my best has gotta be good enough for someone else besides me.
06/12/2008 03:51 a.m.
Whenever I hear someone say "good things happen to good people", I seriously just want to punch them in the face. That is the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard. I have never seen it happen. The same thing goes with the whole karma thing too..."what goes around comes around." Yeah, um, NO.

I consider myself a good person, with a good heart. Infact, after today, I am a GREAT person with a GREAT heart. (I got myself out of a bad situation and saved my ex's ass as well.) I have done good things for people only to get shit on in return. By getting shit on, I don't mean, the favor has gone unnoticed or unreturned, I mean shit on. Like the person who I helped or what not totally screws me over. How my heart is still so good is beyond me. I have had enough stuff happen to me that if someone would say "What Would Jesus Do", well, Jesus would have gotten up and said "Fuck this".

Don't get me wrong, I get upset and angry and hold grudges and have vendettas but for whatever reason, my heart won't let me fuck someone over like they will to me.

The point of this isn't how I did a good deed today, so give me a cookie.

It's that I don't always have all the answers all the time and yes, it bothers me and yes, I look to other people for guidance. And to be completely honest, I don't listen to what people tell me to do sometimes because I want to try and make own decision, and quite often, those decisions are mistakes. But you know what, I'm okay with that. I'm a fall flat on my face kinda person.

I'm just frustrated because I am trying my best and trying to do what I feel is best for me and my situation. I wish people would see that. Give me a little credit where credit is deserved. Just because I don't listen to your advice or mess up, don't make me feel bad. Remember, it's advice I asked for. Advice can be taken or left. And I'm grown now. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself.

All I ask is that you stand by my side and support my decision or mistake or what not. You don't have to pick me up when I fall, just dust me off.

Sometimes looking out for number one means looking out for someone else.
I am currently Frustrated
I am listening to Oh Atlanta - Alison Krauss

Comments (1)

everybody's working for the weekend.
06/09/2008 05:15 a.m.
If I keep writing about my every other weekends, people are going to think I'm an alcoholic...which is a lie. A dirty, dirty lie. It's just nice to gab about things that are exciting, at least exciting to me.

Friday night, Mike, Holli, and I went out the Belt. As soon as we walked in, I ran into people I knew who in turn, stalked us the entire night. I spent a lot of the night wandering around the club which is odd. I'm usually glued to Mike or Holli's side. Well, I take that back. I was glued to Holli Friday night. We spent a lot of time on the patio with Chad since the grill was open. Then we were up in the dj booth messing around and this guy managed to stumble all the way up the stairs to complain that no one was dancing, which no one was because it was hotter than Hell outside. He looked at me, and I was in between drinks and says "Oh, you're not drinking because you're pregnant!!". WTF? Who says stuff like that. He felt really bad and I walked him down the stairs, through the club and out to the patio where he bought me a drink to make up for his harsh words. LOL. I met a lot of people that night. I don't remember half of them till I see something that is relevant to them. At some point on the patio, Holli and I busted out "I Will Survive". Then we went back nside where I attempted to do a line dance, the Cupid Shuffle but was really just falling all over everyone. And then we left because Holli was wasted. Mike drove him with Holli hanging out the window. On 77 she threw her hands up in the air and pointed to the side of the road but it was too late. She had started to puke out the window but ended up EVERYWHERE, including on me because I can't move my ass over to the other side of the car fast enough. Yum.

Saturday night we went to the drive-in and seen Kung Fu Panda and the new Indiana Jones flick. I passed out during Indy so yeah. I never make it through the second movie.

Sunday, we went to look at an apartment but the complex was closed then drove to Medina to Rinky Dink's where we played in the arcade and then some mini golf. It was fun, but so hot. It was 95 today. EW.

Next weekend is the Wings Over Akron Airshow and my nephew Wyatt's birthday. Alcohol free. ;)
I am currently Calm
I am listening to Dru Hill

Comments (0)

safe havens.
06/06/2008 05:32 p.m.
I think I've put my finger on what my writing phobia is lately. Besides the overwhelming feeling of trying to get it out and the prefection, it's the place I write. It used to be a safe harbor. See, as "writer's" we all have our own little way of writing. Some of us have rituals if you will. Some write on napkins or notebooks or on their computer or anything hands can be gotten on too. I write in a book. I spend hefty money at Border's for beautiful handbound notebooks to put my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings in. For me to try and make sense of the chaos that surrounds me. My writing is very personal to me. I don't let people I know in "real life" read my writing. I don't want the questions and I don't want to have to defend my feelings and thoughts, most importantly, myself. I do leave my books around the house. Everyone knows what they are for and what's in them. They also know that I will fight tooth and nail if they were ever picked up and opened by anyone other than me. Most people pick up my book as a joke only to see the devil come out of me and realize that it's not funny to me.

And not to stray off the subject but for the longest time I was "allowed" to write. My ex didn't understand writing and why I needed to do it. I should be able to tell him everything. He never got it...and he never will.

Now, back on track...

Upon this break-up, I feel the cause of it was wandering eyes who read something they shouldn't have in the wee hours of the early morning. It doesn't matter what was written in the book or who it was directed at. We as writer's write outside of our lives sometimes, or often. Just because we write something doesn't mean that it has to pertain to us. I don't need to explain myself to you people here, you all understand. What matters is my safe haven was violated and now I'm afraid to put anything down in the book or any book for that matter for fear of suspicious eyes. There will always be that fear of who's going to get a hold of it and hold it for ransom.

I've got to get my niche back. Help.
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to fix you - coldplay

Comments (1)

intimidation
06/05/2008 02:47 a.m.
With everything that is going on in my personal life, I just can't seem to pull anything out of it. I don't know if I'm afraid if I tug on my heart strings that it will all just spill out and make an even bigger mess to clean up. I don't know if it's me becoming a sort of perfectionist when it comes to writing because I want what I need to say to be perfect, that I get all the details out and down to the cross of the T. I'm afraid I'll miss out on saying something I really need to say, something I need to get out and I'll have to start all over. I feel like everything I write is so sad and depressing and no one will want to read it. I feel like it's crap. I need to get soo much out and off my chest and shoulders because I'm buckling, literally, under all the weight of the world.

I'm just so scared.
I am listening to Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Comments (1)

don't make life changing decisions while under the influence.
05/30/2008 04:43 a.m.
This entry is very high school diary-esque. Sorry.

Memorial Day weekend was a good weekend for me. With all the shit that has happened since the beginning of the month (the breakup of my boyfriend of 3 years and I, the end of a 10 year friendship, and moving in with friends, let's just say when I clean house, I CLEAN house...more to come on all the previously stated...), I think it was not only much needed but much deserved.

Mike and Holli (my roommates) took me out Friday and Saturday night to the club they work at called the Belt. It's a gay club that I've been too quite often. I like gay clubs. I'm not bothered there and can just dance. It didn't take much to get me drunk. I had been off the wagon for so long. I also wasted no time sucking them down either. I had a breakdown Friday night/Saturday morning when we went for breakfast at the Country Diner. Everything just got to me and I just bawled over my sampler platter. I also took a 20 minute piss, no joke. I literally sat there the entire time, leaning on the rail peeing. Saturday night I drank WAY more and preceded to dance with Holli and grab random people to make a "Nan and Holli sandwich" until they kicked everyone out. Once we got home, I was taking out my contacts and just face planted out of the bathroom onto the hallway floor. I'm talking out of no where.

Sunday I did nothing but sleep. Can you blame me?

Monday we went to the Cleveland Zoo. It was a good time.

I also managed to cut my hair off and dye it damn near black. It's a dark, dark brown. I got very lucky because my skin tone is soo pale.

So yeah.

I am currently Bored
I am listening to You Had Me At Hello - A Day To Remember

Comments (1)

w.w.g.d.
04/24/2008 07:19 p.m.
Saturday was the Turfscape Christmas party. Yes, Christmas party in April. The hotel was beautiful, the food was great and anyone who doesn't love all the free booze you can drink obviously has something wrong with them. It's pretty bad when we drank them out of everything except for wine and Corona. I got hit on by a few mexicans and due to my lack of food intake earlier in the day and my fast consumption of alcohol during appetizers, I couldn't shut up during the presentations before dinner. They gave us $500 in casino vouchers to play black jack, texas hold'em, and roulette. They had charactcher arists come in and draw us. I asked him if he found it easier to draw ugly people or pretty people and he told me he prefers people with distinguishing characteristics. I asked him what he thought of me, he said "Well, you're bootylicious."


I am currently Nostalgic

Comments (0)

more than my head up my ass.
04/18/2008 06:58 p.m.
wow. i really know how to mess up great things.

and i hate how things become different when you get what you want.

what the fuck am i doing?







any help would be appreicated. contact me in a message.
I am currently Bleh

Comments (0)

cleveland hockey makes me sick.
04/01/2008 02:13 a.m.
Easter was an alright day. Cody and i went to his sister's for a minute to see his nieces and nephews and then to my parents then out to my aunt's house where we stayed for a ridiculously long time. i ate my weight in sugar cookies and played some Guitar Hero and hung out with my nephews because i hadn't seen them since new years. i'm a terrible aunt.

on tuesday, Kevin got tickets to a Lake Erie Monsters game and his knowing my love for hockey, we went to Cleveland for the night. Which reminded me just how much Cleveland hockey sucks but you just can't get enough of it. we left the game early to stop by his work. we hung out with Kat and i ran around and owned the place. Kat and i shoved Kevin in the woman's restroom where we took pictures of him in the smallest stall known to man. when we were leaving his work, i got the strangest phone which went on too long. i can't reveal the conversation because, yes, it is that odd. we beat feet back to Barberton because Mike and Holli were at Kevin's place and we hung out there and played with balloons until 2am. it's apparently hysterical to pop a balloon around me because i scream, no matter what.

i got a sore throat on thursday which turned into a bad head cold. still got it.

friday was party night at usual at Kevin's. Kyle, Kat, Mike, Holli, Kevin, Cody and i were all over the place. Cody wanted him and Mike to get drunk enough to fight leprechauns in a ditch. we played Skipbo and played with balloons again and Holli and i did a collab on spaghetti at 3 am. good times.

Cody and I went to Mike and Holli's sunday night and played some Mario Party and Smash Bros. it was quite fun.
I am currently Jumbled

Comments (0)

if you steal my identity, please take my kidney.
03/23/2008 12:45 a.m.
i recently discovered that someone has gotten a hold of my debit card number and has used it. i know, yes KNOW, who the person is thanks to where the purchases were made. this makes me livid. screw with anything else you want, but not my money. there's nothing more i'd love to do in the world right now then to go shove my foot up this person's ass or hit them in the head with a cast iron skillet. now that's revenge. and of course, the bank is cool with it, work with me but they won't press charges against the person. they go after the merchant. uh, hello? it's not their fault, don't take it out on them. and the police, well, the police suck. they said they doubt i have a case. and i thought identity theft was crime. ha.


i spent tuesday night/wednesday morning in the hospital. Kevin was so gracious to take me since my boyfriend is an asshole. i had been fighting a kidney...thing for a month. it would come and go and i'd drink my weight in cran-whatever juice and be fine. well, pissing blood and the unbearable pain and nausea exerting from back was the last straw. the hospital said i had a UTI, kidney infection and my personal favorite, kidney stones. i almost punched a nurse in the face but that's typical of me in the hospital. don't ridicule me over my phobia of of swallowing pills. i didn't say shit to her about her lesbo commando hair cut. they gave me Cipro and Percocet. Kevin and i had fun with rubber gloves and tourniquets and he snuck me Skittles and Goldfish when i was conscious and the nurses weren't bothering me. i was so messed up of that Percocet but still took some lovely blac-mail photos and called the local singles line with Kevin at the helm. we later gorged ourselves at McDonalds while some creepy man kept knocking on his car at the drive-thru.


one can only watch so much "america's next top model"...
I am currently Bothered

Comments (0)

the justice system and the Jessie Davis murder trial
03/13/2008 12:24 a.m.
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions in this blog are those solely of the writer, being me. I'm open to hear yours. Please share them.



If you know me on a personal level, you know that I doubt the justice system in this country very much so. This has nothing to do with the OJ Simpson murder case at all. My reasoning is personal. Having been a victim of a crime, I've gotten involved with Victim's Assistance. I've spoken at the candle light vigil that kicks off the National Crime Victim's Rights Week country wide numerous times and plan on speaking this year. I was let down by the courts, as well as many other victims and families of victims have been also. I have heard their stories. I have consoled them just as they have consoled me.



Today, the jury suggested that Bobby Cutts Jr. get life in prison, not the death penalty. The judge's final sentence for Cutts was life in prison, not eligible for parole for 57 years. Now, I know most people in NE Ohio, as I'm sure people other places, are outraged by this. They were gung-ho for the death penalty. I figured the jury would go for the life sentence. Me, personally, I don't know where I stand.



Let's weigh the options...shall we. (Please note, these are MY OPINIONS...)



Part of me thinks life in prison is what he deserves. That he needs to sit there everyday and think of what he did and how he hurt the Davis/Porter family. He needs to think about the mother he took away from his son and the sister he took away from him as well. During his testimonies on the stand, he often had tears in his eyes. He kept saying that "it felt like a dream"...that "i just wanted it to go away". I felt most of his tears were for show. I do however think that by his words, he's mental unstable. So him sitting in a prison cell will eat him alive. And if not, I'm sure the inmates will.



On the other hand...this man was a police officer. Someone that people like you and I rely on to keep us safe from harm. He knew right from wrong. You shouldn't fight with a pregnant woman, especially physically. If he did hit her in the throat, he knew to call for help. His attorney's said that he once saved someone's life. They said that today. Why couldn't Cutts save the lives of Jessie Davis and Baby Chloe? He also left his 2 year old son unattended for I believe, 2 days. Who knows what could have happened to him. Cutts had repeatedly lied to Jessie Davis' family when they asked if he knew where she was. He had the audacity to show up at searches and to speak with the media, knowing all the while he had murdered her. While her family read their impact statements, for him to sit there and not cry and show no emotion is a slap in the face. It made me sick to watch him. I cried with them. I felt their hurt. I wanted to know the answers to their questions. That's the kind of stuff that makes me feel like death should have been his sentence. And obviously, just from my own observation, the acts questionable to the death penaly, out-weigh the life sentence.



In reality, it is financially irresponsible for us as American's to sentence people to life in prison if we can sentence them to death. It's even more irresponsible for us to just give criminals a term sentence as well. It costs us thousands to millions of dollars for criminals who've killed someone or robbed someone to get 3 square meals a day. It costs us money to put these wrong do-ers thru schooling. Go to your local court's website and look at the criminal documents. Read someone's motion for early release. Read everyone's. Most of them say something along the lines of..."I have learned my lesson and I'm so very sorry for my actions.". Now ask yourself this, how many criminals are repeat offenders? You do the math.



Enough about the criminals...I must give mad props to Jessie Davis' mother, Patty Porter. She is an incredible woman for everything she said today in her impact statement. She said that she has forgiven Cutts and that she owes it to God and she hopes that he'll find God. She also asked the judge to give Cutts the LEAST possible sentence so that he could have a second chance at life. I think it's amazing that someone could find it in their heart, and not allow such hatred into their life, to forgive someone who has hurt them soo deeply. Someone who has taken someone so special away from them...forever. I truly look up to her and respect her decision. She's a bigger person for her choices and I think we all could really take a lesson from her.



I know that I could because I still haven't forgiven the 16 year old kid, who's been in prison for the past 4 years, for just sticking a gun to my head.

I am currently Bleh

Comments (1)

Next 10 Entries - Previous 10 Entries