i just put this here so i have it somewhere.
07/10/2004 04:55 a.m.

fear is the most prevalent of emotions, and the most unwarranted.

never has there been anything as great or as powerful as fear; and nothing has accomplished as little.

it is vast. it comes from all directions. it creeps in at the movies when the man in the mask inches closer to the poor helpless blonde. it brainwashes, it is chewed and regurgitated and molded to the ears of the public. it comes from the white house, from michael moore, from inside your head. it tells you to do things, it insists that you don't. it is a virus, a catalyst.

and yet, fear is simple and ultimately, unnecessary. ridiculous, even. what is it about the fictitious actions of non-real persons that keep us on the ends of our seats? what is so frightening about kissing a lover for the first time? or starting something new? or the dark? or clowns?

nothing?

fear is a chameleon. and on that note, some fear, in spite of itself, is useful and, to contradict myself, necessary. propaganda is, perhaps, the most powerful method of influence known to man. the one sided telling of events and situations have persuaded populations for generations. our current administration has support from its people on the basis of fear. and for them, it is vital that it stays that way.

it's a funny thing, fear is. for the test of man is not what he does in the face of fear, instead, it is what he does regardless, when he forgets it ever existed.



this had no real point. it's late, and i was bored, and my brain caught me thinking/over analyzing. i'm afraid i will read this tomorrow and realize none of it made any sense to begin with.

I am currently Thoughtfull
I am listening to polyphonic spree

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***
06/24/2004 05:23 a.m.

sometimes i wonder what would happen if anyone found this. i hate to think of everything i could lose if that happened. and unfortunately, it is inevitable.


I am currently Troubled
I am listening to elvis costello

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*
06/15/2004 04:21 a.m.

i found out so much about you today from unreliable sources. i don't know if i can strain the fact from the fiction, and i don't know if i want to. i just want everything she said to be true. oh, and i'd like to smile and fall into your kiss.

you so wanted to anyway..


I am currently Happy
I am listening to modest mouse

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_____she's hurting people in a better world
06/09/2004 09:32 p.m.

understand!

if i kiss anyone it is going to be on my own terms. i am tired of doing everything for others.

other than that, we were so close last night and it scared me. but guess what! i can see the top of this mountain and the other side is warm and welcoming.

please wait for me. i can't do this without you.


I am currently Calm
I am listening to franz ferdinand

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thank you for making it that much easier for me.
05/21/2004 04:30 a.m.

really. thank you. because now i can miss you without missing you. and for every boy who's tongue thrusts in and out of my mouth i won't have to think that yours was once there too.

and i won't have to be sad that it isn't yours.

i'm selfish and i'm sorry. i like you, but i like not hurting more.

I am currently Reflective
I am listening to bright eyes

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* if you go i will surely die
05/20/2004 02:31 p.m.

please don't kiss me
tonight, boy.
i don't want to miss
you when i leave in
the morning.

I am currently Lovesick
I am listening to the fire theft

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if three words could heal you i'd speak only two.
05/18/2004 03:18 a.m.

i hate this. and you, most of all. you lied and i found out and worst of all, you half expected me to. you were waiting for me to clench my fists and maul them against your body as you read the lines written for you late last night. i hate you and i hate not hating you all at once and it's become too much. just shy away since that's what you're good at. leave me with my anger, it's all i have anyway.

I am currently Hurt
I am listening to pixies (because every word reminds me of you)

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despite everything, i still believe people are better off alone
05/15/2004 02:41 p.m.

last night i
stared at the stars
for hours.
and i cried underneath them
just because i could.
I am currently Overwhelmed
I am listening to the unicorns

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the good times are killing me.
05/15/2004 03:27 a.m.

i change my mind. i want to go on that cruise. and i will keep polaroid snapshots of every boy who thought i was beautiful when they were drunk. it will be a constant reminder of why i was never good enough for you to begin with.
I am currently Depressed

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i do no accept drinks from disapproving gentlemen.
05/08/2004 07:31 p.m.
after worrying this entire week, last night confirmed that everything was just misplaced and nothing i felt was real. i caught him at the wrong times and i was cold because i thought he was being that way. i need to teach myself to stop looking at what's just on the surface of everything. i was shaking on the phone and i was so nervous and i can't believe how ridiculous that was. i just need to calm down and take everything one step at a time instead of thinking that this world is just out to get me. if i've learned anything, it's that the bruises heal and even the scars left behind can be covered with the right makeup.
I am currently Better
I am listening to the thrills

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