Numbness
12/29/2010 11:38 p.m.

A strange numbness seems to have taken residence inside me. Other than Keefer and perhaps Atreyu, I feel connected to no one, yet it isn't a lonliness or sadness.

I feel like I'm floating, observing these moments from a great distance away from myself.

I know I need to get a job, so I'm applying. I laugh with Atreyu in his 2 year old perspective. I do the dishes, the laundry, contribute to my son's vast list of household chores. I answer my phone, mostly.

But I don't feel.

And even as I write this, the closest thing to feeling is my sense of "huh." I suspect this should FEEL (at the very least) interesting, but even that level eludes me at the moment.

Meanwhile, I have no idea what this is going to do to my relationship with Adam. He's been incredibly patient, and, again, while I suspect I should feel appreciative, I just don't feel anything. I have been honest with him about where I'm at, and I guess that's good, but it seems unfair. When I seek guidance about it, the message I get is "Sit. Wait." and "Someone is coming to help you untangle this new situation."

Oh, and I've lost 22lbs (most of which was weight I gained while Adam and I enjoyed eating together). Huh.

I am currently: not much of anything
Listening to: some distant urge to get my butt to Worksource



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Can someone....
12/21/2010 03:36 a.m.

Can someone stop this merry-go-round, for just a little while? I'd like to get off now, for just a little while.

I am currently: utterly baffled about one of my kids
Listening to: the universe beat me about the head and neck



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As Good as it Gets
12/18/2010 01:35 a.m.


I don’t know how it happens, that I am the only one here to appreciate my little idiosyncrasies. For instance, the way I leave the last dregs in the bottom of anything I drink – from the last of the beer in the bottle to the last of the milk in the jug… I just cannot put it into my mouth, like there might be something completely unsavory hanging out in that last swallow.

Or how about the way I love to say, “you do?? You do???” to my dog in this particularly funny voice.

Or the way I manage to overflow the sink with hot suds, or the way the box of spaghetti falls out of the cupboard upside down, spilling all the uncooked spaghetti noodles onto the floor like perfect pick-up sticks.

And the joy of it all….

Well, writing it in here is hardly the same thing as having someone here to notice, is it?

Did I mention I love my dog, the way he lays his head on my lap and sighs when I gently scratch his one soft place, right there on the top of his head…the way he can’t bring himself to bite my hand when we play, but just licks it, growling the whole time like he’s the toughest growler in the world? I love how he snuggles into the back of my legs at night when we have the bed all to ourselves, sighing again when he gets all settled in like right there is the sweetest place in the world. I love how it’s nearly unexplainable, the preciousness of his unconditional affection for me and only me.

It’s almost as good as it gets, really.

I am crrently: waiting for the rest of my things to pack themselves
Listening to: Definitely, Maybe

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Today
12/13/2010 06:56 p.m.

Well, after today, everything will be different. Meme's being admitted today to a long term care facility. She's all packed, we have a truck and she's going.

From here on out, it's all changing.

Astoria, here I come.

I am currently: in transition
LIstening to: Meme's last day at "home"

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7 Years!
12/07/2010 09:36 p.m.

This month marks the beginning of my 8th year at Pathetic. Wow. I can't believe I've been here that long. It's one constant in my world of changes.

And as I write, I'm surrounded by packing boxes and the clutter of moving - again.

Let's see, since I've been at Pathetic, I've moved, ummmmm *counting*....Wasco, to Celeste's, to American Village apts, back to Wasco, to The Dalles on Court St, then to Hood River, then back to the Dalles (another apt on Court St), then to 14th St in The Dalles, then to the house on Snipes St. when Meme needed to move in with us, then to 10th Street with Meme, then to here....and now, in the next two weeks, I'll be moving on to Astoria. Holy schnykies!!! That's 12 moves in 7 years. That's just ridiculous.

My caring for Meme full time is near its end now. I've managed to get all her affairs in order, switch her income to a trust account, arrange for new, local doctors by getting her health insurance reassigned. I've arranged for her admission into a long term care facility and that's set for next Monday. She keeps telling me how she is resigned to her future at this care facility, but she is not looking forward to it and she "feels like (she's) going there to die." Hearbreaking for both of us. I've been caring for her for the last 13 years - 8 1/2 of them just assisting her so she could remain in her own apartment, and 4 1/2 of them caring for her full time at home. If I could have found more respite for myself, and if my own health hadn't forced me to face the fact that I could not continue caring for someone 24/7, I would have SOOOO loved to continue providing her with a home to remain in until she leaves her body.

Amanda and Steven (who've been living with Meme and I most of this time) have found an apartment to share, finally, after months of searching and applying. They are moving their things today.

I've found places for one of my dogs, while Keefer (the other one) is going to remain with me. I've found a home for our bird, our two fish, and I'm working on helping my son find one for his cat. Every placement feels like a part of me is going, too.

I'm going to be moving about 180 miles away to live in a little town on the Oregon coast, Astoria Oregon (you know, the little town where Kindergarten Cop with Arnold Schwartzenaeger (sp?) was filmed). Originally I was scheduled to move the 15th, but since Meme's admission isn't until the 13th, I'm making arrangements to stay on another week or so, to finish closing up the house here. Astoria sits on the mouth of the Columbia River where it merges with the Pacific Ocean, rather than being right on the ocean. Still, it's only a ten minute drive to the shore at Seaside, OR, so I'll have the solace and nurture of the beach soooo close by!

Since I haven't been employed outside my home for over three years, and I haven't had access to my own income all that time, I am going into this new life with no money to get me started (other than what I've been able to stash away for the actual moving truck and gasoline). I'm so grateful that my oldest son has invited me to live with him and his wife and my grandson. I feel blessed as well as humbled by his gift and my need for it. And the financial contribution he's suggested I make after I find a job is MORE than reasonable.

Even though, intellecutally, I realize that it isn't useful to feel this way, I honestly feel a bit ashamed to be in the position where I do not have the money to provide for myself. Such is the opportunity to grow that the universe is giving me presently.

It will be strange to live so far away from The Dalles, even though the last 13 years "here" have been pretty scattered. From raising my kids both full and part time, to a failed marriage, two engagements, a couple of different employers, and so many stops and starts along the way to trying to find a sense of direction and purpose, even destiny through it all - I can't believe I am the age I am and still such a nomad. It certainly isn't the life I mapped out for myself when I was 18.

Adam has gone back to the UK, his visitor's visa having run the full length of permission. having him here was such a blessing, and his sharing my responsibilities eased the load considerably. I will be forever grateful to him for loving and supporting me while he was here. Eventually we plan to be together again, hopefully this time with me going to the UK to be with him for a visit, but we're taking things nice and slow and easy. I may need to be "just me" for awhile after I get settled at my son's, at least a little while. It's mostly about self care and getting myself sorted out. Adam is amazing and wonderful and I am ever blessed to have him in my life. I just don't absolutely know that I am fit for any serious relationship presently.

Well, onward ho....

I am currently: packing
Listening to: complaints about being shifted yet again.

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Imminent Adventures
11/20/2010 06:45 p.m.



OK, so here's the breakdown....



*Thanksgiving
*Adam and I head into Portland Thurs. night
*Adam flies back early Sat. morning :'(
*Miss Adam
*Come back home and finish getting Meme into OVH
*Miss Adam
*Pack
*Miss Adam
*Deal with my aunt/landlord who is driving up from Arizona - ugh
*Miss Adam
*Pack some more
*Clean
*Miss Adam
*rent moving truck
*Miss Adam
*Load moving truck
*Miss Adam
*Dec. 15th - Move to Astoria to start my new life living with my oldest son, dtr-in-law and grandson





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Mediocre
11/15/2010 05:31 p.m.

I know the stuff I've been writing lately is mediocre, and I haven't been contributing enough in the way of reading other work. Hopefully with all the changes happening, and coming to a head in the next couple of months, things will even out once and for all.

The future, at the moment, seems to be a harrowing prospect for many of us.

I am currently: late for breakfast
Listening to: winter coming again



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A new direction, a fresh breath of hope...
10/30/2010 08:57 a.m.

So, I prayed, REALLY prayed....let go of my situation, refocused my intentions toward release, and the next morning, my oldest son, Joe, who lives in Astoria, OR, sent me a message that said, "You know, we have a room for you here, and you can bring Keefer."

And the relief feels like the freshest air I've breathed in a long time. While I am prepared to deal with whatever challenges my ego may face in accepting this kindness from one of my children, I am also entirely certain of the Universe's hand in this opportunity to bond with Joe and Trey and Tamara (my daughter in law).

Now, onto wrapping things up here in The Dalles....

I visited the ear/nose/throat doc today to try and get to the bottom of why I keep going deaf in my right ear. He discovered an infection BEHIND the ear drum, probably an extension of my chronic nasal infection, and so he's cultured it and will order the appropriate antibiotic on Monday. I can't believe how many times I've needed antibiotics this year (around 6 times, I think). That's just way too much. But when everything settles down, I KNOW my immune system will improve!

If all goes as planned, I'll be making the move to Astoria after Adam returns to the UK and I'll be settling in during the first part of December. The one possible alteration to the plan is whether or not the changes in my neck will ONLY be improved with surgery. I don't sense a surgery in my immediate future, and usually my "sense" about these things is pretty accurate and may even shape my own healing. I'm ready to get on with my life, and focus on self care for a bit.

Adam and I have talked at length about our future, and our plan is to take things slow, and allow our life together to develop naturally as time goes on. We are each at points where we feel like it'll be good to focus on ourselves, individually, while still maintaining the connection we've made while he's been here. I like that plan very much.

I feel so grateful to my friends and family, everyone who's prayed for me, and all the amazing support I've received.

I am currently: grateful
Listening to: my two favorite creatures snoring nearby. Heh.



Comments (2)

Mantra
10/26/2010 06:53 p.m.


I will be ok alone. I will be ok alone. I will be ok. I have my dog.

Adam returns to the UK on Nov. 27th. By then I will be all packed to move somewhere.....else.

Anyone need a roommate and her dog?

I am currently: blind
Listening to: someone else's clock



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The first of the many changes yet to come
10/08/2010 01:16 p.m.

A few weeks ago, I was diagnosed with several cervical spinal chord issues including arthritis, bone spurs, and narrowing of the spinal canal itself, which is impinging on my spinal chord in a way that affects the nerves that lead to my left shoulder, arm and fingers. I go to the neurologist in a few days to do a nerve conductivity test to see how extensive the nerve damage is, if it's temporary or permanent, and if the damage can be halted. In the meantime I've been advised not to lift anything over 20lbs, nor strain my neck in any way that might have several unpleasant outcomes, including blown discs or, worse, paralysis that could be temporary or permanent, depending on the injury and/or what's available to repair the injury.

This is, of course, affecting some major areas in my life.

Even before the recent diagnoses, I had come to realize, from the illnesses and injuries I've encountered during the last nine months or so, that my ability to care for Meme was probably not going to outlast the duration of her need for that care. It's been a slow and agonizing process for both of us.

Her feelings have ranged from regret at needing to be cared for, to wondering why a person "hangs on this long", to, understandably, anger that she may not be able to spend her last years at home.

My feelings have been spread over many facets of this part of my life - anger at my mother and her siblings for not providing more care for her, frustration at the declining economy and lack of funds to hire respite care for myself, guilt at having promised Meme that I would care for her until she no longer required it, and the profound sadness of having to let go of the many pieces that make up this part of my life.

Knowing that Meme's care needs to be transferred to the hands of a care facility now has, of course, triggered many other changes. For instance, once she goes into care, I will naturally have to resume financially supporting myself. Since she will be elsewhere, this house we've been living in will no longer be available, meaning that I, my son who has been living here, Adam (for the duration of his visit), and my pets need to find new homes.

All of the options for places that I can go until I can afford to support myself don't allow me to bring my pets. I understand this, but the process of finding homes for them has been overwhelming unsuccessful. Yesterday, Home at Last (a local no kill shelter) called to say they had openings for Nina and Keefer, my dogs, if I hadn't found homes yet. Since space there is usually at a premium, I made the heartwrenching choice to take them, in hopes they would be lovingly adopted.

I stopped the car just short of the shelter, crying and unable to drive the final distance. I cried and cried. I scoured my options again. I raged inside. I begged for one last idea to come....anything to keep them with me. And after a short silence, I turned the car back on and took them.

Yesterday was also my first day at a new job at the hospital, a Firewatch position that involves consecutive 15 minute walks throughout designated places at the hospital to check for fires. Constant walking. Yet, since it didn't involve lifting of any kind, I felt a small hope that I might be able to do it. And, given the poor job economy here, I was sooo grateful for the opportunity. But after my four hour shift, I hobbled/limped out to Adam and realized that because of the injuries to my left ankle and right knee (suffered earlier this year), I would not be able to continue that job. More failure, more defeat.

*sigh*

I know that the next few weeks are going to be tough, but I also know the Universe has a plan for all of us, and I know it's going to be okay eventually. Having Adam here has been a huge blessing to me. But all of us here surely would benefit from extra prayers, if anyone has any spares.


I am currently: awake and writing when I should be sleeping
Listening to: the emptiness where Nina and Keefer ought to be



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