I feel raw,
Like if I stepped outside
My blood would blow away
In the summer scorch
Of this empty niche
Of a town.
I feel broken,
Like a victim
Of a bad fall
From a long way up,
Unconscious all the way to impact.
I feel scattered,
Like a disassembled puzzle
That someone grew tired
Of piecing together,
Forgotten on some cheap card table.
I feel old
Like all the years piled together
Ride on my back
Press me into the ground
Make me want to escape this illusion.
I feel disgusted
All at once loathing
What I’ve discovered
In this paradigm -
The place where I feel anything at all.
author's note: I don't entirely feel this way, I just felt the first line, and then the rest came pouring out but isn't necessarily an accurate representation of how I'm feeling entirely...I just sort of ran with it.
Comments (1)
Just for today 06/26/2009 06:20 p.m.
Pain, shame, fear and anger.
When I feel any one of these emotions, I know that I’m at my limit, and it’s time to set a boundary for myself.
I will not pluck my petals for anyone. They can go “pluck themselves”. Heheh.
I use relationships like most people use drugs. The discovery part of the relationship is one way I “numb out” to avoid feeling pain, shame, fear or anger.
What would it look like if I simply allowed those feelings to pass through me? Could I just acknowledge them and allow myself to be with that emotion, experience it?
Today, I choose not to use another relationship to numb out.
Just for today, I choose to remain single.
Just for today, I choose to acknowledge my feelings of loss and pain rather than avoid them. I choose to allow the part of myself that misses him to feel that loss and pain.
I am currently: in the moment
Listening to: wisdom
Comments (2)
Poetry workshop, Portland, The Proposal.... 06/21/2009 03:23 a.m.
What an exciting day! I had the poetry workshop this morning, very, very informative. And then I went into Portland to the New Renaissance bookstore to hear the crystal bowls singing, and bought some new CD's. The drive to Portland was just amazing, all rain and blue skies.
Next, it's on to the new movie The Proposal with Sandra Bullock.
I love it when the moments are full of wonder.
I am currently: happy to have new friends
Listening to: The train whistle
Comments (1)
Headed into Ptown today 06/17/2009 07:28 p.m.
Coffee with a friend, appt with the counselor, dinner with my madre, and then drumming circle.
This moment ROCKS!
I am currently: in the moment
Listening to: my heart tick the tock
Comments (1)
Pity Party for One 06/14/2009 03:34 a.m.
What does it mean to reach 46,
Look around,
To realize no one’s home
But you and the dogs
And grandma.
What does it mean
When the phone doesn’t ring,
Hour after hour,
And no one is hankering
To catch one more whiff of your hair?
What does it mean
To feel ridiculous
About the tears that rush into
Eyes found precious by no one at all?
When so much of one life is spent
Caring for the needs of others
That when you finally find yourself alone,
That you don’t know how to care
For yourself?
The funny parts of the movie
Aren’t the same when they’re not shared
By a like-minded silly.
If you’re having a pity party for one,
And no one hears you toot that horn,
Did it ever even make a sound?
----------------------------------------------
I'm so embarrassed, but boy, my life has suddenly boiled down to nuthin. And I'd buy a bottle of rum to toast my new "freedom", but the liquor store moved and I can't figure out where to.
Ridiculous. Just ridiculous.
Comments (2)
So far, all A's....but that writing class!! 06/12/2009 11:08 p.m.
Three of the grades of my four classes have come in...still have a 4.0 but we'll see after my writing grade comes it. That class, for some reason, was like pulling teeth.
I'm going to my daughter's graduation tonight, and then on to Portland to see my brother's band playing. I'm stoked!!!
I didn't grow up with my brother, and it's been several years since we've even seen each other...actually, since our dad's funeral. He's pretty talented. He's got a couple of youtubes out there...there should be some more after the show tonight too. They supposedly have 11 original songs to play in the set tonight, probably mostly written by Michael since he's the composer/lyricist in the group.
Well, I'll be back LATE. Here's to staying awake on the road. YES! LOL!
I am currently: getting ready to get ready
Listening to: Amazing by Jayadev
Comments (0)
This term is nearly DONE!!! 06/08/2009 07:11 a.m.
YAY!!! Only one more week of this term!!!
I finally got my research paper done, and BOY am I glad!!! I REALLY disliked this term's online writing class. I think I definitely DON'T like online classes.
I am currently: preparing myself for the move
Listening to: just my grandma and the dogs snoring
