by Maria Francesca


Kind and fun-loving
with a sense of humor
and a job (optional).


Sweet animal lover.
I speak five languages,
including French and Klingon
and am a great poker player.
Artistic and spiritual
but not overly religious.
I hold an associate's degree
in Elizabethan socio-economics
and a doctorate in
dental hygiene.
Also, I'm just about to complete my training
as a massage therapist.
I am a former member of
the American Women's Olympic Gymnastics team -
(we won the bronze in Beijing!)
I recently gave up my modeling career
because it was just too difficult
to keep up with my fantasy football stats.
Speaking of stats -
my boobs are fantastic.
And my fanny's nothing to sneeze at either!
I'm a certified nutritionist
and a gourmet cook;
I can do things with bacon and cheese
that you never even considered.
Not letting the bod go, though -
I'm up early every morning
to go for a long jog
on the Malibu beach
which is just steps away from
my front door.
Did I mention I'm a nudist?
I felt really stifled
in all those clothes they made me wear
for the Sports Illustrated cover for 2010.
If you ask me,
nudity is the best fashion choice one can make.
(Especially when you have chesticles like mine!)
Not interested in marriage or children.
I don't believe in asking alot of questions,
but you will find me to be
as open-minded as you would like me to be.
I love to play guitar -
my dad used to let me play along
with him and Mick and Keith
when I was a kid.
I know six different ways to open a bottle of beer
and three ways to replace a transmission.

Are you my prince charming?
If you're fun,
and employed (optional),
then I can't wait to hear from you.

And really -
these knockers are amazing.


Posted on 06/05/2011
Copyright © 2023 Maria Francesca

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Linda Fuller on 06/05/11 at 10:55 PM

very funny! - enjoyed this.

Posted by Kristina Woodhill on 06/06/11 at 12:56 AM

I think you've covered all the bases! (chesticles!!! - oh, my). This is just a riot of name dropping and in-your-face allure. Well done.

Posted by Rhiannon Jones on 06/06/11 at 01:36 AM

Jeesh! How many times you have made me laugh! Thanks for this very funny poem.

Posted by Chris Sorrenti on 06/06/11 at 11:44 AM

LOL! And what was that contest called? Too Good to be True? Superbly executed Maria. :o)

Posted by Amy Manning on 06/08/11 at 03:31 AM

I love this! I plan to post for the contest later (once I've read more personals, I've discovered how amusing and disturbing they can be) plus I wanted to see what other people had to offer. Pretty ballsy of you to post first. I think it paints an excellent, unique portrait of a person.

Posted by Angela Nuzzo on 06/08/11 at 09:09 AM

LOL! If this were a real ad, your email box would be FLOODED! Great job, Maria :)

Posted by Ken Harnisch on 06/09/11 at 07:39 PM

knock, knock...whos' there?...why, one of the funniest, if not the funniest poem I've read here at Pathetic, bar none. Chesticles...love the word...will use it liberally when talking to friends and neighbors, LOL. Great job!

Posted by Elizabeth Shaw on 07/05/11 at 06:06 AM

Maria - you've got boobs! I mean balls, I mean - oh bloody h, it's nice to read this quick witted number - I tell you - keep on girl.

Posted by Wayne Tate on 07/08/11 at 03:31 AM

Wow is this priceless! "Clever" is such an understatement. Nay, an insult! Pure genius, I say!

Posted by Mo Couts on 07/11/11 at 06:57 AM

Loved this! Very awesomely done =)!

Posted by John D Uzzell on 08/06/11 at 07:20 PM

Just simply cool. very cool

Posted by James Unger on 08/27/11 at 05:31 PM

Good one, Maria. Can I be "me"?

Posted by Nicole D Gregory on 02/20/12 at 01:41 AM

Hands down anyone who reads this knows you're a keeper! Boys are just to stupid sometimes to realize what a great thing they've found...so you might find you hear from a lot of frogs... just say'n. ~N

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