these words are my diary, use them however you want too
12/17/2008 07:27 p.m.
i've decided that i'm going to use lulu and publish a book. it's mostly for my own personal accord.

my good stuff will probably be scarce on here now, as i don't want to post the entire book on here.

if you're interested, let me know. words of encourgament are appreicated. greatly.
I am listening to hot 'n cold - katy perry

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i'm not catching on fire today.
12/06/2008 10:09 p.m.
i feel like i need someone to tell me i'm worth more than this.
I am listening to sheep go to heaven - cake

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it's the most wonderful time of the year, i think
11/30/2008 10:11 p.m.
tomorrow is december. it's my least favorite month of the year. every december has just been really crappy for me. i guess that's why i got it tattooed on my back in Native American.

tomorrow i have a doctor's appointment. i'm a statistic. i have no health insurance. im going to planned parenthood for a female exam and what not for my PCOS. i've never been there before and i'm soo scared. im afraid that i'm going to end up like the girl in Dirty Dancing after she gets her abortion.

tomorrow, however, is my rockin' nephews 3rd birthday.

December 2nd, is always a bad day. in 2003, i got the shit beat out of me and robbed at gun point while trying to open my store.

the 3rd, is my BFF's birthday. yay for that.

and on the 6th....the kid who beat me up on the 2nd five years ago, is getting out of prison. i can't say i'm all too thrilled.

not to mention Christmas, which is my favorite holiday, is this month. this is the first Christmas in 8 years that i've been single. ugh.
I am currently Bleh
I am listening to pain - jimmy eat world

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8 days in....
11/10/2008 03:27 a.m.
well, i'm 8 days in to the NaNoWrMo PAD challenge and i wrote my first explicit one of the challenge. i thought i could make it without writing one.

and today is the ninth, and i still haven't popped one out yet. i've got a hour and half before it's the tenth.

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i hope this makes Chris Romano's day
10/17/2008 02:17 a.m.


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i don't go to sleep to dream.
09/05/2008 04:00 p.m.
A few weeks ago I started having nightmares. They were different but they were the same. The first one I remember, I was shot in the back and taken to a "backwoods" hospital by my father only to be chased by doctors and this creepy man who wanted to kill me.

The other one, I was being chased too...by Richard Gere. I know, right?

Anyway, I looked up what these dreams could possibly mean on the fabulous internet. I found these on freakydreams.com...

Shot - To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that you to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person.

Chase - Dream Meanings - CHASE
To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. In particular, to dream that you are chased by an animal, represents your own unexpressed and unacknowledged anger which is being projected onto that animal. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.


So with all that, I made changes in my waking life which seemed to keep these nightmares at bay.

Two nights ago, I woke up my roommates by gasping for air. I couldn't even remember what I was dreaming about. I did like a scared sigh/gasp and started breathing heavy.

And last night, I had another "chase" dream. Only this time it was from something that was inevitable to run from. It would have caught me eventually. And then I somehow ended up in my ex's car with him and there was a physical fight between us and I was so angry but had no reason to be because what happened was my fault.

I woke up crying.

I don't know what's going on now. Yesterday I did have this heavy feeling all day. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and I don't know why or where it came from.


I just need to sleep, peacefully, for one night.
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to anyone else but you - the moldy peaches

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haven't your heard, I'm the new cancer.
08/19/2008 06:53 p.m.
In a little over a month, I will be 25. A third, if not less, of my life will be over. Not complete, just over.

The things I've seen and the places, not the longitude and latitude places, but the places I've been have made me who I am today. I've dealt with suicide and alcoholism. I've swallowed the fact that unless a miracle happens, I will never have children.

But today isn't as bad as yesterday. And yesterday isn't as bad as last night.

Because I'm playing the waiting game to see if I've got the 6 letter C-word...cancer.

My kidney's are finally giving up on me, like my ovaries, like my family, like everyone and everything around me.




I'm so scared on the inside, that I can't even show it on the outside....




"You couldn't get lucky enough to have cancer, Nan..." - My mom.
I am currently Dismayed

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offline.
07/01/2008 06:47 p.m.
I'm going to be offline for a bit. I've got too take my laptop back into the Geek Squad for the THIRD time due to the power cord.

I'm also taking time to recover from body modification. Hehe. The weekend after the Fourth I will be back in NY for the weekend.

Hugs and kisses, best wishes, please...miss me.
I am currently Bothered
I am listening to Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park

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where the Buffalo roam...
06/26/2008 04:35 a.m.
The Buffalo trip went well. We ending up staying an extra night due to bad weather. It also brought me a lot of inspiration. In fact, it's over flowing. But before I turn into the muse, I must share the weekend and be diary-esque.


Mike and Holli, my roommates, and their daughter Hayli and I left Canton around 6:30 Friday night and made it to Mike's parents house around 11. That was including a stop in Angola, NY so I could pee. Mike and I ended staying up till 3 AM playing Rock Band with his brother Anthony. Holli passed out on the couch. Anthony played guitar, I played bass and Mike rocked the drums.


Saturday morning, Holli woke me up by jumping in bed with me at like 11 AM or so. I was the only one still sleeping. Haha. We had made plans to go to this amusement park called Darien Lake but decided to go later in the day. Mike and his dad put a new stereo in the car and I ended up cooking lunch for us all. Mike's mom Tina let me rock out in her kitchen with her Rachael Ray pots and pans. I seriously had free range of everything. I made monte cristo's, which I never made before and everyone LOVED them.

We got to Darien Lake a little after 5, rode some coasters had a good time, till this really bad storm just came out of no where. The lightning was insane. We no sooner made it back to the car before it started pouring. We could barely see anything in front of us and a lot of cars had pulled off the road to wait it out. Lightning struck this transformer right in front of us and it just blew sparks everywhere. It was crazy. When we got home, no one wanted to get out of the car to go unlock the door.

Once we got in, Mike decided that we were going to play beer pong, which I have never played. He and Anthony go and get the stuff we need come back and we get to playing. Mike and I are on a team and Holli and Tina, yes Mike's mom, are on a team. Meanwhile, Anthony,who is underage, is sneaking drinks. He drank 2 Mike's Hard Lemonade's and was PLASTERED. It was seriously the funniest thing I'd ever seen. He was all over the place. Mike and I lost twice and won once. Then he and I played and I got owned. Boo. Everyone agreed that I wasn't that bad for my first time. Once again, bed time was like at 3 AM.


Sunday morning, I woke up to Mike's aunt Cheryl and her grand-daughter Ava being there. No biggie. I ended up cooking again. This time I made scrambled eggs and my famous friend potatoes. Yum yum. We all ended up taking showers and were going to head up to an Indian reservation when my dad called me to inform that there were EXTREMELY bad thunderstorms back home. Like, they had a tornado warning at my parents house and that it was heading right towards us, mainly the path we had to take home. SOOO, we decided to stay an extra night and let the storm pass. We decided to head to the Falls that night.

We (Tina, Mike, Holli, and myself) headed out to the Falls around 9:30 or so, stopped at this place called Tim Horton's, which is like a cheaper Starbucks and better. Got some iced capps. We get to Niagara and stayed on the American side since I was the only who had my birth certificate. Holli had never seen the Falls so we went there first, then went to the Seneca-Niagara Casino. I didn't gamble because for starters, I have a gambling problem and for desserts, I had no money. So i just hung around and watched. Then we went to the bar in the casino which sucked. All our drinks weren't strong. They tasted like nothing. I got an amaretto and coke and Holli and Tina got sex on the beach and Mike got a Molson Canadian. Blah on our drinks. Gambled some more, some lady who sat at the machine I just got my ass from hit a GRAND. Everyone was pissed at me for not playing. We went back to the bar till 3:30 AMand just sat and bullsht. It was ridiculous. We left and we all were starving so we hit up McDonald's and ending up going to bed after 5 AM so.


Oh, and by the way...the bad storms NEVER came.


Monday, we all were up at 10 AM. We went to the mall and then came back and said goodbye and came home. We left at 5 or 6 and made it back home by 10:30. We played Who Wants To Be A Millionaire on the way home and Mike and I had sing-a-long thru PA since he and I were the only ones awake. I stayed awake for Mike since he was driving, plus I was the navigator.


It was a pretty good time. I really enjoyed myself.


Now, I'm going to let the inspiration come.
I am currently Dorky
I am listening to Never Again - Kelly Clarkson

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hello buffalo.
06/19/2008 02:53 a.m.
I wish I would have written something more, eh, journal worthy before this weekend.

I'm leaving for Buffalo Friday evening. Very possibly heading to Canada to Falls as well. Be back Sunday.

Hopefully with pictures and inspiration.

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