A Distraction, A Realization, and a Thank You
05/13/2005 04:40 p.m.


This week was a wonderful week of realizations and experiences. I was given some homework assignments by a close friend of mine who would be traveling this week and could not do our daily exercises together as we usually do. I was feeling energized and excited and READY to accomplish all that I know I can and MORE, as a surprise to him and a proof to me that I am more than capable of doing so much in so short an amount of time if only I apply the practices of Action to Action and Moment to Moment, taking stock of my activities, my thoughts, and my reactions on an hourly basis, fully aware. Well, this is not really something new in terms of practices. The hardest part all along is always the remembering to remember to do the practices. When one is able to remember to remember, the most important exercise after that, in my point of view, is ‘taking stock’ every single hour of the waking day. If one’s intention is to LIVE and to be present and aware of one’s own state of being, then remembering to take stock is the one exercise that will allow all the others to fall into place.

Well, for a long time I have had the desire to work from A to A and M to M and to try and achieve a thoughtless moment, keeping my attention in tact and not allowing my thoughts to jump from one association to another. Shutting off internal dialoguing and attempting to achieve inner silence by putting into action certain exercises and practices that aim to increase awareness and reduce WASTE of TIME (which is DEATH) has clearly become a priority consciously, though I’m afraid, not deeply rooted enough within my subconscious. Even if one decides to take a nap or to rest, this must not be a passive act but one that is intentional and decided with full awareness and presence of mind.

In any case, the beauty of this week is that for the first time ever, I have been able to remember to remember to take stock on the hour IN CONTINUITY!! Oh, and this has worked wonders for me…miracles! Small miracles they might be, but nonetheless miracles. I seem to be able to accomplish so much in such little time, but still that is not the beautiful aspect and not the realization, for I have experienced this A to A before in small doses. Actually, the realization came from experiencing A to A and M to M on a CONTINUOUS basis. I found myself (both body and mind) more sensitive to those things that are KILLERS of time and able to better recognize what actions are worthy of killing it. While taking stock on an hourly basis, any time I engaged in some meaningless conversation, or passive internal dialoguing, or even listening to music I don’t necessarily like just because I am so used to listening to music mechanically, I felt a hint of disgust, almost painful…a deep sense of understanding that THIS is waste, THIS is DEATH. In the past and on most occasions wasting my time on meaningless blah blah’s was nothing more than a mechanical habit of which I thought nothing off unless I analyzed the situation/conversation later and realized how meaningless it all really was. But this time it wasn’t merely a realization based on a recollection, but rather, the very MOMENT which brought the realization! I sensed it, I felt it in my gut, my heart, in my mind and my body…so much so that I longed to get OUT of whatever meaningless situation I had gotten myself into, though more often than not by the time I had realized I was already too far into the situation to extract myself gently, and thus, just stood and had to bear the agonizing knowledge that here I was coming closer to my death and for nothing…I was engaging in a passive act of DYING. I don’t want to die, I want to LIVE.

Well, the story doesn’t end with a continuation of this process, but rather, with an abrupt END. This abrupt end was also powerful enough to send me a SHOCK whose ripple effect caused me to have yet another realization, allowing me to sense deeply the realization and to learn and grow from it. For this experience I have to give my most sincere thanks to one young lady on this website who shall remain unnamed but to whom I am utterly grateful. Yesterday I happened upon her library (works and journal) and, overcome by a feeling of sadness, attempted to touch base with her to understand where she was coming from, her perspective. I was not very successful in communicating my message that I was simply curious as to this young woman’s actions since there seems to be room and potential in her for great leaps in creation and growth since she does possess a wealth of depth though she seems reluctant to project that side of herself on a large scale. I wished that perhaps she might try and see a bigger picture. Well, the attempt failed miserably on my part, and I was to blame from the start to the finish since my efforts were unsolicited, though my intentions were good.

For the first time this week I fell into a blank state of being, and suddenly became so dull in mind. My failure to reach another human being in a meaningful way somehow took a toll on me last night, causing both my body and my mind to begin a long continuous slew of internal blah blahs, telling myself that I should not have butted my nose in, telling myself that I just blew my streak of presence and awareness and had spent wasted time without realizing from the get go that I was wasting time and life, telling myself that I am no one to be giving advice to anyone else, then getting angry with her unreceptive nature, then getting angry with myself for getting angry with her for such an idiotic reason and on and on and etc etc. I was so consumed with these inner dialogues that, by the way, were very mechanical in nature, that they became almost unstoppable, going on into the night throughout my dreams and all the wakeful moments in between. Needless to say, I exhausted myself emotionally to the extent that I was unable to do A to A or M to M. I couldn’t concentrate on writing any poetry that I had planned on writing, and I was too distracted and sapped of energy to write my close friend an account of the events of my day and extents of my realizations (which I have been doing on a regular basis since the day he left). By 10 p.m. I was so tired and simply went to bed having done nothing worthy or significant.

As I said, these feelings of failure and sadness did plague me all the night long, taking root within my subconscious despite that consciously I had pronounced defiantly to myself a supposed willful “oh well, you tried and you failed, time to move on, nothing wasted when tried with good intention”. But my subconscious, it seems, would not allow such suggestion to take root and at about 4 a.m. this morning, waking up suddenly from a related dream, I had yet another significant realization…a beautiful and powerful realization that propelled me to write this lengthy journal entry this morning and to thank most sincerely this young woman who I so intentionally provoked the day before, unsolicited. The realization was exactly this, that I had allowed my emotionalism to end my streak of successful practices. That a simple mood change registered deep in my subconscious had so much effect on my ability to remain alert and aware and energized; that I had allowed, through emotionalism, a small distraction to become a huge obstacle in my attempt to LIVE. Suddenly, I felt SO THANKFUL TO HER! So much so that I almost laughed out loud, for I had finally registered deep within my subconscious the fact that this experience needlessly turned to emotionalism, something which I had attempted to register consciously but was unsuccessful in doing due to that very emotionalism that manifested itself as a result. This realization SHE had been able to provide for me! Not only that, but suddenly all the time I had spent worrying and feeling unduly emotional were no longer a waste, but rather, a learning experience, which is one of the greatest of all experiences.

So, once again I am energized and ready to take stock every hour and work from A to A and M to M and to attempt the curtailing of inner blah blah etc etc….and all of this renewed sense of accomplishment and the next baby step up on that ladder of growth I owe to her. And so, once again, I give my most sincere thanks. :-)



I am currently Cheerful
I am listening to Intentionally, not music....yet (hahaha)

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Two Dreams
05/10/2005 03:21 p.m.

(It's actually 10:21 a.m.)
This morning I recall two dreams I had. The first seemed longer and more fantastical, the second very blatantly symbolic.

Dream #1: The first dream involves two couples, me being the female in one of the relationships (I specify my gender as sometimes my dreams find me 'feeling' male). Something present, an unknown and mysterious force that is powerful and perhaps even 'evil', appears without appearing. Both couples are forced into a competition of sorts, and neither couple knows what they are competing for, nor how to win.

It is evident that some writing is involved and that each team must write a book (though at different times in the dream the teams become individuals, and then meld back into couples strangely enough). Two people (who have now become individuals in the competition) write their books before their appointed meeting time with this mysterious power and have them ready. The other individual and I do not write our books, believing that they are to be written at the appointed meeting time with this mysterious presence. I am, however, allowed to read the books of the others before my appointed 'test' time, and as I read the words I see each letter turning to reveal a different letter beneath for just one moment, and then turning back into its original letter. I come to believe that this is a code of some kind that I need to know in order to be successful (there is a sinking feeling that we are not only competing for some prize if we win, but that our lives are in jeopardy if we lose). I come to believe that each letter I see is really a representative of another letter that is more meaningful, and reveals the true content, the true message within, not the book the other has written, but within the mind of that mysterious presence. It is the essence of the 'game'.

The rest of the dream seems somewhat meaningless and so I shall stop here.


Dream #2: This dream evolves from the first as the first ends with a nonsensical revelation of the 'games' winner and meaning while all of us sit on a school bus. After a while, the old story is gone, and now there is a bus driver and we are all students of some sort with luggage. I myself have so much luggage that I wonder how I will ever unload it by myself when the bus stops. When the bus finally does stop, I hurriedly try to load all the bags on my shoulders, finding myself weighed down so heavily. Before I have a chance to even pick up all the bags, the bus driver, a hugely overweight and very mean woman closes the doors and takes off! I scream for her to stop, that I can't possibly walk from the next stop to mine since it's so far and I have so many bags. She starts laughing and saying there is no way she is stopping, and she doesn't care about me or my luggage. I put all the bags down and proceed to the front of the bus where I begin to argue with her, and she is so nasty to me, vile words from a vile woman. I start getting ANGRY...so ANGRY! FURIOUS! I even want to hit her...i want to hit her so badly that I reach out and pinch her arm with utter hatered. But inside I am struggling, struggling with this anger. The moment I pinch her I feel this disgust and anger at myself.

In the end, she stops the bus miles and miles away from where I have to be and screams at me to get out. I drag all that heavy luggage out of the bus as she too walks out. She stands there next to me and yells at me to hurry up and pick up my stuff and laughs and makes fun of me, meanwhile I decide that I will not fight her or react angrily, and so I simply say, "yes...ok...I am hurrying ma'am" - finally she gets back in the bus and goes, leaving me there in an unfamiliar place with all these tons and tons of heavy black bags to return home with...I am lost and alone and unable to return home even if I know the way since the bags are too heavy to carry.

The one thing I didn't mention that is also symbolic, is that when I was not fighting her, but I was taking all her abuse, I was choking on a big thick piece of meat in my mouth...my mouth is full and I can hardly utter the words of "ok...yes" to her. In the end, I see a familiar face in the crowd and run to her crying and asking for help, the whole time that large piece of meat choking me and filling my mouth and throat, and I am unable to spit it out...here is when the dream(s) end and I wake up.



I am currently Detached
I am listening to Newly Loaded MP3's and Office Chatter

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Bells and Whistles
09/25/2004 10:02 p.m.

A beautiful symptom of love, but not love in and of itself.

Why is it that we are brought up to believe in emotional love alone as opposed
to the meaningful and precious concept of this beautiful human capability?
It would be so much easier if only we were taught what LOVE
really is...a basic understanding and mutual respect with which comes the
varying symptoms, dips and swells, fireworks and fire pits...


I am currently Reflective
I am listening to National Lampoon's European Vacation

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Wondering....
09/08/2004 04:02 a.m.


Is sensitivity a debilitating disorder of some sort?



Must be since I'm DEFINITELY holding on to my crutches for dear life hahaha



I am currently Stupid
I am listening to Meaningless Sentiments

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Missing You....
09/06/2004 07:01 p.m.
Time makes the heart grow fonder only for so long...after a while, time simply makes the heart grow further. The moment just before is when doubt begins to settle in. The moment just after is the true test of LOVE...that lulling of the tides when emotional eruptions dim from lack of contact and logical apathy takes the place of a once tirelessly swelling heart. It's only here that one can speak of TRUE LOVE...only when time's distance translates to intentional embraces of that other's soul does one BECOME LOVE, swelling once again to that euphoric height of NEVER ENDING passion. Funny how the truth tends to last when that subjective truth is your most divine dream...I AM LOVE and will be so in any given situation over this ever expanding desert of Time. I wonder, will you?

The Law of change laughs in my face, then willfully I laugh back and become FREE


I am currently Surreal
I am listening to My Personal Dream

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Moving Along...steady wins the race
08/11/2004 03:45 p.m.
It’s 8 a.m. and I have just woken up from a dream. A violent one that did, however, provide a HUGE spark of hope. At one point one woman was shot in the face several times in front of her little girl who proceeded to play with the bloody face not realizing anything was wrong until the flesh practically fell off into the little girl’s hand at which point she began to scream, “Mommy, Mommy!” The next scene is a woman begging for her life as she is being driven into a spike. Impaled and finished. These scenes end the dream but were preceded by my own involvement as a mere bystander woman watching my husband and his ‘partners’ work on a criminal scheme of sorts involving a speed boat in some foreign country.

In this dream I was suffering greatly on the inside. To such degrees I could hardly stand up or sit down…I felt I was unable to function, though in this state I was away from the rest of the men, by myself for a few moments and contemplating my evil doings there. The sense of fear and helplessness and hysteria were so great, but I never showed them to the others. I will come to the ‘realization’ a bit later. First I want to document my ideas as to the associations that manifested into this dream. I believe it will help me to control my dreams if I am able to understand the associations involved, therefore, illuminating the subconscious fears that provoke them.

This weekend I went swimming for the first time in a long time and so in my dream I was near the water and in a bathing suit the entire time with a towel wrapped around me. Last night as I sat at my house with Kara and Joe eating pizza, Joe turned to the history channel and we all got a lesson in the history of torture throughout the world. This included, but was not limited to, the oldest mechanisms of torture to the most modern day devices. The pictures included Auschwitz Holocaust victims (mostly small children) who were experimented on by the monstrous Dr. ?? Hmmm…I forget the evil bastard’s name. In any case, I am certain this accounts for the violence present in my dream this morning.

Once again I did suggest positively to myself before bed that I would not dream or twitch my legs, and if I did twitch my legs and, thus, remember my dreams, I would intentionally put my hands up in front of my face and SEE them…SEE I am dreaming. But I never did do my fomentation to relax my leg muscles as it was already so late in the evening. Tonight I shall make it a point.

I realize this exercise is meant to record my struggle in keeping my attention and continuity of thought in tact. I am trying to experience the connection between all the different centers. To Sense the relation between them as I watch the flow of my hand move the pen. But I must be aware and focused with attention at all times. I believe I have been more successful in doing so since I began these morning writing exercises.

But the question is ‘do I have any new observation to record’? Yes, I do! In my conversations with my good friend I became aware of the problem I had with negative suggestions. In this way I fight like a stubborn child against my own desired growth, and well, I don’t intend on wasting my life this way. Oddly enough, in my dream I believed my inner pain to be a result of ‘severe depression' and this is what made me feel as though there was a hole in me, one that could never be filled and that this I must suffer for the rest of my life until driven to madness Hahahaha! The interesting part is not this, but the fact that I remember actually taking stock IN MY DREAM!! I remember wanting to act out my pain by crying and becoming hysterical but as soon as I began to consider doing so I INTENTIONALLY told myself STOP! I STOPPED!! I said, “you are not sick, you only believe you are," and I went back to the horrid scenes without the pain which just moments ago had I had ALLOWED to torment me. Oh it was so simple!

I believe this episode to be a significant event. That in my dream I took stock intentionally means my lessons and exercises have been penetrating more deeply as of late…sinking in so to speak on a subconscious level as well. I am so very happy for this dream. I am so full of hope and faith. I believe in myself :-)

The End


I am currently Tired
I am listening to fax machine 'BEEPS'

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Pathetic Fest 2004 Pictures
08/03/2004 12:12 a.m.

I am currently Cheerful

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Morning Writing Exercise 7/28/04
07/28/2004 03:20 p.m.

This morning I’m finally up at a more decent hour. It’s 7:25 a.m. and though I’m sleepy I’m also determined and happy. To begin with…

Ok, here’s an exercise. I was just interrupted by anxiety and anger, and consequently downstairs are intentional heavy footsteps and slamming doors. Emotionalism comes to mind. I see my face sour, my mood shift to the negative. I was simply considering being hurt and sad and angry. Ha! But why? Why when the line is so thin? I was here just a moment ago on the ‘right’ side, content and proud. I shall not cross the line over to emotionalism though I almost did just now. But avoidance is always better than having to walk back. This does indeed take a conscious effort, no doubt about that. But the effort is not so difficult when one remembers how simple things really are. I never remembered so much before, but now suddenly I am…or is it not sudden but a natural progression of intentional behavior? Yes, that’s what it is.

Still teetering on the edge of emotionalism are those pesky emotional thoughts which, when put into action, will most likely result in regret, failure, and misery of an ugly sort, not very beautiful like the sadness that comes with sensitivity. This too is helpful to remember. For I find that my mind wants to wander to the negative, but more interesting is that I will not allow this to happen, and even MORE interesting is the fact that I am succeeding each moment to remember and apply my logic!

With that final door slammed I’m finally able to completely relax and concentrate and focus. This is not the best of signs as it indicates how very far I have to go in this growth process, but, then again, it’s not like I didn’t realize this fact from the very beginning hahaha! There must be a day when my external surroundings will never disturb my internal state of consciousness, attention, and control…my internal peace so to speak. I was just now tempted to say “I look forward to that day” but WOW! Here I caught myself again (how wonderful these tiny victories feel)! Ah those suicidal thoughts of running ahead of the time, they are tricky thoughts! I now don’t think of any destination or how “I can’t wait” to get there. Oh how wonderful it is just to be HERE and NOW! How else will one ever GO anywhere or DO anything? How else can one say she is ALIVE!?

Now back to the beginning where I intended to record my dream. Last night I forgot to intentionally suggest positive thoughts before sleep, though I do remember that I was indeed registering positive suggestions though in a more mechanical way, not so much with intention or presence of mind. This is encouraging for two reasons. First, even mechanically and without intention I was thinking positively. Second, I realized I was thinking mechanically (even though after the fact) and now will be more aware of my mental state the next time before I go to sleep. Tonight my memory will serve me the better for remembering now.

I find that simply two mornings of this writing exercise and my life (attitude, perspective, anxiety etc) has already changed for the better. I am able to purge my thoughts with intention, attention in tact, and with continuity of thought. This further intensifies and promotes my feeling of happiness and success. Each writing exercise (which I am always doing with pen and paper now as opposed to computer) is another tiny tiny battle won. To continue winning these particular tiny battles of waking up every morning and doing this exercise for 30 minutes means that progression and growth and resulting positive routine and happiness are inevitable!
Before I end this 30 minutes I will recall my morning dream in which, again, I was traveling to a far away land, this time it was China. I got through the first set of checks and was fine before I realized that I had forgotten my passport! Funny enough, I was there with a group of people as is usual with all my dreams, as though it were some sort of school field trip. I told my teacher I had forgotten my passport and would not be able to go lest I be stuck in China wih no way of returning home for a long time hahahaha. Basically, I would either miss the plane going there or the one coming back home because of my forgetting my passport. My teacher said, “all you need is my signature stating that you are not married and then a passport is unnecessary. I will put my signature on the line for you though it is not usually wise to lie to these officials about such matters. So he did sign the paper, but still the dream never had me boarding any plane, instead, it took an odd turn into seaming randomness as dreams often do.

Last thought…DON’T FALL BACK TO SLEEP!! Hahahahahahaha!

The End


I am currently Great
I am listening to My Intending Self

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Morning Exercise 7/27/04
07/27/2004 06:58 p.m.
Finally I am back! (But I think it’s different this time). Though I did not wake up as early as I would have liked I, for the first time in two weeks, am writing in the morning upon waking with intention and attention. This feels so very beautiful, productive, and soothing. I enjoy the feel of the pen in my hand, much more so than the feel of keyboard beneath my fingers. This is because I like watching the flow of my hand as I write. It is almost a beautiful movement, flowing as fast as the thought but never running ahead as I tend to do on the computer. In addition, I have missed the now ‘old world’ feel of the pen and paper, the reminder of simple technology verses the more complex we are now used to. My hand looks lovely grasping the pen, the curves of my handwriting in tune with the shape of my grasp and level of attention…or rather the quality of attention.

I learned a great lesson yesterday that offered me the rich bounty of a first real battle won. What is the bounty? A reclaiming of myself, my purpose, my will to meaning. No small reward this battle afforded me I must say, though there may be millions of battles yet to be won, I think the first of them is most important.

I noticed that Jonathan Livingston Seagull was the shortest story I ever read that spanned over such an immense period of ‘time’. That is to say that Jonathan’s exercises, determination, and obsession were gritty fights each one painful to the extreme and rewarding to the extreme, on more rewarding than the one before. I recognize that a part of the beauty of this story is exactly this, that its length is directly and intentionally non proportional to the time span/length of Jonathan’s existence. That is to say that this striking contrast in itself tells a story, a philosophy that redefines our perspective of ‘time’ and ‘space’…it helps the reader better understand the concept of time and space being limitations we CAN indeed transcend.

I say all this because in 100 pages Jonathan lived a thousand million lifetimes and only ONCE, just once, conceded defeat…I don’t think I realized the significance of this right away. The fact is that in all his lifetimes Jonathan only needed to concede defeat ONCE…this was all he needed to defeat the notions of despair and self pity. After winning this battle once and for all, he NEVER looked back at the same problem, though many tribulations and trials lay ahead, he never again met that same one, that initial one…the overcoming of the FEAR of FEAR….his courage and determination never faltered again after this initial battle…in effect, the most difficult one…to see the potential…to see the thin line as it lies so clearly…not merely to see the thin line but to understand the simplicity of crossing it back and forth. What am I talking about? MY first win must be the same as Jonathan’s…a permanent initial win if that makes any sense.

I must never again forget how easy it is to cross back over the thin line from emotionalism and negativity…it is just as simple to go back to positivity and determination as it was to cross the first time in emotionalism. Not only this, but if I do forget this lesson then the battle must be again won and rewon over and over again which is such a waste of time…of life, if one can get it on the first try (and they can). One battle for each fall and once up the next fall shall be different, more advanced, not repetitive.

Before I end this 30 minutes I would like to remind myself of my thoughts before sleeping last night. They were positive and sturdy and non wavering. Simply put, “I AM CAPABLE”.

I am currently Happy
I am listening to The defeat of the self that views life in limits

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A Morning Writing Exercise
07/12/2004 10:57 p.m.
I chose the phrase quoted below the night before and in the morning woke up and immediately began to write allowing the phrase to lead me:

“I just have to control the FEAR”

I know it often controls me. Am I present? Present with a stream of consciousness, is this possible? I have a fear of death. This fear increases ten-fold when I begin to look forward to an exciting future event that will most likely be ‘certain’ unless I crash my vehicle and die. I usually imagine sudden death as a car crash, I guess that’s a common enough association?

I dreamt I was at a party for some friend I hardly knew. There were many people there as I wandered from room to room. There were moments of social awkwardness though I tried to keep cool and not reveal my insecurities. I kept a cool head, smiling when appropriate and playing a role, but always in the backdrop was a feeling of ‘not belonging’.

I always had to act as though I was looking for something I was very sure of, like the bathroom, for example. That is to say, I was often merely wandering around aimlessly and friendless among these ‘friends’, but if I noticed someone noticing ME I would immediately act as though I am MEANT to be there. As if I have a specific purpose for being in that spot or this, though I was simply standing around all too aware of my own self to feel comfortable, and observing the crowd.

Towards the end of the dream I was trying to play with the crowd in a physical game with basketballs. My ball dropped and rolled away into a corner. I walked over to the ball and as I picked it up a girl confronted me. She took the ball away from me and said that she now wanted to use it. I began to argue that this was the last ball and I had just picked it up and started playing. She immediately sensed my weakness and smiled wickedly.

She simply said, “what does it matter if you have a ball or not, play or not with us? You don’t belong here and we both know it”. So I gave her the ball. After that I walked back with her to where the others were and said, “just because you don’t think I belong doesn’t mean….” And I seem to have said this loud enough for the others to hear because they chimed in,

“What’s this? Who doesn’t belong? Come on now! Why do you make her feel unwelcome here?” I should have been happy for the show of support, but instead I felt ten times worse and even ashamed. The girl’s look was hard and seemed to say “oh you have said this in front of the others so that I look bad, but still, we ALL know the truth…”

And I knew it too.

I don’t belong here and I’m afraid.

I am currently Good
I am listening to Dueling Dogs

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