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The Journal of A. Paige White disappointment
10/09/2007 01:54 a.m.
I reckon I'm to be distracted by other things... like praying more for michael and our troops safety. Nothing distracts from it for long though. Today has had a few moments of heart clinching hurt. It IS getting better though. I went four days without tears. New record. I didn't realize how he had climbed into every single area of my heart and just permeated it all. All. Ah no. I'm so tired of neccesarily living fully in this particular emotion. It is not fun. Five years of head over heels demolition won't happen overnight. I sure wish it would.
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to pillow theft arguments, lol
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Michael called from Kuwait!
10/08/2007 11:52 p.m.
But we were all working and he didn't leave where we could write to him. Gotta call Marjorie or his grandmother and get his mailing address. He was soooo funny! "Y'all will probably think this is a bill collector when you see the weird number, but if you see it again, it was me!" Our very own "blade" dubbed by our local p.d. on one of his and Jarrod's late night escapades after being shaken down and about 10 knives retrieved from all the places he secreted them. Dang I hate we missed his call!!!! What a wonderful day! Awesome response from my pastor with a prayer I felt to my tippy toes and then to get home and...
Burly had cleaned house, Brian had cut the back yard...
Yes indeed, God was swift to answer that wonderful prayer that blessed my socks off. WOW.
I am currently Blessed
I am listening to a fussy grandson
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Fairest Wheels
10/08/2007 12:33 a.m.
Fairest love blooms... in their night sky.br>
Lynard Skynard she ain't!
I am currently Better
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10/6/7
10/07/2007 02:19 a.m.
Oh ... boy...
It's getting late and David is still here. I've just GOT to be outside when/if Megan and Brian get here and he's STILL here. I wonder if it's deliberate? I know David still cares about her. life is so darn strange in my world.
heheeee...
well, he's taken meeting all the other ex's very well.
I think we should keep him.
He is my hero again. This time in an even more significant way. Such a sweetheart.
heh.
They're the most dangerous ones to your heart.
B E W A R E
Oh yeah! Gotta greet him in the morning with his new name. Mr. Coffee heheeeee
I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to the fox rocks
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10/5/7
10/05/2007 08:54 p.m.
omg...
it's almost over now. just over an hour. If John and Bobby taunt me with ONE more red folder... I may do serious bodily injury. heatherns.
the fair... so fair..
and a wild ride it is!
risky transitions
white horse at water's edge
obscured unseen
pruning
for the increase
not going back to the wall
just goin in deeper
a wild ride it is
the river runs deeper
and deeper and deeper
I am currently Excited
I am listening to do you dream in color?
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grrrrrrrrrrrr
10/04/2007 12:20 a.m.
oh how i dread the morrow. she's gone. she's gone. she's gone.
oh how i dread the morrow. will the weekend never get here?
I just really hate submittals. lol, just never been good at submission anyway, why would I like submittals?
at least I get to release my pent up.... everything... you name it. angst. aggression. anger. frustration. What a timely God send.
I am currently Jumbled
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Day 10
10/02/2007 01:57 a.m.
Day 10: Read Hosea 8. If you have a shofar, blow it three times. If you do not, use your voice as one and give three shouts of victory up into the Heavens. Ask the Lord to restore your shout. Read Ezekiel 3 and 33. Declare a new watchman anointing will fall upon you and that anointing will come forth corporately in your region.
Heavenly Father, I have no shofar but I shout that you would show far and near the glory of your dear son. Show us your glory! Show it far beyond what we could think to ask or imagine. Restore the voice of my shouts to me in a fullness I've never had before. I ask you this that your son be glorified and that He receive the full reward for the travail of His soul. I worship Him for the splendor of your glory that fully rested upon him. As you have commanded I declare a new watchman anointing is falling upon me and my household and it will come forth corporately in our region by the unity of your Holy Spirit. In Jesus name, Amen.
I saw the hitchhiker with passengers and ask your fullest blessings to be poured out upon his head. Surround him with the light of your love, send your Host to perform all your good pleasure in his life this day/night! I bless you for the new day you have decreed for my life and ask you to accelerate, multiply the release of your kingdom's treasures for such a time as this. In Jesus name, Amen.
I am currently Bemused
I am listening to faithful whispers through my soul
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9/30/7-19999
09/30/2007 03:40 p.m.
Day 9: Read Psalm 121-122. Look up beyond your circumstances.
Heavenly Father, you are the lifter of my head. For as long as you needed to, you kept me kneeling with my head bowed in greatest sorrow. The circumstances of my feelings that have been captive to my plans and desires for my life were destroying a part of me that you cherish. I see this beyond these circumstances. I give it now into your hands by the faith your Holy Spirit decided would be mine. Thank you for keeping me from turning back. Take the pierced hands of your Son and have him turn my head firmly ahead to never look back again at what you've removed in your great mercy.
Seek Him and ask Him to help you in the area that you need help.
You know intimately every molecule of my being because it is you who formed and created me for your pleasure. I need your help right now today to cut decisively through all my past that has anything of my illicit relationship in it. Give me the vision of your purposes in me for one year from now. Search me and know me and show me what you are removing so that you can answer this prayer. Let me not run from it no matter how ugly it is in soulish selfcenteredness.
Declare that time, the sun and the moon will work on your behalf.
I have seen your clock for me. I declare it and the sun and moon works on my behalf whether in standing still or moving ahead.
Pray for Israel. Pray that a new sound arise in the land. Call forth the song of deliverance that is in the Heavens over God's first fruit covenant land.
I declare that your peace will flood the very streets of Israel causing a new sound to arise in the land of your Son's birth. Let the deliverance of your people be an astonishment of their enemies and a joyous praise to every heart. Thunder the heavens with every sound over your covenant land.
Read Psalm 81. Declare a revival anointing will come into the church you attend and revival praying will begin to occur.
Father, you know where I take my spiritual nourishment and how it refreshes me. I ask you to come suddenly upon every one of the members in a new and exciting way, Today. Let our gatherings be a feast of praise and worship so redolent of your presence even your Host of Heaven desire to be present that their fragrance add to our assemblies. Cause us to pray! Cause us to say! Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Let the greatest revival annointing be poured upon us this day and draw us together to celebrate your presence.
Blow the trumpet at the time of the new moon and declare that harvest will come to your region.
On this one, Lord, you will have to send me the trumpet you would have me blow. You send it, I'll blow it together with your very own spirit winds that gather your harvest. In Jesus name, Amen!
Psalm 121
A Pilgrim Song
1-2 I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.
3-4 He won't let you stumble,
your Guardian God won't fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel's
Guardian will never doze or sleep.
5-6 God's your Guardian,
right at your side to protect you—
Shielding you from sunstroke,
sheltering you from moonstroke.
7-8 God guards you from every evil,
he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
he guards you now, he guards you always.
Psalm 122
A Pilgrim Song of David
1-2 When they said, "Let's go to the house of God," my heart leaped for joy.
And now we're here, O Jerusalem,
inside Jerusalem's walls!
3-5 Jerusalem, well-built city,
built as a place for worship!
Psalm 81
An Asaph Psalm
1-5 A song to our strong God! a shout to the God of Jacob!
Anthems from the choir, music from the band,
sweet sounds from lute and harp,
Trumpets and trombones and horns:
it's festival day, a feast to God!
A day decreed by God,
solemnly ordered by the God of Jacob.
He commanded Joseph to keep this day
so we'd never forget what he did in Egypt.
I hear this most gentle whisper from One
I never guessed would speak to me:
6-7 "I took the world off your shoulders,
freed you from a life of hard labor.
You called to me in your pain;
I got you out of a bad place.
I answered you from where the thunder hides,
I proved you at Meribah Fountain.
8-10 "Listen, dear ones—get this straight;
O Israel, don't take this lightly.
Don't take up with strange gods,
don't worship the latest in gods.
I'm God, your God, the very God
who rescued you from doom in Egypt,
Then fed you all you could eat,
filled your hungry stomachs.
11-12 "But my people didn't listen,
Israel paid no attention;
So I let go of the reins and told them, 'Run!
Do it your own way!'
13-16 "Oh, dear people, will you listen to me now?
Israel, will you follow my map?
I'll make short work of your enemies,
give your foes the back of my hand.
I'll send the God-haters cringing like dogs,
never to be heard from again.
You'll feast on my fresh-baked bread
spread with butter and rock-pure honey."
The city to which the tribes ascend,
all God's tribes go up to worship,
To give thanks to the name of God—
this is what it means to be Israel.
Thrones for righteous judgment
are set there, famous David-thrones.
6-9 Pray for Jerusalem's peace!
Prosperity to all you Jerusalem-lovers!
Friendly insiders, get along!
Hostile outsiders, keep your distance!
For the sake of my family and friends,
I say it again: live in peace!
For the sake of the house of our God, God,
I'll do my very best for you.
Well, one more step taken. I am Angry. I'm fully experiencing it, I recognize what it is. He hurt me really, really bad. I took a chance, I knew years ago I was taking a big chance to follow my heart about him. Just today as I started getting rid of his reminders, I realized he's been leaving for quite a while . I wonder when he spirited out his suit and the stuff in the green chest but left just enough out that I could see .... keep a toe hold, make me think I'm still important. Not willing to be real with me or himself, fear is back in the drivers seat, don't want to burn that bridge in case I turn out to be able to get him out of the hole he dug himself into for years of living as a pirate. Oh yes, I am angry. Angry at myself too. I saw the signs. I ignored. I hoped on anyway. I denied. I hoped I was wrong. I LET him convince me I was wrong. When he started building walls against God because He doesn't perform on command in the way he wanted, just who was gladly handing him the bricks to build that wall? Duh! Part of me is just so very sad too. I hate that I let him in to all the deepest places in my heart for so many years because now it's all that much more painful. I think he was sincere for a while. I'm not even sure of that now. Maybe when he was working for terminix. God, how it still makes me cry. We made so many memories I cherished so deeply and now they just make me bleed and bleed and bleed. i know all of this is normal for having your heart so broken by someone you really loved with all of your being. I wanted to spend my life with him. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to share our journey in God together even as we had to accept some changes in it for a short while. It's all destroyed. What was good is so bad. I am glad he's not suffering like this over it though. At least I don't have to hurt for his pain along with my own. Mine is bad enough to endure. I know God will help him. He can try to build a wall but ain't no wall a man or devil ever built that God can't puff on and blow over. What is the worst to me, even with all this hurt screaming to believe the worst of him, even if it is all true, all the very worst things I could think,I still love him and would work through the pain of it all just to be with him. But he doesn't have that kind of love for me anymore. I think he once did, I miss him so bad. I miss his love. But he doesn't love me anymore. I knew going through his folder was going to be rough. It had to be done. I'm almost done with everything I can do though. I hope he gets that white truck this week. If he cared at all for what he's done to my heart, he would at least get that eyesore/reminder out of my yard. I have kept myself from getting all the boys to just push it out on the side of 49 only by the grace of God but I don't know how much longer I can stand to pull up to my own house and see one of his ideas still sitting here. He brought it here, he needs to take it away. It's a perfect representation of us. Doesn't run. Looks awful. Makes my eyesore.
But, I just realized something! Only one year ago, this would have sent me back into a bottle. No doubt. This much pain, going on and on and on from disposing of everything I once treasured, precious memories, to reduce the painful triggers, reading poems I wrote to or about him and fully experiencing the same feelings of love as when I wrote them to involuntarily contrast that with his coldness, would have sent me into a bottle a year ago. God is indeed doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. There really is recovery that endures whatever life may throw at you. It's called God. The other name for it is God's amazing grace. Even more.... wow! I'm actually taking steps forward, starting an exercise regimen (in something I'd have NEVER chosen for myself, lol!)and eating much healthier and less. Even experiencing longer and longer times of contemplating a successful and even happy future apart from him without guilt because he threw me away. That alone is a major landmark. He doesn't love me so it doesn't matter. He can scream it at me in all caps all day long and it doesn't make it true. As I write this, something is telling me to take all the FINAL steps of removing everything about him from my life and to quit waiting on him to do anything, to complete the break he desires. May as well. He said goodbye without taking care of any of the undealt with details. He just wanted to be done with me. So be it. I am entitled to experience all the emotions that go along with the destruction of a beloved relationship, so I guess I may as well embrace the anger to get it all done. I can't afford repressed anger in the form of resentment. I must experience it fully, no denying allowed and deal with it. This is what he wants. It may as well be what I want.
I am currently Jumbled
I am listening to KLove
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Missed the chickenhouse
09/30/2007 03:03 a.m.
Doggone! Doggone it! I missed it again. I would have liked to been the designated decoy. Megan's already threatening me, don't want to smell any alcohol.... heh. If I'd been going to drink I'd have done it long before now. I think it would be a riot to see Myra drinking though.She's such a nut sober I know she'd have cracked me up with a buzz going. Maybe even take care of her if she needed it. Darn I didn't even see that comment til just now. ah well, maybe next time. I probably have no business going there. I'm so sore I could barely shuffle much less dance, lol.
I am currently Lovely
I am listening to trucks
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Thank God for Ibuprofen!
09/29/2007 10:59 p.m.
Joe. Joe. Joe. Joe Strong, I know you and Leigh are making me strong but I don't know if I will live through it. Even those spinal knobs on my backbone are sore from our wrestling. This is exhilerating. This is debilitating. I did manage a few stretches and while it helped some of the soreness I'm even weaker, lol.... Aaaaarrrggghhhh .... Megan is so proud my emotions are better. I know she read my journal on my bed and when I reread what I wrote on that long dark night would have made her cry. That's why she called me at work the next day. lol, even Jarrod's proud of me for going forward with my life. I love these kids so much. I see what John Fischer meant about life being like a set of railroad tracks, rails side by side to take you to a destination. I feel the rejuvenation of hope renewed and such sorrow at losing Chip I still just bawl out of nowhere. It's crazy. sigh. That makes sense though. I KNOW I'm crazy. I'm pretty ok with my craziness today. It's a good thing.
I did lay out in the sun for over an hour. Of course, I had to remember the last time I laid out... at the coast at our love nest...and how Ricky and them picked at him about how he vanished when Logan and I would come down for the weekend. GOD i DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER ANYMORE! i DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER ANY OF IT... NOTHING. MAKE IT GO AWAY. TODAY NOW. I HATE REMEMBERING HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM. I HATE REMEMBERING HOW PRECIOUS THESE MEMORIES WERE. I HATE IT. I WANT IT TO STOP. NOW. I NEVER WANT TO REMEMBER IT AGAIN. NONE OF IT. NOTHING. MAKE IT GO AWAY.
I am currently Clueless
I am listening to KLove
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