name change.
02/05/2005 07:16 a.m.

to make a longer, much more dramatic story shorter and far less dramatic, my father found this. and to say i don't want that is an understatement.
I am currently Refreshed
I am listening to cocorosie

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...
01/23/2005 06:06 a.m.

if he's in his room sleeping like his mother says i'll be okay. if he's crying or cold or if he's just not listening i don't know what we will be in the morning. i hope he doesn't wake with a bitter taste on his tongue. and if he does, i hope that, despite it, he will call and let me kiss him one last time. even if it is just a goodbye.
I am currently Melancholy

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...
12/19/2004 05:33 a.m.

i have the cutest picture of me and greg. it's the sort of thing that in fifty years, i will show it to my grandchildren and say something along the lines of: this, here, was the first boy who stole my heart. this is what first love looks like.

and maybe i don't feel that way now. maybe i do. i guess i don't want to make that decision. once it's decided everything kind of loses that innocence and it starts to feel like something i have to do, instead of something i want to do. and i don't want that. i don't want to turn into an old, married couple on the brink of my 18th birthday.

i really feel that this picture is what happiness looks like. i've never seen anything more beautiful.


I am currently Geeky

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...
12/17/2004 07:13 p.m.

and every time i do this to myself i think of how i would rather be with you. i know you say the same, and i know i push you away. i guess i just wish you would stop me. next time i try to do it, grab my hands and shake me and tell me you love me even though it will scare me. stop me before i can kill myself, and i promise i won't burn you in the process.


I am currently Bleh
I am listening to lost in translation

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this is not how i feel. this is how it is.
12/13/2004 03:46 a.m.

he does not lay sprawled out on the floor like i envisioned him to be. instead he curls like a question mark, dangling from my every word. i am one giant uncertainty. and he knows it. he speaks to me as if i have heard it all before, although he thinks i have not. i have not been in love, i tell him, because it is what he wants to hear. i do not believe in it, kind of like i don't believe in breathing or god. and deep down, he is spiteful for that, though he'd never, ever admit it. everything i need to say to him would be like chewing tar to stay alive. and god, i am dying of hunger. the main problem is not the lack of daily bread, he says, (we have enough of that) the problem is getting it down without choking.

it's killing me. he's right.


I am currently Scattered
I am listening to ...

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...
11/20/2004 04:33 a.m.

ahhh! so i freaked out, but i don't feel bad because greg, of course, got really defensive and angry, and now i am the victimizer and he, the victim. that used to be my game. i guess i was like that in seventh grade; now i just get hurt and cry a lot. a lot. a lot. which is really unfortunate because it is tiresome and annoying.


I am currently Tired
I am listening to atmosphere- scapegoat

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it's harder than you know.
10/27/2004 01:23 a.m.

i am so tired of being a fucking convenience. "i'm just so busy," resonates throughout me, echoing in every concave, every shadow of my aching body. as if everything i do isn't already enough. it's just he's "so busy!" you know, doing those things that really matter. like hanging out with my ex-best friend nearly four times the amount he sees me. and i'm not complaining! god knows he's "so busy!" he just can't fit me in! and i completely understand. but, why does he insist on having a girlfriend if the only time he wants to see her is in the darkness of theatre or the solidtude of his basement? what i want to know is: what is he hiding from? and why is he so goddamn ashamed?


I am currently Hurt
I am listening to i just saw i <3 huckabees

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sometimes i think you're falling.
10/20/2004 09:29 p.m.

it seems the more i try to make everything better, the harder it becomes, and subsequently, the further away i get from actually doing so. i am really tired of constantly bickering. and as silly as it sounds, i was happier when we were nothing. i kind of liked the chase and never knowing where i stood. i saw him a lot more then, even though i like him about the same now. and it seems that my constant crying is over as well. though, i still can't do anything for myself, and i still have a fatal fear of mirrors. heh.


I am currently Fine
I am listening to john wesley harding- i'm wrong about everything

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you know it's a crying shame
10/13/2004 09:24 p.m.


i feel so ill. i just keep thinking that if i keep trying, things will eventually get better & easier. and after months of convincing myself of this, i see how untrue it ended up being. tomorrow is the pixies concert that i have been looking forward to for eternity and right now, i don't even want to go. i just cannot see myself having a good time at all. everything hurts and no one could possibly understand why. i am the worst girlfriend/friend on the face of this earth and i wish i would just drop from it. greg has to come back to the EC tomorrow night after the concert because of me and i hate that. we were going to stay at scott's but my mother will not let me, and i kind of just don't want to, but his parents allowed him and he wants to. but i am hindering him from doing that. and i hate it. and he's angry at me because everything he says to me makes me feel stupid. like i am his annoying kid sister or someone he thinks very little of. he doesn't understand this, and he never will because that's just the way greg is. i don't like the feeling that i like him so much more than he likes me. i hate questioning everything i do and think and feel and say. i want to sleep and never awaken but i can't. i am stuck droning through the day like i have been the past seventeen plus years of my life.


oh. and why can't i stop crying?


I am currently Sad
I am listening to nothing

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the postal service.
10/06/2004 12:31 a.m.

i think if he spoke these words to me, i'd be happier than ever,

"i'll be the platform shoes that undo what heredity's done to you; you won't have to strain to look into my eyes."

six foot zero versus four foot eleven. wha wha!



p.s, i think i am going crazy!! my entries on here are so bipolar!

I am currently Giddy
I am listening to the postal service

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