Finally, A Date!!!!
06/18/2004 07:32 p.m.


Oh yes I have a date tonight! Dinner and a movie...oh how long it's been! Maybe he'll even try and put his arm around me! hahahahaha


I am currently Giddy
I am listening to squeeky office chair

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Blah Blah Blah...
06/11/2004 10:14 p.m.
(6:11 p.m.)


The weekend is here and I am to say "hooray" though here is where the main struggle begins...

"having fun" is, after all, not all it's cracked up to be when 'fun' is an all consuming self that needs banishment from the not so vast lands of Rula hahahahahahahaha

I love laughing!! It's so great!!!


I am currently Calm
I am listening to Children wrestling for my attention

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Don't Close Your Eyes
06/02/2004 06:19 p.m.
(2:17 p.m.)


I fight with my eyes to stay alive but they creep steadily
and slowly towards oblivion and all the while
I stretch them wide with fingers that only moments ago
popped 2 Tylenol PM's *gulp* down the hatch...


Now is the time to struggle and laugh at this hypocritical self deriving energies hahahahahahaha! Time to grab the reigns and predetermine my WIN


So I end regrets and bury the past that only moments ago was present though I was not,
and strive to BE...









I am currently Tired
I am listening to John Lennon - Imagine

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Kicked Good - A Tribute...
05/31/2004 11:38 p.m.
(7:31 p.m)


To 'know' is one thing,

to 'do' something else...

thanks to love's persistence, unrestrained in its restraint,

I DO...
Mood: Hopeful
I am listening to Seinfeld

Comments (2)

Phantom Limb
05/28/2004 06:58 p.m.
(2:57 p.m.)

I was stretched out on the couch typing away on my lap top when I glimpsed over at my foot...I just stared at it for a moment...something felt very unusual...it was not my foot somehow! Hahahahaha

It was like I was looking at someone else's body part and not one that was attached to me or one that I could feel or even recognize.

The feeling lasted a few moments until I finally decided to try and move my toes...to my shock they moved!!

Hahahahahaha!

Hmmm...I think I might be a few sandwiches short of a picnic, or maybe, my foot was simply in the process of falling asleep hahahaha

I am currently Tired
I am listening to Light's humming

Comments (1)

(12:22 pm)
05/18/2004 04:24 p.m.


Self Diagnosis: Emotional Idiot



Treatment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



I am currently Empty
I am listening to The lump in my throat

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Heartless
05/12/2004 11:24 p.m.
7:22 p.m.


I was so angry a moment ago in reaction to uncontrolled anger.
I returned to myself and saw the irony present,
this immediately shifted my tone to emit a
vibe of complete callousness.
Interestingly, I feel so calm. So fine being 'callous'...very FINE


I am currently Apathetic
I am listening to Seinfeld "yadda yadda yadda"

Comments (2)

If Only It Were Always In The Forefront
04/30/2004 10:38 p.m.


Remember that you're not fighting death,
you could be fighting it,

you will be one day sooner or later, maybe sooner...

just remember NOW...



But no regrets...except for every moment to moment that I still hold this cigarette hahahahahaha!



I am currently Paranoid
I am listening to commercials

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My Latest Dream (11:00 a.m.)
04/25/2004 05:38 p.m.
I had a dream and just now I woke up.....

I was at a party with A and B and all their friends...sometime during the party B started to act so crazy...calling me a whore and a bitch over and over...we started fighting...B became physical...I tried not to get angry...I TRIED SO HARD....but in front of everyone this happened...by the end of it, B took out a gun, walked over to me and shot me in the head - BANG!!!!

Somehow, I recovered from this and was back at the party with a big welt and stitches where the bullet was...infuriated that B tried to kill me and that NO ONE even cared or paid any attention...I came back and said things like "you crazy f*cking bitch what's wrong with you, you tried to kill me!!!"

“B responded by saying the same, ‘you're a whore and a bitch,’ over and over, then rushed me again and pushed her thumbs on my eyes laughing like a maniac might laugh....so I grabbed B’s hands and threw them off...

The strange thing was that B’s mother was there (I've never met her) and she was in charge of the party. I tried to tell her what B had done to me....what B was STILL doing, but she was unkind to me, and making excuses for B....

In the end, I was back in the room with B and two friends...the entire dream I am screaming and pleading for people to acknowledge what is happening!! That this B is crazy and shot me!! But no one would!! And B pulled the gun out again and laughing starts shooting towards me....I said, "you're nothing without that gun...who are you anyway? Try fighting without it you freak!!" ....B just laughed and laughed while I hid around the corner...I could see B’s shadow and that of the gun...B’s friends where saying, "well don't point that thing over here" and laughing a bit...

In any case, this ended with B’s mother showing up and disappearing into the other room with B, apparently scolding B and taking the gun a way, meanwhile, I grabbed my things and insisted on leaving (which I had been trying to do the whole time, but as usual, couldn't get my things together to do so)

Finally, I ended up back home and asking A, "what's wrong with this whole scene?? How could this have happened?" - A said nothing and just shook his head...shrugged his shoulders...

I told C I was shot in the head by B...C seemed a bit concerned but then again....

SUDDENLY I WOKE UP...



I am currently Exhausted
I am listening to T.V.

Comments (0)

Revamping Em's Meaning (11:16 a.m.)
04/23/2004 03:36 p.m.

"Sometimes I sit, staring out the window, watching this world pass me by.

Sometimes I think, there's nothing to live for,

I almost break down and cry.

Sometimes I think I'm CRAZY, I'm CRAZY oh so CRAZY!

Why am I here am I just wasting my time??

Sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders,
Ever[thing's] leaning on me.
Sometimes it feels like the world's almost over,
But then I come back to [ME]...

I act like shit don't phase me,

Inside it drives me CRAZY!

My insecurities could eat me alive!!

But then [I] see...[MYSELF], suddenly I'm not crazy...

It all makes sense when I look into [MY] eyes..."

Now it don't feel like the world's on my shoulders,
Every[thing] leaning on me
'Cause my...BEING...knows that her...[will] is a soldier,
No one can take that from ME!!!

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mostly 'Hailie's Song' from Eminem's "The Eminem Show"

(just because I've been FEELIN' it for days...)

I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to Some strange hum...

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