2009...and 25.
01/07/2009 03:25 p.m.
i'm going to be 25 this year. i feel like that means something.

i realize that i'm not satisfied with who i am these days. as if by this point, i should have things sorted out much more than i do. but what needs to change in order to change it all? like a math application for life. L - X = L^2 with (L) being life and (^2) being 'better.' and 'better' in what way?

for one, i've got to stop comparing myself constantly. to other people, to ideals of who i should be. this is a big one for me. i define myself by the opinions of everyone but myself because, well, i feel especially flawed for various reasons. how could i possibly successfully steer myself?

my 'flaws' need to be re-evaluated. so i'm bipolar? lots of people are, and i've got it under more control than most. i'm on meds that work. it doesn't make me less of a person. if anything, it makes me more of a person, much more multi-faceted than most people. i have a definite distinction and the ability to see it, the ability to identify part A and part B, even though the line is fuzzy.

so i'm overweight and have horrible self-esteem? a lot of people deal with the same issues and still lead satisfying lives. (see me comparing myself again?) i can't do much about these things all in one day. or month. or year. but i know it's baby steps. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not see a monster. i want to be able to believe compliments.

i've lived a quarter of a century now, and what have i learned? that i am more than my outside. i am more than a body or a heart or a mind. i am a package of all of these things, and one cannot be in charge of the others. i am a human being, and nothing about this existence is meant to be perfect or streamline. it's okay to be flawed - it's the flaws that make people endearing.

i believe that i create most of my own problems - i am my own worst enemy. i need to shake hands and make peace with myself. call a truce. stop holding grudges against myself. mistakes are made and cannot be erased, but they don't need to be. gather strength from scars, inside and out. but don't make more.

here's to 2009. may it bring comfort and knowledge to us all.
I am currently Insecure
I am listening to 'summertime' - sublime

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chick reaction to chick flick. check.
12/29/2008 02:06 a.m.
"every woman has the exact love life she wants."

i just watched 'the wedding date,' and i can't stop crying. because i think this is true. and that makes me a schmuck.
I am currently Pathetic

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saints preserve us.
12/26/2008 10:12 p.m.
i had an idea the other day about writing a series of poems...maybe haikus? maybe that won't be enough...about a few catholic saints. i'm not catholic, in fact, i'm not religious. but regardless, i can do my homework and read up. i think it would be neat. i'm fascinated by theology.
I am currently O.K.
I am listening to 'mudshovel' - staind

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contests
12/17/2008 09:01 p.m.
ok, i'll say it. i'm angry. disappointed, really. not that the winners of the poetry contest don't deserve it - i say congrats. but my poem was good.

there's this strange catch 22 about contests and judges and writing poetry, in general. who is really to say that one poem is better than the other? obviously, these contests are based solely on the judges who decide the results. but it's the same with publishing - someone else is reading my work and deciding whether or not it's 'good.' and based on what? what you think sounds best? what you think is sentimental and 'yippee holiday lovey dovey'? maybe that's not what the holidays mean to me. or to others.

deep down, i want recognition because i know that i'm a good writer. but at what price? continual rejection because i don't fit someone's 'standards?' i think that's bullshit.

so, as i said before, congrats holiday poetry contest winners. and no, of course not everyone can win. but i find myself continuously disagreeing with the judges of these contests. there is no 'mold' for good poetry. expand your minds, people.
I am currently Angry

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stitch
12/01/2008 01:35 p.m.
it's a sport for you, taking someone new and turning her exactly into what you want. with charm and analysis. what does she need to hear? what are her weaknesses? how can i play off of those to my advantage? push the right buttons, turn myself into the idol - a strong heroing image of the savior and the lover. flirt shamelessly and show my own weaknesses, just enough to gain mutual trust. make her feel like she understands me. make her feel like she has some kind of influence on me. take what i want. continue process to continue to take what i want. take no responsibility for emotional mess.

i bet i could sit back and watch you do it to someone else. oh what torture that would be. i am certain i would fall apart.

i can't trust what kelly told me on thanksgiving. that brianna had been feeding justin information about my feelings. betraying everything i'd ever told her. that kelly understood the situation and that she knows how i feel and that it's okay, but that i need to let it go. be his friend. because i am his friend. kelly is known to be quite the sidewinder. quite the snake in the grass. i blame the vodka for the emotion i allowed her to see. i can't trust her, either.

emotional celibacy. physical celibacy. i don't need you. you don't need me. there is no necessity to this life. the life around you.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to 'stuck on you' - elvis

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i know
11/07/2008 09:46 p.m.
So be it, Im your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
Ill know, Ill know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
Ill know, Ill know
Baby-i cant help you out, while shes still around
So for the time being, Im being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If youll just consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And youve early closed your curtains,
Ill wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
Its ok, dont need to say it.



'i know' - fiona apple







i know this isn't how he feels and this isn't how this situation really is and this isn't how things will ever ever ever be but i know. i know. i know this is what i want. it's sad that he doesn't need to say it and i know it but it's not even there. i know something that doesn't exist.

god i'm lonely without him. without the idea that it's really there. i'm so lonely with or without him. i just want to wrap my arms around him. why does he make me so weak? why can't i get these things straight in my head?

why can't it just be simple. and in my hands. under my control. not ridiculously above my head.

this is so childish of me.
I am currently Sad
I am listening to 'i know' - fiona apple

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and when i see you, i really see you upside down.
10/13/2008 02:28 p.m.
i feel the melancholy in me this morning.

it was a nice weekend, by the by. free showing of the goonies in a park in south tampa, so a group of us went to that. quite enjoyable and cool weather once the sun goes down. justin was there, but he was actually pleasant. and yesterday, walter and i met with kristen and we had a writing workshop. i wrote a new poem, but forgot to put it online, so i'll have to do that later. we're going to continue this program every sunday.

i watched adaptation last night, and it was interesting. nic cage is a strange fellow.

it's just, i'm not sure, i feel like i'm draining into something. my energy sapped all of a sudden, and i'm just heavy. i'd like to sleep. i'd like to drive empty streets, all people on the earth suddenly disappeared. jump out of the car and spin in the middle of an intersection with my arms outstretched. go into shops and take what i want. free all the animals. go to the tops of skyscrapers and drop reams of paper.
I am currently Melancholy
I am listening to 'all apologies' - nirvana

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these days are falling apart.
10/07/2008 02:22 a.m.
walter lost his job - again. i feel betrayed by brianna and justin. i never see kristen, and seeing her this weekend just reminded me of that fact. not to mention she's all MFA and ready to teach. filling notebooks up with thesis ideas and novels floating in her head. i don't know if i envy what she's doing or just feel sorry for myself because i'm not happy with what i'm doing.

i need to go to bed because my thoughts are rapidly spiraling downward.

what is the point of all of this? these past six years here in tampa? my friendships have all but fallen apart. the only people i truly care about are struggling just as much as i am. i feel like i've been forced to become a hermit because all of this strange webbing of relationships is crossing and doubling back and i'm just getting stuck in it. i don't know who to trust anymore, and it's very discouraging.

i've got a college diploma that i can't even afford to have framed. i have no drive to continue school or try to write and publish something. i have no healthy interpersonal relationships. how can i just wipe it clean and start all over? all of the people i know are just crumbling into nothingness.

i can't believe my uncle is dead. lately, i want to be too. i just want it to stop. i'm so confused. i know 'this too shall pass,' and i'm trying really hard to allow it to pass and keep trying and trying. but i have my limits, you know? i don't know what to do with myself. am i just going to continue struggling for the rest of my life? what kind of life is that? why would i even want to do that?

i'm so tired of getting caught up with people who hurt me. i see something amazing in someone and then i'm shocked to find that they, too, are perfectly flawed and have no problem stabbing me in the back. we're all just human beings, and if no one is perfect, then there's absolutely no way to have a real friendship or trust or commitment. it's all just an illusion. everyone has the capability to break someone's heart. and they always do at some point. it always happens. why should i even bother making friends? how can i continue to trust people? how can i even trust my judgment anymore?

and what is a life with no trust or friends or honesty or loyalty? if it's all an illusion, why are any of us even continuing to breathe?
I am currently Alienated

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monday, september 15, 2008
09/23/2008 07:41 p.m.
this day, in 1954, marilyn made history when her skirt blew up over her head on the subway grate. (the seven year itch)

what a woman.
I am currently O.K.
I am listening to 'window' - fiona apple.

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a cat in the back of the throat.
09/12/2008 01:45 p.m.
i think i'm getting sick. i know when i'm getting sick of something, but when my body gets sick, i can only think about it.

i keep wanting to change the lyrics on my profile, because my mood keeps changing.

i ate a lot of birthday cake ice cream this week. it was good, and of course, i feel guilty.

last night i got that feeling that if something is wrong, in any instance, it will only wind up into the same place. i can go through all of the factors and come to the same conclusion. the only way for any problem to truly be rectified is by death. that's the only ultimate solution to problems with no possiblity of re-visiting.

when i think like that, i give in by only a fraction. i sleep under the weight of nyquil or benadryl, and when i wake up, it has taken its place back under the laundry, hiding for the next chink in my armor. but i don't feel as ashamed of this type of emotional disturbance as long as it isn't about justin. and it wasn't.

i think my tattoos are my real armor. they keep people away when i don't want to be bothered. like religious zealots handing out pamphlets in front of the super walmart.

this morning when i walked downstairs in the office parking garage, i opened the door, and it was pulled from my hands. the cleaning lady was going in as i was exiting, and it scared me. the face she made was jarring, even though she was as surprised as i. i was still in the benadryl daze, with sleep lines still on the side of my cheek, and i didn't know what to make of the situation. i tucked my tail and walked away.

i despise when people make plans that involve me waiting and then don't act immediately as was suggested. i wait and wait and rarely get a fair excuse when and if the plans are actually carried out. it's not the waiting i hate, but the lack of follow-through with people. it matters to me.

upon my request, a co-worker gave me an empty travel-size bottle of ketchup, so i washed it out and now look at it every day. i'm not sure what to do with it.

when i don't feel especially close to anyone, i go on myspace and change my top friends to icons or inanimate objects. that's why i even bother to keep them in my friends list. jesus, marilyn, benjamin 'bugsy' siegel, charlie 'lucky' luciano. those dead pack rats.

my mom sent me a new box with pictures of tea leaves and cups on the top panel. a bottle of 'ocean' body oil broke inside during shipping, so when i open it, the smell pours out, and it reminds me of san diego and my uncle and being younger. all things that won't come back.

the rubber on my headphones is coming off, so when i got home from work yesterday, i went out to have a smoke. when i scratched the inside of my ear, a big piece of the rubber came out. i didn't know what it was at first, and i was startled. i was embarrassed that it had been in my ear since i was at work - it's white.

if you liked 'hedwig and the angry inch,' you should see 'shortbus.' it was my last netflix, and i thought it was intriguing.
I am currently Quiet
I am listening to 'cathedrals' - jump little children

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