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The Journal of Trisha De Gracia

make it stop.
02/04/2006 04:11 a.m.
I don't know what to do. something's different ever since what happened with him and barbara. I told him something was missing now, and that I didn't know where it went to or how to get it back. something's changed. I don't know where to find it, or ifI even can right now. Maybe the cuts are deeper than I thought. this sort of thing doesn't seem to be something i can just tape over, and i've tried. Maybe I need time away from him. Maybe we need to see other people. I just don't know anymore.Loving him used to be the thing I knew. The concrete thing. Now I know that yes, I love him, no it won't stop, but there's something I can't find in there. Maybe an innocence that's passed. I know he's a good person. Good people make mistakes. I know she's a good person too. Underneath it all she really is just another human being and I can't put her in a box and say I hate her, because I don't. I don't hate her. Something between me and her is gone now, but it doesn't mean I hate her. I don't know if it means I can ever get it back. Talking to her was the scariest thing I've ever tried to do. Saying anything to her was terrifying. I know I made a remark here or there that was uncalled for, but I guess she realizes that that bitterness doesn't just dissolve.

Then there's Kellie. Kellie loves me. This is just a simple truth. A fact. He loves me to pieces and it hurts him to see me hurt. It hurts him to see me search and search for something that maybe just doesn't exist anymore. I love him too, but Jordan knows that. I told Jordan that when we got back together. I love Kellie. Somehow it doesn't detract from me loving Jordan, I love Jordan all the same. I feel like I don't know Jordan anymore though, although he insists he's the same guy as ever. I'm so exasperated, and how many tries is a girl supposed to give a guy? 1. 2, maybe, if he's really into it. But 3? 4? With someone right there who is looking at this going "Does he not realize what he has here?? Who he has?" Jordan once prided himself on being able to give girls exactly what they need. Love them better, if someone else loved them. That's how he got me. Loved me better, so I took a chance. And then another. And now another. Because I figured hey, I'm worth that much love. I'm worth that. And so I took it. And now.... now that strong, steadfast love feels broken. It's there but it's so broken between us, and time could heal it, but is that time time with or time apart? And so now here's Kellie, offering me what Jordan either can't or won't. And NONE of it means I don't love Jordan. I can't help loving Jordan. Loving Jordan is in me. I'm sure Morganna still loves Jordan, inside herself. But he made a mistake. A big mistake, when he told me he was in love with me and he fucked her instead. He made a mistake with her when he dropped her and ran to me, but running to me didn't turn out so bad. What if running to Kellie turns out not so bad? WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL OR THINK?! WHEN WILL EVERYTHING FEEL OKAY AGAIN?! This thing with him and Barbara has screwed me up in so many ways, on so many levels, in places I'm sure I just haven't dug deep enough to find. I went crazy that day. I died. When I woke up the world was not anything like I had remembered it. It was barren except for Kellie and my family, and Jen and probably Becca. The landscape shifted. All of a sudden, no matter what, Jordan didn't love me selflessly. Jordan wouldn't always be there, and faithful, and mine alone. It sent the message that him loving me wasn't enough to keep him from doing the one thing that could crush me like this. Loving me wouldn't allow him to pause and think I'm going to destroy Trish. This is going to fucking kill her. Oh God, I can't do that to my baby, I just can't. No. What ever he felt for me that day wasn't enough. And now, now maybe it's like I feel like I never could be enough. Maybe not never, but certainly not now. That whatever love he may feel for me now can't possibly be enough, because it wasn't enough to stop him from doing that. That is what I think is going on inside my head. I don't want to hold it hovering over him for all eternity, but at the same time, saying sorry doesn't relieve you of accountability. It means alot, but it doesn't mean aquittal. I care about him so much. I just don't know how to heal myself, and he doesn't have the time nor motivation it seems to find a way. I love him. That goes on without saying. but he's always had trouble realizing what he loves and how to keep it until its too late. And it's getting there. It's really truly getting there, and amazingly not for lack of love.
"all you need is love is a lie cuz we had love but we still said goodbye. Now we're tired. Battered fighters.
And it stings when its nobody's fault cuz there's nothing to blame at the drop of you name. It's only the air you took, and the breath you left."

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Looker-on
01/31/2006 07:18 a.m.
Do I feed off this knowing of you with the same voracious hunger that a set of eyes have staring out a car window at the passing crash?

Maybe.

Maybe.

But then I wonder why you watch me too.

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Trish
01/23/2006 11:44 p.m.
I'm not quite sure just how to feel right. Why are things not the way they were. Why does he not cherish me until I'm desperate and teary eyed. I'm not just some image. She's become an idea, and image to him. But I've been talking to her. She isn't a picture or a concept. She's a girl in love when she wasn't sure about loving again. She's a friend. "oh great" he says. "There's my ex coming back into my life again." But she never 'came back.' He brought her back the first time, and this time.... this time I talked to her. Why is it that Kellie has to be the one to say don't worry, he'll call you up soon. By the way, Trish, this hurts me like hell but if he makes you happy then I'm happy. If he makes me happy. Nothing is the same. I miss the guy who was crazy about me, not just when I was sad, and not just crazy about the idea of us, but of me, Patricia Caddy. The girl who wants to be a doctor and do things like join up with MSF and help people. The girl who likes to play sax and soccer and write poetry and watches flowers and grows tomatoes in the summer. The girl who loves small children and finds biology facts fascinating. The girl who knows the lyrics or at least the tunes to most of his songs. The girl who's terrified of trusting him or anyone again, the girl whos found herself short of friends in these past months. The one with the almond eyes.

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what I did in 2005
01/19/2006 06:56 a.m.
Stuff I did in 2005 (bold)

stayed single the whole year
got your first kiss
kissed someone new
made-out for the first time
made-out in/on a car
kissed in the snow
kissed in the rain
fell in love
had your heart broken
broke someone else's heart
had a stalker
had a good relationship with someone
questioned your sexual orientation
came out of the closet
gotten pregnant
gotten someone else pregnant
had an abortion
gotten married
had a divorce
had a gay marriage
kissed someone of the same sex
dated someone you'll never forget
done something you've regretted
lost your true love
lost faith in love
kissed under mistletoe
got a promotion
got a pay raise tips!
changed jobs
lost your job
quit your job
dated a co-worker
dated your boss
dated your boss' daughter/son
got fired from your job
got straight As
met one teacher you really like
met one teacher you really hated
found the subject you love
failed a class
cut class
skipped school
got into a fight with a classmate
did something you were proud of
discovered a new talent
gave the teachers a reason to teach
proved yourself an idiot
embarassed yourself in front of the class
fell in love with a teacher
got a lead in the school play
made a varsity team
were involved in something you'll never forget
got sent to the office
painted a picture
wrote a poem
ran a mile
listened to music you couldn't stand
double-dipped
skinny-dipped
went to a sleepover
went to camp
threw a surprise party
laughed till you cried
laughed till you peed in your pants
flirted shamelessly
visited a foreign country
visted a foreign state
cooked a disasterous meal
lost something important to you
got a gift you adore
realized something new about yourself
went on a diet
tried to gain weight
dyed your hair
came close to losing your life
someone close to you died
went to a party
drank alchohol
drank alchohol underage

did drug(s)
got drunk
got arrested
read a great book
saw a great movie

saw a movie so scary that it made you cry
saw your favorite band/artist live
saw someone famous in person
did something you want to tell everyone
enjoyed this

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I Entered Work To Be Published ! For the First Time!
01/13/2006 07:10 p.m.
Ok, so I submitted 5 poems to Portal Magazine, the annual literary magazine my University (Malaspina University) publishes, in hopes of my stuff perhaps being included. For reference, I checked the website just now (http://web.mala.bc.ca/portal/index.htm) just to check out what I'm up against. Here's some of what I found.

“Homemade Music” by Kathleen Lacey-Garrah

"Romance needs a kick into real.
Almost forty and tired of plump
assed women with tiny waists
getting laid by the man with abs.
They undress fluid, fall flawlessly
to a dance so choreographed
I can only roll my eyes.

Has my girl begun to dream
of being the only station
a guy will want to watch.
TV never shows the truth
how we all get tired,
hot, hungry, or poor,
and sex isn’t number one
on a list of household chores.

His and her plans rarely coincide
adrenaline days meet daily dishwashing.
Two-stepping through colliding teenagers
and dust-mice wars isn’t learned
from cut out feet laid down
on an un-swept kitchen floor."


“Our Prayer” by Jason Mayes

"We’re walking on canvas
carved coasts
misunderstood

While some would choose to mourn
these rare moments
stolen glimpses

we choose to celebrate
like fine wine
bit by bit

life holds nothing
but beauty in small pieces
that only seem small from afar"


“Modern Problems” by Barbara Fraser

"Even though she had sewn them silver jackets
from all those fallen feathers.

Her husband bought her massive minks
long dresses, elaborate underwear
to strategically and unsuccessfully hide
her freeflowing light.
When that failed he tried diversion
with deflecting metals and refracting stones.

Eventually, frustrated, he stopped taking her dancing

(but there were also problems
when they . . . well . . . you know . . .
more than once he went to sleep
bitter hunger caked between his lips
and dry iron between his thighs
rather than fight through the net of crystal plumage
that entangled his fingers and got stuck
in certain unmentionable spaces)
I don't have to tell you
they eventually divorced.

He and the children settled
on a strawberry farm in Teulon, Manitoba
making a living selling jam and pillows.

And her?

She took off with an ornithologist."


I'm not sure where my stuff stands with this. What I do know is that all of the contributors are probably like 3 or 4 years older than I am, and probably with some standing here at Mal, not some lowly first year, ha. If you want to know what I entered, check out

Seraph In The Nude ( in folder LLC and so On),
=Bonded Eden= (Flaming Chunks of Negativity),
Sin Stricken (Currently Retired),
These Words Between My Lips (You and Me), And
Crowfoot Murder (Library).

I'll post the results of this little adventure as soon as I know. In the mean time, cross your fingers with me!









I am currently Anxious

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Karma?
01/12/2006 08:52 p.m.
Your Karma is not my fault. Maybe it isn't karma at all. Maybe it's just choice. Maybe in some odd way the past likes to repeat itself. In any event, I'm sorry you feel the need to spit words like that at me. I'm not the one who did anything I shouldn't have, except for maybe take him back. And if that was something I shouldn't have done, then at least I'm happy with my choices.

I'm sorry about what the troubles you seem to be having with guys lately. I hope things get better for you soon.

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hm
01/09/2006 11:01 p.m.
I feel poems coming on. that night at acme was fun, but weird. Jordan got drunk after I left. Barbara sat with Jen. I sat with Anna because I was nice and safe there. Kellie kissed some girl when he went out to Vancouver for Dave's 19th birthday. Dave still hates me but i've grown indifferent/ Perhaps hardened. Same with the Barbara I suppose. Thats all for now.

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Rage
01/06/2006 11:38 p.m.
I DON'T WANT HER TO BE THERE!! I don't know what on earth I could possibly say or feel and this shit is just driving me insane! Not just her, but everything. All of it. I don't know what the fuck I need anymore!!!! And I sure as hell can't bring him there now. FUCK! I just don't know. I don't mean to be mean but I have nothing to say and no good reason to talk or pretend to be fucking civil! I'm angry! I'm hurt! I'm broken for fuck's sake what should I do? WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE? FUCK! Someone remind me why the hell this all happened again? someone tell me why I feel this way. Why I don't know what I'm gonna do. Why do I feel like falling away into nothing or just going livid and raging and red all over?I'm fucking hysterical. I can feel it in my veins. I'm not sane right now. I'm fragmented and torn and confused. It's like having scars you cover up but then when you're forced to look at them again you don't remeber what happened or why, only that it hurt. That it burned you or gouged your flesh. Can't I just forget already? Can't I just let it go. Maybe I can never let her get far enough away from me to really forget this.

In all likliness the night will go well and we'll just pretend we never knew eachother in the first place. But every time I see her I feel like vomiting. Not because of her. She isn't replusive. It's the thought. The situation. Like seeing a costume in a store window of the killer from the one and only horror movie that ever scared the shit out of you, cuz with every stab you realized you never saw it coming and the protagonist never shakes the fear. Fuck. It's like scream.

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Merry Christmas
12/24/2005 10:59 p.m.
I was too shocked to say it back when you called, but merry Christmas to you too.
I am currently Better

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no subject
12/19/2005 08:53 a.m.
I was harsh and i'm sorry. I just don't feel things the way I used to and I'm not sure that anything is right anymore and I didn't mean to be crazy I just hurt. I wish I could stop hurting and forget the world sometimes. I go crazy sometimes and I'm afraid to trust in people and they seem afraid to trust in me.I just don't feel the way I used to feel and I'm adjusting to newer skin and I didn't mean to be so mean to her but sometimes all I want to do is crumple up and bawl and other times I just want to rip her apart. I have no barrier between the two, they flow into one another. When starts as me weeping turns into me screaming and who I'm screaming at and what I'm screaming for blend and blurr to me. I didn't mean to be so harsh. I don't know what's gotten into me. Oh god it's so fucked up. It's so fucked up. So what do we all have to show when we turn our hands over and stare at one anothers palms. There is nothing there but old, old lines.

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