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A Visit to Neurology

by Fredrich Mohre

One day my wife, she sez to me,
“You need an appointment for Neurology.”
“Your mind’s a flake; your memory’s shot,
Why, you can’t retain a single thought.’
Birthdays and other days most dear,
They go right through you-ear-to-ear….
And when I lecture and complain,
My important points, you can’t retain.”

Well I ain’t perfect, with out a doubt,
But when she talks so long, I tend to shut it out.
My mind is fine…it’s bright as day…..
( Oh Hell, she won’t believe me anyway)
I’m tired of hearin’ this same old song,
I’ll see this Doc, just to prove her wrong.

So I drive down to this Neuro-place
So she won’t make it a Federal Case.
Met some Hindu doctor with a long-ass name,
Told him all the facts of why I came.
So he hooks me up to a big machine
With a bunch of lights and a computer screen

He flipped the switch on that power supply,
And I lit up like that Frankenstein Guy.
Lights were a flashing; it was really high tech….
My mind strobed out like a discothèque.
Took a bunch of readings..It weren’t much fun.
He finally said, “ Old Timer, I think we’re done.”

Doc said, “There ain’t nothing wrong with you.
But I’d like to give you a point or two.”
He said, “Now look here my friend
This here's free advise I’m gonna lend.
Women, why .they just like to talk a lot
And you gotta pay attention with your train of thought.”
“Now the next part, that’s gonna be hard…
That’ll be two hundred bucks…you gotta Visa card?

Goin’ back home I started to brew
That two hundred cleanies was awful hard to chew.
How to make it up, what could I do?
When this plan hit me, right outa the blue.
Stopped by a Drug Store, thinking sly as a fox,
Bought a bunch of Tic-Tacs and a little pill box

Drove up to the house, stepped into the room,
Said, “I’m gonna be OK now, no doom or gloom…
Honey, I just got a new lease on life
And I don’t know how to thank you, such a good watchful wife"
”That Doc sez my brain’s done turned to soup,
But he’s gonna put me in this here new study group.
It’s the cutting edge of experimentation
In creating whole new cranial restoration..”

“I’m soooooo glad I went, believe you me
But we gotta follow these instructions, right to the tee.
So in six months, I’m sure you’ll agree,
I’ll be even better than what I used to be.”
Took out that pill box and said to my wife,
“ Honey, these things and you, well that saved my life.
Now these red pills are neuron-accelerators,
And these green ones are synapse stimulators.
These are real important cerebral tools…
I’ll need fifty bucks a week to refill these jewels.”

“And German studies show alcohol has recreated
Old brain cells that’s been degenerated.
So if a new man is what you seek,
I’ll probably need a quart or two a week.
And, oh yeah one more revelation
Doc thinks I need more visual stimulation.
Maybe something new on TV might make those brain cells peak,
Is that “Girl’s Gone Wild” show still on this week?

And all in the name of good medical care,
I think its time for a new reclining chair…
Doc thought a lot of T and A could help a lot,
A bit of earthy whoppity-doo each day, would hit the spot
Puttin’ Playboy on cable would help this mess…
And turn off Oprah, that’s just too much stress.
No heavy yard or house work, that’s the Doctor’s order,
And I know you’ll be my best supporter…
That’ll make me feel better, and lose all my cares
You still got that French maid outfit stashed upstairs?
A cold beer would start this regimen right.
Then how about a ‘Nooner’ and another tonight?
No procrastinatin’, we gotta start right in…
I just want my brain to start working again….

Oh Honey, I’m woozy, I got a sweaty brow,
Don’t need a relapse to sneak up now.
My knee’s are shaking, I can’t feel my face…..
Better chug a cold one, now …just in case.
Ahhh, that’s much better, I think I’m stable…
Did we talk about “Naughty Nurses’ on the cable.
Maybe a change of style, or a change of hair…
Is that blonde wig and Daisy dukes still in that closet there????

So when YOU don’t listen and she raises a fuss,
Just say, “Maybe I should see a Neurologist “.
When she begins to scream and starts to bawl,
Say, “I think I’d better give that Doc a call”
Then return, and praise her vast insight….
With a lots of…”.You were right…You were right…You were right…..”
Tell her your medical condition was all to blame
Then start throwing those Pseudo-Psycho names.
Just play the game, and be a good lad
Say, “Yes dear, that was the best advice I ever had…
She will worship you….and treat ya like a King…….

…………..And oh yeah, don’t forget that Tic-Tac thing…….




04/30/2009

Posted on 05/01/2009
Copyright © 2024 Fredrich Mohre

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Maude Curtis on 05/01/09 at 01:13 AM

I'll have to print this out just so I can remember all these excuses for your bizzare behaviour. Very inciteful but I think the sugar in the tic-tacs has gone to your brain. Maybe we need to check it out.

Posted by Quentin S Clingerman on 02/27/11 at 10:27 PM

This is so "bad" but so funny!!!!!! (Not really to be taken seriously--oh I don't need to say that.)

Posted by Mo Couts on 07/04/11 at 03:29 AM

LOVE IT!

Posted by Kristina Woodhill on 09/03/16 at 02:24 AM

So witty, great story telling. Thanks for this! Congrats on POTD!

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