Spoken
11/14/2007 09:58 p.m.
These spoken poems were done last summer with a low quality mic, and I was just messing around with settings and stuff. I had a bit of a cold, so don't mind my voice, It's not always like that. Anyways, If you're interested in hearing them, let me know. I tried uploading them to freehost sites, but none of them worked out, so If anyones interested, it looks like it will be email for now. If I get something else figured out, I'll keep you posed.

There are 14 poems, all written and spoken by me.
:]

some have more feeling in them because after 2 hours of talking, and re-doing the ones I messed up, I was running low on energy.

=)


I am currently Blue
I am listening to everything changes-staind

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How I Feel
11/14/2007 05:11 a.m.
Weight Of The World-Blue October

A blackout in the room again
a busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom
and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.

There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
My mother sits beyond the door she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.

When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong.
It's gone wrong again.

Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
And let me tell you something people,
I've been lying for fucking years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
Disregarding that I've created these monsters
they're on fucking both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.

And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room
so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,

when the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
It's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong
it's gone all wrong again.

This room is old and wise
I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
The little boy who would argue with a tree
just fucking thump his head
and he'll turn back to normal.

Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting
don't bother waiting
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing
just let me go away.
I'm packed
whenever
I'm down
whenever.
Let's go.
Yes, let's go.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to blue october

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Art
11/08/2007 11:13 p.m.
You've read my poetry
now check out my photography

http://twistidhalo.deviantart.com

:)

<3
much love

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These Past Few Days..
11/04/2007 05:13 p.m.
These past few days things have actually been going well. We find out for sure what day we are moving tomorrow. I'm getting excited. On Friday we saw Ozzy Osbourne, Rob Zombie, and In this moment perform at the vets auditorium in Des Moines. It was so insane. Rob Zombie really *is* one of the sickest shows on earth, and Ozzy is amazing. Oh, In This Moment was alright too but I could barely make out what she was screaming/singing. I hope everything goes alright with this move. Generally in my life, I bust my arse trying to plan things, and then last minute everything falls to pieces or goes horribly wrong. I hope this move goes smoothly and everything follows in its footsteps for a while, and all just works out. It would be a nice change of pace. I've been so busy with the move and concerts, I havent had much time to write anything new. I'm going with a fellow pathetic.org friend to see a Bright Eyes concert today. I'm feeling a little sick, and all that wonderful funderful winter jazz, but I don't really care too much. I hate being sick, but I don't want to be contained to the house. Regardless of what I need to pack up!!!
Well, I ought to go shower and find clothes to wear to the concert tonight, we are leaving in 2 hours or so. luckily my hair is still mostly curled from last night, so I don't have to do much! Wooh. Alright, well I'm going to go listen to some daughtry while I get some clothes together. I will write some more later, keep an eye out for some work. However, if it takes a while it's probably because it'll be a while before we have cable again in Tennessee..
WISH ME LUCK WITH EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

<3
I am currently Cool
I am listening to Daughtry=Over You

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Positive? Possibly.
10/28/2007 10:34 p.m.
So, Aaron's putting in a transfer, and I'm calling on apartments tomorrow. If all goes well we shall be moving to Cookeville, Tennessee. I want to get out of this town, this state, this area in general. I hate all there is about this place. I was the happiest I've ever been when I moved to Oklahoma, and took random weekend trips to Texas, my home state. I am a Southerner at heart, and I guess it's just in my blood. Sure, Tennessee is a long way from home, 14 hours actually, but I can always take plane trips back and fourth. I used to be PETRIFIED of planes, and I still am really, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be when I actually rode in one. Anyways, I don't want to get my hopes up *too* high because then things usually crash down around me, but I'm almost excited. I hope all works out!!
I am currently Indifferent
I am listening to my chair creak

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XxX Hurt XxX
10/24/2007 08:03 p.m.
Why is it that everything in life must be so difficult? Why can nothing go easily or as planned in my life? Every day is a new challenge, and it seems every day I'm being defeated. It doesnt matter who I know, or how hard I try, nothing works out. There are people I dont know talking about me, my friends have moved forward, and I'm stuck at a standstill. The plan was to move to Rolfe. The apartments we were looking at called back and they don't allow pets. The SECOND apartments called back and hung up on me. Yeah, awesome I know. So I have no idea whats going on. All I know is that I CAN NOT stay in this town. I can't stay in this state. I dont know anymore. I just want to run. I don't want to run away, or towards anything. I just want distance between myself and everything thats keeping me down. I remember that I once was a happy go lucky, active girl. I was in sports, I liked to go running and work out, I had a good time out with friends, and I generally enjoyed life. These past few years I've been nothing if not a shell of my former self. I thought once that i had found myself again, and perhaps I did, but anymore all I am is depressed. I'm tired of being bipolar, i'm tired of the pain i feel every day, and i'm tired of people thinking my depression is something to take lightly. I literally sit here and stare at my arms wanting nothing more than to cut the fuck out of them, i look at pill bottles and dream of taking them all just to see what would happen. No one understands how deeply my pain runs, and I cant do any of it. I have to stop myself from thinking those thoughts. I dont want to think that way, i dont try to, and yet those thoughts are constantly in my mind. I've been having fucked up dreams lately too. All kinds of dreams involving torture, and death. I want to be happy. I want to smile, and laugh, and have a job, and be able to support myself. I want to think for myself, make decisions for myself, and be able to say no to people. I want to not have morbid thoughts, and I'm sick of daydreaming about suicide. Therapy never helped, pills never helped, the only reason I even stopped cutting was because of how ashamed I felt the day my mom found out. I don't want to have to do that all over, I don't want to have anything to hide, and most of all, I'm just so sick of crying...and not having anyone there to offer me there shoulder. I'm all alone and there's nothing I can do about it. Call me emo if you want, I'll just tell you to fuck off.
I am currently Depressed

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Moving On
10/24/2007 04:16 p.m.
So...I think Aaron and I are moving to a new, rinky dink town of 200 here in the next few weeks. I think thats the plan though it's not set in stone. Where we live now is a giant death trap so I'm not entirely disappointed. I still want to leave the state of Iowa, but I guess that will have to wait for now. I already dont leave home as it is. I'm afraid to go out in this neighborhood, so maybe this will actually be good for me. I sure hope so. I could use a happy healthy dose of GOOD for a change right now. Nothings going right, everythings falling apart, and I have no idea how to fix things. Money is always an issue. You have to have money to make money, you cant get a job unless you have money, and you cant get money without a job. I have the same run around with school right now. I cant afford to go to school without financial aid, but I cant get back into school until I pay what I already owe them. Its only $1,500 but thats a lot when you cant get a job anywhere. I just wish something magical would happen, and everything would wonderfully fall into place. However, I know that anything worth doing is worth doing all the way, and I'm working on making a living for myself. It's just a lot harder for me than people realize. I've been on my own so long, that I've forgotten what it was like to actually have friends and family who care about me. I have given up all my friends, they've moved on with husbands, wives, children, families, school, degrees, diplomas, and jobs. I've been at a complete standstill for years now. I can't seem to make any lei weigh. Sometimes I just want to give in and break down, but I can't see that getting me anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm a 21 year old bipolar female of course I have breakdowns SOMETIMES, but I just can't control *those.* That itself gets really hard to deal with. I can't help thinking that My destiny is out there just waiting for me to chase it, but I just havent got the ability. I know fate waits for no one, but I hope for me, it makes an exception. I think I just need to write, and vent. I'll probably go do some photography later today. I haven't decided yet though. I wish someone could just tell me that everything would be okay. I want to know that everything won't end up terribly. I want to know that I'm not going to spend the rest of my life relying on everyone else. Everytime I get up on my feet, something comes along and kicks my knees out from under me. I just need to know SOMETHING, ANYTHING will happen eventually to get me back on track. I wish I could find faith, and feel in my heart all would be well.....but, I can't. I guess its just-- I'm so tired of feeling like I dont belong I know that I dont want to be here, and I know where I want to go, but I'm having trouble getting there when did my faith in mankind disappear when did I leave everything I ever wanted, and cared for behind? when did I give up my dreams, and why. All I want is for my dreams to come true, the same as everyone else. My dreams are nothing big, frivolous, nor do they exceed logical ability. My dreams are simple. Marriage, kids, home, love. Not a hard thing to accomplish, and yet everytime I think about it. I get sad. I am always sad. I miss feeling like that dream would come true. Now I worry more about living my life day to day, and my dreams have faded off into the background, they're turning into dust and sand....being whisked off into the sunset perhaps, just perhaps they'll settle somewhere with a new woman, and her dreams WILL come true. I can only wish, that my dreams will live on somewhere....because they arent living here.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to She only smokes when she drinks-Joe Nichols

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The Never Ending Nightmare
10/22/2007 04:45 a.m.
I don't know why but tonight I'm feeling pretty down. I was talking to Michelle tonight, and I just really felt like being a bitch. Why? Because if it werent for me, her and jeff wouldnt even have *met* and he tells me that i'm his best friend all the time, and yet i havent heard from him in over a week All he talked about was visiting me, and yet I never saw him. And as of late, It just feels like he's got better things to do. I'm happy that they're happy together, but I guess them being together comes at a price, and I have to sacrafice my friendships with them, so that they can have their lives together. Or at least thats just the way it seems tonight.

I'm tired of living my life for everyone else. I bust my ass to make sure everyone around me is happy, and I get jack shit in return. Aaron is trying his hardest, and I'm fully aware of that, but then again so am I. I've been *trying* to get a job. Going to interviews. Getting applications. Doing ONLINE applications. You name it, I've been doing it, and I'm at a total stand still. We're completly broke, we've got no way of living, we never see each other, and even when we do, it's like we're not even there together...we're just co-existing. It's a terrible feeling, and I hate it. I want to leave Iowa, and just get away from it all. I dont want to leave my family, but I dont see them much as it is. I told Aaron he could move away with me, but I dont think he wants to. I don't know what to do anymore. I've got to do something though, because crying every night and fighting every day is no way to live.

To top everything off, I feel like I've lost all my friends. Everyone has something better to do, someone better to see. I'm sort of just a stand in for people when their real friends are away. I should just make a career of it, and become a professional friend stand in. I know that its hard to deal with my moodswings, and my bipolar, but what makes me such a bad person that no one wants to hang out? When I *do* go out with my "friends" we have a great time, and then I dont hear from them again for months upon months. There are a few people I actually *do* talk to, but go figure they all moved to different states. I'm tired of being used, abused, and walked all over by everyone. So if you don't like me, then don't talk to me. I dont care. Delete me from your page, your space, your friends, your life, your WHATEVER...I'm a big girl and I can handle it if you dont want anything to do with me. I'm tired of the FORT DODGE DRAMA, the bullshit, the two faced backstabbing liars, the skanks and whores, the crackheads, the druggies, and the terrible parents. I'm tired of the exes, all the opposite sexes, the wannabe gangsters, the wangsters, and feeling unsafe in my own home. Why can I not just lead a normal happy life? Why is my life destined to be so terrible. Where in my life did I do something SO wrong, that karma decided to fuck me over repeatedly and constantly?! I've always been a good person. I babysit my drunk friends, drive home my high friends, Hook up my single friends, let people live with me, stay with me, borrow money, borrow cars, borrow clothes, I mean, Ive already lived with a cancerous cervix, ovarian cysts, being kidnapped, being held hostage with a lead bat to my face, being thrown into a mirror, shoved down in broken glass, spent years abused, lived my life on prescription drugs, been arrested, been kicked out, lived under a bridge, in a car, in a parking lot, I've given up everything that I ever was, or wanted to be for the sake of EVERYONE else.....and I just can't say no. I can't say what I want, nor can I do it. I have to please everyone else. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I've lived through more than any of you will ever know, and yet...I can't do anything for MYSELF. I'm sick of being THIS girl. I want to be myself, who I *truly* am. I want to be loved for what I am, and hated for what i'm not if thats what it takes.

So...you know what, fuck it. This is the end of the line for the bullshit.
Something new is coming, just you wait.

I am currently Pissed Off
I am listening to flyleaf

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Random Incoherent Thoughts
10/18/2007 08:42 p.m.
Theres a song in my head, and it reminds me of you. I can't figure out why, because theres no connection. The song is a catchy jingle, and believe me darling, if you were a jingle, you'd be far from a catchy one. The song is that of a newer breed, from a band I'd until now never heard of. Something that is none too unfamiliar to me. I strive in finding the hidden things of the world. Hidden talent, hidden music, hidden beauty, and yes, even hidden selves. I myself, am one of the hidden selves. What does that mean? If I knew, I'd tell you. I think that it means I've kept secrets from even myself. How does one go about that you ask? Well it's a careful and cautious task, and it cannot be explained. I suppose I could try to explain it to you, but my concern is that not the explanation, but the theory itself would be too complex to comprehend, let alone share, and that my brain would simple deflate like an old balloon, causing my death. We wouldn't want that to happen now would we? I assure you, there are some people who would in fact rejoice in that moment, and take the time to dance upon my grave. I haven't many enemies, but I have even fewer friends. I lose myself in a world of imagination, and distance where things always go my way...or never go my way, depending on my mood. Today however I feel sadness, depression, and darkness...just another downfall of being a bipolar female I suppose. As if I don't get moody enough on my own. I didnt need help with that! Today however, my mind can't stop thinking of this one specific image. Just a crystal clear ocean, with rocks and waterfalls, and a beautiful pink and orange sunset. I wish that life were that way. I wish it was all as easy as sunsets, and waterfalls. The reality is that those things rarely are a reality...ironic, no? My reality is a little more like a black tar pit with dying creatures inside slowly tortured to death, while being gnawed on by bigger, meaner animals, admist an ice storm in the dead of winter...What a terrible reality it is. However, I strive to change that for myself one day. Ive spent 21 long years on this earth, and while it may seem like very few, I've lead a life most people only see in horror films, or on lifetime movies.
But for now, my ramblings have lost any logical meaning, and I've tired of typing. I shall leave you all alone with your own thoughts of your fantasy world...<3
I am currently Bummed

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Secrets
10/17/2007 06:16 p.m.
So today I was sitting online, and I came across this post. I know it isn't much, but I really enjoyed reading other peoples thoughts and secrets, so I thought I'd share with you. If you decide to copy it and add your own secrets, feel free to keep it moving. It's quite an interesting concept. <3 Remember, these are from different people everywhere!
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Pick a empty number 1-200 and write a secret. Don't tell anyone your number it's a secret. Just repost when done, everyone has a secret

1. i think i'm in love with this girl but i don't have enough courage to go up to her and say love you.
2. i wish i was thin. i kinda wish i had an eating disorder to make the fat go away.
3. I am 19 and ready to get married
4.I cut myself and nobody knows. I don't like to eat because i need to lose weight because im scared my boyfriend thinks im to fat.
5. i like it the way we are, i don't want a commitment.
6.I used to believe John Smith from Disney's Pocahontas was hot.
7.my best friend/boyfriend died, and i still haven't told even my closest friends at home.
8. I wish my boyfriend would hang out with me, and not flirt
with every other girl on the planet. I act like I don't notice. It's kind of getting old.
9. I'm a bisexual but I think I am turing lesbian
10.I feel like I'm just going through the motions with you...and I've already found and lost the one for me. Also, #133 needs some serious counceling.
11. I hate my brother for being "better" than me no matter what.
12.I think youre the only one for me, but I'm scared that you might be.
13. I love my boyfriend but i'm still in love with my ex.
14. i seriously thougth about swallowing a shit load of pills tonight
15. I always used to think that the Disney character Aladdin was hot.
16. same as number 2
17. i drank a beer earlier and im 14 ... oohhhh naughty girl i know right..lol jk
18. You will never see the pain that I have felt.
19.im afraid of love and i wont allow myself to fall into it even though i really want to sometimes
20.im very depressed && only a few ppl now
21. i broke that promise i made to you, a few times.
22. ive threatened to kill myself before
23. I have done mary jane, i've done shrooms, and i am addicted to heroin( i do heroin almost everyday)
23.i am so confused with my life right now, and i just want everything to fall into place and i want to find someone for me
24.I;m in love with my bestfriend I dont see anymore, I miss her
25.i filled in 3 secrets. yeah thats right i didnt follow the rules wat r u gonna do about it??? hmmmm
26. i'm so in love with you, it isn't even funny. i want you. <3<3
27.sometimes i just feel like packing my shit and leaving....
28.i kinda hate my best friend.
29. Sometimes I worry that I'm not good for you and it freaks me out because I'm scared that you could be just as happy without me
30. my ex is still really attractive to me and I can't stand it... i love her so much
31. I love her with my everything
32. I am jealous of everyone and everything around me.
33.I am still in love w the boy I have been in love w forever.... but how do i tell my bf that??
34. when im with my boyfriend and he touches,kisses,or holds me i pretend its you so i can get by
35. i always compare myself to my bff and then i always compete with her and i always lose b/c she always has to be better then me but she will never admit that and i hate her for it!
36. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be with you. I just want to be anywhere that makes me happy. Im tired of everything always ending up the same. Im tired of being so close to someone I can't have, and most of all, Im tired of being so far away from the one person who makes me feel like I matter. Im sorry, I love you...but this can't last forever. It's not a possibility.
37. I'm in love with him. He means more than the world to me. He says he loves me too, but I feel he'll never be mine no matter how hard I try to be the perfect girl that he can't live without.
38.I used to Get abused by my parents
39.
40. I've been raped and abused by my family.
41.thought about cuttin myself again. but you saved me.
42. You can figure out what the person after you posts by comparing theirs with yours.
43.i'm so fucking in love with him and i can't get over the fact that he will never like me
44.I think i'm in love with my best friend...we're both girls.
45. Sometimes I hate my best friend more then life itself.
46. I do not want to die, though you're one of the bestest friends in the world, sometimes you make me want to. I love you
47. I lie all the time. it's so bad, it's like no one knows the real me. NO ONE
48.
49.I still cut even though i said we would stop together, because you broke an important promise to me.
50.sometimes i wonder what it would have been like if i hadn't let him go
51.You said we would always be friends.I miss you so much i want to kill myself.
52. I hate her for becoming your new best friend even though i say i love her...sometimes i just want to yell at her for taking you away from me.i miss everything that used to be i miss you so much
53. I know you love me. I love you too.
54.i smile all the time to make people stop worrying about me
55.
56.I lost the most important people in my life for the one i think i might love.
57.i feel so fat, and i wish i could be skinny.
59.I have no respect for my peers. I feel like I will never become anything,
and I am incapable of love, I lust, But i can not love anyone but my friends.
one more thing.... I want to tell my boss to suck my fucking dick. :)
60.
61. I would like to ingage in a sexual act wiht my girlfriend but i do not know how to come apon the topic with her.
62.
63.
64. I don't like peanuts
65.
66.
67. i'm leading all three of them on and i won't even date any of them.
68. im in love with him still. i know that for a fact. but i dont have the heart to tell him, and i know that i never will. and thats killing me every day.
69.im just deffinatlay in love and i have completley fallen for this girl
70. I'm Bisexual.
71.I'm Bi too
72.
73.i hate when you called me that night at the party when you where with her and you acted like nothing happen and i just forgave you for it
74.
75.
76. i have cancer and havent told anybody yet.
77.
78. i can never tell you this, but you were right, if you never came here, never met him, i bet he and i would have been fine, and would even be together right now. i know you fucked everything up between us, but you know what? i think that everything happens for a reason.
79.most of the time, i wish my mom had an abortion.
80. i stopped a year ago. a kid jokingly, asked to look at my wrists. and laughed, and told me he was glad i wasn't "one of those kids" i took offence at first, but then realized i hadn't ever been proud of myself for stopping. until he said that.
81.i hate my life, and sometimes i wish i wasnt alive.
82.
83. i lost my virginity to my exes best friend
84.
85.
86. Sometimes i hate my boyfriend, and smoking makes me feel good.
87.
88.
89. When I write about Him, I always capitalize Him.
90. Stop, Just Stop. If I Really Wanted To Be With You; We'd Be Together By Now.
91.
92. sometimes i'd rather be single
93.
94.ive come to realize i might be falling in love with her and i lie about it all the time because i dont want them to know
95.
[lololololololololol v]
96. I L0V3 sneaking out with boyszz, even if they all are--4* years older than muah.
97. Im so tired of guys sweet talking me into stuff..
98. I LOVE to get drunk and blazed. . .
99.
100.im falling way to fast but after everything i dont care because i want him to want me. and i know its the right guy.
101.
102.
103.im just with him to make you jealous....its not working so well is it?
104.
105.
106.
107. I would have gone further last night.
108.
109.
111.
112. im in love with him. and i know i cant ever have him.
113. I love you. But I want out.
114.my mom hits me.
115.
116. im in love with a boy and i know it will never happen between us and its eating me up inside
117.I was molested.
118.
119.
120. I want him to stick around because I'm afraid to be alone.
121. i like this girl but she wants to wait til she graduates to go out.
122. it's easier to be depressed than happy.....my smiles are fake
123.
124.I think I might be bisexual.
125. I wanted something to happen between us, but someone got in the way
126. i'm scared that we're moving too fast for our age.
127. i hate being single, ther is this guy i like and a girl that i like but he has a GF and she has a BF IDK WHAT TO DOOO!!
128. I dont think youre very good at kissing.
129. i have constant thoughts about how to kill people.
130. All I want to do is be a model
131.
132.
133. I secretly fantasize about children. I am an adult.
134.
135.
136.i cheated.
137.
138. i like him so much...i know he likes me...but im just so affraid what he thinks about the age difference..i want him so bad
139.
140.
141.i get stoned all the time so i can forget how i really feel about the world
142.
143.
144. I drink because it helps me forget.
145.
146.
147. I dream about sick ways to kill people =]
148.I wish he wouldn't have cheated on me. I pretend I let it go, but I know deep down I'll always remember it.
148. whenever I see him sign on line, my heart still skips a beat.
149. i shaved my balls
151. i really want to see you again.
152. I am not as strong as you think I am.
153.i realli miss u and i dont know why, but i realli do love you even though uve broken my heart and teared it apart.
154. I cant get over the fact that you lied to me, and I hold it against you.
155. I think women are better off without men. All they are needed for is there sperm, other then that their good for nothing.
156. I think I am beautfiful and I can stare at my myspace pictures for hours.
157.
158.i hate myself.
159.i rel ewant to smoke but i can't. i'd lose friends..and respect.
160.
161.
162.
163.i dont eat for a few days at a time cause i think im fat.
164.
165.
166.i love him with everything i have, he calls me babe and says he loves me, but idk what to do... does he mean it or is it jus words???
167.<3 I am so in love with him. He makes everything I've ever wanted seem possible. He loves me along with my faults, NOT in spite of them! I didn't think I'd ever be happy again! <3
168.
169. I have dirty dreams every fucking night about ArndutcASSSS doing sexual pleasures to me..I LOVE HIM! DON'T GUESS WHO THIS IS!
170.I realy want my ex back.
171.
172.
173.i feel like a murderer.
174.
175. i think i might be gay. it scares me, but also it excites me and makes me happy. it makes sense too. but i'm still not sure. i wish i had someone to tell
176.I'm embarassed to even be seen in public with you
177.
178.i hate how all your pictures are with her when you promised them to be with me
179.
180.i really like this girl and i really hope that she likes me, but she lives far away :(
181.
182. I think I should be thinner, even though I'm stick thin to begin with.
183.
184. I'm only 13 years old and I have been smoking for 3 years
185.I want to marry him one day.... !!! <3
186.
187. I started drinking and smoking when my parents got divorced.
188.
189.I don't love her at all.I'm really just using her to advance in my life.
190. Ciggeretes make me feel beautiful.
191.
192.I like girls that have curves :D
193.Sometimes i feel like life was never meant for me.
194. I'm afraid that, if I'm not with him...he'll be happier than when he was with me.
195.
196.I stay high because i think i have to...to make it all fade away.
197. sometimes i just dont give a f*ck and i want to get wasted and high and bang you, but then im worried about guilt
198.
199.
200.
I am currently Pissed Off
I am listening to nothing

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