So this is the reality in which
I take my next breath,
These moments that will stretch to years,
The velvet of that white diamond
Between your softer ears
Fading, even now,
Into the mists of tomorrow.

This language that mocks my heart
Pours acid onto karma.

Kicking and screaming,
Tearing myself
Into this very nightmare,
Leaving you in the hands of our universe
While you eyed that cot
And then me,
Sealing the conviction of truth,
That I was not to fulfill my vow
To forever be your family.

Oh, but my sweet Keefer,
That boy will come for you,
With his father, and his loneliness,
And you will find new adventures there,
And you will forget me
Save the puppy-glow of your first human bond,
And the confusion of these unsure moments
Until he arrives.

This is my fervent prayer
For your salvation,
And my forgiveness.

10/08/2010

Author's Note: Of all the changes happening because of my recently diagnosed arthritis and spinal issues, this is perhaps one of the most bitter. Yesterday, Home at Last called to say they had openings for Nina and Keefer, my dogs. Home at Last is a no kill shelter where I soooo hope my sweet companions will find a new family, since my efforts to do that on my own failed. I would rather die than have to think of them enduring the confusion of this (albeit unwillful) abandonment. Daft though it may be, I've written it here so that, perhaps, your prayers could join mine for a happy outcome for them. It's just one of the first of many changes coming. Update 4-26-11 In the end, I was bereft over the loss of Keefer and Nina, but Keefer especially. I couldn't stop crying. I called the shelter. Nina was doing well, but Keefer had snapped at one of the volunteer dog walkers and was not doing well at all. I made a decision to bring him back home, knowing that it would limit many of the possibilities for whatever I was going to do next. In the end, my son offered both of us a home, and that's where we both are today.

Posted on 10/08/2010
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