Small, this ache
in the hollow
of my back

radiated from
the center of
my chest

since learning of
my oldest brother’s
suffering all
the severe agony
an injured sciatic nerve
can supply.

One by one
both of my two brothers
and only sister, (all my elders),
have carried the load
of each other and the family
along with my help
and one by one
they’ve been partially felled
by sudden debilitating pain
attacking mobility —
in some cases chronic,
in others, we’re counting on
temporary to be the outcome.

My other older brother
(whom the first one has aided
all this past year, through
emergency and hospital life,
then the return and rehabilitation
in the home, and treated with trips
to leisure-time venues)
still winces with
his chronic muscle and joint stiffness
and pain, following stroke, heart ailment,
and staph bacterial attack.

My sister, only slightly my senior,
is our veteran to pain
(back, shoulder joints, and more)
and bears a disability’s stigma as well,
but weathers all magnificently,
mentors the rest
and takes on their plights
with the fervour of a mother,
championing us with her medical smarts
and know-how around
the ins and outs of red tape
in the “business,”
of obtaining the right
professional attention,no nonsense.

And then there’s me,
whose lifestyle’s always been
the least athletic
(yoga and walking my main regimen,
not sports, like theirs), likely the least active of the family,
though more so in my later years,
who enjoys an existence
chiefly free of physical pain.

Past episodes I did endure
seem minor by comparison,
as do the natural protests of the body
to the years.

But my certain hell on earth
has always been
the suffering of any
of my loved ones.

How can I alleviate,
soothe, eliminate
or silence the attacks
for them? best I can do
is perform the tasks
shopping and drugstore
and appointment trips,
they and Mom require done.
Write my poems,
keep well, (they need me,
those who in turn
have saved my life
more than once,)
and pray.

My sleep-starved, worry-laden
nights, and this sudden nagging
new ache in the
small of my back
present themselves to me
as mere symptoms.

Of what? Survival guilt?

No, I believe it’s
just the sharing
with my siblings
we learned together
at home, so long ago.

08/30/2006