...
10/04/2004 03:09 a.m.

i guess you'll never understand how painful this is, or how badly i just want it to end. myabe i just want to see you, and maybe i just want to be top three on that list.



(god knows i'm not even top ten

and that you'll never understand



me)


I am currently Hurt
I am listening to ...

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...
10/02/2004 05:25 p.m.

let's begin.

let's begin with death.
it is obvious and red
and hot, and let me tell
you, god does it burn.

it is hard, and i am sure
you've seen pictures,
but have you felt the warmth
in your home evaporate
with the news of an
impersonal homecoming?

(do you know what it's like
to trace the contour of a
brothersonfatherunclelover
with eyes that will never meet?)

and the tears, tears that wither
away before they can fall,
because there are too many,
and it's too soon and there is
just not enough room,

for them at all.

and with empty eyes, you feel;
and i believe very little
of what is written for you.

i believe in pain, for we have
felt it; and i believe in
goodbyes, though sometimes
they are never achieved; and
i believe in death, because it
is ringing from the top of my
lungs and aching from the core
of my country.

i blame you, mister president,
for not knowing what death is.


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this is where i say i've had enough.
09/13/2004 03:53 a.m.

i should not feel like this. this should not feel like this. i cried on the way home. after everyone was gone. i did, and you made me. you should not make me feel like this. but you are. this wasn't the first time, but it definently was the worst.

I am currently Unhappy
I am listening to franz ferdinand (i just saw them live!!!)

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love.
09/12/2004 04:42 a.m.

i hate that word. i hate everything about it. i hate how i do not and can not feel it. i hate how it has no meaning. i hate how empty it feels when someone says it to me.


I am currently Empty
I am listening to ted leo&the pharmacists- timorous me

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you're a part time lover and a full time friend.
08/31/2004 03:02 a.m.

what is it with boys and never, ever calling when they're supposed to? i'm really hyper because i actually found a crime and punishment passage all on my own. i just want to brag about that somewhere!

I am currently Better
I am listening to yeah yeah yeahs- MAPS

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cause when i look at you i squint, you are that beautiful.
08/19/2004 12:33 a.m.

greg really is the nicest boy to me. god knows i don't deserve it. or him. i always treat the ones i care most about the worst. apparently it is some kind of defense mechanism. i just think i cannot handle being someone to anyone. i wish i knew what i was saying. i desperately need to lie down.

I am currently Bleh
I am listening to cat power

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she laid down in her party dress and never got up.
08/18/2004 02:59 a.m.

the past hour has been a complete mistake. i could vomit regret i feel so much of it.
I am currently Troubled
I am listening to ani difranco (slide)

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...
08/17/2004 12:09 a.m.

it's grown increasingly difficult to write now that i am happy. i hate that word. it is so ambiguous and in the air. happiness to me means being vulnerable. it means letting your guard down and letting people in. i hate such things. i really don't know why i build a wall around me, but i really don't think it's too hard to be taken down. i know few who have done it. and those few make me so happy, making this entire rant full circle. i like to claim happiness without the strings attached. rather, i would like to assert that i am not sad and fully in control of my emotions (how rare, i know). i cannot, however, take full responsibilty for such feelings and that in itself is frightening. it leads me to believe that i am incapable of my own happiness and will eternally depend on others to support me in that way. i am not sure how much of a burden this is on those who will be carrying it, i just hope they are up for the job. in return i would love to be the bearer (is that a word?) of their happiness, though sometimes i question my capability. what i am trying to say is, i want to write and i want to be happy and i can't seem to have both. that's frustrating. my muse seems to be malcontent, as in, the act of being discontent is in itelf my muse, which is very depressing. i just need to move passed this stage of immaturity as a teenage writer. not everything that is worth writing about is sad. i guess i just need to keep that in mind.

kudos, lauren.


I am currently Cool
I am listening to the moldy peaches

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i don't know.
08/07/2004 06:55 a.m.

he called me his girlfriend tonight. twice.


I am currently Good
I am listening to french kicks

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*
07/31/2004 03:09 a.m.

to be honest, i don't care what it is. i don't even need to hear the words to know what it is you are going to say. your voice killed everything in me anyway. it's funny, because you are probably beating yourself up more than i ever will.

he doesn't understand that i simply cannot be angry with him. we made no promises, there will be no broken hearts.

on another yet very similar note, my chest feels as if it is about to implode. and as cool as that sounds, it is quite an awful feeling.

I am currently Unsure
I am listening to elvis costello

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