bettie
06/28/2010 08:19 p.m.
Tomorrow, Billy is moving back to the panhandle. He's going to Pensacola to get paid $12/hr to clean up oil on the beaches. I don't know when I'll see him again - it could be a long time. This makes me feel lonely before he even leaves. I'm sure I will cry a ridiculous amount after he goes.

I adopted a free black kitten on Sunday afternoon. I named her Bettie (Page) and she is the best snuggler in the whole world. Thank God for allergy shots so I can have a companion as adorable and loving as this little wumpus.


I am currently Melancholy

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currently.
10/21/2009 03:56 p.m.
1. Missing Billy. I cannot wait for next week when he comes to see me and I get two days off of work and we go to a fun Halloween party. And sex.
2. Working on my Betty Boop costume...safety pins and red satin belts and wedge heels with straps.
3. Taking hot baths when I get home from work while smoking a bowl.
4. Sleeping with my super-plush Eeyore doll that's perfect for holding against my belly (which is still bothering me since the surgery.)
5. Listening to Radiohead's album "In Rainbows," specifically 'House of Cards.'
6. Trying to describe how I feel about Billy without using the word 'love.'
7. Playing Farmville on Facebook. And petting the animals and planting crops.
8. Doing acid on Saturday night with Karina. I had forgotten how intense it is. I did 5 hits of it, so then again, that probably explains the intensity. The tabs had the "Thundercats" symbol on them. And Sunday night when I was finally coming back down, I felt like I was in utero, floating around my apartment in low lighting.
9. Struggling to get to work on time in the mornings.
10. Worrying about my car because it sounds like a dying old man, creaking and groaning with rusty shocks.
11. Working on a Halloween skit for our team at work..."Phantom of the Opera" themed, but very irritating. I hate writing scripts.
12. Looking at the sink full of dirty dishes at home everytime I walk in. I'll get to it eventually, I swear.
I am listening to Aretha Franklin

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Phantom
08/30/2009 11:22 p.m.
I'm MIA. So is my writing.

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jimmie joyce jones
02/26/2009 06:25 p.m.
my grandmother, gams, died today 13 years ago. it was a leap year, and she was buried on the 29th. once that was over and behind me (and when is it ever, really?), i always used to think maybe she's only buried and resting every 4 years. those 3 years between, she's not really anywhere.

i remember when my mom and i visited her grave sometime after, i think it might've been the year anniversary. she's buried in birmingham, alabama where we lived, and it was so cold. and hovering right over her grave was a big fat bumblebee...in the middle of the winter.

she used to tell the story of how she took her dress off at church when she was younger because a bee flew up her skirt. i must've been only about 11 or 12 when we went to the grave and saw that bee.

my grandmother's death marked the end and beginning of me. my mom had already remarried and moved to mississippi. gams was my last tether to childhood...i was 11 when she died, and by 13 i'd slept with my stepbrother and shattered everything that had been built up to that point. everything i've ever done since then, in the back of my mind, i've thought about how she would react. she was like my mother and father. i'd never know the numbness of losing someone so close before then.

i don't really know how to feel about death. i don't think i'll ever know, i guess.
I am currently Sad
I am listening to 'harvest moon' - james mercer (of the shins) cover

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discipline
02/26/2009 04:43 p.m.
chasing after someone who fundamentally doesn't want me. someone said it's because it's safe. but how is it safe? safe because it can never happen? safe would be something that i'm guaranteed to not get hurt doing. but i'm never safe..i'm always out to hurt myself. if there's a will, i'll find a way.

take too long to answer a message.
turn your head when i try to kiss you.
walk away when i put my arms around you.
go to your boyfriend.
cheat on your boyfriend with someone else.

what the hell am i doing? i get a little attention, a little kiss and squeeze, and that must mean it will continue. it won't go away. i'll just get used to it and then feel rejected when it does. who am i?

i feel ridiculous chasing after you. everyone is watching.



Thursday Feb 26, 2009
Use discipline
Discipline is one of your most powerful tools. Use it to your advantage.
Discipline is nothing more than controlling your own behavior. And you've been doing that your whole life.
You have the power to make your own choices and to follow those choices. So make those choices the ones that will raise your life to greater and greater heights.
Every day you have the opportunity to grow stronger. Every moment you have the opportunity to make solid progress.
Use the discipline that is yours to seize those opportunities. Exercise the sweet control over your own actions that will bring great fulfillment to your days.
In discipline is enormous power to which you already have access. Choose to use it, again and again, and there is no limit to the rewards it will bring.




i don't have discipline. i let myself run wild with my emotions. throwing myself at people. tossing my own heart around like a baseball. won't someone catch it? but no one does. this outfield metaphor is stupid.
I am currently Alienated
I am listening to 'stuck in the middle with you' - stealer's wheel

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drinking at nick's last night.
02/18/2009 01:36 p.m.
we stand in the kitchen, your back to the sink leaning against the counter, and our chests push together. i lean in and put my forehead against yours, and your lips brush mine - not quite a kiss. you just took a sip of your drink and your lips are cool next to mine. even this kiss is a tease, brushing back and forth with noses passing each other softly. warm lips against cool lips, mouths open slightly and then brush past again. i feel your body underneath mine and all i can do is close my eyes and savor the feeling of you against me.
I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to 'eventually' - pink

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fort pulaski.
02/17/2009 06:51 p.m.
we were in savannah this weekend. the only moment that keeps replaying in my mind is at the fort. hiding in the pitch black magazine and watching you step in, totally blind. it was the perfect chance to jump out at you and scare you to death. i was so proud of myself. and you screamed and then turned toward me. it was dark and i could still feel the energy. you growled, low in your throat, and started pushing me back until i hit the wall. cold stone wall pressing against my back and your hands around my arms, on my sides. your face in my neck, breathing heavy. immediately, my body became electrified. i could feel it in my toes and fingertips. every inch of me stood on edge and screamed for you. all i could do was moan in your ear. it was so fleeting, but your presence is always so overwhelming. you just consumed me within seconds, and i was just a rag doll in your arms. it still makes my breath hitch in my throat. i couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the trip. here i am at work, three days later, and i'm so overwhelmed by it, i have to write it out to get it off of my brain.

i just want you to take me. i want to feel your hands all over me.
I am currently Lustful
I am listening to 'there goes the neighborhood' - sheryl crow

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cycling
02/11/2009 02:11 p.m.
i'm cycling this week, and it's really giving me a rough time. yesterday i got all manic, and now i really just want to lie down in my bed and sleep forever. i can't even look in the mirror without cringing. i feel so fat and ugly. i've got this lump in my throat...i just want to cry and cry.

the sad thing is that there's a voice inside telling me that it's temporary. i'll feel better next week, i know i will. but right now, it's all-consuming. and i hate myself. i don't even want to look at myself. i feel like a waste of space.

i want to disappear :(
I am currently Pathetic

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manic
02/09/2009 08:08 p.m.
i'm manic again, just washed over me like it always does. i'll be getting my period on or around next weekend, so i'm not surprised by this episode. but it's embarassing. i told julio and he came over to give me a hug and says 'i've never seen you this way before.' and i just feel stupid. and helpless because i can't control this crap. at least not in these circumstances.

and i always get it here at work, where i'm sitting and i can't do anything but bang out a bunch of loans at an inhuman speed because it's all i can do to keep myself from flipping out. i feel like i need to get into a fight and run a mile and cry all at once.

it will go away eventually. soon, i'm sure. but it feels like an eternity. i just keep clenching and unclenching my fists. it's just that no one gets it.

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arms out.
01/14/2009 02:43 p.m.
i am now convinced that i do, indeed, run on love. lol it's my fuel, it gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. it gives me a reason to fall asleep at night even when i'm not tired, just so i can wake up again. it helps clear my mind of toxic people and clean out the negativity.

not that i'm in love. let us not throw this word around. but of course, i have a crush.

god, i'm so sixth grade it hurts.
I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to 'sing for absolution' - muse

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