what a day for a daydream
05/02/2004 07:24 p.m.

ok..here's the deal.  no inspiration BUT...i can feel it coming because i keep getting little flashes.  YEAH BABY!

i've also been really busy because everyone at work is taking their vacations so i don't have any time off.  i've been busy with court and National Crime Victims Rights week..(april 18th thru...yeah...)

speaking of vacations...i'm going on one.  october 2nd to HOLDEN BEACH, north carolina.

but i got to go.  more later.  dinner is calling me to cook it.

long time, no see.
04/12/2004 11:20 p.m.

alright..here's the deal.  for some reason i haven't been on pathetic.  it's because i have this plateau of writer's block.  i can't write anything.  i don't know what my deal is.  maybe i need to be on here and read writing.   help me please?!?!?!

court has come.  court has gone.  this is very hard for me to deal.  the week before the trial we meet with the attorney.  we laid out our story and everything.  the night before the trial i get a call at work.  it's MARY saying they cancelled the trial because CY (the kid with the gun to me head) is only getting 5 years because they're getting him to go against THOMAS.  let me tell you...that went over reeeeaaalll well with me.  the lawyer called and i told her what her and her trial could do.  we have to go back for a trial anyway for THOMAS and crap but i told her not to waste her time with me.  i wasn't coming.  i will sit in jail and rot till she gets how fucked up it is to plea bargain a punk ass negro gang banger behind the victims back.  i bet she has never had a gun to her head.

agh.

i'll write when there is more happy stuff to write about.

send me some love peeople.

*nanette

guess who's back...back again....
03/07/2004 11:17 p.m.

well...i know i haven't posted anything...poems, musings, journals, a n y t h i n g... it's because i haven't written anything.

i feel so compelled to write but i never do.  i feel like a new person is about to come out and that may not be a good thing.  i feel alot of hostility lately about certain things and i want to get them out but i don't want to have to defend what i say.  i can't ever write these things in MY notebook.  god save me.

i have been busy.  doing what?  doing pretty much nothing.  i have a puppy now.  she's 6 weeks old.  she's a black lab chow mix.  her name is BRIDGETTE.  she's adorable.  i'll have to post some pictures.

i haven't partied.  i lost a good friend...tom muffet...i miss you soo much.  i'm gearing up for a reverse raffle this weekend.  i did get smashed with STEVE on his 24th birthday at the bowling alley.  the trial for our "friends" is the 24th.  MARY and i have to be there.  i have been sleeping soo much lately...it's unreal.

i promise that i will write something...soon.  and whatever it is...i will post it.  this whole pathetic thing i call life...it's about to change.

i just need a hand of support from you....yes you.  you who is reading this.  who is reading, has read my work.

this is a cry for help....SOS...i need to write...help

me.

help

me.

a great line.
02/18/2004 09:37 p.m.
hutch:

know why you should masturbate with these 2 fingers?
(holds up thumb and index)

no, why?

because they're mine.

long time, no see.
02/15/2004 04:06 p.m.
where i have been?

busy. the same excuse that the rest of the world uses. i was off telling myself that i was busy doing "better things" but the reality of it is that i was busy...just not with those better things.

i was working. i worked seven days in a row. the things you have to do when you're in management. but, i had friday and yesterday and i have today off. odd because i'm supposed to work on sundays for MARY. yay! i didn't have too.

STEVE and i got into this huge fight on superbowl sunday. he lied to me. have you ever been put in a situation that you didn't want to be in? there was nothing you could do about it? i was. i was lied to and found it out during the middle of the first quarter of the superbowl by STEVE's friends who he went out with the night before. how they stayed the night in a hotel in another city 2 hours away. and they kept talking about it. i wanted to spit nails. i wanted to get up and punch holes in the walls but it was not my house. i was ignored the whole not. i sat back in a corner with my box of Puffs with lotion. i was just there. STEVE finally came to sit back with me and i ignored him. we left and he took me to my house...hell broke loose.

how do you expect someone to trust you, when they'd have a hard time trusting you anyway, even more now? hello? i don't know. i don't care.

i visited CHRISSIE one wednesday (the one after the superbowl) while STEVE was bowling. we were just hanging out and drinking. i went to leave at 9:47 pm...UGH! the fasted way yo get sober...get youir car stuck in a drive way of ice. i did. i called CHRISSIE from my cell phone and her and JASON (her boyfriend) came out. he tied me to the back of his bronco...i drive a thunderbird mind you...i pulled him back into the driveway. it took us over an hour to get me out. i was covered in mud. ugh!

anyway...i'm out. i got things to do today.
I am currently Content
I am listening to ggffgfgfgf

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superbowl halftime show...
02/04/2004 09:13 p.m.
this year, i guess you can say i was fortunate. i was able to watch the superbowl on a wide screen TV. yay! i seen every moment of the game. yes, including JANET JACKSON'S breast.

here are my feelings.

i feel that the "wardrobe malfuntcion" was intentional. some say to get the heat off of her brother and maybe so. i think it's a way for JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE to maybe kind of strike back at BRITNEY SPEARS. but all and all...i believe it was purposely done, premeditated...whatever. i just think that they are denying and apologizing for the incident because society did not take it like they (the alledgely involved parties) thought society would so now it's a big denial. duh.

those are just my thoughts.
I am currently Creative
I am listening to fsgdgdfgdfgd

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who has a breakdown watching boogie nights?
01/26/2004 12:11 a.m.
this subject of this entry is exactly what the title says...

i had a breakdown watching "boogie nights" last night. i was watching it over at steve's house.

i know that this sounds stupid and i feel ashamed and embarassed that it happened but there was nothing i could do. the emotion was there and i could not keep it inside anymore.

here's the truth and reasonings...(i feel like this is early to share but it needs to get out and go.)

on december 2, 2003, i just wanted to go to work. i work for a local gas station. it's a corporate chain but only in the NE ohio area. billion dollar company. to spare you all the details which do make for a better story but i'm just not ready to tell, i was robbed at gun point by two black guys. well, the store was robbed. i was just the middle man who knew everything they didn't know. they needed me. anyway....

watching "boogie nights" the scene where BUCK goes into the donut shop. the kid walks in and pulls the heat from his pants..."empty out the cash register mother fucker!!" as soon as i heard that i crawled to the upper hand of the bed and buried my face in pillows and blankets and started to bawl. i remember everything that was said to me. i remember how i felt and i put myself in that movie and i imagined how he must have felt. how i felt scared for him and sorry because he had to go through this and i've been through it and no one should have to go through it...but it was only a movie. he didn't really feel anything. but i did.

STEVE was freaking out. he didn't understand. he doesn't understand. no one really understands i think. steve does not acknowledge that i could have died that day. december 2nd could have been my last day on this earth. he says they had no intention but to get the money. well, i say, you don't bring a weapon like that unless you feel like you might have to use it. i mean, i really thought they were going to shot me when MARY got there because i knew she was coming. that's what kept me holding on. it kept me from just losing it. i wasn't going to be alone with these monsters at some point. i thought they would have thought i snitched on them. the whole time i'm thinking...
"jesus god, i don't know how it feels to be shot and i don't want to know..."
i knew MARY was coming...i kept trying to staul for time...not like the company wouldn't believe me because we have cameras. i didn't care if she looked through the windows and seen them and ran. because i thought she ran. all i heard was scuffling and screaming and they screamed at me to unlock the door because i closed my eyes at one point and MARY locked them in there with us. the guy with the guy came over to me and was like "unlock the FUCKING door bitch!" maybe he was making sure i wasn't about to maul him. maybe he was making sure i wasn't running. maybe he really wanted me to unlock the door. "how can i unlock the fucking door when you told me not move!?!?!?"

god. i have all these "what if's...". i watched a movie. a movie about pornography and look what happened to me.

i can't even see the screen anymore because of these tears.

i just need to talk to someone. i need understand. i need closure.

i need help.


I am currently Empty
I am listening to merambleonandonandon

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peace out ninjas.
01/23/2004 08:30 p.m.
phi delta gamma jammie jam girl's night out for chrissie's duece birthday tonight! last night sucked. i went to see steve at the bowling alley while he was bowling. UGH! all i did was get my ass reamed. i didn't even get a "hi, howyadoin?" i got..."you can't be down here with shoes..." he talked to me like such a jerk. i just turned and left. a half hour out of my way for that. fuck that.

work today sucked. RICK opened with me. you know, he needs to go somewhere else. ever since we got robbed, he's been there but today, he just , what's the word, like treated me like i've never run the store before. like MARY has never had a weekend off like she's never gone on vacation for a week. it goes like this....

rick: this is wrong. that number is not right.
me (after re-adding paperwork and deposit totals): and why is that?
rick: because it's wrong.
me: well i added up what the deposit it supposed to be and i got 2 bucks more than you counted...
rick: well, there's a difference somewhere.
me: where?
rick somewhere. (stern)

you know what...that's why rick doesn't have his own store. because he sucks. you may be a manager but it's like a slap in the face to be a "floating" manager. i would never do it. i'm going to get my own store. i'm not old enough to have my own store but it's already in the works...damn it dude. pisses me off. all the supervisors know...even the vice president John knows i do the best work. phi delta gamma jammie jam girl's night out for chrissie's duece birthday tonight! today my stalked came in twice. ugh. i had to dress up and where a tank top...spaghetti straped one with a button up over it. i will NEVER wear anything like that again. he kept talking about my boobs. how he likes nipples and wants to see mine. ugh. maybe it's my fault because i really shouldn't wear something like that because of my chest. BRIAN JAMES came in today on his break. (he works for the city with my stalker...) he wants me to be a ring girl...LOL...you know, they hold up the round number sign in a boxing match...LOL. how great is that. BRIAN was mad because he wants to kick it with us tonight. LOL. i told him we'd go to his brother TOM's house and BRIAN said that he'll be there with JUDGE.(JUDGE is this guy we're all obsessed with. he's councilman for ward 2 in Barberton. he's hot. we all follow him around...especially when he runs topless in the summer time!) yay! we ain't going...but it's the thought that counts because JUDGE is a hottie. yum yum. phi delta gamma jammie jam girl's night out for chrissie's duece birthday tonight! i don't know what i'm drinking tonight. hennessy and hypnotiq...(the hulk shot)...moso (champagne and OJ)....jose quevo...coolers...whatever dude. BRIAN what's us to go to the DUTCH (a little local bar...it's small and alot of like 30-40 year olds. i always end up shit faced there and we always are way loud and dancing and stuff and they hate that.) maybe we'll all go out to eat. who knows. got to go clean my car out since i get to tote everyone around. peace!
I am currently Feisty
I am listening to hghghgfhgfh

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emergeny medical technician
01/22/2004 10:01 p.m.
i'm on like way early today because i have to be up at 5 in the morning tomorrow. big bad ass nan is the boss tomorrow. yay!

anyway...

i was driving home from border's today from getting chrissie's birthday gift. i took the express way....like normal. when i was getting off of 76 and onto 224 to get off at my exit i seen the most terrible accident. this truck already on 224 must have been trying to exit at the exit i get off at. it's the first exit after 76 pours out. well....he switched lanes too early and hit this curb and it threw his little ford ranger pick up across the exit ramp to the other side. the truck landed on it roof and it totally smashed to nothing. there was a cop standing there on the side like "oh my, an accident...what do i do?" stupid me. i should have stopped being an EMT and all but i don't certification from the state yet but i would still have been protected under the Good Sumaritian's Law in Ohio.
i turned back around and went to go back after i already got off the express way but i would have had to drive clear back to 76 and all that bull shit. when i drove by the accident it appeared that no one was in the truck..let's hope so.
I am currently Calm
I am listening to only lonely - hootie and the blowfish

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paul watson...(i could use a hug folks.)
01/22/2004 07:13 a.m.
with my job, i work with people, i mean, i really work with people every second of my work day for 9 hours. some people come in once a day, some people i'll never see again, some people pracitcally live there. point? you get to know these people. they become you. they become a concern. when you don't see some of these people for 3 or 4 days...you worry. or sometimes you never notice they were gone until they come back. you learn what they want, you learn where htey work, find out about kids, all that good stuff. some of these people care for you. you care for these people too. just last night some guy was like "i thought you worked during the day." i told him we swing around shifts...well atleast i do. he said "well, i cook so i'll bring some stuff done to ya. just let me know when you're working. got to make sure you're eating." ahh, how nice. i've got a little old black guy who calls me his girlfriend. i've got people asking me for my number. i mean, the whole city street and water department know that one of them is like obsessed with me and he's flipping married with 2 kids. hello? i'm just being me. being nanette, nan, vietnan, cupcake, scuba douche...whatever you call me. i don't think i'm pretty but this is not my point.

today i found out some terrible news.today chrissie called me on my cell phone from work. "remember paul watson?" my natural reaction is no because i see a trillion people. "you know...the guy who gets lottery and his wife and stuff."i remember now. let me tell you about the watson's. they are an older couple. paul comes in and plays his lottery. he has throat cancer. his wife made him homemade milkshakes. she stuck by his side though everything, so faithfully, so strong. paul fell down in the dining room a couple months ago. he had a stroke about a month ago. she came in and i asked where he was. she said in the car and that he'd be tickled if i he seen me soo i payed him a visit outside in the middle of winter. before christmas paul got pnemonia in both lungs and was put in the hospital. he wasn't going to be able to come home for christmas. she left to get his lottery and take a bath. that's paul for you. i guess she (his wife) came in today...

paul passed away january 5th.

chrissie said she hugged his wife and they both started crying. he really was a sweet man. i'm just upset because i told her that i would send him a card. chrissie and i both said that. got his name and room number. we never did. i would have liked to go to his funeral. i feel almost obligated to have gone. i wish i could give his wife a huge hug. i would have liked to been there for her. it sucks because i'm beating myself up over something that i can't do anything about. it hurts. and i just need to get it out. .

we'll miss you paul!
I am currently Sad
I am listening to a night with el diablo - chevelle

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