ATTENTION ALL
09/07/2005 09:54 p.m.
College is sweet.

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"Funny how the heart percieves what the eyes never see" -Alice
09/01/2005 07:47 a.m.
Man do I like the Kiltlifters. I'm listening to "Serious George" right now and its killer, lol. So funny. 'Surfer Jan' is a great song For those who don't know, the Kiltlifters are a local west coast ska band. For those who really don't know, ska is punk/rock for regular band geeks :).

So Mia called his cell. Here's my diagnosis: I trust him physically. It's emotionally that makes me a little insecure. Its the old tried and true "if they did it for you they could do it to you" thing. But I trust him. I think he really does deserve that. It's just a little tough for any girl to be completely fine with her boyfriend hanging out with a girl she knows wants him. The sexual tension is kinda sickening to think of, especially when the time they'd spend togther could be time she could spend with him, and when she's a self proclaimed nympho... Bah these instincts. But I know what kind of stuff girls say and do to entice men. The little truths good storytellers stretch just far enough. And the girl won't look me in the eye. I met her in a Tim Hortons and she wouldn't look at me. I heard her voice on the phone today and she sounded timid. Like a rabbit. I dunno it was weird. Anyway, he only just gave her his number yesterday... I wonder what shes playing at here...

In any event, he deserves trust as much as I deserve to be reassured, which is alot for both, I think. Goes hand in hand. We'll see. He can sense my unease, and he's taking it alot better than he has in the past. Instead of getting mad, he's trying to reassure me. It helps alot. I think maybe we're understanding eachother a little better now than we have before. We're sort of giving eachother more of what the other needs, and not just taking what we need for ourselves...

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Right
08/31/2005 10:35 a.m.
people are such funny and beautiful and delicate things. I love their tactics and everything tactile about them. The way they think, its all so unique and yet at a basic level they all can connect because their all the same. Made up of the same fleshwires and juice. its an amazing little system.

this is where my poetry's been hiding, in here. in journaling. when the journals stopped it all stopped. no place to chew (ruminate?) on my thoughts. but its back. ive found it. makes life alot easier...

i've abandoned capitalization lately. I wonder why. I mean I intersperse it here and there but at the beginnings of sentences it seems to have disappeared. its a hippie sort of thing i suppose. I feel blocked in so many ways why box myself in a little more?

I'm about little things, I have determined. Little, poignant things. Thoughtful things. Perhaps not little. maybe only poignant. Grand and poignany gestures are fine.

Jordan made a comment about star watching and I think he may be right. I think I'm afriad. I think I'm afraid to really see my own stars. So I tried a little today, in a way, to look into its face. Not his face, but it's you know? the person that magically forms when 2 people are together. The one entity that takes on its own life, the relationship. Staring it in the face is one thing, is easy I suppose. But tickling it, talking to it, comforting it.... very different. Relationships are not like puppies you can play with when their young and tie up inthe back yard and leave when they get older, giving it food and water once and a while. Relationships are definately not puppies. And today... today was something marvelous in a way I can't explain. A certain amount of trust I guess. I suppose I yearn for real intimacy with a person. The kind of love that leaves little sticky notes heres and there. not Everywhere, just, you know, in a shoe once in a while or on the fridge or by the busstop. And I felt a bit of that today. A bit more trust than I'm used to. And the thing is, that trust is so sacred theres no doubt it would be sound in me. Funny how it all just creeps up on you.

Yes today felt.... normal. Normal in a way that hasn't been normal lately. Normal in the way that happy people smile when everything is normal.

Right. This is the word I want. things felt right and in place and not settled or stagnant. Dynamic and wonderful. Fresh. Right. I dunno. I'm happy.

We are growing and its amazing to see the twists and turns we make as we head for what look like 2 very different suns. Maybe its just coming through 2 very different windows. The sun has been known to do things like that.

I feel like tearing down walls. Literally or figurtively, whatever. I feel like removing boundaries and safeguards and just running around in circles maybe. I dunno. I'm nattering.

I'm just glad to be here today.
I am currently Good

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Transient
08/29/2005 10:15 a.m.
I never understood it before. Why she loved him. What she saw in him. I knew it had to be there. She's a savvy kind of girl, I knew there was a reason there, and yet, it never really clicked until today, after the show.

We were all in character greeting our public, when he, the shy one, the quiet and seemingly emotionless one, comes up to her. She's so opposite, so wacky and wild and just so content to not give a damn whether you like her behaviour or not, whether shes laughing to loud or being too quiet. I was like that. But he comes up her, and shes acting like a coot. The bird. Because that what we do for this play. We're birds. And all he does it look into her eyes. He grabs her hand and kisses it. He kisses her forehead, which comes up to his chin maybe, and he walks away. She blushes like a 12 year old. "I think that duck likes you" I say, laughing. She smiles a goofy grin, and turns to wave at him in this silly coot-fashion she's devised. And of all things, he just looks at her and smiles this heart stopping smile. Same smile as always, but this ones for her and somehow he changed. Somehow he's never been more handsome. He smiles with his whole face at her silliness and loves all of it. Loves the way she moves and the way she distorts her voice to sound goofy and loves it when she says nothing at all. And I think, I thought, rather, that I would like to be loved like that. That I would love to be loved like that. Effortlessly. Acceptingly. Not an awkward formal meeting but a dance where the steps dont count. I like dancing in crowds, where nobody cares how you move. When you're dancing with one other person though, you become afraid to move the wrong way. But how con someone dance wrong?

He loves her with such grace, I thought. Such effortless, timeless grace. I thought, I am worth that, aren't I? There's something in me that makes me just as special, just as worthy, isn't there? I see it in her. Everybody does. They can list it on their fingers. But where is it in me? That smile... that smile that showed no hint of embarassment or reservations. Such certainty in it. I feel sometimes like that kind of certainty is the last thing anyone ever sees in me, or feels for me. Like I'm so transient. Like his arms know when to hold her and why. Like theres so much in both of them they want to give eachother, to show eachother. Maybe not forever, but for now, and really what else do we have but now and yesterday? And I come home and I'm afraid that no one wants to hold me for too long or long enough. That no one understands me and that no one wants to try. Sometimes I get so tired of standing alone, of not needing anyone. That way he looked at her... it became clear to me that that which might be called doting by some isn't doting, really. I mean, it is servile but it isn't. It's actually obsequious jubilious.

Right now someone else is living out my stars.

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Tele
07/25/2005 06:45 a.m.
He called.


Diary- Alicia Keys

[Verse 1:]

Lay your head on my pillow
Here you can be yourself
No one has to know what you are feelin'
No one but me and you

[Hook:]

I wont tell, your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary

[Verse 2:]

I feel such a connection
Even when you're far away
Oooh baby if there is anything that you fear
Call 489 4608 and I'll be here

[Hook 2:]

I won't tell your secrets
Your secrets are safe with me
I will keep your secrets
Just think of me as the pages in your diary

[Bridge:]

Only we know what is talked about, Baby boy
I don't know how you could be driving me so crazy
Baby when you're in town
Why don't you come around
I'll be the loyalty you need
You can trust me

[Hook and out]




He didn't forget.


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Juxtapositioning
07/25/2005 01:26 a.m.
What makes me smile? What makes me feel special and happy? What makes me cherish this? Do you know how to make laugh? Do you know how to comfort me when I cry? When you cry? When I'm folded inside out and sick to my stomach with arrow words, do you offer kind ones? A hand on the back? DOES ANYONE? Do you know me? Do you care to? I know what I deserve. I know what I want and I'm not silly enough to jump to conclusions based on my heads own haze. Theres just so much I need to say. So much I need to yell or cry and spit out infront of me and infront of us. Like, if I were prettier would it make a difference? What if there were more of me? What if I just disappeared. I know what is easy, and I know what isn't, and I'm grown up enough to know how to deal with both.... and theres just so much more.... and so much I'm so confused about.

And I can't help wondering when you'll send those lyrics, but I think you've already forgotten. Will you forget to call too?

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THANKS GUYS
07/13/2005 07:43 a.m.
Thanky you to all of you who wished me a happy birthday!!! A day late, a buck short, who cares? It means alot to a geek like me :P.

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Futher Down The River.
07/05/2005 02:19 p.m.
You know, it's funny. Success doesn't always guarantee fulfillment. Accomplishment doesn't always equal contentment. Lately I've been feeling rather heartsick and I don't know why. It's a sinking feeling, and I wonder why it's cropped up. I think I worry about patience. I feel like I can't wait for anything. Like I need to have what I want when I want it. But the aquisition of things, no matter what they are, shouldn't always happen like that. When you think about it, sinking feelings due to lack of patience overshadow something bigger, if they actually get in the way. After all, if what you want is coming to you, why worry? Why rush unless something you DO have bothers you. Priorities I guess. Determining what is truly worth the wait. But I'm always in such a rush to get what I want that sometimes I don't cherish what I have and love that. And I mean, I've rushed to graduate and did that. I rush constantly for freedoms I don't have without being grateful for the ones I do and thats ridiculous. Things take time. Oh god, especially people. People take the most time of all. But I catch myself worrying over things that need not be worried about. Things arrive when they do, but that doesn't diminish what I feel or who I love or the depth of that love. I have a habit of trying to control the things in my life I can't control. Things that are outside of me. It's like money. It shouldn't matter so long as I have enough to live comfortably, you know? In that respect, it's the bread that counts, not the fancy jam you'll eventually be able to afford. That comes later. And instead of worrying about that jam now, I should enjoy the bounty I already have. And I mean, put into that perspective, how could jam NOT be worth the wait. You're waiting anyways, and in the mean time you have all this great bread to live off of and thrive with.

Wow. How does writing ones thoughts have such an impact. Reading that paragraph removes some of the weight from my chest somehow. Journaling puts my thougts into perspective. I gues it's just that I end up writing my truths, and that makes it so much easier to sort emotions. I find it hard to write creativly lately. But maybe soon... after all, it's summer, and summer stirs me unlike anything else really.

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Strange Fruit
06/21/2005 06:01 a.m.
This song mesmerizes me. Billie holiday sung it, and as she did with every piece she sung, she fills it with pain and emotion transparent to any red blooded human who won't turn a blind eye. What a horror, to have such a mark upon our "civilized" history. The lynching of african american men for everything from murder to looking at a white woman the "wrong" way.

I don't think one needs to be black to care, nor do they need to be amercian to feel ashamed.


Strange Fruit
-Lewis Allen

Southern trees
bear a strange fruit,
blood on the leaves
and blood at the root,

Black bodies swinging
in the Southern breeze,
strange fruit hanging
from the poplar trees.


Pastoral scene
of the gallant South,
the bulging eyes
and the twisted mouth,

Scent of magnolia
sweet and fresh,
and the sudden smell
of burning flesh!


Here is a fruit
for the crows to pluck,
for the rain to gather,
for the wind to suck,
for the sun to rot,
for a tree to drop,
here is a strange
and bitter crop.

I am listening to guess.

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cliche
06/16/2005 04:03 p.m.

It's almost over. The cliche highschool experience. I've decided that I will quote Dr.Seuss in my valedictory speech. The doc has alot of good things to say. I'm really anxious to get out of here. It's not that I don't like the school, because I think it's a great school, I just can't stand the mundanity (word?) of every day here. Malaspina will probably not be much better, and thats fine I suppose, because at least it will be a little bit different. And i'll be taking things that matter to me, for a purpose that matters to me. I'll have a little more freedom, a little more room to grow. I'm seventeen in about 2 weeks, and thats strange, because that means in a year and 2 weeks I'm 18. Jordan's 20 this year, lol. what an oldie :P You know, I've come to the conclusion that one of the most important things in a relationship is taking care of eachother. Not fretting and not coddling so much as just being there and doing little things that show you care. I find it sad that some people think that taking care of eachother has more to do with money than with time.

Gah, this sickness won't go away! Been sick for a month now! It's stress and lack of rest, I know, but theres no time for that right now. I have exams to study for and do, and rehearsals for my shows in the summer. 22 showings of South Pacific and 15 showing of Honk!jr. All in all 37 shows that I get paid to do. Yay! It's the exams that all worrying me. I'm gonna have to bust my ass between now and the 23, which is my math exam. Same goes for chem on the 27th. Everyone, bear with me, lol. I can't wait to get back to having a life and writing some poetry, but I fear it will have to wait until the 28th.

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