Trey-bug and Nana time
06/15/2010 06:33 p.m.

Atreyu has been here since Thursday, and his mama got here Sunday. Funny how kids are always on their worst behavior when mom or dad are around....LOL. He's quite the little dudemous, funny and intense. And amazing. Of course, I'm biased. Not quite old enough for proper adventures yet, so we scaled down the agenda. 'Specially with my ankle still sort of banged up, definitely limited what we could go "do". Still, we've made chocolate chip cookies, and read books, and played dinosaurs and trucks. hehehehe. Perfect!!

They'll be headed back to the coast on Friday. Life will go back to me and grandma and the quiet. His daddy is at home painting his room SpongeBob colors and putting up stickers and the like. He'll be stoked!!

I'm proud of my dogs - they've been amazingly patient with Trey's pokes and pinches and kisses. Hehe.

Meme is smitten, and it's adorable to see the bond that transcends the generations. Wow. Great GREAT grandma and grandson playing ball. Sooooo incredible!

Well, I've barely been able to peek at the computer all week, so I'm off to check in. *happy sigh*

I am currently: snuggled with my doggies
Listening to: a quiet house

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If we'd had a choice
06/04/2010 05:17 p.m.


June 4 arrives every year,
Right on schedule
As if it had a place
Among other days.

This year the tears visit.

This year he would have been 27.

This year, the nausea visits too.

I’ve always thought
The echo would fade over time.
I know the feelings I’m having,
They’re just a story about
Finding my boy’s empty shell,
The horror that felt like an abduction.
Where did he go
That his little body could not follow?
Where was he taken
That I would no longer hear him giggle,
Or feel his hand grasp mine,
Or know his hungry lips upon my breast?
What cruel joke had been played
That those sweet lips would never
Ever
Smile again?

I know the story by heart,
And most years,
June 4 replays it.
And while I could be almost certain
The details have more or less skewed themselves
Over these 27 years,
There is no version of it
That has a different ending
Than walking into that nightmare.

And yet my imagination insists –
Wondering what he would look like,
Who he would love,
Who his own children would be,
And how my own path might have been swayed
If he’d remained.
As if we had a choice.

I am currently: stuck in that vortex
Listening to: surreality

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The good, the bad, and the ouchie
06/02/2010 09:02 p.m.

Got to Yachats after a leisurely drive, stopped and took some pics. Got to the hotel, checked in, curled my hair and went excitedly to supper where Tony Kaltenburg was scheduled to do a live 3 hour show. The mix of music and food and restaurant chatter and sea and sky was brilliantly gorgeous!!!! I went back to the motel, went for a swim, and drifted off to dream land.

The next morning, I woke up at a reasonable hour, and got dressed to go agate hunting. Long story short, the first beach I went to was AMAZING (even though the hike UP the sand-dune to get to the beach, and then BACK up the dune to get to the car nearly KILLED me). I found some very nice agates. Driving back to Yachats, the plan was to swim some more, take a shower, and catch the other live show during supper at The Drift Inn. But noooooooooo. I spotted a site I REALLY wanted to go exploring at, and proceeded to attempt a very small but apparently trecherous trail down to another part of the beach. SEVEN short steps to the beach, upon which step number six found my right leg sliding, my left leg reluctantly agreeing to go with it, while my left ankle refused to budge. I heard a resounding "snap" above the din of the ocean roar, felt the too familiar sear of pain, and landed on my tailside in a heap. After assessing the damage as best I could, I tried to get on my feet, quite unsuccessfully. Afternoon spent in a very unorganized ER in Florence. No broken bones, just a few snapped tendons and/or ligaments. And, yeah, that's the short side of the story. Ugh.

Needless to say, getting BACK into my motel room without anyone or crutches was excruciating. The next day, I drove myself the four and a half hours to home and finally rested my badly swollen ankle with some frozen peas and elevation. Today I am convinced it was grace that kept me from feeling the pain I do today. Double ugh. Thank goodness my aunt is in town from Arizona for two more days. And then my mom is coming on Friday to help. At least it's not as bad as my right ankle was a couple of years ago. I still have some tendons and ligaments intact to help support me.

Anyway, other than the ankle mishap, it was a lovely, wonderous trip, during which I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason. Everything.

Meme's appt with the kidney doc is tomorrow. My aunt will do the driving. I'll go along for the ride so I can hear what the doc has to say. Thanks for the prayers everyone!!! Much appreciated!!! Her kidney function has improved somewhat, which is almost unheard of from what I can gather. Looking forward to hearing from the doc about it.

I am currently: sitting at an amazing angle at my desk
Listening to: The Tony Kaltenberg CD I bought Sunday night

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Spoke too soon?
05/29/2010 09:07 p.m.

This woman, this grandmother of mine, is the QUEEN of rallying herself!!! With the help of a low potassium diet and discontinuing several "hard-on-the-kidneys" medications, her kidney function is back up to 40%!!!! Amazing. And her labs look a bit better too. Potassium is still slightly up, but her BUN and creatinine are back near normal. Now if she can just get rid of the edema, and the cough...all systems will be "go"!!! She's amazing. Again, we'll know more about what we might be able to expect from her kidney docs next Thursday. But for now, WHEW!!!!

I've been taking care of Meme for the last 12 years, in graduating stages. But she's been my whole focus for about the last 3-4 years. In the last week, I've felt a bit of panic, wondering what life would be like without her here. Very strange stuff, that wondering. Very strange indeed. Well, I don't have to think about it afterall at the moment. Another WHEW!!

In the meantime, my aunt and uncle and mother are here for a few days, and I am going to go to the coast for a solo journey lasting Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. YAYYYYY!!!! I'm going to Yachats; found a room there for two nights for just over $100. First day is an art/farmer's market. Monday I'll go rock hunting at a beach known for fine agates, then Monday night I'll hit a live music show in Yachats. And Tuesday I'll window-shop in Newport, and stop in Portland on the way home to eat at my FAVORITE vegetarian restaurant, and visit the book store I love. And, walk in the beach, and sleep, and read.....YESAH!!!! Life is good!!!

I am currently: sooooooo excited for a couple of days on my own
Listening to: a mix CD I made for the trip and looking forward to listening to the one Adam is making for me :))



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The slippery slope
05/25/2010 06:22 p.m.

Meme's kidney function is down to 28%. We meet with the nephrologist next Thursday to talk about remaining kidney function, how to stretch it, and when the right time is to bring in hospice (which, by the looks of it, is imminent. She had probably two TIA's (mini strokes) this week, which makes several in this last year. They've discontinued several of her medications to help reduce the strain on her kidneys, which means the added strain of those meds is greater than the benefit of taking them - basically putting out one fire but starting another.

Of course, when caring for a 90 year old, it's daft to imagine that there is much time left. But now that the slippery slope toward her transition has actually begun....well, you know. Too many emotions to untangle at the moment. It feels like if I peek into that box, they'll explode all over and I'll have a big mess. So I suppose, for now - just for now - I'll opt to keep the lid on.

I am currently: tired from having spent most of the night in the ER with Meme
Listening to: soundscapes instead of "The View". Heh.





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Hey, I won!!!!
05/21/2010 07:34 p.m.

I entered a poetry contest in Second Life, a place where I've had the opportunity to actually read my poetry sometimes....and I won!!!! The theme was You Are My Inspiration, and I entered my poem about my grandmother, "Shuffle Days". Of course, there weren't ALOT of entrants, but....I still feel quite honored!!!

*giggling*



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I know I've been away...
05/20/2010 08:28 p.m.

I know I've been away. Not entirely, but, my reading others' work and commenting has suffered. Kidney stones and surgery and moving and not knowing where money for living was going to come from and family crisis (plural) have been plenty since about mid-winter. And they're not finished, but I'm going to try and get some reading/commenting in before I get swept away again in the responsibility of it all.

My sister just got the news that the cysts on her liver are either pre-cancer or cancer, not simply cysts, and the surgery to remove them will be her third major surgery in less than two months. *sigh* I may be headed to Kansas to hold her hand and her hair back while she goes through chemo. My uncle will come to care for Meme until I can get back.

I've worked over Meme's and my budget to see if I can make it more likely that Meme and I will be able to continue to live here together. Her nest egg is gone, and so covering the monthly bills is down to her fixed monthly income. My aunt and uncle were considering allowing us to live with them, but it's not like it was an invitation. More of a reluctant, sacrificial consideration on their parts - something my uncle is not particularly good at pulling off. He gets sour pretty easily when he feels crowded, and that's not an ideal situation for anyone. I've gotten the cable people to lower the bill for a year, and shaved off "extras" everywhere I can think of shaving. There is no money left over for emergencies or even clothing, but Meme has agreed she'd rather eat beans and leftovers and wear old clothes for the rest of her life than have to go to a nursing home. I know, I know. Where are her children in all of this? That's an excellent question, which none of them seem eager or even willing to answer. If the dilema were left up to them to solve, they've made it pretty clear they would sooner see her in a nursing home than in any of their care. It sucks, but it is what it is.

My grandfather's cousin, who was more like a brother to him, has offered to help Meme and I out until December so that we can keep Meme in her own home rather than a nursing home. He says he's "old and can't make any commitments for more than a few months at a time". Bless him. He's 90, fairly well-to-do and calls my grandmother several times a year to see how she's doing. He doesn't owe either of us a damn thing, but still he offers to help. Wow. So, for now, it's status quo, and the worries associated with lack of funds can be back-burnered at least for the time being. Whew.

The 44 year old man I'm falling in love with, Adam, also offered to help financially so that I could continue to care for Meme, (which, if not for Meme's cousin-in-law, would have been terribly helpful). It's truly unselfish of him on so many levels. For one thing, me continuing to care for Meme means that I can't even consider moving to Scotland until I'm no longer needed here, and that, if he wants to be with me, he may have to leave his home in the UK to do it. The columbia gorge is a beautiful place, but not necessarily an easy place to live. Those of us who live here know - there is something heavy and oppressive here that sucks the energy out of you if you don't know how to cope with it. Plus, he has a history of being allergic to dogs. I have two - so he'd have to let the Benadryl fly. At any rate, Meme and I will be set, for a few months at least, but it was a lovely offer.

Beyond that, he is just an all-around incredible person. He's a freelance web developer. He's tender and kind and loving. He loves chick-flicks (which tickles me to no end), and isn't afraid to clap (or cry) when the romance wins. We have the same taste in music :). He's musically inclined, like me, and he loves to read/write poetry. We think about spiritual things in the same way, and we spend loooooong hours on skype talking and talking and talking and never running out of things to discuss. He loves physics as well as metaphysics, just like me, but doesn't talk over my head about it (thank goodness!!!). Most and BEST of all, so far, he's the only person I've ever been in a relationship with who loves ALL of me. It's not that he thinks I'm perfect, but he honors my journey and all the steps I'm taking, even the ones where I stumble. God knows I'm pretty clumsy these days. Hehe.

And it's not that he's perfect, either. I mean, none of us are! But, so far, he's the first man I've ever met who not only courageously embraces his encounters with his dragons but comes out of it with treasures. And, for once, his "dragons" are not the kind that threaten a relationship's survival. It's entirely refreshing to be with someone who actually takes responsibility for his side of the street and WANTS to (and DOES) deal with what he discovers there. I have immense respect for his journey. We are reading a couple of books together. One of them is "Awakening the Heroes Within", which is quite an interesting take on the human process. I adore hearing his point of view!!! We are two peas in pod in soooo many ways, which is nice. And when we're not, it makes for fascinating discoveries!

In other news....It's harder than I thought to be tied to the house nearly 24/7. Meme can be left alone only for VERY short periods, not even long enough for me to go to class anymore - mostly just long enough for me to get out and do the shopping or take the dogs for a walk. In all honesty, back when Meme needed to live with someone, no one imagined she would ralley herself this way. At the time, we all thought it was a 1-2 year commitment I was making,at the most. So, I've filled out paperwork to receive respite care so I can get a break in caring for Meme, and hopefully that will be available sooner rather than later.

My kids and their sense of family are finally recovering from the recent divide and conquer attempt. Turns out there were a lot more lies spread than I even knew about. I have the most amazing children. At the end of the day, it made us stronger, all of us.

Well, I feel like I'm leaving something out, but for the life of me, I can't think of what it might be. Early menopause symptoms, I'm told. Heh.

Hope my fellow poets are staying well. Love to see so many of you on facebook!!!

I am currently: feeling loved and supported despite the load
Listening to: the amazing peace provided by the headphones I was able to buy Meme so she could watch television at lower than 90% of the volume's capacity! hehehe.






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Not up to it
05/11/2010 05:56 a.m.

Just not up to writing lately. Soooo much going on. Hopefully will get caught up soon.

In the news....Meme and I and where we're going to live
....happy in love
....healing, healing, healing and doing the work to face the mirror
without puking
....my amazing Adam

AND...that is all for now. Heh.

I am currently: itching to watch a movie with Adam
Listening to: ranting about yahoo email



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Ooooooh, blessings!
04/26/2010 06:23 p.m.

Changes, changes, and not a thing to wear! Wait, I've mixed my metaphors again. Heh.

The first bit isn't really good news....my uncle went in for emergency surgery last week, AND has a badly infected toe. Seems the current state of his health is going to prevent him from coming to care for Meme afterall. And while I'm sorry that he's struggling at the moment (the surgery, while complicated, had an overall successful outcome and, as a result of being in the hospital anyway, his toe is going to get proper attention as well), it does seem that the universe pretty firmly closed that door as a possible solution to the "too much month and not enough money" dilemna that Meme and I have been facing.

In the meantime ("oh no, not the MEANtime"...hehe) an elderly but financially "set" cousin of my grandfather's, who regularly checks on Meme, has offered to send a "one-time modest contribution" to help Meme stay in her home! Yayyyyyy!!!

AND....on a whim (for I can count on one hand the number of times I play video lottery games) I put $20 into a machine last night and got a Royal Flush, winning over $300!!! Yesah!!! This definitely helps with the overall plan!!

And finally, my Adam had an idea about one possible scenario that could keep Meme "home", and I ran it by another family member, and lo and behold, it JUST might work so that Meme doesn't have to go into a nursing home!!! It would mean moving again, and having to find homes for my sweet pets, but if push comes to shove (and it certainly looks like it might), I think we have a plan "B".

And, Meme has finally conceded to eating leftovers, as well as meals made from beans so she can remain "home" as opposed to a facility!!! LOL!!!

In other news, Adam and I are making plans.....so many plans.....makes me giggle madly!!!

I am currently: marvelous
Listening to: the mounting skype hours logged with my sweet guy!!!





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I am blessed...
04/18/2010 04:50 a.m.

The paradoxes of a life....lies and beauty, grey skies and rainbows, the dull minutae of every day and magic.

Life is quickly changing. My uncle has decided it may be time for him to step up and come take care of Meme, his mother, my grandmother. This leaves me free to roam about the universe....

If everything goes the way Adam and I hope, we want to move to Scotland, but that is many, many months away with lots of things needing to happen in the interim. I'm so excited I want to dance all the time! :)

One of those things that has to happen "in the interim", if my uncle comes to care for Meme, is that very shortly after he comes I'll need to find a job, a cheap place to live, and save money. The UK will want to know that between Adam and I, I will be supported until I can find work in the UK.

We have lots to get through....a visit is the first thing. And if that goes as delightfully as we expect it to, we'll put the next part of the plan into place, which is to save enough money for several months so that I can move back to the UK and we can get the proper VISAS sorted out.

I have a couple of ideas about how to do that. One of them is to go to Breitenbush, which is a sort of hippie, green-friendly, vegetarian, hot springs resort and work there. All of the employees are paid minimum wage as well as provided room and board. And since it's remote, there's really no place to spend the money you earn, so it's easy to save.

Another possibility is to live cheaply here in my little podunk town, work and work and work until I have enough money saved. Either way, the plan is to be in Scotland before 2011. :)) What a wonderful adventure awaits!!! What a wonderful man I'm loving!!!

I am currently: falling in love
Listening to: the beating of my heart, and the recent past fading to dust.



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