You live, you learn
10/01/2009 04:02 a.m.


And so it goes. I was given a strange gift, a difficult (but therapuetic) pill to swallow, and I've attempted to write about it, explain it in here, several times, but the explanation doesn't come. Still, I wanted to speak of it, because it marks the turning of a corner for me, and it should be noted. For, as difficult as that information was to swallow, it is the most effective remedy I've encountered, and I'm actually grateful to have it rolling around inside me.

This is my core wound, the wound around which one ultimate question always forms: "Am I wanted?" I understand that I recruit most relationships to answer this critical question in story form, with the conclusion overwhelmingly saying to me (whether it's true or not), "You are unwanted. Just look around you, alone, in the garden where nothing grows - again." And, let me be clear, it is NOT the other person's fault...the misfiring of the information happens inside MY psyche.

There is the quiet disappointment in myself, that my intuition was screaming the truth at me all along, which was that I was about to, yet again, embark upon a journey that would end with the message "see? you are truly unwanted". Of course I didn't listen for I was too busy convincing myself that I had found the one place that I was finally wanted, which, as it turns out, is not this issue at all. And this all too often goes to my own detriment, to my own suffering.

Now comes the deafening resolution, and the solitude that follows...a season of transition.

At least I can finally get my bearings again after making that difficult detour through that tiny but treacherous little journey and begin again. If I could custom-fashion that future, it would be blissfully absent of the inclination to repeat the experience.

But how...?

I am currently: transitioning
Listening to: reason


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Owning my pain and beyond...
09/23/2009 02:58 a.m.


A few years ago, I was trying to untangle myself from some pain I was experiencing from some old childhood traumas. Initially, I approached one of the individuals I perceived as "the injurer", a person who'd caused a portion of the injuries, thinking that somehow, there might be healing available in that experience. But what I discovered afterward was that, infact, discussing my present suffering with the person who'd caused the injury wasn't helpful at all, and did not detract from any of the pain I was currently experiencing. This perplexed me greatly.

It was in that moment that I realized I owned my wounds, and, as the owner, the healing of the wound was ultimately & entirely my responsibility, as well as my honor. I also realized I could look for help, I didn't have to do it alone, but....I was the one who had to "do" something to accomplish the healing. No one could do that for me, including "the injurer".

The idea that I "own" my wounds is a concept that has helped me through lots of suffering. Once I own a wound, or, to think of it another way, take possession of it, it frees me to be "in charge" of how it gets worked out. There is no room for playing the victim in that scenario. And I find this to be true, that as soon as I've chosen to take possession of an insult or injury, and taken it personally, and interpreted the experience as "painful", it becomes my responsibility, my duty, and my blessing, to deal with the pain.

So, sure, to be able to take charge of my own healing is a great accomplishement and frees me in many ways. But, I guess I've been thinking, for awhile now, that I'll experience an even greater sense of accomplishment when an insult or or injury has been aimed at me personally, and it simply bounces away from me entirely. Then I will avoid the suffering and/or pain of that person's intention altogether, and THAT is the sense of detachment that I'm aiming for.

Hmmmmmm. Gems and crystals, precious bits of "ah-ha"s. This is the treasure that comes from being human.


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The Equinox, and school
09/21/2009 07:37 a.m.
Sunrise tomorrow morning, I'm going to the river to celebrate the fall equinox. I've been carrying a stone, and allowing my grief to pour out of me into it. In the morning, I'll cast it into the water, releasing the toxicity of the difficulties from the past two years and the sadness into the universe. What's supposed to come back is whatever it is the universe means for me to experience next. School is one thing; moving is another. I don't know if I'm ready, but ready or not, it's no big deal. If I'm not, I'll just work through it again, release it at the next equinox and go on from there.

I'm not numbing my way through this by seeking the glow of infatuation or new romance. I'm simply allowing myself to be, allowing the tears to come whenever they will, and pouring myself into the stone.

School starts tomorrow, too, and I find it auspicious that the first day of school is also the first day of autumn. I'll be going four days a week this term, Mon and Wed are one class and on Tues and Thurs, 2 classes. It's going to be busy, but I like my classes - Intro to Psychology, Philosophical Problems, and math.

This Friday, I turn 47. I'm just not saying it outloud. Maybe if I tiptoe quietly enough, I won't have to mark the passing of another year with no real goal in sight.

I've been sad, but I don't think I've been depressed exactly. This loss has really taken the wind from me, that's for sure. The ebb and flow of it...yikes.

Just going to take it one day at a time (as if there was really any other way to do it...heh) and when Joy steps in for a visit, my greeting will be with grateful, open arms.

I'm kind of back, but I'm still not feeling very sociable. Please forgive any comments I may have missed or poems I didn't read. I'll catch up at some point, I will.

I am currently: loopy from prometrium
Listening to: my dogs sigh in their dreams




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Need to take a break for awhile
09/12/2009 07:32 p.m.

Having a bit of a personal meltdown here, so I'm gonna take a break for while from the internet and focus on my family here at home. Not sure when I'll be back, only that I will at some point.


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Summer 2009
09/08/2009 01:06 a.m.

Well, I ended the summer with a trip to Astoria to visit my son, Joe and his wife Tamara and my grandson, Atreyu! It was a wondeful week, and it was GREAT to be with them. My daughter in law is a really good cook, and I really appreciated how she made vegetarian meals for me!!

Atreyu is getting so big! He's very tall and lean, and took ONE step on his own while I was there. He's ALMOST talking, with real phrases peeking through the baby babble every now and again. I can't believe he'll be a year old next month!

When I got in the car to leave this morning, I turned the key only to hear the sickening "click, click, click" of a battery with no juice! And my son was supposed to be on his way to work, but he rescued me instead by going to the store and getting some jumper cables. I am so grateful that he loves me so much!!!

It was nice to get home. Everyone missed me, and that's always a good feeling to come home to!

In other news, I had a really unpleasant experience with a guy who'd emailed me a couple of months ago. Apparently he'd forgotten that he didn't like me. When he remembered that I was too heavy for his taste and that I had other issues, he was pretty hurtful and shallow and rude. Jerk. It made me remember part of why I'm not interested in dating.

Speaking of not being interested in dating, I still love him. I still cry when I miss him. I still dream about him; he's still the first thing I think of in the morning and often the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep, and I don't do it on purpose! But I do still wish things could have worked out. God help me.

In even OTHER news, I got some lab test results back today, and my A1c (a test that measures what a person's blood sugar has been over the last few months) is NORMAL!!! YAY!!! So, the diet changes and exercising and supplements I've been taking are paying off!!! I know I feel a whole lot better now physically than I have in a long time. Now, for my next act, I'd like to show my bicycling skills!!!

Tomorrow I'll take the bicycle to the bike shop to have it tuned up and new innertubes put in, and I'll start looking for decent bike riding attire for chubby girls...lol. We don't want any undue skin irritation keeping me from my goals!! I have a friend, Greig, who has been nice enough to offer to bike with me now and again, and to sort of be my moral support if I'll be his. Apparently he's lost quite a bit of weight over the last couple of years, AND is diabetic too, so being supportive to one another should definitely help!

In the meantime (oh no, not the meantime ... lol) I'm not sure if I should take classes this term. Meme and I still need to move, and I'm not sure I can juggle caring for her, moving AND school. Ack. Decisions...

I wish I could say that I'd manifested the $.5 million I was imagining would set Meme and I nicely up, but since it hasn't happened yet, I know there is a good reason and I know that whatever comes will be just fine. After being in Astoria all week, I sort of wish we could have made that happen on some levels, too. It was SO nice to be with Joe and Tamara and Atreyu! And he's growing up so fast, I don't want to miss any of it!!! And I could be such a help there, too. Again, I know there must be a reason. I am relieved in some ways that we're not moving away from what's familiar to me.

Well, it seems the only thing to do is just keep going forward with what's in front of me, and that's plenty to keep me busy for the moment! The only thing I'm not really doing that I'd like to do more is get to the temple! I'll be working on that...

I am currently: mostly glad to be home
Listening to: the happy sound of my grandmother's TV blaring...lol!


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I know it's weak
09/03/2009 10:28 a.m.

But, tonight, or early this morning, I should say - nine months after the relationship officially ended, I miss him so much. And I don't want to be alone. Sometimes it still feels like I'm living in a really poorly written episode of The Twighlight Zone. *sigh*

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Sharing...
08/07/2009 05:58 p.m.

I want to share what's happening in our lives now, and the reason I want to do that is so that I can report the progress of the situation, to give others hope when they find themselves in similarly discouraging circumstances.

Meme and I have been unable to continue to afford to make the house payment in the house we currently live in. We were very generously invited to live in Astoria with my son and his wife and my grandson, but the renovations necessary to allow that to happen are prohibitively expensive at this point, and Meme felt it wasn't the most ideal move to make at this time. So, we are not considering Astoria as an option, though we are both so grateful to my son and daughter-in-law for offering it.

Plan A is to salvage our situation here at this house, see if the loan can be restructured so that we can afford it. We're still waiting to see if this is a viable option, and it includes the possibility of having roommates. Though we both feel this is not entirely ideal, either.

Plan B was Astoria.

Plan C was to move to a manufactured home that one of my aunts owns here in town. But at this point, my oldest son Steven is living there with a roommate, and they are very comfortable and can afford it (which is a challenge for most young people these days) so I hesitate to disturb their joy at this point. It's an option, but not an ideal one. I didn't think that allowing Steven to live there temporarily would creat this conflict inside me, as he went into it with the realization that it might very well be temporary. But now that they're settled in and happy, I find it difficult to ask them to have to relocate.

Plan D is...taking shape. It is to manifest an even more ideal solution to Meme's and my needs. A house big enough to accomodate our needs, and to allow for plenty of visitors as they come to see Meme in her final years, and to accomodate boomerang children...LOL. Plan D involves attracting abundance; creating a reality that includes a bounty the likes of which I would be sooooo blessed to live with! And this is why I'm writing about it, so that as it unfolds, I can continue to share it to inspire others that there is ALWAYS a perfect solution, always!!!!

So this is part of the experiment at this point. If there are millions of alternate universes, surely in one of them Meme and I are richly blessed with more than enough, and are sharing our bounty with those in need as well. This is my dream. To have so much (the cup overflowing) that we can spill it into the lives of others. And as I picture it this way, that there is a reality where the EXACT answer to our prayers exists, I so easily envision simply sliding foward into THAT reality rather than the one that contains the limits of my mind and the past. I wonder, marvel that it might just be that simple, imagining a tomorrow where what unfolds is limitless in abundance. I'm excited to see this moment and the next!!!

Oh, and as a side note, there are other little tidbits of manifesting as well that I can't wait to report on!!!

More to come...

I am currently: confident
Listening to: A joyous alpha-theta wave


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Marveling
07/30/2009 07:21 p.m.


So I’ve been marveling at the universe, how things are revealed in time, how things unfold beyond my grasp of whatever it was I imagined life would be like now.

Truth be told, I never really could wrap my mind around what I’d be doing after I was done being a full time Mom (cuz, you never stop being a mom). And I say that as if I was totally dedicated to that task. Another truth…but it won’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows me at all…I never knew what I was doing in that role. I only knew I had kids, and being Mom was what that part of my life had to be about as much as I could focus that way. And I didn’t focus that way nearly as much as they needed me to. A woman with a stronger yin side might have been able to embrace it more than I did. Then again, having a strong yang disposition was probably needed in my situation. There were too many things that might have done me in emotionally had I not embraced my warrior(ess) side.

Of course, I’ve had my little visions of the future. The future with Miah was especially vivid, and I loved to imagine what we’d do after my responsibilities as a caretaker were through. Alas, that future was apparently not to be…

Well, at any rate, that part of my life is over. I mean, I’m a grandma now, and as my yin side peeks out more and more (the softer, gentler side of being me), I suppose that will help me embrace the different nurturing that will be called into reality.

But this entry isn’t really about that. It’s more about healing. And writing.

Years ago, (I think it was about 18 years ago) I had a dream. It disturbed me and intrigued me all at once. I told it to my grandfather. He was a minister and had a penchant for interpretations. In the dream, I’d been comforting this couple who’d just lost their baby to SIDS. I related because of losing P.J. the same way. In the dream, their baby’s body was sitting in an infant seat near them. In a gesture of sympathy, I touched the baby’s foot. As I touched, and wherever I touched, life began to return to the tissue. Soon, I was massaging the baby, the touch bringing him back to life, and as I got to his face, the touching brought color back to his little face, and soon, he was cooing and smiling, kicking his little legs and working his arms in the cutest fashion. The parents, of course, were thrilled. And so was I!!! How amazing that I could spare them the grief of losing their child, of having to live without the shine of that beautiful little soul. We were all crying and laughing and full of joy. There was another part of the dream that involved my own baby who’d died of SIDS, but I don’t really think it’s relevant to what I want to write about now.

After I’d told him the dream, Grandpa took my hands in his and looked deeply into my eyes. He was not often known for such intimacies, so it stands out to this day as a rare moment with him. He said, “Ali, I’m going to tell you something, Sweetheart, that the Lord has just told me to relay to you. You have been given healing in these hands. And someday, maybe not soon, but someday, you are going to be asked to use these hands to heal. He’s given you a gift, and whenever such a gift is given, so, also, is great responsibility. Remember that I’m telling you this. Remember that dream, and what it means, and when the time comes, remember the call that’s been placed on your life.”

A few years later, when I had a very special native american woman in my life, the first time she took my hands, she said, “oooooh, these hands – these hands.” Her eventual sentiments were the same as my grandpa’s.

I wondered about it off and on through the years, but it was always on a backburner. Until recently. A few months ago, situations began popping up where I’d be asked to “help out” with energy work, sending good energy, etc. And so many times that I’ve lost count now, I’ve been asked if I might use my hands to help with an ache or pain, or nerve damage, or bone situations. I don’t know how it works, or why. I only know that as I focus, things will pop into my head to visualize, colors I’m asked to “send” into the tissue, and my hands vibrate, and sometimes there is heat, and sometimes not. I know the person doesn’t have to be in my presence for help to come. I just know it isn’t “me”, that I’m just the vessel being used to transmit this energy, and that the energy seems to help. I haven’t had any training, and I don’t feel particularly led to seek any at this point. I’m just glad to help.

And yet, I don’t understand. I mean, my life isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. I still have my flaws and my dysfunctions. I would have thought that a person in that condition couldn’t help, wouldn’t be asked to help. I would have thought a person asked to help would need to have a life that was a better example to others. But if I’m asked to help, and what happens brings relief to the person receiving it, I’m glad to do it anyway.

And then the writing. I was just recently asked to join a small staff of writers on a website that discusses unexplainable phenomenon. I didn’t go looking for it. I simply found a few grammatical errors/typos on a sister site, offered to point them out, was asked to do a thorough sweep of the site, and after I’d turned in what I’d found, I was offered the job to write between 20-30 articles a month. I’m still deciding if I want to take on that responsibility or not. I feel the importance of maintaining my integrity and the integrity of whatever I’d write about, and, honestly, I don’t know if I’m up to it. But the fact that it was presented to me seems amazing to me, the Universe (or Divinity, or God, or whatever you’d like to call it) at work in my life still.

I feel blessed. I feel progress happening. I feel things slipping into place, and I don’t feel the need to “worry” about that anymore. And I just wanted to write it all down.

I am currently: Marvelous
Listening to: Shine by Tina Malia & Shimshai

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Working on $$$
07/23/2009 06:26 p.m.


Well, it's getting slim, the $$$ now. Meme and I can't pay the full mortgage anymore. So, we're working with the loan service people to see what can be done - maybe they can lower the payment to something we can afford, but it's going to have to be half of the payment in order for us to make it. I'm prepared, though, with a couple of back up plans if that can't happen.

The first back up plan is to go live in a house my aunt from Arizona has here, a mfr. home about 10 miles away. Money would still be tight, but if we sucked in really hard, we could just about make it on Meme's fixed income.

The second back up plan is that my oldest son, who just bought a huge house in Astoria, has very generously invited us to come and live there. Meme's contribution would be more than doable there. It would require using the last chunk of Meme's nest egg for a mechanical lift to get up and down the stairs to his place, but it's an idea anyway.

Meme's preference is to stay here if we can, and then she surprised me with her second preference. She'd rather live in Astoria than move to the mfr. home. I would do that if that's where she'd like to live her remaining days, even though it probably means missing school fall term so we can move and get settled.

For the moment, we're still in The Dalles and remaining here is the plan.


I am currently: maintaining the calm
Listening to: an uncertain future

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Endorphine Release
07/23/2009 08:16 a.m.

Doin the solo hike. Life is good.

It's not that I don't still miss Miah, because a good portion of the time I do. I wondered at first if it was actually him, or just the idea of being with someone. It was him. Our brand of laughing. Our planning. Hanging out with him. But today I let it pass through me, observing it, not judging, not using any other people, places or things to numb any of these feelings. I know I'm growing because of it. I don't linger in it, but I don't brush it aside either.

I have no desire to be in any other relationship right now. This is a new thing for me. I have my friends, my family, and my future to tend to. I like my future. I can see myself in a few different scenarios, and all of them are easy to imagine solo.

I like exploring this way. I like living this way. I am worry-free. I have everything I need to walk this journey. And I feel love, even as I lay in my big comfy bed singing acapella. It's different than the harmony or dissonance of two, but it has a beauty all its own.

I still cry about Miah. In fact, the tears are almost always right here, just below the surface of functioning, waiting to spill at the slightest emotion about him. It doesn't make any practical sense, I know. I can hear some of my friends saying, "Don't cry. You'll make your nose red." but it's a suffering I can't seem to shake right now. Again, I'm just letting the feelings pass through, releasing them to go and serve others who might need to experience them.

:D

I am currently: a tootsie-roll tootsie pop - sweet and crunchy on the outside and you have to BITE me to get to the chewy goodness inside.

Listening to: binaural beats "Endorphine Release"







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