you won't let me love you.
09/08/2008 02:46 p.m.
i realized something about him. something i should've thought of a long time ago. i've never met someone who would literally not allow me to love them. he's the first - and what a painful experience it is.

all i want to do is envelope him in my love. i know it's partially the savior/mother complex, because that's who i am as a woman, but he so desperately needs someone to drill through his bullshit and lay it out for him. no one has ever offered to him what i have to give.

i've spent my whole time with him wanting to give him something or do something for him. this is the only thing he hasn't taken or abused. and i know someday he'll let someone in, but god, i wanted it to be me.

it's really discouraging to be denied the ability to reach someone. i wanted it to be me, but i know it isn't and never will be.

he is disappointment, personified.
I am currently Questioning
I am listening to 'lack of color' - death cab for cutie

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uncle mark
08/15/2008 07:24 a.m.
my uncle is dead. it's 3am and my mom called me and she only calls when something is wrong. when someone has died. i knew it when it rang. he accidentally overdosed on his pain medication. god, she's so morbid and she tells me the details. she did that with her dog, bosco, when he died, too. telling me how cold he was when she touched him.

i can't believe uncle mark is dead. i talked to him last monday, aug. 4 on his birthday. there's no one else but me and my mom now. the helmich's are dwindling.

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pathetic greeting
08/14/2008 05:06 p.m.
i like how the home page of pathetic welcomes me, personally, everytime i log in or return.

'welcome back, meghan!' it says. thanks, pathetic. glad to be here.
I am currently O.K.

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ugh
08/13/2008 07:47 p.m.
my bank account is in the negative again. i'm upset because i thought i budgeted it correctly, but i bought my friend a birthday cake and put myself in the negative once a bill cleared. now i'm in the hole $35.

i just can't catch a break. edit: i just called my prescription company and found out that i can save 60 dollars a month for my meds if i sign up for the fill-by-mail program. instead of paying 88 a month for both of my meds, i can get a 3 month supply of both meds for 84 dollars! man, this almost makes up for the fact that i'm in the negative right now. that's 720 bucks a year that i'll be saving.
I am currently Better

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from 'the story of a marriage' - andrew sean greer
08/07/2008 02:47 a.m.
sometimes, this is the only way i can say the things i've told myself to forget. by letting someone else say them.



from 'the story of a marriage' - andrew sean greer

How do you make someone love you? For the very young, there can be nothing harder in the world. You may try as hard as

you like: place yourself beside them, cook their favorite food, bring them wine or sing the love songs you know will

move them. They will not move them. Nothing will move them. You will waste days interpreting the simple banalities of

a phone call; months staring at their soft lips as they talk; you will waste years watching a body sitting in a chair

and willing every muscle to take you across the room and do a simple thing, say a simple word, make them love you, and

you will not do it; you will waste long nights wondering how they cannot feel this-- the urge to embrace, the snowmelt

in the heart when you are near them-- how they can sit in that chair, or speak with those lips, or make a call and

mean nothing by it, hide nothing in their hearts. Or perhaps what they hide is not what you want to see. Because

surely they love someone. It simply isn't you.

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UGH
07/09/2008 03:02 p.m.
i was typing a poem and then the window refreshed for some reason. i lost the whole thing. i'm so irritated. and now it's gone!
I am currently Angry

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