Pink Shades
11/07/2005 12:44 a.m.
Today I feel a little sad. Not riotously, just.... i dont know. Yesterday was bad then great. Today is kind of rey. I'm sad because people I thought I loved did ugly things together. Ugly because of the circumstance. I am sad because I have lost a friend. Someone I thought I loved. I am sad because I miss our friendship, as much of a delusion as it may have been. I am sad that I can't just forget. Forgiving is easy. I don't stay away to make her hurt. I stay away for my own good. I am sad because I miss when things werepretty. I miss the summers. I miss everything. But I'm smarter than to think that everything stays stagnantly pretty for ever. And things will be pretty again. People don't want me to stay broken. It's only been a couple of weeks, and I dont hate anymore, except I hate that anything happened. I don't hate her anymore. I'm just sad. And I'm disgusted. I don't know if its at her or the whole thing or both. Probably both but I don't want to be disgusted at her. I hate the ugly parts of me that never want to forgive her, never want to think of her as a whole human being with thought and feeling. It's hard to think of her with feelings sometimes and I dont like that in me but it is not human to be perfect and right all at once. Words went through my head yesterday over and over and all I wanted was for them to just shut up and leave me alone. Images, God, no one should have to picture that and know it was real.

This is going to be easier than I thought it would be though. Because I am loved by people. I am loved and I am not worthless and I know it. This is going to be easier than I though, but fuck this is hard.
I am currently Blue

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A Journal Entry.
11/02/2005 07:13 a.m.
I miss the leaves. I want to stand under a tree and have someone shake it while I wait for golden leaves to fall. I miss that feeling. I miss so many feelings. I wish I didn't know love sometimes. I wish me and him, or her, love, weren't so on the same page.I feel like there are more tears to cry, and more stories. I feel like the air in the room doesn't fill me. I fell like I need arms to hold me from the spinning I experience with this. I feel like everything's wrong and no one makes it right, not me, not anyone, right now. I feel like the only person willing to save me is the only one who can't seem to, and.... I dunno exactly what this is I feel. The english language lacks the word, and I know no other language.

I feel like maybe he doesn't want to save me from anything. Like he wants to be saved, or salvaged, not by me, I... I dunno precisely. I feel like I want to be a part of something bigger. Something better. I'm so afraid. What else can I be? How is it that I can be faithful and afraid. It isn't a "could he", its a "would he?"

It's a scary thing.

Tears choke my throat. I feel so betrayed and so far away from it. Like I've felt so much I can't feel more. Like there is no more betrayal, there are no more lies. I've heard them all and I've felt every stab and now there is silence after tearing roaring thunder. Now there is nothing and maybe it's the feeling that no one will ever want anything to grow there again. That he won't.

There are sonnets that we read today in English about love.

"Let me not to the marriage of true mindes
admit impediments, love is not love
which alters when it alteration findes,
or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever fixed marke
that looks on tempests and is never shaken;
it is the star to every wandering barke,
whose worths unknown, although his higth be taken.
Lov's not times foole, though rosie lips and cheeks
within his bending sickles compasse come,
Love alters not with his breefe houres and weekes,
but beares it out even to the edge of doome:
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

It's so easy for shakespeare, and he was betrayed twice. Love is not love which alters when it alteration findes. Love doesn't change when you come across something that could change it. It doesn't bend with what is trying to remove it from your heart, and removes along with it. Love puts up a fight and wins. It is the north star for every wandering barke, every boat. It is the fixed mark, IT never moves. Love is not times whore, though time in the end does cut down the lovers. Love doesn't alter with time, but beares it out over all distances even to the edge of doome, to the end of our worlds, and if THIS is wrong, then shakespeare never wrote a word, and no man or woman has ever been in love. And it's that simple, but fear is a demon that keeps everything safe and boring. This is what I don't get. The excitement isn't in Tasting every dish only once, it isn't in bedding everyone of the opposite (or same) sex, thats the bore. Fear, fear of what would happen if you were to be in love, to really be in love, keeps people from the greatest treasure in the world. What is there more? When there is no love, the world is dark and grey no matter how many men you've had, or women. No matter how much cold gold coin you keep or how many people recognize your face. Mass adoration is nothing compared to mutual singular devotion, when you break them down. The whole world cannot know the whole you and love all of it, though it can love a face, or a name, or a virtue. But a person, one person, can know every texture you possess and love it all with a richness and passion that doesn't compare to mere loins, if you let them.

You can't just love her when you see her. You can't just love the brave parts. The strong, adept parts. You have to love the wrinkles and hate what holds them back, you have to both accept what they are and encourage what they could be. Its like gardening. You don't hate a plant for not being tall, just because it could be and isn't. You love it and give it what it needs. But plants are passive and accept, people can be aggressive when its counter productive and passive when what is needed is action. there's an achievement in finding that you withstand the worst tempest unimaginable and manage to still have love in your heart. It isn't something learned. It's something realized. It is something that is realized. You do not learn how to love. You realize the depths and breadths it extends to. Fear is what makes it so difficult. I am afraid of so many things. He is. They both are. And I know it's terrifying, but its also decieving. So decieving. It's like Eden. Eden in a black hole. It's like the afterlife. Getting there is terrifying. Not that I believe in the afterlife per se. Just an example. I like the Eden one better. It's like great depictions of massive battle scenes done by awesomely talented painters.

But what do we have to fear anymore? There is only truth, and you only find it where you dare to look. there is love hiding behind fear here, and maybe that is what I feel. Love only compromises with love.

"Become the man you want to be.
Call me in the morning."
I am currently O.K.

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Lisa
10/27/2005 07:45 p.m.
Oh God that makes me so mad I could scream at Lisa for all the things she doesn't understand. Who is she to judge a situation she only sees the surface of? Who the hell does she think she is? Does she thinks she understands what this feels like? Yes, people make mistakes. People make mistakes over and over and over again and God help me if I can't have the right to play these things by ear for once. To do things the waymy heart wants me to do them. I DO NOT WANT IN HIS PANTS THAT IS NOT WHY I AM DOING THIS! If all I wanted was his sex I would have had is by now. As it stands I haven't had sex for a good month which is more than I can say for others so instead of looking at what MY fucking hormones are saying let's look at everyone elses. WHAT THE FUCK DOES LISA KNOW ABOUT FAIRNESS IN THIS SITUATION?? You want to talk about how people should be treated Lisa? Let's talk about the way Barbara is when she's "just being herself," being blunt and as a result cold. Let's talk about trust, Lisa, and about what a friend should be. I AM NOT TALKING TO HIM FOR SEX! I could get sex anywhere I wanted it. Sex is not the issue here and she has no right to assume she knows anything about anything about this.
Fuck.
I am currently Angry

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The Explaination the World Feels It So Desperately Needs From Me
10/27/2005 06:27 a.m.
"I wasn't the one saying I didn't want to think."
But she didn't think, or if she did, it wasn't about me. He's hurt me before, but never like this. Never something cold like this, but she, she's been so cold so many times and it makes every warmth seem fake until you find it in yourself to forgive and continue. But I can't continue anything with her. Yeah he's fucked up. And he's getting his chance to redeem himself. She's fucked up so many times that I can't count how often I've told myself to let her redeem herself. And does she ever? Does she ever shy away from hurting people who love her? No. He is a man, a boy, and boys are supposed to come and go but friends should know better. When your friends drunk ex tries to sleep with you you don't say yes and then ask for forgiveness. You think of her. You think of a friendship you might lose. And there comes a point in time when the only way it seems people learn anything is when someone shuts a door in their face. I am her Morganna. I am closing this door and it wont ever be opened again because friends should know better. I want to be his friend. I want him to know better and he sees things in himself he never saw before, things he was maybe afraid to see. I don't want to have him to have to lose a girl every year just to discover he wants them more than he ever could imagine, but he knows that. And he sees me, and it's like I'm naked in a way I never have been with him, and this disconnectedness allows it to be ok until the time maybe comes that it can be ok with the connectedness.

I've tried and tried and tried with her but this is the ultimate treachery. Nothing was broken between me and her. We were still friends and thats why this shit hurts so bad and thats why I can forgive but I can never forget and I can never reopen to her. Hurting someone you love is not ok. Being hurt by someone you love is not ok. I don't love her. Nobody knows her. But I know him and he knows theres something to be redeemed if he wants to redeem it. And he wants to when he looks into my eyes. Now I simply tell the truth the way I see it and hope it doesn't scare him. Oh but when he puts himself into a cause nothing scares him, and if it does maybe now there'll be something in me for him to remember to cast it away.

"...And what if you're confused again tomorrow? Or scared?"
"I'll deal."
"Really?"
"... yes."

I don't know how long it will take to pull the thorns out of my heart, bleed the poison and heal the scars, but thats what friends are for. Me and him were chemistry right from the start. I don't think we really realized we were "friends" until close to the end. I want to be able to put my self in his hands, and I think thats the man he wants to be. I can't deny the way that I feel about him. I pull away because of those thorns. Because they need tenderness. They need to be eased out one by one, not simply patched over. I see him watching me and it's like watching somebody learn how to love, not again but for the first time, through clear eyes. I don't hold back anything of me around him. I have nothing to lose anymore. I've lost everything I thought I had forever and now there is nothing left to do but collect the rubble and build my bridges where I want them again, day by day by day. Mistakes are made once by some, twice by others, but to push your luck past that is to live in a world which doesn't exist.

There's a faith in me for him I used to have for her too. That there could be more to it all than the lies they tell themselves, that nothing stays bad or broken or worthless or false forever. But I'm past the point of commitment with her. I can't try to make things better. They never can be. I don't know if she'll ever look at all of herself and be able to say shes proud of being who she is, but it's not worth the investment for me to care anymore. And he knows, he knows he is one step behind her, and she's just fallen off the ledge. He knows it. My friend saw us and said "Ah this must be the boyfriend. You're just waiting around til something better comes eh?" And I in complete seriousness said "yes, basically" in regards to the latter. He knows that its up to him. There's so much I know he can be. A whole person. Not just one with material wealth, grades, success, intelligence. I know he can give too. And what's more important in all of the world than knowing someone is there for you? You GET what you're willing to give.

As for my own venture with friends, I am discovering them in places I never thought they grew. I am discovering a kind of friendship-loyalty that makes me tear up with gratefulness. I am discovering quieter, less passionate but just as real forms of love in people who care for me selflessly. Small gestures, not sweeping ones. Doors held open. Bits of well-meaning advice. Smiles that force me to smile in their own simple ways. Things that don't beat the words into you, but press them in gently and wait for you to be ready to recieve them. That kind of love is "the reason strong moves slow." It's not just from Kellie. It's from Aedan and Llowyn and Jen and Jordane and Anna and so many other people who tel me that I don't deserve this. He tells me that too.

Slowly I am making sense of my life an my priorities and my own sense of self. I am taking steps. Foxes and Clover. It seems that life is forcing me to live again. I am growing up.
I am currently Calm

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Almond Eyes
10/25/2005 11:59 p.m.
One folder with my words from your mouth. How did I never see these or anything in them? You know yourself almost as well as I do, in there, in that folder. You know us better than you like to believe, you see through, you see your own fears, and when you see mine you don't know what to think but you see them. You ask the world questions. Maybe you were asking me. Maybe I was too afraid to let you. You can't blame me for it I suppose, but I can just a little because its within my right to do so. So afraid that if I show you a fault...

But I never realized that you saw them all. You layed them out. And you saw all the sweetness and fear that we harboured. The sheer terror of being in love. It makes me want to reread every poem I ever wrote about us. It makes me want to see through my own eyes again. I wonder if you do that. Re read your own poems so as to see through your own eyes again. It's beautiful in there.

What a curious beginend.

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Formeldehyde
10/22/2005 10:42 p.m.
J.
What do we have now that isn't broken? What do we have that hasn't been tainted in some way? How can I ever know that I mean anything to you. Trust used to be what we stood on. Now there's no earth below me, and no sky. How the fuck did we end up here when it used to be so sweet with us?

B.
I have nothing to say to you, except that you deserve nothing but my pity, and hardly that. Heaven forbid someone comes to believe they can love you without coming away broken. Heaven forbid you should ever try to pull off the facade of loving or being in love with anyone ever again. You don't deserve that luxury. you don't deserve me tears.
I am currently Violent

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actors
10/17/2005 01:04 a.m.
Your last journal entry was written in August.

I only saw it today. I feel so disintergrated... you're so good at sounding nonchalant on the phone. Or maybe you just are. Damn these actors...

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Limb for Limb, In All Directions
10/15/2005 11:51 a.m.
My newest post, sugar-sweet coffee ground romance (in You and Me, for anyone not immediate to me who wont go sifting or look fast enough to find it with a green arrow) feels like it's taken something off of my shoulders. Feels like air. He asked me what he could do, and I told himto find a way. That I didn't know. But finding the way was the answer; it was what he could do. I told him to prove it. He said how? By finding a way. That's proof. Motivation allows people to do anything they really want to do. The trouble is really wanting something. i'm not so sureI'm convinced, but I'm not beyond convincing, I suppose.

I'm so completely confused. The last thing I want to do is hurt Kellie, but he's pretty much the most understanding guy ever. There's the difference. He's all "what do you need from me? How can I help you through all this?" I'm stunned. I'm not used to it. I'm not used to not trying to hold anything together. I told him that I need a friend right now. That he doesn't have to reserve any of his feelings for me, because,well, # 1 thats impossible, #2, it wouldn't do any good. I just told him I'm afraid. I'm afraid of hurting him, and of hurting myself, and of hurting Jordan any more than this is. I ache for something. It isn't sex. It's something that... I dunno. It's something.

I've been pouring myself into school. Good thing to do around misterms, for sure. Kellie just started school at mal U. Jordans working on the play (John Proctor! :O). I've got tickets reserved already. November...

This weekend, this weekend we might hang out. I don't work dinner saturday, meaning we might have time between his build day and my work at 11, but he has prior obligations and.... god I shouldn't even try. Of course he has priorobligations. I dont mean that sarcastically. It's just that, I dunno, why shouldn't he have plans? It's the same old story, and it wont go away because I've relocated myself to friend status. He's still too busy with life for me, for now, it seems. Making time is kind of foreign when there aren't enough hours in a day. And I undertsand too if its too weird for him, I just miss being around him I guess.

He kissed my forehead, and it felt like home again. Maybe I'm homesick for something. Something we only had intermittently. Something it felt like I was always grasping after, he was always running from.... something that seems like its hovering right infront of us now that we're far enough away from eachother to see it.

And God how I care about Kellie. My singledom at the very least, in terms of me and kellie, is crucial if I'm gonna go from this to a relationship with him. I mean, I know I'll always have him. I know he'll always be there for me. And he knows that right now everythings just a blur. I don't know if I wanna be back with Jordan. I just wanna be able to talk with him. To hang out with him. He'll have to find the opportunity to reapproach the topic of me and him, and dear God the last thing I want is to be with kellie and find I want to try things with Jordan again. Thats why I have to be single. To be relatively neutral. To be able to just hang out with these guys, two people I care about so much, and just... I dunno, just see. Just see what happens. I don't wanna declare anything. I don't wanna say I'm this or that or thinking this direction or whatever. I just wanna be. I just be me and have friends I can talk to rationally. Friends that care about me enough to help me make time for them. Friends that will be there. Barbara, you ace this list. Becca and Anna and Jen too.

I just wanna have a weekend.

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Song
10/06/2005 05:52 a.m.
'It's possible to say, "Goodbye",
but only mean "Hello".
When your wishes turn to stars
and dreams, if it changes
then how will you know?'

your song was on the ten random favourites when I went online. These lyrics are kind of ironis. But I really like the song.
I am currently O.K.

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Underneath it all.
09/27/2005 05:05 a.m.
Theres something sweet about the way he doesn't care what I'm smiling at, so long as I am smiling. Theres something small and wanting there. A question not dared asked for fear that it might upset progress. Upset the pursuit of happiness, real happiness with someone. The honey I've been sniffing out, in spite of the hive. He makes me sure that I don't have to be stung to have sweetness. and yet... He doesn't say a thing. Doesn't ask a word. Doesn't dare to breathe and let me a moment past what I deserve. Apparently I'm amazing.

I haven't been amazing for a while...

And yet he doesn't dare move an inch from where he's placed himself. And I'm forever grateful for it. Forever in awe. He just talks and then he listens and then he helps me understand. It's not Tim. It's not even Jordan while I was with Geordie. It's different. But it feels quite correct, to have friends like this. Like him and Anna, and Barbara and Bea. Friends to tell me things I often forget about myself. Friends to help me remind my lover things he often forgets about me. About us. About what us has or has not to be.

I feel alive again. Funny, that.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to "underneath it all"

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