"The Love I Give Return To Me"
02/22/2006 08:20 a.m.
Everything feels so.... finished. Like a chapter has closed. It's starnge. Jordan's gone. He was gone a few mondays ago. Barbara's gone. She was gone a while before that. Not that I don't see eitherof them at all anymore, or than it isn't fine when I do. That's just it. The chapter is so closed that I'm fine when I do. they're fine. It's like seeing characters from Aladin pop into the screen while you're watching Mulan. It a little disconcerting, and then it's fine, I guess. It just feels so.... strange. I saw Barbara on the street corner with her little brother and I noticed how tall he's getting. William is just getting so tall, and big and grown up. I'm afraid of what little Mikey must look like. I can picture Carol in her floral pants and gumboots and big glasses she used to wear. I remember painting the shed, and me and Barbara and Jen writing our names on the concrete with paint. Blue paint? I don't remember, but Carol power washed it off. I'm afraid to delve into good time memories with Jordan just yet. Too near still. Not near enough to do me harm, but near enough to make me sad. Now that me and Jordan are over, Barbara doesn't make me angry anymore. I mean, what she did still does and probably always will make me angry, but the thought of her, of the person she is, doesn't burn anymore. I get a little sad for everything that this has wrecked. A love and a friendship, gone, over something to trivial. Trivial to do, that is. Not that the act it's self was, just that the decision to do so was, if that makes any sense.

Barbara wants to talk. I'm afraid to until I'm far enough removed from him. As cold as that sounds, it's not meant to be. I just can't heal up these final places until I've given myself that kind of time and space. Me and him going our separate ways was a good idea anyways. I love him, and he knows that. He loves me too. I know for a fact if anyone tried to lay a finger on me in any way I disliked he'd defend me in a heart beat. I'm still his girl, in that way. Likewise he knows I'll be right there when the record comes out. I get the 3rd copy, after him and Mo. Our priorities are not the same, which is fine, but it is what it is. I see him in class and I'm genuinely happy to have his company. He's a good friend to me. A good person, underneath. He just needs to get certain things in his life in order first before he can go on witht he rest, and that's fine. That's even smart, for a person with those kinds of aspirations.

Even so, seeing them.... it's like a dream. Its like at the end of Donnie Darko. It's like the past doesn't correlate with the present. In any event, I think they kind of deserve eachother. Maybe they'd be good for eachother, who knows? It would make what happened less meaningless. But he doesn't need anything long term just now. That'd be like square one all over again. And I don't think any girl wants to be commited to a guy who's just commited to himself at the moment.

Barbara, if you're reading this, which you probably are, let's not do the phone thing, or the in person thing just yet. Email me or something. Letters are probably smarter. I don't think anything can be what it was before all this, I won't lie, but I'd like to hear what you have to say. I'd like to listen, I guess. Whenever you're ready.
I am listening to "You can't love too much one part of it."