Epiphany
10/16/2007 03:53 a.m.
New beginnings are hard to come by.
You always expect them, but never accept them.
No one ever wants to give second chances, but everyone wants to take them.
Why is that?

Why is it that you can have a friend for a decade who won't give you the time of day after you've done something as mediocre as called her a "bitch."
Then you can forgive someone you've known only a year for spreading rumors about you, destroying your name and reputation...
I think it's the person...It's all in the person.

Me? I'm too forgiving. I forgive everyone, for everything, every time.
You want to steal from me?
You want to lie to me?
You want to date my ex?
You slept with my boyfriend. my FIRST true love?
You wanna talk shit behind my back?
You want to take complete advantage of every aspect I have to offer?
You beat the shit out of me constantly?
...And yet, I forgave all of you...


Trust me. I've been here, Done this...and I'm DONE with the drama. I may be young, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid, and the sad truth is, I've got more maturity than half the thirty year olds I know.
Yes, I do give second chances....hell I give third fourth and fifth chances...
sometimes tens, twenties, and hundreds of chances...
but WHY!?

Why go out of your way to continue having TOXIC friends who only BRING YOU DOWN?

Sorry. I'm ranting today.
Anyways, I'm done with it all.
I miss my true friends.
The ones I cared about the most.
The ones who made me feel like I was SOMEONE to this world.
Where did they go?
I thought They had abandoned me.
And then just as I forgot them...

They jump back into my life, like some twisted game of jump rope.

Lord save us all, I think I'm about to have an epiphany.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to myself type

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Anyone Out There?
10/15/2007 03:22 p.m.
This last summer, I saved a boy from drowning. He was no more than six years old. His parents were on the side of the pool, carrying on and drinking..No one noticed him screaming and crying. I went over, and grabbed him from the water. I got out of the pool with him, and walked over to set him by his parents. I got back in the pool, and no one said a word. Not a thank you, or a what happened. They gave me a weird look, probably wondering why I was carrying their son who was bawling his eyes out. They sat him down next to them, and kept drinking and carrying on. No one was any the wiser. I don't know what would have happened to that boy had I not gone and grabbed him. He couldnt swim, he couldnt touch, he was crying and then he started going under. I'm sure that things would have turned out fairly poorly for that family. I don't know why that boy crosses my mind every so often. I can only hope his family is more attentive than that on a usual basis, but it always gets me to thinking. Families like that, families who could be five feet away and let their son drown without so much as even realizing it...do they really deserve the picture perfect family? Do they deserve to have that son in the first place. I don't think they do. Its strictly my opinion, but it amazes me that in today's society people have kids and just dont give a fuck. People throw their kids away like yesterdays paper, starve them, beat them, and let them drown every day. Then there are other people who want children, and would love and cherish them, never taking thei eyes off them for a minute...and yet, they dont get that dream.

Most of you know by now that when I was 15 I battled cervical cancer. It took 3 years of biopsies and tests, and a lot of pain and angst as well. I've been pregnant three times, and I've lost every one. Unless you've lost a child you will not know what I'm talking about. You always feel like you're at fault. The doctors, the medical books, they all say otherwise, that it means there was a defect...but you never believe it. You cant help but wonder how life would be if that baby was born. If he or she were here with you right now today. You wonder what path your life might have taken, who you'd be, who they'd be...But that isnt the case. You're left to wonder eternally what happened. If what you did was wrong. If it was your fault, if there was something you could have done, or should have done but didnt. It's a heartbreaking thing to always think about. Now, a friend of mine has just been diagnosed with the same cancerous cells I had, and I'm praying for her. She's strong, and we've been through a lot in our lifetime, so I know she'll pull through. It only takes time. She's felt the pain I feel, dealt with the same loss as I, and she may be one of the only people who reads this that understands what I'm talking about. Its just another unfair thing in the world. There are children born to families who dont even want them, there are children killed for little more than fear of social status, and then there are the people who wish, and hope, and try, with all their heart, soul, and being to have a baby...and that dream doesnt happen. What is so wrong with our society??

Why do people think it's okay to put someone to death for a killing. Doesnt that make us no better than the killer? I say let them sit in solitary until they die. An eye for an eye, leaves the whole world blind.

Why is it that we've been taught to fear someone just because they have no home. Sure they might be a sociopath, but then again what if it's just a poor homeless man who lost all he had when his wife died, and he ISNT going to use the money you give him for drugs or booze. Maybe he's going to buy a blanket to sleep with. He's homeless what do you expect him to buy, a rug?!

Mothers teach their daughters that beauty lies within weight, and looks. No one teaches children about inner beauty anymore.

Fathers molest their children, priests molest theirs...families are divided, and people are murdered every day, over absolutely nothing.

When did we become such a hateful society.
When did it become OKAY to see another murder on the 9 o'clock news?

Last night on our Iowa news, it was covered that TWENTY THOUSAND Iowans a year kill themselves, and that 100,000 have since 2002. How is it that people blink blindly to such serious issues? It angers me so drastically.
I mean sure, we all have those days where we are as low as we've ever felt, but why does that make it okay for people just to give up. I know, I know I'm not one to talk. I've hurt myself more times than I care to count, in the past 6 years...but I'm trying to get my life on track. There's a song by city high, and my favorite line is "you can only go up when you feel so low." Sometimes its the truth, and sometimes you dig yourself deeper, but in the end...there's always someone there to help pull you up. For me, it's my mother, my boyfriend, his brother, my brothers, and my best friends Andrew, Brooke, and Molly. They snap me back to reality when I'm feeling down. Sometimes I just wish there were more people out there who thought like me, understood me, more lost poetic souls like me. I'd kill to have someone to talk to who actually UNDERSTOOD what I meant in most of my blogs. Someone who read my poetry and embraced it, rather than judged it. Someone who could help, but not criticize...but anymore, poetic souls are a dying breed. Now we're all pegged as 'emo kids.' Well if thats the case, I've been an emo kid since I was 12. Regardless, the world today is so full of hate and disgust. People get annoyed at friend requests from strangers. I mean FRIEND REQUESTS? Maybe someone thinks you're interesting, or wants to get to know you. But everyone thinks the worst. Isn't it a terrible tragedy, when in our society....

every nice gesture is bypassed, because people are too afraid for their lives, to trust anyone anymore??

I am currently Calm
I am listening to The low hum of my computer

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An Amazing Song
10/14/2007 01:16 p.m.
Beautiful Disaster-Jon McLaughlin
[[I think this song defines my life]]


She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.
I am currently Depressed
I am listening to A Beautiful Disaster

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Based On A True Story
10/11/2007 03:29 p.m.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful blonde baby girl, born into a world of addiction, abuse, and deception. As she grew older, she thrived, taking in the world, and all it had to offer, which at the time, wasn't much. She was daddy's little girl when he was around, and when he was gone, she would cry out in sadness.

As the years went by, the girl saw things no child should ever see. Abuse, addiction, alcoholism...secondhand smoke filled her world, and her lungs. The scent of cigarettes burned her nostrils, and made her eyes water. Screaming, fighting, the tears her mother shed, all of it was too much to bear. The girl began packing her things: a nightgown, a toothbrush, a dollie, and her blankie too...She waited until the coast was clear, and on her bicycle she began riding into the sunset hoping for better days. Suddenly, a voice in the wind caused her to turn her head and look back. There her mother stood in the doorway of their countryside home, towel still over her damp hair, with the look of love, and a stern tone in her voice that other mothers can get away with. The girls mother demanded she come home, and at that moment she knew, her mother would never let her go.

Not so many years down the line a man entered the girls life. He was fun, and carefree. The girl had been praying for a new father since her own had left her family, quite some time ago. Now, there he was, crazy red hair and a carefree spirit, life it seemed, was looking up for the girl.

Many family dinners, and worm hunts later, the impossible occurred. The girls new father, whom she loved, and trusted took her hostage on night within her own home. The girl cried out to her mother, but quickly realized her mother was not inside the house. The girl was left alone to deal with this monster. Police were called, tears were shed, and the lead bat was finally lowered from her face where it had been positioned all this time. No look of terror in any horror movie could match the look on that little girls face as she ran out the door, past the police cruisers, and right into her mothers arms. It was the only place she ever felt safe. Guilt soon overcame the girl. At nine years old, the girl thought she'd done something terrible to turn this man into the monster he became. Now, her mother once again was alone, and her younger brother was once again left to be the man of the house.

Through the years the young girl grew and came into her own. She blossomed into a young woman, and her weekend visits with her father dwindled away. Time at home no longer seemed to be her priority, she was lost in the cruel world of Junior High. The girl had been through many houses, and finally, as her family of 3 found yet another new home, she finally felt safe...This was the first time in a long time the girl felt she even had a home. The girls mother told her never again would she let any man break apart their family, the way the last three had. She knew they could survive, life seemed to be on track, until one day the girls mother broke her promise, and allowed yet another man into their lives. She took him in, and soon he moved the girl out of her home into a new house, where he said they could be a family. There would soon be a new addition to the family, the girls mother announced. Feelings were mixed, no one ever imagined that the little family of 3, would suddenly grow to a family of 5 in just a few short months time. The girl was skeptical, she loathed the new man her mother had brought into their lives that night, simply because the promise her mother had made to her, seemed void of meaning now.

The baby soon was born, the girl welcomed a new brother into her world. She never knew that a child so small was capable of holding her entire heart in his tiny hands, but that's exactly what this boy did. As the baby grew, so too did the girl. She began pushing envelopes, breaking boundaries, crossing lines, for she knew from her childhood that no matter how many mistakes she made, her mother would never let her go....and then once again, her life was shattered with the truth.

Seventeen years had passed since the girl was born into the world of addiction, arguments, and alcoholism, and here she stood bags in hand...After all the girl had been through in her life, her family kicked her to the curb. For a time she lived in her car, on the streets, in a trailor filled with drug users and abusers. She wasn't yet old enough for a place of her own, so she compromised and did whatever she could to get by. Her mother helped her when she could, but the girl just pushed her away. The helping hand her mother offered meant nothing, because with that same hand she'd pushed her away. It seemed clear now, that the girls new family was her mothers new priority. Sorrow gripped the girls heart, she felt so alone, she had no one, so she picked up where she'd left off so many years ago, and she drug that blade across her left wrist, burning tears rolling down her face as the blood started to pour. Days went by, then months, and the girl was still living day to day, in a world filled with alcohol, numbness, pain, and broken veins. She never knew what might happen next.

Unfortunately, that's not where the story ends. The girl began to act out, doing all she could to become noticed. She wanted love, she needed it, she was desperatly urning for acception. She put herself in dangerous situations, crashed her car, made bad decisions, held drugs for friends, drank until she couldn't see straight, and learned the hard way that no ones above the law the night she was arrested.

The girl knows now, of her mothers unconditional love, and she understands now, that everything happens for a reason. All the bad in the girls life, has built her into nothing but the strong young woman she is today. Now she knows that history doesn't need to repeat itself, and she'll never make the same mistakes twice.

One day, that girl knows that she's going to have a daughter of her own, and she will know, and share the undying love of her own mother. Sure, we all make mistakes, and words will cut through flesh like a knife, tears will burn the cheeks, and doors will be slammed, and yet at the end of the day a love like no others will be shared. A mothers love. And, the truth, will always prevail.
I am currently Reflective
I am listening to My brother snoring

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Dear World
10/09/2007 06:44 p.m.
Here I sit, in the shadows of the evening sun. The light is glowing overhead, but still that isn't enough, so I touch the lamp behind the speaker, and slowly with three taps, it too has a bright shine emerging. My speaker is on, but there is no music playing, which for me, is a first. My life could probably be defined using song titles from 80's hair bands. I've been having a rough time lately, and today I read a blog that really touched my soul, it made me want to write this. So while I've never attempted anything like this, here goes...



My Dearest world--

It seems as though the warm embrace I once felt by you as the rays of sunshine poured down upon me are long gone now, and all I can feel is a desolate cold front whisking through you, that eventually seems to settle upon the tip of my nose making it feel as though any facial movement i now make, is in slow motion. However, As I sit in my first floor apartment, staring out the window at the night, I slowly see the golden leaves begin to fall from the trees. The signs are showing, summer is gone now, and the cold fall air pierces my lungs as I breathe it in. It's a desolate feeling. Falling leaves, dying trees, the vibrance of summer has gone, leaving me feeling as cold and Grey as the sky now is. Its nearing 8 p.m. and the sun is slowly fading behind the shop across the street. The open sign never turns off, even in the darkest hours of the night. The sun shine often overshadows the neon sign, so as the sun slowly falls into its night sleep, I often notice it's gentle flicker. Is that relevant, well my friends, isn't everything? My palms are sweaty now, and every smack of the key ends with a gentle slippage of my fingers. I can't help but wonder why it is I'm not making more mistakes, then I realize that it's because I was brought up this way, raised into the technological age. I was taught not to screw up here. Then I cant help but wonder, why we aren't taught that about every aspect of life? Why is it that failure is such a death sentence emotionally? We are taught as a child that mistakes are okay, that pencils have erasers, paper has two sides, and even that stains come out. So why is it, as children grow older, we are forced to write in pen, only on one side of the paper, and that if we spill something we had better damn well know how to clean it. As children society is so understanding of us, and our mistakes. It's to be expected of us then. And yet, as years go by, we grow older, and wiser, and apparently with time, and age, mistakes are no longer a part of daily life. As we do continue to make mistakes, our self esteem, our ego's, our sense of pride, are all suddenly put into question. Suddenly, with One mistake, our lives could be over. If an accountant makes a mistake, his client could lose millions of dollars, if a chef makes a mistake, someone could die of food allergies, and if a taxi driver makes a mistake, innocent lives may be lost. What are the odds? Why is it NOT okay for us to error anymore? isn't to err, human? Or was that just another thing we were taught in our youth, to make us feel alright about mistakes??

The sun has gone down for the evening now, it's still not 8 pm...the cat sits on the window ledge staring outside, dreaming of what i can only assume, is a life outdoors. Who can blame her. Sitting on this computer every day, has become more like a death sentence than a hobby. When all else fails, there's always something to do on the world wide web. There are always people waiting and willing to talk to you about anything. People telling you how to live your life, where to live it, why to live it, and who to live it for. We no longer need to encounter door to door religious activists, we get their testaments in our inbox daily. Worried that you'll never be able to afford the newest video games or software? No worries, there are people who illegally download them for free, and sell them to you for a profit. Does your wife no longer satisfy you? It's simple, check your spam email, and I'm sure there are at least 1,546 emails from porn bots. Our world has as adults become nothing but technology, food, sex, and adultery. What kind of world is this? How do they prepare you for this as children? Why do we allow our lives to be run this way? Has it really come down to it world, that even you, no longer care?

I am currently Tired
I am listening to The sound of silence

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