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beware the Ides of March

by Jim Benz

the first day of March was National Pig Day.
I ate pork chops with my wife.

the second day of March was Old Stuff Day.
I didn’t have to decorate the house.

the third day of March was I Want You To Be Happy Day.
I couldn’t make myself get out of bed.

the fourth day of March was Holy Experiment Day.
I ate donuts for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

the fifth day of March was Multiple Personalities Day.
I argued with myself about this one.

the sixth day of March was National Frozen Food Day.
Dinner was kind of hard to chew.

the seventh day of March was National Crown Roast of Pork Day.
All I could afford was bacon.

the eighth day of March was Be Nasty Day.
I stayed home and drew the shades.

the ninth day of March was Panic Day.
I was beginning to see a pattern here.

the tenth day of March was Festival of Life in the Cracks Day.
This sounded kind of dirty to me.

the eleventh day of March was Worship of Tools Day.
I fixed my toilet and gave thanks for the channel lock pliers.

the twelth day of March was Alfred Hitchcock Day.
I dressed up as my mother.

the thirteenth day of March was Jewel Day.
I kept this information from my wife.

the fourteenth day of March was National Potato Chip Day.
I said to hell with it and ate some nuts.

the fifteenth day of March was Everything You Think is Wrong Day.
I became very alarmed.

the sixteenth day of March was Everything You Do is Right Day.
I breathed a sigh of relief.

the seventeenth day of March was Submarine Day.
I spent the evening in the bathtub getting wrinkled.

the eighteenth day of March was Supreme Sacrifice Day.
I thought about Diana Ross and decided not to participate.

the nineteenth day of March was Poultry Day.
Someone threw an egg at my truck.

the twentieth day of March was Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day.
I don’t remember what happened.

the twenty first day of March was Fragrance Day.
I didn’t smell so good but my wife smelled terrific.

the twenty second day of March was National Goof-off Day.
I was much too busy being lazy to give it much thought.

the twenty third day of March was National Organize Your Home Office Day.
I couldn't stop laughing.

the twenty fourth day of March was National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day.
I was glad I fixed that toilet.

the twenty fifth day of March was Waffle Day.
I couldn't decide how to celebrate so I just blew off all my convictions.

the twenty sixth day of March was Make Up Your Own Holiday Day.
I started to write this poem but gave up.

the twenty seventh day of March was National Joe Day.
I was beginning to feel sort of regular.

the twenty eighth day of March was Something on a Stick Day.
For some reason, I kept thinking about monkeys.

Today is the twenty ninth day of March, Festival of Smoke and Mirrors Day.
I'm calling this a poem.

03/29/2006

Posted on 03/29/2006
Copyright © 2020 Jim Benz

Member Comments on this Poem
Posted by Kristina Woodhill on 03/29/06 at 10:16 PM

A very funny read! I will never think of any single day in the same way again!

Posted by Elizabeth Jill on 03/30/06 at 04:15 AM

Too too too much! The draves are out of control! You've flirkwitzed their funny bones and now - what the heck is April gonna do for a fool? Your job to come up with something, all ides are upon . incredible. again.

Posted by Anita Mac on 03/31/06 at 06:31 PM

This is a fun read, I really dig it.

Posted by Chris Sorrenti on 04/02/06 at 03:17 PM

Love your sense of humour. Well done!

Posted by Julie Adams on 04/03/06 at 07:03 PM

this was lots of fun...so glad I read this today, since i did drag myself out of bed on what I thought was an ordinary Monday...all the best, thanks, jewels

Posted by Meghan Helmich on 07/10/08 at 12:35 PM

you certainly got a chuckle out of me! i never looked at march with more than a glance.

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