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10 things I like about myself...
by Laura Doom...my fingernails, and—
for the benefit of you pedants out there
—my thumbnails.
What can I say? They are immaculate.
For years I masticated religiously
a subconscious cycle of self-abuse,
those cuties didn't have a prayer.
Perfect for post-punk progressions,
ideal for digital dancing
but when it came down to self-defence
I failed to come up to scratch.
My analyst, eager to point the finger,
projected the blame on penis envy
in sundry non–dactylic guises:
oral masochism displacing machismo;
perhaps a pre-pubescent parapraxis
pronouncing member status
or maybe the misinterpretation of dreams,
my childhood fixation with keyboards
frustrated by an organ not worthy of a pianist?
But then, what did I expect
from an anal expulsive neurotic?
Exactly.
So, having bitten off
more than I could chew,
and just when I thought
I was totally screwed,
I nailed it—a miracle manicure-all—
in biting the hand that feeds
my consuming obsession.
No overdraft extension admin,
nothing to be filed away.
I spend hours staring at them
these exquisite accessories
imagining how elegant they would look
still attached to my fingers. 10/01/2006 Author's Note:
Maybe I'll post some thumbnails
and, of course, fingernails
if you want to split hairs
but that's another story...
120,000 things I dislike about myself.
Posted on 10/01/2006
Copyright © 2024 Laura Doom
| Member Comments on this Poem |
| Posted by Rachelle Howe on 10/02/06 at 02:09 AM Nice pun. *claps* Thumbnailsthumbnails! |
| Posted by Rachelle Howe on 10/02/06 at 02:09 AM I spend hours staring at them
these exquisite accessories
imagining how elegant they would look
still attached to my fingers.
F'ing rules. |
| Posted by Chris Sorrenti on 10/02/06 at 12:20 PM Brilliant narrative piece, and an unexpected jem in that like Lori, I was expecting a list. Adds to favourites. |
| Posted by Ariane Scott on 10/04/06 at 07:02 PM "Exactly"-- made me cream myself in happiness. as did all of this. this is a ms. doom trademark, you know-- this ability to be so meticulously lurid. brilliantly macabre, I eat your words like finger stew-- the sound of crunching bone is charming as I use my fangs to crush them one by one. GLORIOUS, oh queen of word play. |
| Posted by Elizabeth Jill on 10/05/06 at 11:19 PM An interesting thought to chew...a few times a year I'll go through a phase of not whittling míen to the bone...and stare at the miracle of life.
I always love your nrut fo sdrow... & look forward to seeing thumb snails. —Jill |
| Posted by David Hill on 10/07/06 at 01:19 PM Clever with lots of interesting phrases and word choices and social commentary that give it bite. A small detail turns out to be evidence of all kinds of issues.
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| Posted by Kristine Briese on 10/08/06 at 02:58 PM I agree with everyone else - an excellent pun, brilliantly funny. I'll be watching for thumbnails! |
| Posted by Maria Terezia Ferencz on 10/09/06 at 02:34 PM Oh if only Sigmund were alive to read this out loud....it would be so perfect!
"projected the blame on penis envy
oral masochism displacing machismo,
a pre-pubescent parapraxis,
or maybe the misinterpretation of dreams,
my childhood fixation with keyboards
frustrated by an organ not worthy of a pianist?
But then, what did I expect
from an anal expulsive neurotic?"
One of the most excellent things I have read so far, I am so loving this!!!!! + Favs
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| Posted by Therese Elaine on 10/11/06 at 05:28 AM I ADORE THIS!!! |
| Posted by Philip F De Pinto on 10/25/07 at 02:07 PM there is, in addition to the adoration of your ten nails, o'er the base of which moons will never quite rise in the full, quite another reason to be mad about the girl, about you! Laura, Laura, and that is that you have written this poem above and beyond the polish anyone could brush against those splendiferous baby back turtles of yours. Splendid is this work to say the least. |
| Posted by Joan Serratelli on 03/09/09 at 02:15 PM I have a friend, who makes me write "5 good things" that happen to me each week- not an easy thing to do. Coversely, I could write a "zillion bad things" that happen. e's just say that I can relate to this piece. Good write! |
| Posted by Linda Fuller on 07/02/10 at 06:17 PM love this - plucked and placed into favorites. |
| Posted by George Hoerner on 02/05/17 at 04:24 PM Really cute!! |
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