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12/17/2005 04:59 p.m.
Merry Fucking Christmas. You know, I read it all when I can because I miss you. I fucking miss you, the good parts, the parts that didn't hurt so bad. So I read and I can't stop myself because I find myself looking through a fucking window wondering you're ok and not sure what I hope for. And so today I look for those tiny green arrows, to see what I can see and there it is. I don't know what youhope for with it but..... fuck.... There it is, me not learning my lesson: When people fuck up, leave them to their own fuckups. Don't look back. Don't wonder if there's anything there. Just go. I have to just fucking go and stop looking at your life and caring whether you wish anything was different, because the fucking fact of the matter is that if you had wanted things to turn out differently they would have, wouldn't they. I know it was you who called. I said hello three times and then I knew from the way you hung up. I don't know what you could have possible had to say but don't. And this is my journal, not a letter. This is one way. Tell the world how you wouldn't have told me... make it clear... make all of it clear...
Fuck.
I am currently Detached

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Today
12/15/2005 10:51 p.m.
No one takes it as serious as me. Cute little "lols" and casual references to people I've recently severed contact with for my own sad good. But then again, I guess no one else should take it like I do. I guess I should stop reading things every now and again, or caring at all. I feel like stone again, but over all today was good... today was.... "fine", maybe.

More later.

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Fovea. I like that word.
12/12/2005 10:56 p.m.
Nobody's watching. And I guess that's fine. I guess I maybe don't want anyone to really watch me, and thats why I don't blog. I thought about why I don't open up a blog, but I decided I like it here. I journal, here, in this relative obscurity. Kellie reminds me every day that I shouldn't settle for less than I deserve. Trouble is I forget what that is at times. He let's me know that I'm an amazing person, but I don't feel amazing to some people. I know that. I can't shake this funk. I keep asking why, and it's sad, because there is no why. Everything that's happened- it just happened, and thats all. There is no explaination. They're feel-doers, want-doers. They feel something, or want something and they just do it. Impulsive. That's just the way it is, the way they are, that's the opt-out.
I miss Barbara and the friendship we had. I miss it so much. I'm not as cold as I wish I was. I wish I didn't care, but I do care, and it's Christmas soon. Why? I keep asking why and there is no why and it's the most heart wrenching thing ever because I can't call her at two in the morning and cry to her about all of this because she is what all of this is. And if I called him, what would he say but "yup" and "I hear ya." There'd be no words of comfort there, save for the occasional "I love you" and reasonable comfort that brings. I feel so shell shocked that I keep running from comfy place to comfy place in hopes of feeling different. But I can't... I just can't do anything.

Jordan found me today, watched me fall down the stairs infront of the library. He ran up to me and kissed me and smiled and looked so happy to see me that I had to smile. That's how he says sorry. He force feeds lightness into the situation until its full. He hardly ever just throws up a sincere sorry, and its funny, for all the effort it takes to pretend like feelings aren't hurt, sometimes a sincere sorry is so much more fulfilling. In any event, I smiled this time.

My bed is a soft place, and I think I'll lay there, haha. I just aced a bio midterm I think, which rocks. Only chem, psych and english left. Woo!

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-
12/01/2005 08:11 a.m.
I fucking hate this!!
I FUCKING HATE THIS! And I hate technology for not allowing me to convey the tone of my voice when I say I hate this shit so much. I want things to be like they were! I want to turn back time! I want none of this to have ever happened. It doesn't feel fair. It isn't fair that I can be with him and not with her, but how the fuck do I change the past? I could handle being hurt by him again. I'd go. And I'd handle that, and I'd be ok eventually. But I can't go through this shit with her again, I just fucking can't and I hate it! I hate her for having not seen how much this was going to fuck everything over. I hate him for not thinking, for not loving me right then. I hate her for that too. And yet I love him, and I miss her. Every time it enters my head I'm broken. Everytime I see her I'm broken. Why is that I'm always cherished after the fact? But I'm shit all in the moment. I trusted so much, and now its shattered. How many times had she said she'd never? Who would have thought. And it makes me feel like such a fool and... It's so broken. I mean that. It feels absolutely dissolved in mid air and I wish it hadn't broken! I wish SOMEONE had given a damn about me that night a party filled with people I hardly know and a case of mikes hard we fucking shared. 2 distinct hugs good by. A closing door.
And now how can we go back? I can't.... I just can't bear it. I couldn't do it again. And sometimes it feels like nothing has changed and I'm just scared and no one knows just when to hold me. No one. Fuck. I want everything back. I want people to make time for me, I wanna laugh at stupid inside jokes. I want to lay beside him, naked and safe and trusting. In a sense, maybe i can't go back because of just how much I did love her.
I am currently Overwhelmed

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SNOW :)
11/29/2005 06:11 a.m.
Snow!! :D!

SNOW!!

It's snowing tonight and I love it to death. I love it. It makes me feel less hard hearted, snow. And Christmas. Ha, I remember burying jordane in the field by barbaras house, and she looked like a giant snow blob. Probably because we made her into one, haha. Snow is softening me. For those who care, the hurt is ebbing away, which is scary, which makes me feel that it'll come again, and strong. I'm scared but I feel better. Nostalgic, perhaps sure, but better overall.
I am currently Nostalgic
I am listening to ^Theres a "nostalgic" label :D

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Rent and Christmas
11/28/2005 07:51 a.m.
I wonder if, in this instance, I have read too much into the starting letters. But I feel crushed, so maybe... maybe...

I saw rent the other day with some people from South Pacific. LOVED IT! The songs are stuck in my head. Talked with Kellie today. About many things, I suppose I always do. He seems so genuinely interested in my day and the way things are. Am I happy? What happened with soccer? Do you want my coat? Here have the last piece. I don't understand it all. I wonder if everything fades and changes with time, like Jordan says. I am happy to be everywhere I am right now, given every circumstance of my heart and my head and the people I surround them with. It feels so nice to belly laugh, to explore. To know that there'll be arms around me. To know that I can wrap my arms around myself, needbe.

So far on the christmas list:
(in order of necessity, not necessarily appeal)

-bookshelves!
-cd rack
-new usb cord for my kodak digicam
-new monitor :)
-Good size 4 or 5 (or 4 1/2) soccer ball
^^someone (cute?) to kick it at me to practice in net :P
-gift certificates to any of the random stores I frequent
-that fancy jlo perfume stuff (I dont usually wear scents but this is yummy)
-White chocolate toblerone
-Girly things like food scented candles
-anything homemmade/with thought put into it.]

P.s. friends need not buy the necessary things, unless you find a neat version of one of them. for instance, Jordan, do not by me a plank of wood for a bookshelf, lol, unless you intend on personalizing it somehow for me first, and installing it (HAHAHA!)

I'm in a good mood. Christmas and/with family. :)
I am currently Happy

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Charles and Johnathan
11/17/2005 10:09 p.m.
"Tried to think
that loves not around,
still its uncomfortably near
got to find
who's not number one
and why my angel eyes ain't here..."

I think I'll play this song when I get home. Yeah, some sax would make me feel good, for a time, until I get frustrated because I realize how much I don't sound like Charlie or John.

Hmm...

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On Copulation and Anger
11/15/2005 09:58 a.m.
I want it to be ok again. I'm so glad you understand it's gonna take time. And it's not easy. I was so worried about what you were thinking there beside me. Feeling rejected? Feeling condemned? I think you know it isn't to make you feel guilty. I just want it to be right. I want there to be only a marginal chance of me freaking out right in the middle of it. I asked what you were thinking and I didn't expect a "that I love you" at that point in time. I don't know why I shouldn't. That's a bad thing isn't it? I shouldn't be surprised when you tell me you love me. Things must have been worse than I thought underneath. But god, to watch you put down those initial, primal feelings of abandonment or reject and replace with them with the logic of the situation.... it made me feel like something is.... not fixing itself... but healing. Healing happens if you let it. Fixing is deliberate. This is healing.

Jen, I can always count on you to hold on to the venom I try to let go. Sometimes its good to remember why you were angry. It helps me not to backtrack in life, I guess. Just don't keep it inside forever. Thanks See-stor

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no other way
11/11/2005 08:33 p.m.
The images don't pop into my head nearly as much as they used to. I don't taste bile in my mouth anymore at the thoughts... well hardly ever... I just think about the past 2 months and I'm just tired. Just tired, that's all. I miss everything there was before everything was broken. I miss the girl I thought I knew.I miss feeling safe and trusting.
*sigh* In time.


No Other Way - Jack Johnson...

"When your mind is a mess
so is mine
I cant sleep
cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace
with the plans that we make
chances we take
they're, not yours and not mine
there's waves that can break
all the words that we said
and the words that we mean
words can fall short
can't see the unseen
cause the world is awake
for somebody's sake now,
please close your eyes woman
please get some sleep

And know that if I knew
all of the answers I would
not hold them from you'd
know all of the things that i'd know
we told each other, there is no other way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that’s done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew
all of the answers I would
not hold them from you'd
know all of the things that i'd know 'cause
we told each other, there is no other way"



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I dont like me this way. I dont mean what I say except when i do
11/07/2005 10:54 p.m.
There is nothing here. I don't like me this way. I don't think of her as nothing, or as anything. I don't think of her. I don't like what I see when I close my eyes. I put myself in the hands of people who I do not think will hurt me more than this. Will her, I just don't know. My cousin thinks maybe, one day, things could be better. I don;t know. I don't think so. I don't have that kind of faith anymore. There is nothing she could say to make this worth. Nothing she could do could make it harder, and anyone who thinks there is something more she could do to hurt me doesn't know this, and doesn't know how much i've hurt. I put myself in his hands because I have some light in my heart for him yet and if I could have any for her, I would. I saw her today. Jordan and Geoff went to the theatre building. I followed. what else can I do? I thought she looked beautiful. I don't hate anyone when I can help it. I'm just choked. I just feel so choked and I hate the things that I say when I'm hurting. It's poison though. It needs to come out. I wish i could be perfect. God I want to be perfect and not feel and not hate people. they're only people. she's only a girl. How can I hate what even she doesn't understand. But I can't look at her without tears welling up. I can't do it and I wish I could regard her with anonymity. I wish I could have no opinion. I wish I didn't know the things I know about her. I wish I knew her at all. I still don't understand. I don't undertstand how she could just not think. I don't understand how little I meant. I don't understand why my worth only comes back in the morning, or when I'm crying, or screaming. I don't understand. I wish I was perfect. I wish I could understand anything here. the only thing I understand is how I can love him. the only thing I can't understand is everything surrounding my feelings for him. i know what people say. I can picture what they think. I felt so discarded. I want to be whole again. I felt so discarded. Like trash. I felt like trash.

I don't hate her. I don't hate anyone. I can't hate what I don't think I understand, and I understand nothing in this. I understand nothing.

No one can make me hurt more than this has hurt. Beyond this, I am tired and cold and hungry. But I am not hurt. I am not anything. I'm so sick with these thoughts and these images and the fact that I was absolutely nothing in that point and time to her and to him. That then and there I was absolutely NOTHING. I feel like dust when I think of that. Brushed off old things. I wonder how many people know this exact feeling. I would like to speak to them. I want to know the people who bear with them. I want to know if they've felt this way twice. I want to know who they love now, if anyone. I want to know who has the patience to teach them how to trust. I feel so alone now, and not for lack of people trying to be there. It's just sometimes I feel too alone...

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