A word of wisdom to pathetic friends...
03/25/2010 05:58 a.m.

So, my 32 year old fellow pathetic poet and guest left my house last week, and then proceeded to "fall in love" with my 18 year old daughter, and now wants to take her back to Ohio with him, and to my dismay, she wants to go with him. God help him.

Take my advice, pathetic friends, you cannot know someone well enough, not even after years of communication. People are not always what they appear, con men do exist, and the apparent honorability of being a fellow poet and member of this site is no guarantee as to the quality of a person's character.

Fuck his "ethics".

Previous to this latest experience, I had never felt bitter or cynical. Now these are my closest allies.



Comments (6)

What does it mean?
03/21/2010 10:01 p.m.

What does it mean, if you end up in the hospital with no one there, needing a ride home at 3:30 am and no one to come fetch you....not once, but twice!? What is a person left to think? I have to look at it. I don't want to look at it. But it's there looking at me and begging for an explanation.

When that ultimate hour of need is there....lying in the worst pain I've ever known....and no one is there...I have to look at it. I have to face what that means. Does it mean I'm a piece of shit? It has to mean that. Or someone would have been there. If I'd been a better wife, or friend, or mother, or niece...someone would have come, right? Someone would have said, "she should not be alone right now." No one said that. No one stayed with me. They all have other lives, more important matters to tend to. I understand that. I have to understand that.

What does it mean when you care for others the way you would want to be cared for and no one is here to care for you at all? What kind of fucked up things must I have done in this life or another that I find myself thus? I have to look at it.

But instead I want to run away. I want to go away. I want to start over. I want to not be here anymore. And I remember, I've never gone for long and not felt like this, even when I was a little girl. Long before I really could have incurred that kind of karma in this life.

What does it mean, that I am alone now and was alone through most of this whole illness, during the minutes and the seconds and the hours when I needed someone? And when I look at all the possible answers to that question, none of the answers seem good. Even if the ultimate answer is that I somehow create certain conditions to reinforce a certain perspective, that sucks. What kind of a person would I be to continually want the truth to reveal that I suck so bad that I deserve to feel this way, which is alone and abandoned?

I know I am not totally unloved. I KNOW that is not true. But, when the rubber hits the road and there is no one there to comfort you, no one to give you a ride home from the ER, no one to remind you to drink when you're too dehydrated to be able to do that for yourself, no one to rouse you when you pass out between the bathroom and the bedroom...I mean, the evidence is compelling.

And I can't stop shuddering at what it means...



Comments (9)

Kidney Stone
03/19/2010 09:19 a.m.

So, amidst the kidney infection, nasal infection, vomitting and 2 trips to the ER, it finally is untangled - it's a kidney stone.

And, he leaves in the middle of it all...Interesting. And sad.

Dr.'s appt tomorrow, and I'm thinking my own efforts to "flush" the thing out are not going too well. I just can't drink fast enough. The ER doc sort of prepared me to plan on being admitted. Thankfully my uncle is coming.

Oh, did I mention I have about the most EXCELLENT children on the face of the planet? Thank you, Jessica, for coming to my rescue at 3:30 am when I couldn't get a ride home from the ER.

Back to bed.

I feel like I've been repeatedly kicked in the back.
Listening to a revolution in my gut.





Comments (3)

Kidney Infection
03/13/2010 10:53 a.m.

Kidney infections suck. Day 5 of the antibiotic and I still hurt. Ugh.

I am currently: taking the long way to recovery
Listening to: the pain in my kidneys



Comments (0)

So one day you wake up....
03/07/2010 09:54 p.m.


So one day, you wake up, more than half a life lived. And you think……”jesus, this is my life. This is it. No more school days. No more 20 year-old breasts. No more dreams of idyllic weddings or certain ways of living. Kids are grown. No husband. Caretaking nearly the whole of life so far and now what? What will I do next? Who will I become now? Where do I want to be, and do I have the means and the stamina to get there?

He is still here, smelling, now, like the perfume of the 9 different women who threw themselves at him on his night out without me, and sporting a decent looking hickey. Interesting. On the one hand, I don’t know what I would have done without his constant energy and repartee and sharing. On the other hand, my feelings about it are complicated and not necessarily logical and not altogether pleasant. I mean, we’re not a couple. We’re not even lovers. The women literally drool when he walks by, and who would I be to even hope to compete? The truth is I can’t. And the truth also is, even if I could……perhaps I wouldn’t want to. So….my emotions are claiming feelings that my brain says are ridiculous and unwarranted. There is jealousy, but I can’t tell if it’s toward the other women, or toward him for having the opportunity and the whatever it takes to be “out there” while I am chained to my caretaking duties. Maybe it’s both, and how dull of me. And so I am left wondering if I can deal. I honestly don’t know.

My mother hasn’t spoken to me since she refused to come and help with Meme as long as my dogs are living here (and of course it isn’t at all about the dogs….they could be dealt with on a temporary basis for her sake). To be fair, I haven’t called her either. I wonder how many times she will abandon her responsibilities in a way that leaves them for me to take care of in this life. I am not inclined, however, to force her to care for her own mother even a few times a year. I just find it deplorable of her. And I wonder if I will ever respect her. At this late date, the probable answer is “no.”

Kate is moving to Hawaii on March 31 for an indefinite period of time. I am soooo thrilled for her as she and her boyfriend are sooooo excited about the opportunity to be in that beautiful environment! But, ohhhh, how I will miss her.

Have a dr's appt on Monday. Hope nothing too serious is uncovered. Ugh.

I am currently: ill
Listening to: the swirl of life around me





Comments (4)

...
02/26/2010 07:04 a.m.


Who will take these hands,
Worn and bare,
And full of years
And find them precious, now?

And why is it I still inquire?


Comments (2)

Out of the OLD.......
02/10/2010 07:09 a.m.
OMG....finally out of the old house for good. Let go of a lot of stuff. But I was able to bless some people, too.

I can't believe how much harder it's become to walk away from things as I age...dreams and hopes and, just, material stuff. I know it's not stuff that has value, but what that "stuff" represented. My entire time with Miah was in that house. My kids left home from that house...In some ways, I feel like I failed, that I couldn't keep Meme and I there. But that isn't helpful, or even necessarily true. I'm just making a mental note that the feeling is there.

It was sooooo hard, going through old things and bringing up old memories, and having to let go of some things anew. It was strange.

And some people don't look at things the way I do, and didn't understand my tears or my sense of loss. I had to make the final trip over there, to gather the last of the remnants of what I needed from that life, by myself. It's fitting really. It's the way things are lately. The economy of streamlining my emotions.

Well, off to take a bath, and wash the rest of what I'm feeling down the drain.

I am currently: ready to breathe a little easier
Listening to: the quiet of our newer, cozier home


Comments (1)

Time for another entry....
02/07/2010 05:20 p.m.

So much happening, so much still to do to get this part of my life resolved. Calls to make, boxes to finish unpacking, the old house to get wrapped up by Tuesday.

And so the solitary state of my romantic life prevails...and all is as it should be. I knew, I suppose, all along, that it would be like this, that we would only have a friendship. I do so love the fact that he came, and I don't know how I would have accomplished the move without him - I'll never (thankfully) know. He was a monster, a HUGE help, my motivator and my support. He and Kate&Ryan. OMG. I'd have been lost without them.

My mother ended up pulling out her support at the last. I'm feeling quite let down about it, not only because it's a help to me, but also because, as she has now refused to come as long as I have my dogs (and it's, of course, not about the dogs at all) her mother, my grandmother, will now miss out. But then, I am not surprised. My mother has always ended up serving her self-absorbed tendencies.

Three of my close family members had heart trouble last week. Strange. Very strange, and disturbing. All are, for the moment, alright. Thank goodness.

I am getting used to not having a significant other. And it frightfully suits me. LOL!

Well, on with my day then.

I am currently: wondering how to have the moving sale
Listening to: the calendar march on





Comments (0)

Out for a few days....
01/25/2010 07:28 p.m.


Ok, taking down the computer today....will be away until the new place is more set up.

Grandma fell today....I wonder if things are wrapping up for her.

Yikes. When it rains, it pours. I'm grateful Matt is here.

I am currently: feeling it
Listening to: time



Comments (1)

Overslept!
01/03/2010 08:08 p.m.


Holy Schnykies!!!! I've NEVER done that, not in the three+ years I've been caring for Meme. I mean, I've been a little late with breakfast once or twice, but I overslept by an hour and a half this morning!!!! My alarm didn't go off. And poor Meme. She got brunch this morning instead of breakfast! Wow.

I have sooooo much to do!!! All my regular chores and cleaning the car, and the fridge, and the floors....lol. The packing, oh the packing!!

Meme had a weird episode yesterday. She was rounding the corner to come to breakfast, the top half of her body was going, but the bottom half wasn't. The weird thing was she almost fell before she realized the bottom half of her body was lagging behind at the oddest angle. Thank goodness she didn't fall, but wow....I hate to think what might have happened if I hadn't been there. So, painting is put on hold and we'll get back to it this next week, and also, the move....

But I'll have lots of help! The kids have offered to pitch in and my aunt and uncle, my mother will come to care for Meme when the time comes and a couple of WONDERMOUS friends. So once I finish packing, it should be a breeze!!!

Oh, and another one of my long lost step sisters found me today too!!!! Life just gets more and more amazing!!! Yayyyyy!!!!

Life is changing, and I can't help but embrace it all.

Here's to a fantabulous 2010 and beyond. GO TEAM!!!!

I am currently: Getting offline to get started!
Listening to: My new MP3 player!





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