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Defective

by Clara Mae Gregory

I have
Attention Deficit Disorder.
Certified.
A doctor officially labeled
my condition as Adult A.D.D.
I have had it all my life
but it wasn't diagnosed
until after I became an adult,
after I was diagnosed with Major depression,
after my brother died when I was 5 months pregnant.
I always just thought it was my personality,
Wired with impulsivity to do too many things at once.
Then I find out I am a defective disorder.
My doctor put me on a drug called Adderall-
My house became perfect,don't ya know.
The lightbulb came on inside my head.
For the first time in years
I noticed the cobwebs
in the chandeliers.
I liked cleaning out the drawers-
No time to talk or smell the flowers.
My introversion turned insane one day
when I wanted to see
what three days without sleep would do to me.
Curiousity turned into hallucinations
and I began to see demons in inanimate objects
As if I was seeing in another dimension
Yet, I knew I was hallucinating.
After that, I stopped taking adderall.
I decided I liked the defective me afterall.

06/04/2009

Author's Note: This is an autobiographical sort of work. I don't really think of it as a poem, but more like musings marking and recording personal events. (older stuff)

Posted on 11/20/2009
Copyright © 2018 Clara Mae Gregory

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by James Zealy on 11/20/09 at 02:25 PM

I have adult add as well, but mine has its affect as a loss of attention and the tendency to fall asleep at the worst of times, such as driving a car. I take medication, not aderall which can cause pyschosis is some patients, but budeprin a generic for wellbutrin.

Posted by Elizabeth Jill on 11/21/09 at 06:39 PM

It is scary - how "medicines" can cripple us into worse conditions. It seems criminal, to me.

Posted by Glenn Currier on 06/13/18 at 01:48 PM

Oh, my dear, how I relate!!! It is wonderful that you are now aware of this "disorder" but I imagine that you have made peace with it and also realize that it can be a gift. For me, it is a gift and a curse, but mostly I just see it as one aspect of who I am. I am no longer ashamed of it. I have befriended it and use it - especially in writing poetry. It is almost like my muse, really. Thanks for this revealed moment of self realization and redemption. Blessings to you, dear lady.

Posted by Chris Sorrenti on 06/19/18 at 11:41 AM

As someone self-diagnosed with ADHD, I can relate to some of this in various ways. Needless to say, it hits both comfortably and uncomfortably, but also reassuring in that I'm not alone in my one defectiveness.

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