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The Journal of Meghan Helmich

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10/26/2011 06:26 p.m.
I wish I could speak every language in the world. I would say such great things.
I am currently Cool
I am listening to "Chan Chan" - Buena Vista Social Club

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not a poem
10/19/2011 07:13 p.m.
Some days I remember that I'm afraid of being happy
and how I do drugs to wear myself down
so he won't want me, so he'll leave
me wondering what happened.
And how I overeat to build a wall
that separates me from everyone.

My therapist tells me to work on my self-awareness,
to question my motives and
to stop and realize that she hates me
because she wants to be me.
Clearly there is a miscommunication here.
I don't even want to be me.

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It may be a little biased but at least I spelled your name right
10/19/2011 05:19 p.m.
It's so wonderful outside. Cool and windy and sprinkling. I just want to sit outside and smoke all day. Maybe write, if I'm lucky.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to 'natural anthem' - the postal service

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Useless
10/17/2011 11:36 p.m.
I feel absolutely impotent when I can't come up with a poem. Or anything creative. I'm so frustrated.

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Random
10/13/2011 01:21 p.m.
Last night someone told me I had skin like porcelain. All I could think of were the dolls with the big, glassy, black eyes. Creepy.
I am listening to 'war pigs' - black sabbath

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into your arms
09/30/2011 05:32 p.m.
if someone put a roxy in front of me today, right now, i wouldn't even hesitate. that scares me.
I am listening to the comas

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entry
09/23/2011 07:44 p.m.
I wish my mom wasn't visiting.
I am currently Detached
I am listening to 'someday you will be loved ' - DCFC

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from "The Lovers," Vendela Vida
09/20/2011 07:56 p.m.
The only logical thing was for him to sit back in his seat and say, "Whoa, what a mess!" But he wasn't sitting back. He wasn't talking. She needed only to get him to talk. She touched his cheek, as if to begin the process, to lead his muscles to speak. Blood coursed from his mouth and over her fingers. "Peter!" A dozen people were watching now. She sensed someone trying to pull her away. "Peter!" She wanted him to begin talking so it would be she and him again. Not these people. If only he would speak, the two of them could talk about how terrifying the accident had been, how scared he was, and how Yvonne had seen it from the video store. "I saw the car coming toward you!" she would say. "You did?" Peter would say, his eyes open in his certain way, his way of expressing utter amazement at the things that could happen in life. "Oh my God, what a nightmare," he would say. But his mouth did not move.
I am currently Brooding
I am listening to 'while my guitar gently weeps'

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Any good
07/20/2011 12:23 p.m.
I'm back and 77 days sober. One day at a time...
I am currently Content
I am listening to Fiona Apple

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If this is it..
04/28/2011 03:22 p.m.
I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm going on a vacation...I'm going in to detox and rehab (probably starting next week) for this shit that I've gotten myself into. I hope that I can find happiness by the time I get out. I'm terrified and ashamed and all the stuff that goes with it, but I know that if I don't do this now, I will not be on this earth much longer. I've got nothing to live for these days except those pills. And I just can't do it anymore.

I don't know if I deserve it, but if you pray, please send one out for me. I think this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do...and I have to do it by myself.

Love you guys. Trying to love myself.
I am currently Anxious

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