Stuff that stinks....
10/07/2010 06:39 p.m.


It comes pouring out,
Raw excrement,
Feelings left over from some
Long ago ingested injustice,
Held too long before evacuation,
And now there is a mess.

But it’s my mess,
And your misplaced apologies
Not only expose you to the toxicity,
But interfere with
My cleaning it up.

I am currently: Pissed off for too many reasons to allow for specifics
Listening to: My muscles suck it up.

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Transitions
09/19/2010 06:05 p.m.


Adam is amazing. The way we fit is amazing and beautiful, even when we disagree (and, believe me, there are times....LOL). The growth we are experiencing together is fragrant and lovely. He is the most interesting person I've ever met, and intelligent, and supportive of me and my journey, even when it takes him down a path he would never have traveled on his own. But that is part of the magic of loving someone, and honoring and respecting their journey. I've heard others speak of honor. They just don't know. To be able to be supportive, to BE THERE for someone, even when the terrain is strange or even difficult...that, to me, is when true love shows up.

I am glad I have this loveliness to sustain me, since the rest of my life is in a state of transition...

I had a dr's appt. two weeks ago. We talked about my ear infection (which has so beautifully cleared up and most of my hearing seems to be back). She made a referral to the ear-nose-throat doc in town (the same one who took out my tonsils when I was almost a grownup)to conduct a hearing loss test and to look at my ears more closely to see if anything can be done to reverse the damage of the recurring infections. We talked about the fact that I've been on five different antibiotics in the course of 8 months, and how ill I've been. I had a new issue to discuss with her as well....a trail of nerves in my left shoulder/arm/hand that hurt and tingle. She ordered x-rays of my neck, then called me from home the next morning to give me the results. Apparently what appeared on the x-rays was moderate-severe arthritis in my neck , bone spurs, and cervical spondylosis (a narrowing of the disc space - between the discs but also in the spinal canal of the neck). For this she has made a referral to a neurologist, I can only lift less than 20lbs, and I may need cervical spine surgery. She also said I MUST avoid stress, specifically, both the physical stress and the emotional stress of caring for Meme.

I knew it was coming, the end of me being able to care for Meme. But when I started this journey, I believed my ability to care for her would outlast her need for the care. I am sad and disappointed beyond words that it has turned out to be the other way around. Yet, I knew that the scarcity of respite care for myself was taking a toll. My body has been telling me for over a year. My family has been worried about me for just over a year, but I pushed on, thinking I could stretch myself just a little further...

So begins the tedious and sometimes frightening process of untangling myself from what had become my life, and transitioning all that I was in charge of to other hands. In conducting the research for getting Meme's affairs in order so that we can apply for medicaid and put her finances into an income cap trust, I have discovered in hindsight (being 20-20 and all...heh) that we, as a family, should have consulted an elder law attorney before we even started my caring for her. I have more than likely not kept the "books" properly, but I'm hoping it doesn't come back to bite us in the ass. And even after medicaid determines she is eligible, there is the task of finding a placement for her in the best home possible. Can I just say...OMG.

Beyond getting Meme settled, there are soooo many other loose ends. I have to let go of Meme's car, which leaves me with walking. Which would be ok if we didn't live on the VERY MOST western end of town, placing five to fifteen miles between me and anyplace I might need to go, not to mention any goods I might have to carry BACK with me, not to mention the fact that I am sooooo out of shape. I have to close up this house, and be careful not to sell any of her belongings for less than they are worth. It belongs to my aunt, and while she will be able to extend a month or two perhaps of "rent-free" housing, there is still the electricity, food, other living expenses to cover. I haven't been employed anywhere for nearly four years. And with the condition of my neck and the restrictions because of that, well, it rather limits what I can offer an employer. Ugh, just writing it....it all sounds so negative. And truly, I don't want to borrow trouble or even feel it is a weighted task ahead. The universe has taken me this far, I know I won't be dropped on my head now.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do next, or how it's going to come together.

Adam has offered to take me back to the UK with him for an extended visit, but that requires about $2000.00....approx. $1000.00 for the plane ticket, and I have to show up with money or they won't let me in. And I'm thinking $1000.00 for the nearly six months I would be able to stay might not be enough, but it's a place to start.

My sister, who lives in Kansas, has said I could go stay with her so I could work and save up enough money to go to the UK eventually, so, that is an option even though living in Kansas for any amount of time doesn't really appeal and even though I'm crazy about my sister.

My aunt Celeste has said that I could stay temporarily with her and her husband, uncle Dan, but Dan isn't really fond of hosting for more than a weekend or so. I don't know, but being someplace where hosting me causes any level of discomfort isn't all that appealing to me for some reason. :))

The one thing I'm sure of, especially since Adam and I are on the same page about it :)), is that whatever the future holds, we would love to be together. Being citizens of different countries, however, means that being together is not a simple matter of moving to the same house or even the same city. And getting married is quite the daunting idea in whichever country we want to live. It's an expensive and complicated process, and we both have families in our own respective countries that we can't just leave behind.

So the bottom line is that I don't really know what or how the next few months are going to unfold or where I'm going to be or how I'm going to pay for any of it. Again, I know I've not come this far just to be dropped on my head now. And I KNOW that God knows what's coming, and that it will be for my highest good. I just feel a little, ummm, drifty at the moment. But at the same time, I know it's going to be an adventure....the bats have been flying where I can see them. Heh.

I am currently: struggling to hold it together
Listening to: music in the other room



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Beyond Ridiculous
08/28/2010 08:33 p.m.

So I wake this morning, early, because of searing pain in my right ear. Right away, because I know I don't feel pain until my ear drum is about ready to burst, I call my doc's office so I can get a referral to the ER. Again.

Four prescriptions later (oral antibiotic, decongestant, oral and topical painkiller), I'm home praying that my ear drum doesn't burst and I am feeling better by Tuesday. But this is the fifth time I'll have been on antibiotics this year. It's too much. The ER doc said I HAD to go see the ear/nose/throat guy here...the same doctor who helped me a couple of years ago with my hearing loss. He's a nice doctor, and familiar with my head.

My body is screaming at me in so many ways, and I think it's telling me I'm going to have to make some changes. I have been loathe to consider not caring for Meme, but I can no longer ignore what my life is saying to me...enough caretaking and time to focus on me. I feel terrible about it. I've known for some time that I would not be able to continue caring for Meme with very little respite. I'd gotten approved for a state funded respite program two weeks before the funding for the entire program was cut. My grandmother has four children - three of whom live in the same state as us - none of whom will come and care for her. They have their reasons, and I understand them. Unfortunately, that understanding doesn't help me help Meme. But if I continue to provide care without any respite, it's clear that I'm going to lose my functionality and then she won't have me anyway.

Well, the plan for now goes like this. Take my medicine and rest as much as possible until Tuesday. Tuesday I pick up Adam and we go on vacation. I plan on resting up good, and laughing, and eating, and laughing some more.

After Adam and I get back, it's time to organize a family meeting and lay it out for everyone. No one will be surprised. They've all wondered how we've managed this long. It will devastate Meme though. God. How I don't want to do that.

I've got to figure out how to do this and not fall apart, and not feel like I've failed her, and not feel like I've failed me.

Well, I don't have to think about that today.

I am currently: in pain
Listening to: the whoosh whoosh whoosh behind my eardrum


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Come Tuesday
08/25/2010 05:54 p.m.

Well, it's finally here, the "less than a week" mark for Adam's arrival. His journey actually begins on Monday with a nearly five hour train ride to London, then a 12 hour wait spent mostly at a London hotel, then a ten hour flight from London to Houston, then the anticipation of customs and whether or not they'll actually let him through to his connecting flight of four and a half hours to Portland. He arrives in Portland at 5:30 Tuesday.

The journey at my end starts Tuesday morning, with a whirlwind day of taking my dogs to the kennell, packing, getting my mother sorted once she gets here to care for Meme, and finally heading to the airport around 1:00 pm so I'll be there in plenty of time should his plane land a little early. :))

From there, we have our first night together booked at the Mariott plus a 3-D Avatar Special Edition movie planned. Then sleep. Complimentary breakfast buffet and maybe a swim, a shower and then the 2 1/2 hour drive to the coast for four more days...a room with a private balcony and steps that lead right down onto the sand. Casino night, a trip to the Newport Aquarium, a bonfire on the beach with s'mores, snuggling and watching movies, champagne, a little greenery perhaps, exploring the coast, and listening to the roar of the ocean. And most exquisitely, the happy anticipation of beginning our six week adventure of integration. Heh.

I have my hopes, however slightly suspended by past experience and a sense of allowing reality to be what it is....but certainly faith that the universe will still guide me through the maze of what it takes to facilitate growth of the best kind, for each of us, always.

And I sense the strange waiting on the edge of your seat....yes, you....looking to see how it will all unfold. I post here, after all, to satisfy your keen sense of curiosity about what it looks like to make some sort of measureable progress in life while engaging in the somewhat risky processes I occasionally seem to embrace.

Heh.

I am currently: watching the countdown
Listening to: time bend



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Weary
08/20/2010 05:54 p.m.

I'm soooooo tired. I've finished the antibiotics for the kidney infection, but my whole body still feels like I've been run over by a truck. I've slept every moment possible for the last two days, and I'm not feeling rested. On top of that, I can't hear out of my right ear :( Maybe the days of feeling tip top are just over. But I want so to feel better. All prayers welcome.

On a happy note, Meme's ear infection cleared up and she seems to be feeling better! Yayyyyy.

I am currently: bone weary
Listening to: sweat



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Gurgling
08/16/2010 09:15 a.m.

I’m not through writing tonight. I can feel the words gurgling just under the surface, but I can’t reach them. I have feelings, but they are not ready to surface, and this is a pretty recent thing in my life, to have feelings, but for them not to come bouncing out of the water to land forcefully on my sleeve. Hmmmmm. It’s all quite an interesting process to observe, sort of outside of myself but not.

I had a dream today. At first I was in a small van. We were picking up passengers all over some town that I had recently moved to, and therefore wasn’t too familiar with. I didn’t recognize any of the passengers we were picking up. As the number of passengers grew, so did the van until there were about 20 of us. I distinctly remember one very obese woman, and she took her seat with an enthusiastic bounce that shook the world. An alter me, perhaps. Heh.

I was in the front of the van, but not driving.

After the last passenger had been picked up, the driver made a rather unsafe left turn out of the driveway and into traffic, narrowly missing a large vehicle that morphed, as we passed it, into a school bus. In its attempt to stop without colliding with the van, it ended up at an angle that somehow put its tail end into the lane the van needed. I wondered if there was enough room to go around. There was.

Just a few minutes later, the van pulled into the parking lot of a park. We all got out of the van. I asked someone, “Where are we?” And she answered “Clando Park.” And in my mind, I corrected it to Llandudno. And yet, he, himself, didn’t enter the dream or my awareness. Interesting.

I am regarding my life with a semi-detachment that allows me to look at it without feeling particularly worried about any of it. So many changes are coming. Yet I don’t for sure know any of the destinations or how I’m going to get there. And right in this moment, I’m not feeling in too much distress about the not knowing. This, too, is an unusual response for me, but it feels peaceful, so I’m just hanging out in it.

I am currently: getting ready for bed
Listening to: the ringing in my right ear, which causes me to hear in a left-brain fashion. Hmmmm.



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Steven's POTD, MY son!!!!
08/13/2010 08:42 p.m.

I am soooooooo proud of him! Just say'n.



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Yet again, arrrrgggghhhh!
08/10/2010 06:10 p.m.


I have another kidney infection. Good grief, wtheck? Well, I went in about it earlier this time than I did last time, and the antibiotics seem to be working. Hopefully there's not another stone in there as well to pass.

It's so discouraging that it makes you this ill. Well, onward to healing.

I am currently: on antibiotics
Listening to: my body healing



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Coming to Oregon
07/28/2010 06:27 a.m.

Adam is coming to Oregon for a visit! He booked his flight a couple of days ago for the end of August and is staying several weeks. I'm excited and nervous, but more excited!! We're going to the coast first thing to spend some time there, and then back home. Meeting my family, God help him! LOL!!

And, *knocking on wood*, if things go the way we both hope they will, we're going to try for another visit at Christmas time.

I had NO idea how difficult it would be to date someone from another country. Yikes!! I mean, sure, there are the obvious hurdles of not being able to go and grab a coffee together or go for a meal during the "getting to know one another" stage. That is a relationship model that is just REALLY different. But the international aspect is what I'm talking about!!! I understand why travel between countries would be complicated given the state of security all countries are in these days, but WOW!!! And if we wanted to get married?!?!? THEN it becomes REALLY complicated and even MORE expensive than just trying to visit!!! Good thing we love each other, and, no matter what, we have a great friendship built!!

Trying to tiptoe just a little around my kids though. After some of their experiences/observations with me and the relationships I've either been in or considered over the years, I don't blame them. Even Miah was difficult for them because they got close to him too, and in the end, I wasn't the only one who experienced a loss when that relationship ended. Also, they've watched me get hurt, and it just seems silly to them that I would put myself at risk again. Love is a risk. It always is. And my track record would suggest that I'm not very lucky in love, but, always always I've been open to whatever the universe brings in terms of love. Honestly, even though I know the world of relationships has always been difficult for me, I wouldn't change any of it. Each and every experience has brought me something I needed. And I KNOW that the universe brought Adam and I together, for whatever length of time and whatever lessons are there for the both of us.

Well, I'll keep my journal as updated as possible :)

I am currently: spending the week with my grandson
Listening to: the sweet little sleeping noises of my almost-two-year-old dudemous



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It's about me now
07/07/2010 03:51 a.m.


It’s time for me to care for me.

Well, ok, I know
I’m late,
But at least I'm finally here.

And I don’t know what that means
About tomorrow.

And I don’t know where “you”,
Any of “you”,
Fit.

I only know I’ve looked inside,
It’s a mess,
And no one
Can sort through the jumble
But me.

And I'm going to take
All the time I need
To do this right.

And I can't stop
To feel sorry
If that doesn't work for anyone else -
Even if I
Get lonely along the way.

And when I'm all too serious,
I'll tackle myself
And giggle like mad,
'Cuz I can do that -
Take my sulky surly and
Tickle it silly.

And that's all there is to that.

I am currently: in my own skin
Listening to: the quiet in my soul






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