I've learned so much about love and of friendship it hurts. I can feel now why everyone drinks. Why they get high. Kinda makes me wanna lose my morals some times. But I'll be ok. I already am, actually. It's just tragic to think about.

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