My energy needs direction
03/17/2004 03:19 a.m.

10:17 p.m.

I am often told to write ‘whatever’ is on my mind…just for the sake of release. To deflate the pressure that isn’t really there. But I didn’t know that it wasn’t there. So the emotional pallat needs cleansing. My nights are alive with visions of scrambled meanings. A nightly dose of truth…and so the registered inputs must escape…deflate the pressure in my brain. Though if I knew how, I would find a way to increase the amount of input my brain could handle in one day…

I am currently Hyper
I am listening to My new MP3 player!

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What? (6:20 pm)
03/12/2004 11:17 p.m.

There was a news story on CNN. It was about Toyota engineers building a robot that can play a mean-ass trumpet. The robot uses synthetic lungs and lips to play the instrument! It is an adorable all white boxy creature on wheels holding a trumpet to its lips. Toyota already uses robots to build their cars so they have extensive research in this area. They plan on building similar robots in the future to help the handicapped and disabled.

After narrating the story, the commentator smiled and looked at his partner.

She turned to him and said, very thoughtfully, “You know I’d rather hear REAL people play the music, REAL music.”

Hahahahahaha…am I the only one who thinks this is hysterical?

I am currently Bothered
I am listening to My screaming back...

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Brain Freeze (7:42 pm)
03/12/2004 12:38 a.m.

I JUST had a BRILLIANT thought! So I came here. Now I'm writing this...

Though I do remember it had something BRILLIANT to do with the process of writing a poem...Hahahahahaha!

I'm laughing so HARD right now!

I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to Seinfeld Reruns 'Burning my Brain'

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A Story to Share
03/09/2004 06:26 p.m.


First of all it's 1:33 pm - I'm never in the right time zone hahahah though it's correct on my settings (I'm in the same 'zone' as NY damn it!) hahaha ok anyway
I came across this story some months ago and thought it was wonderful so I'm sharing:

"A Sweet Lesson in Humanity"

Years ago, a 10-year-old boy approached the counter of a soda shop and climbed on to a stool. “What does an ice cream sundae cost?” he asked the waitress.

“Fifty cents,” she answered.

The youngster reached deep in his pockets and pulled out an assortment of change, counting it carefully as the waitress grew impatient. She had “bigger” customers to wait on.

“Well, how much would just plain ice cream be?” the boy asked.

The waitress responded with noticeable irritation in her voice, “Thirty-five cents.”

Again, the boy slowly counted his money. “May I have some plain ice cream in a dish then, please?” He gave the waitress the correct amount, and she brought him the ice cream.

Later, the waitress returned to clear the boy’s dish and when she picked it up, she felt a lump in her throat. There on the counter the boy had left two nickels and five pennies. She realized that he had had enough money for the sundae, but sacrificed it so that he could leave her a tip.

The moral: Before passing judgment, first treat others with courtesy, dignity, and respect.

Adapted from A Lifetime of Success
Pat Williams
Fleming H. Revell

I am currently Friendly
I am listening to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

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1:00 pm
02/10/2004 05:59 p.m.


I watched her try on my dresses one after the other as I handed them over. Her body slid with ease into every one, her face bright and beautiful, her waist almost non existant, her legs slender and glowing, her hair natural gold...she is, in totality, beautiful. I was so happy that night. I wanted to give them all to her. To project my desires onto her...to fit as I wanted to fit.
My necklace, my earings, my dresses all hanging, waiting, I suspected for me. But now they are all relics. History. I have consumed, it seems, all the world in one grotesque animalistic shovel down the throat and into the expanding belly. Why is it that what I want....no what I need most in my life has been the most elusive - why do my initial intending ACTIONS always fail in the end? It doesn't matter anyway because I have shed my tears and started over yet AGAIN.

I RESOLVE to start again and again and again...to kill the demon once and for all...with logic, strength, and help...because I know I have to do this myself...but not alone.


I am currently Anxious
I am listening to The Cranberries

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2:30 a.m.
02/08/2004 07:28 a.m.

"and the wild wild horses couldn't drag me away..."

Tomorrow the boys go racing :-) Still, I'm so thankful Amy will be there...and I'm thankful in general...for life.

I am currently Romantic
I am listening to A Mix

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Why am I awake?
02/01/2004 08:10 a.m.
It's 3:00 a.m. I've been reading for so long now...journal entries mostly. Going way back...very interesting reads.

I have practiced moving my attention slowly as my hand might move. But I could never get the picture of my hand out of my mind. I am such of a visual person. I wanted to pay attention to my subject and move to the other subject seamlessly, but instead I found myself thinking all the time about the flowing hand movement, trying to associate that with my seamless shift of attention. But I'm happy with this exercise because I remembered to remember my intending self...or maybe I am sleepwriting...one or the other hahaaha!


I am currently Tired
I am listening to computer hum

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SUPERBOWL SUNDAY!!!
01/30/2004 10:16 p.m.


GO PANTHERS....Kick some Patriot ASS!!!!!!

Yeah Baaby!!!

The city of Charlotte is dancing and shouting triumphantly together as they never have before...it is the fever that has gripped the entire state...SUPERBOWL fever and we are FINALLY THERE!!!

And damn it all to hell if we don't have us a hellova PAR-TAAY this Sunday full of face paint, big screen T.V.'s and lots and lots of beer!!!
Y'all who are watching have FUN...and for those Patriot fans...SEE YA! Hahahaha! (all in fun hee hee)


I am currently Giddy
I am listening to my hyper thoughts rambling on and on....

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"The Origin of Love" Hedwig & the Angry Inch
01/30/2004 01:49 a.m.
I love this story/song about the origin of love. For anyone who might be interested it's rather a beautiful portrayal and so I thought I'd share (if you haven't heard it):

When the Earth was still flat
And the clouds made of fire
And the mountains stretched up to the sky
Sometimes higher…

Folks roamed the Earth
Like big rolling kegs
They had two sets of arms
They had two sets of legs
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked while they read

And they never knew nothing of love. It was before....the origin of love.

And there were three sexes then
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back
Called the Children of the Sun

And similar in shape and girth
Was the Children of the Earth
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one

And the children of the moon
Looked like a fork stuck on a spoon
They was part Sun part Earth
Part Daughter part Sun!

Oooh….the origin of love

And the Gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance and
Thor said, "I'm gonna kill 'em all with my
hammer...like I killed the giants"

But Zeus said "No...you'd better let me use my lightning
Like scissors, like I cut the legs of the whales...
Dinosaurs into lizards"

And then he grabbed up some bolts,
He let out a laugh
Said "I'll split 'em right down the middle,
gonna cut 'em right down in half"

And the storm clouds gathered above
Into GREAT BALLS OF FIRE.....

And then FIRE
SHOT DOWN
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades from a knife!

And it ripped right through the flesh
of the children of the
Sun and the Moon and the Earth…

And so mending God
Sewed the wound up to a hole
Pulled around to our belly to
Remind us of the price we paid

Then Osiris and the Gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane
To scare us away
A flood of wind and rain
A sea of tidal waves
To wash us ALL AWAY!

And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
We'll be hoppin' round on one foot
And lookin' through one eye!

The last time I saw you
We'd just split in two
You was lookin' at me
I was lookin' at you

You had a way so familiar
I could not recognize cause
You had blood on your face
I had blood in my eyes

But I could tell by your
Expression that the pain
Down in your SOUL was the
SAME as the one down in mine

That's the pain...that cuts a straight line down through the heart – we call it LOVE

We put our arms around each other
Tried to SHOVE our SELVES
BACK TOGETHER!

We was MAKING LOVE...MAKING LOVE

It was a cold dark evening
Such a long time ago
And by the mighty
Hand of Jove

It’s a sad story how we became lonely two legged creatures….but that…

That’s the origin of love.



Oh yeah! Gotta love it! Hahahaha


I am currently Calm
I am listening to Seinfeld

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Expression of a BF (Revised)
01/28/2004 11:05 p.m.
I wrote this, not today, but a few days ago. I posted, deleted, revised, and now am reposting.

I am now trying to write as badly as I possibly can. Here goes:

Could anything be more hopeful than this?
I was just dreaming of coffee and fruit shaped marzipan
When I remembered subconsciously of you, of our conversations
And where they might lead
I thought, “I don’t have to be tired right now, dreaming erratically”
If I believe I can’t wake up then why would I wake up?
Applied. Success.

The puzzle that is your library

I wonder who you are and how you live
I imagine you WITHIN, WITHOUT,
INSIDE, OUT
Your drops of water
Your flowing stream
Jumping over to
the other stream
Trying to control your dreams
Thinking, intending, hard working,
Writing, reading, philosophizing
Putting into action, squashing the mechanical

I brim in anticipation of your thoughts
Thinking maybe you know a truth
About BEING, about chance and fate,
About intensions, enlightenment,
Controls, intended self,

Indeed I wonder so much about you
About why you talk to me, one who
Knows so little about what you know

Then I think about that balance
Needed in any successful relationship
Needed in every space of space
And every space of time…

I walk into the inside of my room and walk the path
To the inside of your room,
Together we meet inside the rooms within our rooms
Face to face, on equal ground,
Minds close
And all the while we are learning

I am currently Affectionate
I am listening to Breathing Dogs

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