i'm not joking; this is breaking my heart.
08/29/2005 05:04 a.m.

a few days ago i threw away quite lofty sum on a plane ticket to see my "boyfriend" in october. he's in austin now, where pretty girls are in no short supply. i'm stuck in athens and i'm lonely and i miss him. i can be honest. brutually so. but today he calls me and tells me the weekend i already booked tickets for, the weekend he already confirmed as okay, is now no longer so. apparently, the weekend i was to go up is also parent weekend. i don't know, i guess the two are mutually exclusive, and he can't see me AND his parents in the same weekend. he won't give me a straight answer, but by tomorrow, i will know whether or not i need to CANCEL my ticket.

if i have to cancel it (it will cost me an additional $130 to do so) i will never speak to him again. i am not joking.


I am currently Angry
I am listening to white stripes- apple blossom

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08/23/2005 02:46 a.m.

no one is here to ask me how i'm doing, probably because no one knows anything is wrong.

but god, my heart has shattered into nine thousand razorsharp pieces that stab in the softest spots as i breathe.

and i know i'm cliche. and i don't care. i said goodbye to the biggest part of my heart today, so don't blame me when the keyboard is stained with teardrops and my face is smeared with mascara.


I am currently Lovesick

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it's hip to be a mess.
07/18/2005 07:41 p.m.

it's weird. when everything looks like it's all coming together, it's only really slowly coming apart. not really, of course, because nothing with me is any worse than it seems. but it does make me wonder: when they stare at the scars on my thighs, do they really feel bad for me, or do they just think i'm way more fucked up than they thought. not that it matters, everyone knows better than to open their mouths.


I am currently Fine

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this is what i am tired of.
05/23/2005 08:59 p.m.

if i have to put up with him getting angry at me and making me feel like shit one more time after purposely hurting me, i swear it's over. i don't care about italy. i barely even care about him anymore.


I am currently Unhappy

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no, you are not who you used to be.
05/03/2005 07:13 p.m.

it's more than just forgetting now. it's about coming up with enough air to finally pack up my things and walk away. but let's get one thing straight before i do: this'll be the last time you ever make this mistake again.


I am currently Angry
I am listening to bright eyes- neely o'hara

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04/19/2005 07:09 p.m.

why is my boyfriend such an asshole?



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03/25/2005 09:57 p.m.

here's the truth. i hope to god you are ready for it.

i think you try too hard. you think that you are not worthy of me, of being in love, of being loved. you think that by recontructing yourself, i'll like you more, i'll care about you a little deeper. and the thing is, the thing i have been saying all along is, i see through that. i don't like this hipper, holier-than-thou boy you have become. maybe when we are both real, we can learn to heal what you have battered and bruised.

i think i frighten you. i know i frighten you. and you are too much of a man, too much of a boy trying to be a man, to let it show. you won't understand my scars until you trace them with your fingertips. i don't expect you to understand where i was then, or even why i still do it now. you can't accept everything that i am until you finally acknowledge that i exist. i exist outside of this mentally sober girl you think i am. i am the product of almost a year of emotional distraught caused by the boy i thought i loved. he would tear me down because it made him feel better. he would destroy me if it would save his life. it would kill you to know that you cause me the same pain that jordan did. and you don't deserve that. but then again, neither do i.

there are so many more truths, but i can only battle so many before i feel like the roof is going to collapse on me. that, and i am beginning to feel like this is unfair to you...

so i think i need to find a place where we are not so plastic, not so fake. we need to learn to breathe and once again begin to feel our hearts beat, for real this time. today i realized that i am not ready to give up. i give up too often. it is so easy for me to just let go of everything, instead of spending a lifetime trying to put the pieces back together. if i let myself heal three years ago, i would not be the way i am now. i would not be hurting myself, and you, in the fashion we have grown so accustom to. and for that, i ask for forgiveness. i am sorry for being such a burden, for making you hurt, for scaring you with everything that i am. i want to know that i am easier to calculate than this, i need to know that. this is my heart, as complex and twisted as it seems. this is something you will never see. you will never be able to grasp this in your hands. but by writing this, i hope i can learn to forgive you, forgive you for not understanding me, for mistaking me, and for hurting me perhaps deeper than i have yet to be hurt. you don't deserve these words, at least not now, but i do. i deserve forgiveness and i deserve to have my life back. because if i spend another night crying longer than i do sleeping, i swear i will grow into something you will learn to regret.

I am currently Strong
I am listening to silence

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02/24/2005 12:33 a.m.

"wait," she screamed. but it was too late. he was already gone.


I am currently Helpless
I am listening to m.ward- paul's song

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02/20/2005 05:13 a.m.

it's a really quite sad when you realize that you just don't like someone anymore. it's not even that i like this person differently, or less; i just don't like him at all any longer. and i feel awful. sick even. i know saying this is just fucking everything up; and i know i may be squandering the best thing that has yet to happen to me, but i don't care. i hate the person he has turned into, i hate that he doesn't care or try to change it. and i hate, hate, hate that he acts like everything is fine. i guess that's the saddest part: he might think that that's actually true.

I am currently Depressed
I am listening to interpol

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02/08/2005 03:23 a.m.

i'm not really sure, so don't take my word for it. but i really think so. and that in itself makes me smile.


I am currently Geeky
I am listening to interpol

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