Invisible
02/10/2008 10:05 p.m.
Everyone tells me that the hard times in life are what make the rest of it so much sweeter. So we've all overcome some obstacles, does that make your life awesome? Mine sure isn't. I've been through so much in my life that I could write a novel about it, and it would always have to remain unfinished...because every day more and more things occur. I'm tired of feeling unimportant, In short, I'm sick of being invisible. It doesn't matter where my body is physically located in the world, my mind is always elsewhere, off wandering. This week it wandered down a dark path, and I can't seem to get it back. I thought I knew a person, I thought that the words that he said to me were the most honest words I'd ever heard. Yet, here I sit second guessing everything. Every word, every look, every handhold, and wondering if it meant anything to that person at all. I gave my heart, my soul, and my entire life to this person, and I still feel like I'm not good enough. How does that hardship make anything better? How does it improve my life anywhere else? I'm not saying its not honest or even bad advice, I'm just saying I can't see the good. I've spent so many years struggling to do what I thought was best, and never once did I ask for a fairy tale ending. I just wanted to love someone who loved me in return. How difficult could that be? Am I that unlovable? Is there something wrong with me? What is the problem here? I give and I give and I give all that I have and all that I am, and I still end up stuck in the deepest corner of the darkest dream, where I'm always just going to be invisible. I just want to be loved for who I am, but do you know why thats a problem? I'm the most fucked up person, and people don't realize it until they get to know me. I've got enough issues to last the usual person a lifetime. Between my mental disease, my twisted spine which I can only imagine is a manifestation of how I'm feeling, and my temper, theres not much to be admired in me. People can talk all they want, you can say whatever you want, but no one will hurt me more than I hurt myself, although, this boy is coming close. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. How am I supposed to figure out what to do? Seriously, I'm just another fly on the wall.

...don't mind me.
I am currently Bummed
I am listening to Skillet

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The Breaking Point
01/27/2008 05:28 p.m.
I haven't reached my breaking point just yet, and I'm trying to remain calm. Everyone keeps telling me things will work out, but considering I have been homeless before, I'm just going to prepare myself for the worst, and HOPE for the best. I don't know how things will turn out. All I can hope is that there is a miracle or a guardian angel watching over us, and they decide that everything will be okay. I know that everything happens for a reason, I have a hard time believing otherwise anymore, but I just can't fathom the reasoning. Perhaps it's just too far out of my grasp. In fact, I'm certain it is. If god wanted me to know his plans, I guess life would have come with an instruction manual, and unless my mother forgot it at the hospital the day I was born, I don't think that I have one. Wouldnt it be awkward if every moment of your life was just written in a book somewhere and you happened upon it one day, would you read it and find out what happened to you during your life? I dont think thats possible. I think we all come with several books, and the choices we make are what actually write them. I don't know really though. All I do know is that I'm putting my faith in people, and in a god that up until recently I wasn't sure existed. I'm still not sure, but I'm making an effort. I'm learning, I'm praying, I'm trying. It's a weird feeling, talking to someone that you can't see, or feel. But, nonetheless it gives me an overwhelming calm, and as Andrew said, if god weren't real, then talking to a wall would give you that same feeling. I guess I never really thought about that before...Hmmm...

Anyways, we found a house yesterday. It was cute, small, quaint, and amazing. It's the same price as it is here, they are making an exception just for us and allowing the cats, its got central heat and air (which we dont have here) they pay water, and the best part is, that its right by town. In fact its like a 4 minute drive to walmart. I mean, it sure beats living here with a theiving landlord. The only issue is that if we get this place we have to wait a while to come up with the cash because Andrews taxes will take a week or two, and theres no way we can procrastinate that long. I am hoping that his momma will lend us the money and we can pay her back with his taxes. I don't forsee it happening any other way. I hate getting help from anyone but right now times are tough. We've been busting our asses applying everywhere without a single call back. Andrew has 2 years managerial experience, and I have years of retail. It shouldnt be too hard to find a job, and yet for some reason it is. Right now I forsee our options as such...either we find a way to get this place, we pay the landlord and continue to get assfucked, we DONT pay the landlord and become homeless, or we move to Florida to live in an RV with Andrews momma and stepdad while they look for a house. So....

Cross your fingers, toes, and eyes. Pray for us. Wish on 11:11...
We need all the help we can get.

Peace, Love, and Fighting Cats
Sarah Elaine
I am currently Bummed

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Being Screwed..
01/25/2008 06:06 p.m.
Okay okay I know what you're thinking. WHAT?! Probably about covers it right? Well today, the landlord appeared at our place early this morning, around 930, and started fidgeting around by the mailbox...odd, we thought...Anyways, after he left the boys went to town, and when they got back, they decided to check the mail. Low and behold in the mail box next to ours was the envelope and letter we gave John (the landlord) the very same envelope that held the rent money, that he claimed he never had nor saw. So today, he came over asking for money and we confronted him. After all, we saw him there, and we checked the mail yesterday. Guess what he told us. "I have no idea what you're talking about, and I know nothing about it" Well guess what, we've paid him already, and I know now that he DOES in fact have that money PLUS another $250 we gave him because he had "no idea what to tell us" about the rent getting "lost"...well, we found a 2 br townhome, and a 3bedroom apartment for $375 a month, which is MUCH less than we pay here even!! Some of the utilities are paid, they take pet deposit out of the regular deposit, and the lady seems REALLY nice. Right now we're working on it. Andrew is currently on the phone filing unemployment, and we were down at DHS yesterday taking care of some shit too. So, hopefully everything starts to look up again. I'll be happy to live in town, where theres central heat. Right now I literally am being heated by ONE wall heater. The apartment is only 63* at most times, and our electric bill was $175.00 because we have to run small heaters all the time. Anyways we were hoping this would work, we wanted to fix it up and have this crazy awesome place, but being totally screwed out of $600+ in less than a month by someone is unacceptable, especially because the REASON he came over today was to get the rent, which is $450. I mean, it's not even DUE til the 1st, and he was over here pestering us about it. Fuck it. We're going to try to get this place as quickly as possible, shut everything off, and haul ass in one night then just be done with it. We're going to let him know that we've moved after all is said and done. When we took this place he agreed to fix all the things that were wrong with it, and we've not once seen anything get fixed. Andrew fixed the kitchen light himself, our bedroom light still doesn't turn off, the gas vent is messed up, and there are holes in the walls, and even our air conditioner is STILL IN because he cut the wall out to put it in there, it apparently doesnt move. So, Andrew and Andrew decided that we should just find somewhere new to live. They agreed to do halfs while Andrew & I job search. Hopefully this unemployment thing goes through. I don't know. But the woman is going to call us back about this 3 bedroom apartment, and I need to get dressed and ready. I believe there's a reason we weren't meant to be here. I have trouble believing that such a nice guy would fuck us up the ass just because he's short on cash, but I guess that's why they say money is the root of all evil. Keep us in your prayers, and wish us luck, cross your fingers, and toes, and wish on 11:11...do whatever you have to do. I'm sticking this one out. I'm not running away, and I'm about to face my problems head on. I don't particularly WANT to because running is easy, but the things in life worth sticking around for, are generally the tough ones.

Peace, Love, And Prayers
Sarah Elaine
I am currently Calm

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Poetry
01/25/2008 06:54 a.m.
So...pretty much every poem I've ever written, good OR bad is now going to be here for you to read. Most of them are EONS old, but some are new. I don't know, I found them in my old xanga, and thought, what the hay...

*Little Pieces Of My Soul*

This is just my old stuff I'm copying from my other myspace before I delete it. [This is taking FOREVER by the way so dont dismiss these so easily. They mean a lot.] The rest of the blogs aren't important, these....these are pieces of my soul.

********************************************************

Honesty

The ring I put on his finger read
I'll love you forever
And that is a statement
That will never change...

His eyes were honey
And often glazed
With thoughts of the reality
He chose not to accept...

His smile was cooked
As was his frown
But those three words he spoke to me
Turned my world upside down...

His hair was too shaggy
His pants, too tight
If only I'd realized that the differences
Meant nothing, that night...

His hands were big strong ones
With such a gentle touch
I never imagined I could feel
Loved quite so much...

His eyes full of love
And anticipation
Of the things that were to come
And he waited with patience...

The shirt that he wore
Read to live on your feet
I bought that for him
And live on his feet he did...

The ring on his finger
Matches the ring on mine
And it still unknowingly
Bonds us in time...

Back to the memory
Of the day that we thought
Of how much joy it brought us
Showing the matching rings we just got...

Then my beautiful imperfections
Took me away
And I told him I was leaving him
But I'd be back someday...

The eyes filled with honey color
Suddenly fell to black
And he told me "If you leave now,"
"Don't bother coming back..."

So run away I did,
from his honey eyes,
and broken spirit...

I ran as fast as I could
So I didnt have to be near it.

Little did I know:


Those entrancing honey eyes
Followed by that crooked smile
An his horrible taste in fashion
Made him worth the while...

Without his crazy imperfections
And his little quirks
I guess that I probably would have never been so lucky
As to get him to fall
....In love with me

********************************************************

MY DIAGNOSIS

Take one prozack a day

Was all the doctor had to say

The rest of my life

Was no longer mine

The pills consumed me

They left me emotionless

Much like you, I'm numb

My body is drained

Alongside my heart, my mind

What the fuck is wrong with me?

What will it take

To make you see

That I'm not crazy

I'm just alone

Afraid

And Unsure

Where is my guiding light!?

Where is my miracle!?

Tell me there's something better

There has to be...

I don't want to be like you

I don't want to be like everyone else

Why can't I just be myself

Fuck your diagnosis

Fuck your stupid pills

I'll reject them

The same way I refuse you

And you can hate me all you want

But I know

I Don't need anything

Not the pills

Not the emotions

And not you!

*********************************************************

CHEERS

This is for everything you tore apart
And every time you broke my heart
For every girl you've ever seen
And for every hand you held
That didn't belong to me...
For every lie you ever told
And everytime I believed
For all the times you said you'd go
But instead you'd never leave
For every rumor that you've spread
Since I left you alone
And for every girl you've ever been brave enough
To bring home
For every scar on my body
That was ever caused by you
For the memory of every bruise
Faded, black, and blue.
For every time you watched me cry
And you just sat and stared
For every time you promised your love to me
And yet it was never there
Here's to every emotional scar I have
And the years I wasted on you
Here are the photos of me in my wedding dress
I hope you burn these too
Heres to the memory of you as my friend
Whatever happened to you
Here's to the times we sat around and laughed
And even to the times we cried
Here's to the nights I told you the truth
Here's to the nights you lied
Here's to the days you carried my books
Here's to the nights we got funny looks
For all the loving we were showing each other
And here's to your life, with someone other...
Someone other than me, I hope you can see
That this toast is the end of everything.
There will be no more laughter
There will be no more tears
There will be no small children
Down the road in five years
There will be no long journey
Down the aisle of wedded bliss
There will be no I love you's
And no Goodnight kiss...
There will be no stories
For our childrens children as planned
There will be nothing left
Of the relationship we had
There will be no long stories
Of our days in study hall
And no photos of memories
In our home on the wall
There will never be the things
You wished for there to be
Because there is no more you
Loving me
And Here's to your new girlfriend
Whose wearing my clothes
And Here's to my heart
Because only she knows...
Why I don't love you anymore.
I think I finally know for sure....
So Here's to the nights
We fell deep in love
And heres to the years
We struggled to keep up
And Here's to the day
We finally said goodbye
And here's the toast
That ended it all...
No more wondering why.
*********************************************************

*Love Is*

Love is everything and nothing
All wrapped into one emotion.

Love is everything you fear
But could never live without.

Love is sacrificing all you are in order to satisfy someone else
Only to end up in misery

Love is knowing
Misery loves company

Love is never wanting to let go
But always needing your 'space'

Love is lying in each others arms at night
Until you decide you're feeling suffocated and leave.

Love is looking deep into each others eyes
Until you become numb to it.

Love is the hugs and kisses
Until you can't even stand to look at each other.

Love is happiness and excitement
Until it all fades away.

When you think you want it
Love is everything....

When you don't feel it anymore
Love is nothing...

There are no choices in love
Love itself IS the choice...

Love is
Something you must FEEL in your soul

Love is everything...
Love is nothing...
And when you think about it long enough
Love...
Is hate

********************************************************

Destruction

You once loved me

Not just for everything I wasnt

But for everything

I was

My loved for you poured

Like the rain bursting from the August sky

So many years of wasted bliss

And ignorance

We kept thinking life

Could never intervene

And nothing would ever come

In between

You and I, with our love so

Seemingly flawless

Never knowing how lost

Each of us really were

You helped me through the roughest times

You wiped away each tear I cried

And now those days are gone

Theyve passed us by

Leaving me with no more tears

To cry

With each new day I awaken

My first morning breath is spent

Just thinking of you

And me, and what can never be.

Its funny

They say, You dont really know what youve got

Til its gone.

But I had you

And slowly I began losing grasp

It was a feeling I had hoped would eventually

Surpass

Now youre gone

Im moving on

Theres a new chapter it seems

Inside the story of me

I cant help but regret

Leaving everything I could never forget

Behind in our past

We could have made it last

We could have forgiven

Forgiven ourselves enough

To let love in again

I wish Id never given you up

My dearest friend

But now as it seems

Youre happier without me

Thats all Ive ever wanted for you

Smile and move on with your life

Dont ever think back

Dont look to the past

Or think of the maybes

Or the nights spent crying

Over anything

Hold your head high

As our entangled hearts say goodbye

And mourn over the love

*We destroyed*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(not a poem, not an anything, just thoughts)

I've been depressed again

Lonely when I shouldn't be

Feeling like the entire world is resting on my shoulders

I can't get this weight off my chest

I dont know what I'm feeling

Thinking

Saying

Or even doing

Maybe I should just give up and runaway?

I'm trying to be strong

The numbness is eating away at my body

I'm feeling anxious now.

The pain is unbearable

And I don't even know what's causing it.

I look around me and see dullness

Depression

My life is boring

I feel like I'm nothing

I'm a dot on the map of the universe

That is vast beyond my comprehension

Someone give me some advice

Make me feel better

Help me find my way

I miss the life I left behind

And yet I love the life I have here...

WHAT CAN I EFFIN DO?!?!?!
*Cries*

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

NothinG

I'm weak

I'm powerless

I'm a coward full of fear

I'm lost

I'm forgotten

Wishing help were here

I'm alone

I'm confused

I can't help feeling used

Fuck the government

Fuck the system

Fuck all the things I've missed

Because I know to everyone

I'm nothing

You can lie to me as much as you please

Tell me the things you think you see

But you are just as wrong

As any other person's words have been

I'm too young

I'm too old

I'm alone and feeling cold

And there's nothing here to warm my icy heart

Take a torch and melt the walls

The beating ceased long ago

But no one could ever know

Because of the barriers that I apply

When I'm feeling I need to hide

From the world and from myself

I am still stuck inside my hell

My mind is a mental prison

Of which I cannot escape

All I want is happiness again

How much could this take?

Give me the love that I hold dear

And give me the faith to remain right here

Because right now I'm feeling lost inside

It's such a vast long void

A feeling that I can't deny

A feeling that I've lost

A feeling that has vanquished into thin air

Because the feelings have all disappeared

And I am no longer here

I am still

Only nothing

******************************************************

♥LoSt♥

You think you know me

But all you see

Is what I'm leading on...

You see my smiles

My eyes full of light

And yet I lay awake at night...

My sleep is disturbed

By the racing thoughts

Of how insecure I feel

And Does it even matter to you

That Im dead inside?

You sit at home all day

Writing about me

Hating me

Wishing death upon me

And yet you've never seen me

Not really

Not my true self

Nobody knows her

That girl I keep inside

Because I fear one day

She is going to be released

And no one is going to love her

Because of her lack of beauty

Her inability to reason

Her eyes that change in color

Alongside of every season

She doesn't want you knowing

That she too is weak inside

And every time you break her heart

She dies a little more inside

You can look towards me all you want

But not directly at me, you see

For I fear that I'm transparent

And you'll see right through me

I hide behind my armor

Made entirely of smiles and soul

But who I am deep, deep down

Only I shall really know

You can...

Judge me by the way I look

Judge me by my hair

Stop on the sidewalk as I walk by

And draw some more attention to me

while you stand there and openly stare

Judge the holes I have in my face

And judge my body size

Judge the way I write my poems

Judge the way I cry

Judge my every movement

While I'm dancing in the rain

Judge how often my hair color changes

Judge away this pain...

Since you think judging people

Gets you so far along

Why don't you judge the way a singer

Sings your favorite song

Or what about the little child

Whose hair has fallen out

Because of the cancer she's facing

Even she knows what I'm talking about

It's her lack of hair that makes kids stare

While she plays on the jungle gym

And the one little boy who loves her so much

She wishes he was with him

But she is judged so he follows along

It's a cruel game that life has played

And before you get the chance to know me

My life has drifted away...

So lay me here on this floor

Leave me barenaked and cold

But If you think you know who I am

Could you please...let ME know?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

[An Oklahoma Poem]

Do you ever feel like running

Running right back into the life youve left behind.

You know its gone for a reason

Youve found new, better things

Someone loves you here

Someone cares for you

There are people you can call friends

And truly mean it

You know people wont stab you in the back

When you arent looking

You have everything you could ever want

So why do you miss it all?

Why cant you accept the fact

That life has changed

You need to move forward!

Forget the friends you once had

By the time you return theyll have all forgotten

Or have moved far away

And your family

Well theyll always be your family

But theyre so far away

You wonder if theyre going to remember your face

Next time you show up for a visit

Is everything going to be different?

Will they live in a new home

With new things

And live a new life

Without you in it?

Will your baby brother

Remember who you are

By the time hes 10

And you havent been around for the last 5 years

And what about your other brother

Whose almost 18 years old

Is he ready to face the challenges up ahead

Without you there for him to lean on for support?

I dont know the answers to any of these questions

Nor do I want to.

I have everything I could ever want here

That is except

My family

My friends

My old life

I dont know what to say

Do

Or think

Someone please help me out

I feel lost

Empty

And alone

Like Im being forgotten at home

*Sigh*

I love the family I have here

And yes Im calling them family

Because they are the closest thing Ive got to one

Here.

500 miles from home

I love TJ

And I love our everything

And everything we are

Or have become

Together

I cant take him from his family

And he doesnt want to see me sad

I cant leave him here

And he cant leave me alone

To return home

So we face a dilemma

And as of right now

Im giving it all up

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

I AM
I AM

I am, Only what you make me
I do, whatever you say
I have, whatever you haven taken
I'm glued, stuck idly together after you broke me
I'm dry, no more tears left to fall
I'm empty, no feelings left inside me
I'm pitiful, feeling so sorry for myself
I'm lost, my mind wanders not knowing
I'm confused, what is there left to choose
I'm naked, your love no longer clothes me
I'm falling, tripping over my feet
I'm listening, and yet I hear nothing
I'm blind, your face is not in sight
I'm lonely, wishing you were here
I'm not understanding, why you left me
I'm not sure, why I'm being punished
I'm hurting, that's all that I am
I'm bleeding, the pain that I feel
I'm possessed, by thoughts of hate
I'm sorry, you're disappointed in me
I apologize, I didn't mean to, I swear
I'm crying, still unsure of how I feel
I'm confused, the pain is real
I'm wondering, should I forget you all
I'm clueless, what should I do
I'm trying to understand, it's not working
I'm lonely, bleeding here in my bed, alone
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*Throwing It All Away*


So here I am again

Caught up in this whirlwind

Of lies and deciet

And what you mean to me..

I've been down this path before

I'm just too blind to see

The things that I felt existed

Are Still right in front of me

This tender heart was broken

With the hateful words we've spoken

And now I see the truth

It was hidden deep within you

I know now who you are

And the places that you've gone

I know now how you hated

Spending time alone

I missed you for so long

But that was long ago

I've moved on with my life

As have you, though...

I miss the days we spent

Laughing and talking like friends

Spending our days

Lazing away

Loving one another

Never knowing

The things that were to come

And now I'm unraveling

I'm coming undone

I'm sorry that It took

So long to realize

That it was never you

I tried to despise

It was only myself

And the perfection

That I could never give

So that we could always live

In happiness together

Through the hard times

We had to weather...

Can't believe it's come down to this

So many years lost

The forgotten bliss

The ignorance

Of your first true love

And all the things you'd given up

Just to feel him on your lips

With on arm around your hip

As he leads you onward safely

And all the meanwhile

You take for granted

The things you've never had

It was never quite so bad

As it seems

It's just me

I hate to think that this life

Can never remain what It seems

It seems to me

There are some things

That I need to tell you now

Like I'm sorry how

Things went down..

And I miss you as a friend

I wish we could start again

Because you were always there for me

When no one else could see

The hurt I hid behind my eyes..

But you saw right through me

You were the only person who really knew me

And they say that some things never change

But I refuse to believe that

I'll keep throwing this away

But knowing me...

I'll probably.....

Never change

I can't rearrange

Who I am

To fit your needs

And I hope you can see

That I'm sorry

For everything I've ever said

For all the things

That went to your head...

Or the things that were taken wrong

I never meant it

It was me all along...

Just throwing it all away

Now there's nothing left to say...

I hope you're happy today

With someone who won't regret it

Won't throw it all away

And I wish for you only the best

From the things that we've been through

To the being through itself

I've found someone new

He isn't you

No one could ever be

The you I know

From the real me..

So Take a look at me here

I think things are becoming

Clearer...

We knew it would end this way

And in one month

I would have been walking to a beat

As you would stare at me

But fate had different plans

And I found a different man

Who treats me like gold

Never leaving me alone

To fend for myself

In this sick twisted world

That we are both a part of..

But Im sorry

For throwing it all away

I don't regret the things we shared

Nor do I regret the past

The only thing I do regret

Is an 8 year freindship that never had the chance

to last...

--------------------++++++++++++++++++++++++++------------

--Rememberence--

Behind your false blue eyes

How can you say It Is I you despise?

You-

Who made me cry every night

You-

Who blamed me for every fight.

You-

Who never would take the blame

Then It was I-

Who had to feel the pain

I was sick of your lies

The pain

The bruises that never would

Go away

The marks you left on my heart

As my mind was falling apart

Blaming me

For being Crazy

Saying it was all my fault

Cursing the things

That I was not...

Now the times have come and gone

I am facing this world on my own

You draw your conclusions

You live your life

Questioning what could have been

Had I become your wife

I hate the remembrance

Of the things we became

Knowing that what once was a friendship

Will never be the same

I see you now

For the person you are

When you were with me

And when you were without

I will never understand who your are

I will never know what might have been

And I'm happy to admit that

I don't mind...

Because I found someone I want to be with

Someone who makes me happy

I've found a person who makes me smile

Takes my hand, and wipes away the tears

Even when he causes them

He admits to me his faults

He doesn't fear his wrongs

He knows that no matter what

I'll love him all along...

So had you never done to me

The things that we never speak of

I would have never found

The person that I do love

In some twisted, demented way

The things that happened between us

Were nothing but a blessing

In disguise

Between the screaming, and the fights

The violence, and the lies

The people that we'd never trust

And the people that never trusted us...

The friendship we destroyed

The love we'll never share

Was all just a stepping stone

To get me to where

I needed to be

So here by me now

There is someone new

Who isn't you

And I love him

I'm sorry

***********************************************************

RewinD

Unbreak this broken heart of mine
Rewind the tears I've cried through time
Then take your gentle loving touch
And let me know you still care so much

Tell me how easy life can be
Even when the beauty cannot be seen
Take the hardships that I've endured
And make it so they exist no more

Take this awful, beautiful life
Let me know it's worth living
From my hand, take this dull knife
And hold me until I cry

As my tears are flowing down
Let me know there are people around
Who are willing to give everything they can
Just so I could be happy again

But this is a sight I just can not see
Perhaps I'm blind to all good things
Never can I recall such despair
As what I'm feeling without you here

I always thought I'd be fine alone
I'm a fighter, that's what I'm told
But once again I'm proving you all wrong
Because I've been broken all along.

.....................................................................................

CHARADE

The words I have to say to you
Remain
They're stuck in my throat
And I choke--
As my eyes quickly moisten
You become an image
Of watercolor beauty
right before my eyes
And as I die
I see your smiling face
Which could never be replaced
Because--
There could never be another you
Who would fit me, the way you do...
You with your loving bright eyes
And you're little white lies...
That you told me each time
We held each other to cry
Together...
but alone in my room
And we both knew--
That this was love
But it would never last
Because the past
Could never let it rest
So we swore we'd just
Forget It All--
But who could forget you
Standing there now, in such dark clothes
With a Smile on your face
Because only you know
Why....
My necrosis is now a reality
Though no one wants to believe it
I smile to myself
As you lean in to kiss me
I never imagined you would...
The cold, stiff, flesh--
I was certain
Would destroy you
The closed eyes
And The makeup that tries
To confuse you
The lies that they portray
The eyes that they've arranged
With decoration--
Befitting a young lady
Who sadly Isn't me
Why Can't you see?
Don't you cry for me
Because--
We both know
You were gone
Long before I was--
And I missed you for so long
My tears they fell
Just like a summer rain
My heart breaking each time
The thunder rolled
And you've always known...

....................................................................................................

*BELIEVE*

You say
You'd cross the state lines
Just To be here by my side
...boy, I just can't believe you

You bite your tongue for me
You say you'd bleed for me
You love to make me laugh
...I still can't believe you

You deal with my emotions
With very little care
You just always tell me you'll be there
...I'll never believe you

I'm amazed at how much you know
About me
When I'm unsure myself
...I can't believe you

There are days where I wish
I were there with you
And days I wish you further away
...You better believe it

But we have such a strong bond
You're the best friend I never had
How do you know me so well?
...I Can't believe it

Every day that we speak to one another
I'm more amazed by you than I should be
You entrance me
...I Can't beileve this

You have me feeling so happy
You chase away all my fears
I know with you I never have to worry
About being afriad to shed my tears
I'm crazy for ever doubting you
And I will never do it again
We all have our ups and downs
Im just glad you stand by me in the end
And everything I could ever possibly want
To find in another person
Not only that reminds me of myself
But the things I too could be
I've found right there in you
And you're still my best friend

..............................................................................................

*Not So Innocent*

She tried to hide

Behind her piercings

Behind her unnatural dyes

But in doing so she knew

You could still see the pain in her eyes

Her black jeans

With matching shirt

And the blue hoodie

Hiding her open wrists

The weather was as warm

As the blood trickleing down her arm

Why did no one ask?

Why could no one help her?

It was the dead of summer

They knew

They had to know...

Betrayed by her own

Flesh and blood, why

Mother?

Why did you not care?

The denial grabbed you by the throat mother

It choked you and you didn't care

You were blind mother

And it was by choice

...Not fate

Oh mother...

Why did you not help your only daughter?

Why did you knowingly

Let me bleed at night?

I thought you cared..

********************************************************

Imperfections

Can you see the imperfections?

That I'm trying to hide

I store them away with this pain

I keep behind my hazel eyes

I'm fading back into the blackness

The shadows of your lives

And I hope you lay restlessly

Thinking of my demise

I break myself down

And I rely on you to build me back up

My walls are made of brick

And you're my cement

Without you it seems

Nothing in my life makes sense

Then again

You confuse me

There were days in the past

That I would sit awake and cry

Thinking of all the things you told me

Wondering if anything wasn't a lie

I took a silver razor

Rusted from tip to end

I dragged it across my flesh

Until I could feel the burn again

Those days have since long passed

And I still miss the heat of that blade

But to stop it was all you could ask

And relentlessly I obeyed

....Because that was my relief

My pain escaped through the blood

That left my veins

Right there on my left wrist

I wasn't trying to kill myself

I was trying to kill the memories

Of you

Of her

Of them

Nobody else noticed

The summer heat

The sweatshirts

It all added up easily

And yet no one cared

Or was it that

No one cared to notice..

Either way

It was my cry for help

I was dying inside

And killing myself over you

All of you

For the things you had said to me

The things you had done

I wasn't strong enough to live for myself

That came years later

And I still struggle with that

Each and every day

But for now I choose to believe

My imperfections make me perfect

Because that Is just who I am

Take it

Or leave it

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

*UNBROKEN*

I've felt so dejected
So jaded
So gone...

I was solitary
And Confined
Feeling all alone...

You came into my life
Not without a worry or a care
But without a word once spoken
I knew you would be there...

I was unknowing, unsure
I guess I was a skeptic
At first...

But somehow you managed to salvage me
Yes, even after my fall from grace...

I'm unsure of when it happened
And I know not of how we began
I thought my heart had been condemned forever
...Until you came along

You gave me a feeling of hope
The feeling I thought was eternally dead
No longer was I feeling rejected
�And it was all because of you

The wonderment
The amazement
The person I know you to be�

I still can't believe I've met someone like you
-Everything I've ever wanted
�Right there, inside your eyes

I do not fully understand myself, the bond we share
And thusly, the words are difficult to find�

Though, If ever someone were ever to inquire
What my only weakness were in life..
Your name would be the only word released
From my gently parted lips

And now as my ears begin to redden
And my face begins to flush�
A smile of gentle satisfaction
Finds its way across my face�

Somehow I know that you'll understand
All the things I've been unable to say here tonight
And yet even with all the words yet unspoken
I hope our bond can forever remain
--Unbroken�
................................................................................................................

-*-ApArT-*-

Don't love me for what I'm not
Or hate me for what I am becoming
Simply be there for me
When I need you...

I never knew that was too much
I thought you loved me
Now I second guess myself
I thought you wanted me...

There are many days
When I feel like I should just
Fade to black
Because now I realize
..You never wanted me back

There are driving forces
Pulling us apart
And it seems you don't care
...So niether shall I

You know me too well
Please don't cry because I'm leaving
You brought it on yourself
....I see the pain in your eyes

Some days I wish I could just
-Sleep forever
Forget about everything
...but fate is much too cruel for that

You hate me for who I am now
And you hated me before
What was I supposed to do?
...I'm not made of clay

Please don't try to mold me
I can never be the way
the way you want me to be
...That's just the way it is

................................................................................................................

Suffering
There are nails in my face, My Eyes
Vines climb my spin, Thorns in my side
They called me insane, who am I to blame
No one but myself, I suppose
I pulled the trigger
And I pulled the knife
I was crazy enough
To end my own life
I chased you down
And forced upon you my crown
Of needles and thorns
The blood down your face, blissful
I love the suffering
The pain I cause you
The blood that falls
Your death, inevitable
There's something in your eyes
Perhaps it's hate
Shame
None the less
I rejoice in knowing
I caused it
They say I'm fucked up
Totally Insane
They say they want me locked up
It will never happen I assure you
In their sleep
I killed them one by one
All of them
Insanity took over
Yes, Blame the insanity
My bloodstained hands
Understand-
Are not my fault
All is lost in my eyes
My soul is set free
I will be forever lost
In the depths of hell
It is I you despise
..........................................................................................................
Pitiful Girl

Don't Pity Me...

What a pitiful girl
You say when you see me
Just because I hate everyone
And I wish to die?
Nobody wants to get involved
There's no help for me in the world
I'm screwed for life
Stuck like this...
Why am I so cruel
Why am I not allowed to be happy
Why am I a bad person
Why are they still in my head
If I ruin my life
I can ruin yours too
Maybe I should just leave
Forever...
I'm sorry I'm so hateful
I don't know what it is
Maybe there's a demon in me
Inflicting all this pain
The pain that I'm feeling
Is worse than when I cut
I miss the sight of blood
Trickling slowly down my arm
So it didn't solve a problem
Nothing ever does
But it made me feel good
In a bad way
Something nobody else
Could ever accomplish
Making me feel good
But I'm just a pitiful girl
On the verge of death
Will anyone even notice
Will you

9:57 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment




This Is My Sin

My Latest Creepy Writing

This is my sin

Sitting here with him

Uncertainties flood my mind

But with him I spend my time

A smile is on my face

Something i had forgotten

People have been erased

It's not my time to die

I remember the days of the blade

They don't seem so far gone

Years have passed me by

The blood stains remain just the same

This is my sin

Dripping blood from my eyes

Tears no longer fall

When I cry

There's no time at all

To tell you

I would take the fall

For you

This is my sin

Starting up again

Blood can be washed

Scars last forever

I cannot foresee the future

Any more than you can

However this I know

Come tomorrow

I shall exist no more

Because This is my sin

This is my heaven

Bleeding to death

Seeing the pain in your eyes

This is my sin

This is my hell




Avoidable

[As All Is]

My blood hits the ground
Reds all around me
The silver falls
From my cold dead fingers
What drove me to do this
Why was i so blind
I blame it on you
It was all you
I am in denial
I fear the truth
I know it just as well as you
My death uncertain and undeniably unavoidable
The light hits your face
The blade hits your skin
I watch from hell as your wrist splits apart
I see the blood fall, I watch your sin
It is my fault
I blame myself now
Because blaming you
Was the end of it all
I watch helplessly
Caught deep in hells depth
I fret in knowing
You soon shall be beside me
I called myself a friend
I was your lifes end
I see you enter hell
And I watch your body stay above ground
And bleed
For the last time
------------------------------------------------------------------
HATRED

The blood in my veins
Flowing through me
Just like the hate
you fill me with

Blood
running down my back
The knife remains
Embedded deep in my skin

Evil thoughts
Overloading my mind
Awful feelings
Overtake my soul

I barely know you anymore
but still I hate
Everything
Everything about you

Your eyes pierced my soul
Your smile creeps me out
I look down upon you
But no, I'm not better

I feel such hate for you
My hate, which was once love
Just leave me alone
Don't you see, I hate you
*********************************************************
~*~Broken~*~
There is a red bloodstain
Down my left wrist
A sharp razorblade
In my right hand
I regret what I've done
But it felt so good
All my pains
Melted away
With just one little cut
Just dripped away
right down my left wrist
I feel relieved
There's no more pain
I try to hide
All my shame
With my old gray sweater
And my new black coat
Someone grabs my wrist
I flinch in pain
So much trouble
Over a little blood
I try to stop
I'm not astonished to discover
I can't stop
I'm addicted
I need help!
I'm just so afraid to ask
Will you think less of me
If you know
You call yourself a friend
And yet I am shunned
I tell you my troubles
You push me away
tears refuse to fall
I am just too stubborn
I can no longer feel at all
I retreat away
With my little silver blade
A few more cuts
A little more pain
It's all worth it
There's enough blood
To take my troubles away
right down my left wrist
If only you knew how I felt
you'd understand my pain
No one will ever know
This time maybe It's just gone too far
And it has
painlessly
I slip away....
I grasp the hand of death
I succumb to all his power
...Goodbye Forever Cruel World...
***********************************************************
I am currently Bummed
I am listening to POD

Comments (0)

Sleepless Worries
01/25/2008 06:51 a.m.
I'm so tired of feeling like I dont belong
I know that I dont want to be here, and I know where I want to go, but I'm having trouble getting there
when did my faith in mankind disappear
when did I leave everything I ever wanted, and cared for behind?
when did I give up my dreams, and why.
All I want is for my dreams to come true, the same as everyone else. My dreams are nothing big, frivolous, nor do they exceed logical ability. My dreams are simple. Marriage, kids, home, love. Not a hard thing to accomplish, and yet everytime I think about it. I get sad. I am always sad. I miss feeling like that dream would come true. Now I worry more about living my life day to day, and my dreams have faded off into the background, they're turning into dust and sand....being whisked off into the sunset perhaps, just perhaps they'll settle somewhere with a new woman, and her dreams WILL come true. I can only wish, that my dreams will live on somewhere....
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to MayDay Parade

Comments (0)

STOP IT
01/22/2008 11:55 p.m.
Okay so I was trying to do the whole "cheer up, don't think about things being bad, look on the bright side" kinda thing...but then things got worse. Okay, an update.

Sunday night our roommate was involved in a car accident. It wasn't any minor bumper tap either. He got hit by a white pickup truck, spun out of control, and flipped his car 3 times at 70 mph. The car landed on its side and he somehow managed to climb up and out the passenger door. Luckily he was wearing his seat belt, and his airbags deployed. He walked away with only a minor abrasion to his face. His car, is totalled, and the fucker in the pickup, kept on driving.

Then Sunday night comes along and Andrews sister, Cori tells us that his father was in the hospital Thursday night. Something, we of course, knew nothing about. Well, we call him and try to get ahold of him, but figuring it was too late we decide that Andrew is going to call in Monday, so we can go see his dad and find out whats happening. Andrew proceeds to call his boss, and he says it's A-OK to go see his father Monday. Alright, Cool.

We Spend all day Monday trying to call his dad to go see him, but he never answered the phone. We didn't know what was going on until today, but as it turns out his father had to get a stint put in his leg, and then a little while after the blood vessels in his eyes burst due to a mini anurism. If you know what that is, and if I am remotely close to spelling it right, then you know that those things more often than not kill people.

Okay, this brings us to today. Andrew called work tomorrow to see what time he needed to be in because his schedule had changed and his boss informs him that he can't come in with out a doctors excuse. I know, it's bullshit right, he wasn't the one who was sick and therefore its not HIS Job to get an excuse. His father didn't need one, nor should he. So whatever, he goes in to talk to the boss who isn't there. He sits around and waits forever for him to come, meanwhile his wife decides to get in on the action, freak out on Andrew about being gone, saying he's a liar and that his dad wasn't ever sick (when he is) and basically she said to give her the manager keys and get the hell out of the store. So, today Andrew lost his job. He told her to have the boss call him when he got back to the store, but he never did, so I guess that's that. Pretty shitty given the fact he's done nothing but right to that store for TWO YEARS and one day, for no reason whatsoever his boss is like, fuck this you're gone. So. tomorrow I guess we're going to hit the pavement, and look for a job. Andrews going to file unemployment, which isn't enough enough to cover rent, but it's SOMETHING. I'm currently being reviewd for a position with Old Navy, and it would be totally sweet if I got that, or any other job. I've done like fifteen job applications since Saturday, so anything would be helpful. Also if anyone in Tennessee could help me get a job, that would be sweet. Sooo, to recap.

Roommate=hit and run, no car, no health insurance
Andrew=lost his job, fathers sick
Me=no job, no car, no money.

Happy Fucking 2008 Guys.

(P.s. Send money. LMAO)
I am currently Bummed

Comments (0)

Brain Disfunctionality
01/22/2008 10:31 p.m.


Lacking Brain Functionality

Yeah, it sucks. I hate being bipolar. I'm tired of the emotions, and the tears, the anger, and the screaming, the issues, the distrust, I'm just plain tired of it.
But here's what I spend every day asking myself...is it better to feel all those shitty emotions, or feel nothing and be a medicated zombie. I can't tell anymore. I've done both, and they're equally awful. I wish someone could replace my brain with a smarter, less diseased brain, so if you have one lying around, let me know and that would be great.

I apologize for my last blog. I know it was depressing, and only a few of you preferred listers could read it. I have since blocked it because I no longer feel some of the things I wrote in my fit of...well, emotion. I'm still confused, hurt, scared, and worried...I'm still wondering what my next step should be, wondering if I'm even wanted here...but, I'm slowly working my way around it. Thank you to the few people who left me comments, and texted me hugs this morning. It means a lot to know that even though I didnt say anything...you still support me, and try your best to understand..I'm struggeling, and I can't lie about that. I'm thinking the same demented thoughts that I had listed, and Im still scaring myself with my day dreams, but...as long as I don't act upon them, and as long as I try to stay positive I'm sure things will be better...Today has been a rough day. I've been trying my best today to be open, honest, and understanding...there are still a few 'issues' that I can't deal with. I think that if they reoccur I will have to leave. I can't put myself in that position again, in that situation again, and I don't want to have to be 'that girl' who is suspicious of everyone and watches everything through a magnifying glass...Wish me luck in my journey, because It's going to be long and rough... If only life were easy....
I am currently Bummed

Comments (1)

An Unhappy Update Of Sorts
01/21/2008 08:05 a.m.
::Spilling My Heart, has never been easy::



I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Not here, not now, not in Tennessee, not in this place...I am lost. I thought I knew someone, and it turns out I don't. They'll tell you otherwise, but I've seen the words written right there in black and white. I don't know why I'm so trusting, or why I see the good in people sometimes...it just bites me in the ass. I'm lonely tonight, and I'm sad. I feel like theres no one in the world who will ever love me for the fucked up mental patient that I am. I cry again every day now, I sit in bed and think of all the things I could have done differently, and possibly should have done differently in my life. I envision blood and pain, sorrow and sweet release, and I feel sick to my stomach for thinking of such things. I have been job searching for what feels like eons [on the internet], but has really only been days. I had my interview when I first got here as planned, but nothing came of it. Hooray for my being an 18 year old fuck up and getting a police record. I don't know how some people do it. I don't know how people can go on and live there lives so care free. Right now, my face is burning with fury, my stomach is sick, and I'm about to shed tears I'm so upset. Why? That doesn't matter, thats beside the point. I wanted to believe that I knew a person, I wanted to believe there was trust there, and I *needed* to know that I was loved for the person I am...and I don't think any of that is the case. In fact, I feel like this person is more of a stranger now than ever. I feel like, every word is a possible lie, and tonight I was talking to someone, (who in turn had talked to someone else), who once heard my friend SAY that he didn't like me...What a shitty friend. Of course, thats all hearsay, and the source isn't exactly a reliable one...but I guess time will tell. Why do I always do this to myself? I run away in hopes of finding something better, in hopes of running towards a dream, in hopes of gaining something, and every damn time I lose myself instead. I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now...I don't feel like breathing, or sleeping, fuck I don't even wanna eat. That's huge for me. I could sit here and stare blankly at the wall with a million thoughts running through my mind, and yet a vacant stare on my face. I've been having bipolar episode after episode lately, and I don't think Andrew is strong enough to handle it anymore. He doesn't have to see me all day, but in the evenings when he's home, he does. I think that he secretly wants me to leave, I think that he regrets me coming here, and I think that he knows all those things, but refuses to acknowledge them. Hell maybe he DOES acknowledge them, I don't know. It's high school all over again down here. Everyone is bitching and whining about everyone else. People hate each other over their race, car, and sexual orientation for no reason. I knew the south was prejudice, but fuck...maybe I DON'T Belong here with some of my strong beliefs...(on the pro side in case you pondered)...

I miss my family. I miss Iowa. I miss everything. But at the same time I absolutely love it in Tennessee. The scenery, the people, the friends, the apartment, everything is amazing... I love living with the Andrews, I love hanging out in our ugly green walled duplex, and I love watching movies and baking cakes at 9 o'clock at night. However, I feel like everyone here is underestimating me, watching my every move through a microscope, everyone is waiting for me to fuck up. They won't have to wait long, I can assure you of that. I fuck up everything, and I do it often. I can't quit shaking. I can't get what ONE person said out of my head. I can't let this bother me, but theres already no trust...Who do I believe? What do I believe? It's no WONDER that a specific person does what she does.... Why can't I just love someone, who loves me back, who won't play any games with me, lie to me, hide things from me, toy with other girls, talk shit behind my back, and secretly hate me? Why do I always fall for guys that are [abusive, lying, divorced, baby momma hating, cheating, two faced, affair having, friend fucking, alcoholic, drug addicted, chain smoking, porno loving, marriage hating, mama's boy, acts different around his friends, cocky, etc.] jerks?! What is MY major malfunction? Why did anyone ever let me believe that this would cause me anything but heartache and pain? Why did I think that my fairy tale would find me in Tennessee?


"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best"
Maybe I should follow that advice myself?


There are so many things I want right now. So many things I need here. So much confusion, so many unanswered questions, and prayers. So many puzzles need solved. The money is gone, but who has it? The trust is gone, how do I get it back? How can I deal with this issue again? How can I believe anything thats said? Who do I believe? How do I believe? What do I believe in anymore?

[[Religion, Beliefs, Baptism, Pornography, Violence, Suicide, Car Accidents, Surgerys, Hospitals, Jobs, Cars, Trucks, Blankets, Washing Machines, Next Door Neighbors, Cats, Kids, Marriage, Rings, Whores, Lies, Fury, Anger, Tears, Dryers, Furniature, Basements, Light fixtures, Plastic Covered Windows, Photos, Music, Rentals, Procrastination, Sorrow, Drama, Fading Dreams, Uncertainties, Unknowing, Unstable....]]

Everything listed is such a pain in my ass. Every questionable word, Every day...is such a struggle, and people refuse to see that. People refuse to believe that it's THIS hard for someone 'like me' to death with everyday issues like this.Somebody 'like me' should be able to handle this. I'm a "strong girl." Thats what they tell me, thats what they say, and that's what they want to believe, but I'm not. I'm far from a strong girl. Look at me wrong and I'll cry. Let me find out you lied to me, and never again will I trust you. Look at another girl, and I'll feel disgusting and worthless. Tell me that I have everything you ever dreamt of, and I'll pity you.Go ahead tell me that my life is worth living, tell me that when I'm at the point I am right now, so low that I don't even know what to do MYSELF, that YOU have the answers. Give me advice, tell me how easy life is for you, tell me how hard things are with your husband, and your son or daughter, tell me what a difficult test you had to take yesterday...pretend you understand, if it makes you feel better, but newsflash, it doesn't help me at all.

God has listened to my prayers, he's watched me struggle with my personal issues, he's taken 3 children from me, and I have to believe there's a reason for everything. I don't want to believe that, I want to think that's a pile of shit, but I don't. I *do* believe that it's all happening for a reason. I can't sit here and believe that my children died and it wasn't for any particular reason. I can't sit here and think that I'm still alive after years of self hate, cutting, and a few handfuls of pills. I can't. I want so BADLY to believe, that I DON'T believe...but the truth Is. I have to. I have to believe in him. I have to believe that someday, somewhere, when the time is right, all my pain and burdens will be lifted away, and I will find happiness. I know I have to work for it, search long and hard, and try my best..because the lord only helps those who help themselves, but...I believe that someday everything will be right as it should be. And I can only hope that I realize that day has come when I'm sitting at the dinner table holding my husbands hands, and listening to my children tell me how their day was at school. And I want to look around, and realize how good we have it. I want that day to come where I smile, and laugh, and the only tears I shed will be tears of joy...I BELIEVE that day will come, and that it will probably be later rather than sooner...but...For the sake of my sanity, my life, and my heart...I do believe it. I couldn't live if I didnt.

Regardless, my heart is hurting, my eyes are watering, my body is trembling, and my fingers are ice cold. I've been typing for an eternity now, and I've said so little that I'm almost angry with myself for not sharing more...I have an emotional road block up right now. I want so badly to let someone in. For someone to come talk to me about everything. I want a shoulder to cry on, and a shotglass to drink from, and probably a cigarette to smoke. I know those things will do me no good, but sometimes a girl just has to be a girl..and when you live in a man's world, it's a hard thing to do.




And in case you're reading this, which I doubt you will...

I love you. I'm so hurt by so much, and I can't even begin to understand it. I want it to be there, I want us to have it all, the world, the moon, trust and happiness, love, understanding, and patience...and a future...but I don't know how to fix this? I don't know how to fix something, that was never entirely mine to begin with..I don't know how to help you or if I can, and I don't know if you're strong enough to help me. You were my shoulder to lean on, my perfect rock in so many ways, and I thought the world of you...I'm not disappointed, and I'm not let down, I still love you, but...my view of you is changing, you are a stranger to me now. I can't decipher lies from truth, and I don't even know if there ARE any lies.. in your words. I can't get my brain to shut up. I can't stop thinking that you don't need me in the way I need you. I can't believe that you'd love me, when you said yourself you didnt in your most vulnerable of states...I can't....figure out whats true in your heart. And all I'm asking of you, isn't that you deal with me, or put up with me. I just need you to tell me if you want me to leave your life. Straight and to the point, plain and simple. If you don't want me in your world, with your friends, and if I'm going to be the death of everything you are...everything you've worked so hard to portray yourself as, when I know its no where near who you are....if you want me to go, tell me now, before it gets any worse, before the cut gets any deeper, and before the wounds spill over any more blood...tell me now, and I will be out of your life...just don't drag it on because you think you have to...please for the sake of me, for the sake of us, for the sake of not knowing enough, or knowing to much, for the sake of our memories, and meetings....for my sanity, and my heart. If you care about me in the ways you claim to...tell the truth, tell it to my face, be honest and open, and...just say whats on your mind. I'm not here to destroy your life in the way you seem to tell people I am, and I'm not as crazy as you think.. I'm not the liar you portray me to be. I'm just a girl who spilled my heart to you, and was nothing but honest...I'm just a girl who met you and believed you were perfect, not in the essential ways of the word, just perfect enough for me..I believed every word you said to me, I trusted my heart when I let it flutter for you...All you wanted of me was to believe, and I did....but now all I'm asking of you...is if you hate me, if you cant handle me, if you're too weak for my mentality, if you have any doubts in your mind that you want me here, speak up now.

I can't live thinking that I'm just a stand in, until your dream girl comes along. I can't handle being second best to anything that doesn't deserve your heart, and I cannot believe that you arent perfect for me....because I know you are, regardless of your flaws and mine. Regardless of every late night fight we have over my stupid jealousy, my temper and anger, my breaking heart, and my untrusting you...you say that I don't think I do anything wrong, and I do. Lord knows I do. I do things I know I shouldn't do, and I say things I know I shouldn't, and I do them anyways. I know you're right for me dahlin, but I think I'm the last piece of baggage you need...I don't know whether or not to run into your arms, or run away. I'm sorry that I fuck up your world, and i'm sorry that I blow things out of proportion. I cannot help the person that I am, but I CAN control my actions. I know why I do the things I do. I know when I tell you that you won't believe me, but I'm going to say it anyways...ever since the "incident" and the lies...I've been so hurt, and so angered that I just wanted to find ways to make you feel the hurt, and shame that I felt. Things were going from bad to worse, and I found out again about another "incident." I can't get that out of my mind. I try so hard to...I promise, I do. My stomach churns at the very thought of the things you think when you do what you do...and I feel like I'm a worthless piece of shit. I slipped into a coma of depression, and only you can make me smile, only you can cheer me up...which is ironic, because your actions are the ones making me cry. I promise...I would try to help, but I don't know how. I would believe you, but I'm not sure I can. It's going to take a lot of hard work and effort to get things back in order, and I'm willing to shut the fuck up, swallow my pride, and bite my tongue...but you have to SWEAR TO GOD that you will make the same effort as I. But if you can't do this....then let us say our goodbyes.










I need you.


I am currently Bummed
I am listening to The hum of a heater in a 60 degree house

Comments (1)

Confusion
11/18/2007 09:36 a.m.
I dont know who I am
what I want
where Im going
or even where I've been

I dont know what excites me anymore
what makes me feel ALIVE
I dont know who my friends are
who my enemies are

or what to do with my life

I never feel like I'm going to be good enough
for my family
my friends
those i love

I hate being labeled the "fuck up" when I've done the best with what i've been given..

does that make sense??
I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to candlebox

Comments (0)

Spring Cleaning
11/17/2007 01:09 a.m.
This song will ALWAYS put you in a mood =)

Listen to it, and hear for yourself. It's an amazing piece of music.

<3

































Song By: Bright Eyes

Amy's got a baby in her stomach
She took my hand, I felt it kick
So she's crying and glowing
She's 3 months and showing
Seeing her now makes me want to live

But her man's got an angry mouth
He once told me to rot in hell
He's poisonous, reasonless
Demons and Jesus
If he died it'd be just as well

So I'm having it out with the rain
It argues so long and so loud
It keeps tapping and talking
We're walking forever on First Avenue headed south

And all the traffic lights blur
Into a bright bouquet
My heart is in mothballs
It's been packed away
And I can't get to it no way
Until the birds return for spring cleaning

All the traffic lights blur into a bright bouquet
I wish I could just turn and walk away
But I can't do it no way
Until the birds return for spring cleaning
I am currently Scattered
I am listening to bright eyes

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