Undisciplined 12/29/2009 04:33 a.m.
Self disclosure time. Ok. I guess I mean public disclosure.
I am the most undisciplined person I know right now. And someone said to me, in their quest to help me accept my being just a human and not beat myself up too badly, that it was typical to be that way until someone points the gun at us and THEN we finally move. The "gun" might be a heart attack, or a near death experience, or someone close to us passing away, or a disaster that could have been prevented if we'd only done "thus and so". Of course the person who said this to me was online, and so they couldn't see me when I shook my head. Cuz when the gun is pointed at me, I just shrug and say "Really? Geeeezles, just shoot me and get it over with already." THAT'S how passive I am when it comes to caring for myself. And, lazy.
Quazi suicidal, I know.
And another person pointed out that I'm not TOTALLY undisciplined. Grandma gets fed three times a day without fail, the dishes get done (barely), groceries get bought, laundry gets done, the bills get paid (though sometimes a bit late). True enough. Still, she depends on me, and to let her down would kill me in a different way. But letting myself down? Apparently that's preferable to actually taking some sort of action that might get me ahead in my quest to get shit done.
Well, the planets are all lined up for change, for actually manifesting destiny during this lunar phase. So, I'm taking baby steps to get on it.
*muttering under my breath* "frick'n honesty anyway.....pppppfffffftttttt."
I am currently: Quazi-motivated
Listening to: Escape Unplugged (Native American Style Flute Music)
http://escapistescapism.com/
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The problem with poetry... 12/27/2009 07:21 p.m.
Ok, here's the problem with writing poetry...at least for me.
Mostly I write because it helps me process what's happening at the moment. Sometimes I write to help me untangle a memory or troublesome event that happened in the past. Sometimes I write to "try on" a differen perspective just to see how it feels and if any of it is true. Sometimes I write fiction just because I can and because that's part of the creative process. Sometimes I write about my honest feelings. Sometimes I write from the perspective of my own voice, and sometimes I write from the other guys' perspective. Sometimes its social commentary. Sometimes it's just therapy.
Every once in a blue moon, I write something that seems as true when I read it four years later as it did the minute I wrote it. But that is rare.
But mostly, these are moments, and they always pass....always. Sure, there are recurring themes that pop up, but hopefully the overall trend is inward education.
It's not that I'm stuck. Really. I have to say that. My poetry ends up being microscopic at times, and I get that, and sometimes I hate that. But I promised myself when I started here six years ago that if I had anything of value to share, I had to be honest about where I'm at, and if, maybe, that honesty helped someone else know that they were not alone, that someone else in the world could feel this way and keep trekking and keep learning and keep loving, that there might be hope.
I try to share the bright along with the dark in my life, that's all. But mostly, it's always just moments, and moments pass. They always pass.
The problem with poetry is....the words lock the moment down on a slide for everyone to view now and later, turning that moment into a prisoner to the black and white of it. I've thought about this for awhile, and it's an unfortunate consequence of writing. Even if I delete it, once its said and read, it can't be unsaid or unread...the words have been sent out into the ethers and can never be reclaimed or erased.
In the meantime (oh no, not the "mean"time..hehe), relationships do happen while I learn to love me. I know it can be troublesome to witness, but it's just the way it is. I guess I could just stop writing about my process?..... No, that would never do.
So please, while you read my poetry, just keep in mind that each poem is generally just a tiny slice of a life that is full of other moments too...unfortunately the moments that beg a snapshot seem to cause the most concern *sigh*. Thanks for stopping by my library... but just so you know, I'll be alright.
I am currently: wondering if I should write anymore
Listening to: someone else struggle with my struggle
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Atreyu is here!!!! 11/27/2009 11:26 p.m.
I am a happy, happy Nanna-Banana. Atreyu is staying with me until Wednesday!!! YAY!!!!
So, I feel it coming, the shift of new experiences, new relationships, and changes. It's a good thing, even if the source of it is pretty surprising.
I feel a depth to this that I haven't experienced for awhile now. Things are being said, falling into place, and there is the sense that whatever is driving this is beyond me. I am aware that I could make it go slower, make it not go at all. But I want to explore it, I want to see where this takes me.
I do still feel a hint of hesitation because of convention, and the slight resistence of my newly mended and still somewhat cautious heart as it is coaxed foward. Not red flags, just a crystal-clear awareness. It's quite curious, that this awareness shares a space with a sense that all is as it should be, and that there is a genuine opportunity for a future together. He asked me a few weeks ago if I would just hold a place for the possibility, and I did and I am.
A month from now, I predict that life is going to be very different, one way or the other. I just....feel it in my bones.
I am currently: inquisitive
Listening to: next Friday
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You never know 10/05/2009 05:03 a.m.
Music has become my favorite bedfellow again. I'm listening to a lot of different stuff - lyrics below - I'm sure they'll make sense to what I've been saying in my journal lately.
Here are the lyrics -
I heard this old story before
If people keep appealing for the metaphors then
Don't leave much up to the imagination
So I wanna give this imagery back
No it just ain't so easy like that
So, I turn the page and read the story again
And again and again
It just seems the same, with a different name
We're breaking every building and we're growing
Always guessing never knowing
Shocking but we're nothing we're just moments
We're clever but we're clueless we're just human
Amusing but confusing were trying
But where is this all leading never know
It all happened so much faster than you could say disaster
Wanna take a time lapse and look at it backwards
From the last one and maybe that's just the answer
That we're after
But after all we're just a bubble in a boiling pot
Just one breath in a chain of thought
The moments just combusting
Feel certain but we'll never never know
Just seems the same, give it a different name
We're beggin' and we're needing and we're trying
And we're breathing never knowing
Shocking but we're nothing we're just moments
We're clever but we're clueless we're just human
Amusing but confusing helping
We're buildin' and we're growing never know
Never know, never know
Knock knock on the door to door
Tell that the metaphor is better than yours
And you can either sink or swim
Things are looking pretty grim
If you don't believe in what this one feeding
It's got no feeling so I read it again
And again and again just seems the same
Too many different names
Our hearts are strong our hands are weak
We'll always be competing never knowing
Never knowing
Shocking but we're nothing we're just moments
We're clever but we're clueless we're just human
Amusing but confusing but the truth is
All we got is questions we'll never know
Never know, never know
Comments (1)
The whole thing with him was distinctly different... 10/03/2009 05:06 a.m.
But what does that mean? In EVERY other major romantic relationship in my life, (which is a total of 4 besides him) I recruited those relationships - actively. The recruitment was two-fold. I think it starts out as an attempt to partake of my drug of choice - which is romantic relationships - to soothe or numb the pain of the lastest loss, the latest question/answer session of "am I wanted" ending with the inevitable answer (or evidence) that "no, of course I'm not wanted" (it's a given that this "truth" is illusion). So, the two-fold part of the recruitment meets the need of numbing old pain along with the question/answer piece of it, all happening subconsciously.
*taking a deep breath*
Somehow, the whole thing with him was different. I didn't recruit him. It was his idea to come up here, and I always felt like I was the one being pursued. I tried to take over the pursuit a couple of times, but he did things his way, in his timing. So, there is something relative about the fact that I didn't recruit him and the fact that the loss has been so intensely more difficult to get over. I'm still not entirely clear about the connection between not recruiting him and how difficult losing him is, I just sense there is one and it's significant, because I think it's allowed me to make a major shift.
When the possibility of a new relationship has presented itself over these recent past months, I am keenly aware of two very strong inclinations. The first is to dive into it head first, to allow myself to be lured by the promise of happy days and fresh beginnings. So far, though, these past months, I've only toyed with my inclination to entirely dive in and haven't actually pursued any relationship.
The second is to run away, just cut a potential relationship loose before it gets too far. In recent months this is most often what I ended up deciding to do, especially if the guy presses the issue at all. Some part of me reasons that if I end things now, I can avoid the entire potential of getting hurt or making a potentially unhealthy decision. It's actually surprised me that this inclination has ended up winning so often over the desire to dive in.
The emotions associated with both options are very intense and compelling, and in the past I think I've nearly always acted on one of them. But, in my recent quest to become an observer of rather than a reactor to my emotions, I've decided to just stand still and not make any major decisions either way about it, to just "be" in the moment, making note of these emotions and observing. In this process of standing still, I've realized that I'm not familiar with this territory at all, this place simply called "being" and it's not entirely comfortable to NOT take action of some kind, but it's SOOOO much more comfortable than rushing ahead one way or the other. And, the one thing I am ULTRA clear about is that if ANY action is to be taken, these days my only desire to take right action.
My suspicion is that neither of the original two options has ever been "right action", and, as I was actually writing that poem, it occured to me that perhaps a "middle" way might appear before me, but how I've just never stood still long enough for it to happen. Maybe the fact that I didn't recruit him, along with how much more difficult it's been to deal with losing that relationship and the future we had planned has made it possible to think just stand still now.
Oh, and I feel it's important to note...the "drug of choice" piece has, probably in the revelation of it, become less and less of an issue. I mean, I don't "crave" being in a relationship anymore, and I'm almost certain it has alot to do with the "work" I'm doing around that. Apparently breaking emotional addictions is a different process than breaking physical ones, even when they serve the same purpose.
The process of these truths unfolding is definitely something.
I am currently: untangling
Listening to: the Ching
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The # of my comments 10/01/2009 07:15 p.m.
The number of my comments on my poetry is now the same as the year I was born. Weird.
